Withdrawing from codependency
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
o_O Cath you are learning everything in a few days, its wonderful you have contacts there in Alanon--I hope I can make some-- alone this disease is mortal but in group sometimes its even laughable!!
And yes when I wake up I also wonder how were we even together? Same planets.... different worlds.
So far it seems alcoholics are the most predictable people on Earth and I am grateful i was able to realize this modus operandi... hurts a lot to see reality for what it is and take them off from the pedestal...but since I expect exbf to be a mean jerk, shallow and careless...yup... that is exactly what I get...
Staying away is essential for us!!!!!!
And yes when I wake up I also wonder how were we even together? Same planets.... different worlds.
So far it seems alcoholics are the most predictable people on Earth and I am grateful i was able to realize this modus operandi... hurts a lot to see reality for what it is and take them off from the pedestal...but since I expect exbf to be a mean jerk, shallow and careless...yup... that is exactly what I get...
Staying away is essential for us!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Isn't it amazing what the results are when we truly surrender our will to God?
Now you have a new sponsor, and resources for rides!
The 3rd step prayer is one of my very favorite prayers.
I'm continuing to keep you in my prayers, gal! :ghug2
Now you have a new sponsor, and resources for rides!
The 3rd step prayer is one of my very favorite prayers.
I'm continuing to keep you in my prayers, gal! :ghug2
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Thanks Freedom. You know, I remember at one point being so sick and deluded and empty and posting here, and you wrote and said you feared for my children. I remember being so upset by that and felt like you were turning your back on me and calling me a horrible person. Now I know that you were there all along and caring for me and my family and wanting me to make the changes I needed to make.
For 3 years, people have been frustrated with me because the answer seemed to simple to them, but the message fell on deaf ears and nothing got through. I truly was empty inside and felt there was no existence for me outside of AH. I had no idea who I was apart from him, and time only existed when I was with him. The rest of it was waiting to be with him. And drinking, of course.
I'm so friggin' grateful right now. Grateful for SR, grateful for HP, grateful for all of the positive things coming into my life now that I am letting them. I spent a lot of time wishing that I was anyone but me, but now I'm actually excited to see what the world has in store. I'm sure every day won't be sunshine and roses, but I'm finding my center and am going to hold on to it for dear life.
So thanks to Freedom and all those who loved me when I was incapable of loving myself. Still not all the way there yet, but maybe there actually is something to love.
For 3 years, people have been frustrated with me because the answer seemed to simple to them, but the message fell on deaf ears and nothing got through. I truly was empty inside and felt there was no existence for me outside of AH. I had no idea who I was apart from him, and time only existed when I was with him. The rest of it was waiting to be with him. And drinking, of course.
I'm so friggin' grateful right now.
Grateful for SR, grateful for HP, grateful for all of the positive things coming into my life now that I am letting them. I spent a lot of time wishing that I was anyone but me, but now I'm actually excited to see what the world has in store. I'm sure every day won't be sunshine and roses, but I'm finding my center and am going to hold on to it for dear life.So thanks to Freedom and all those who loved me when I was incapable of loving myself. Still not all the way there yet, but maybe there actually is something to love.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Cath1029 
I truly was empty inside and felt there was no existence for me outside of AH. I had no idea who I was apart from him, and time only existed when I was with him. The rest of it was waiting to be with him.
I love the strength, hope and wisdom that is shared here. You have described my addiction to my AH perfectly!
When I was finally ready to let go and stop being dragged, I felt this emptiness inside of me. Hollow, through and through. Someone here shared with me a beautiful analogy of what the emptiness was. It was the blank canvas my HP had given me and I was going to create my beautiful true self on that space.
You are creating your true beauty each and every day. Congratulations!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Cath, I went back and read through the thread.
I just wanted to see your progression again and get a feel for the change.
You've gone through such withdrawal from him in the last week, a true detox.
The ordeal continues but that agony you had over the weekend has subsided a bit and you have a focus that is forward and ahead of you and not behind you and unhealthy.
They say the view back is worth it when you get to the summit, but if you keep looking back along the journey, you're just going to stumble. Keep your eyes to the horizon and keep this positivity and love when it comes to yourself. You'll hit a lull again or struggle off and on and that's okay because that's what this is all about - living life on life's terms and in your way and time.
When you felt that disconnect when listening to his emails and you heard the self involved addiction seeping through the phone - that is what recovery does for you. It takes that pain away that addiction causes. It lets you see things for what they really are. It's a revelation! You are starting to believe it can happen for you and it's wonderful!!
I'm just so very proud of you!!!
Have a blessed day and enjoy it for it is yours to be free in.
Alice
I just wanted to see your progression again and get a feel for the change.
You've gone through such withdrawal from him in the last week, a true detox.
The ordeal continues but that agony you had over the weekend has subsided a bit and you have a focus that is forward and ahead of you and not behind you and unhealthy.
They say the view back is worth it when you get to the summit, but if you keep looking back along the journey, you're just going to stumble. Keep your eyes to the horizon and keep this positivity and love when it comes to yourself. You'll hit a lull again or struggle off and on and that's okay because that's what this is all about - living life on life's terms and in your way and time.
When you felt that disconnect when listening to his emails and you heard the self involved addiction seeping through the phone - that is what recovery does for you. It takes that pain away that addiction causes. It lets you see things for what they really are. It's a revelation! You are starting to believe it can happen for you and it's wonderful!!
I'm just so very proud of you!!!
Have a blessed day and enjoy it for it is yours to be free in.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Cath1029
For 3 years, people have been frustrated with me because the answer seemed to simple to them, but the message fell on deaf ears and nothing got through. I truly was empty inside and felt there was no existence for me outside of AH. I had no idea who I was apart from him, and time only existed when I was with him. The rest of it was waiting to be with him. And drinking, of course.
I came out of the hospital to leave for lunch today, and it had just finished raining, and the clouds had parted to blue skies. I just stood there for a moment, smelling the rain-fresh air, looking at the blue of the sky, and the texture of the clouds.
I never ever remember seeing anything in color all those horrible years before I got into recovery. It was ugly shades of grey and black. It was like I had blinders on, and saw absolutely no beauty in this world.
I have discovered I am an individual who needs no one else to define me. I have value in this world, and so do you! Clutch your recovery in your hand like the precious seed that it is, and don't give it to anyone else. It's yours, and yours alone.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Checking in again with myself (lol).
Last night's meeting was great. It was a step meeting where everyone read, but only those people having completed the steps were encouraged to share. It was called a "solution-based meeting" rather than problem based, and it was really inspirational. My sponsor was there, and she got choked up speaking about the Twelfth Step and helping others, very touching to see and reminding me how blessed I am to have her.
Before the meeting, I was talking with one of the women that I have gotten to know in the last few weeks, a very sweet young lady who I have stayed in close contact with. We were talking, and all of a sudden she said, "Wow, you look so beautiful! You are glowing and your eyes are so bright." I was kind of embarrassed, but she was so sincere and seemed so amazed. She saw me the night I got my white chip, when I had walked in there like a zombie and looked half dead. It was really nice that she said that, like my sobriety and baby steps of healing were apparent on my face.
I had thought after breaking things off with AH that I would die of loneliness. I live way out in the country and am sort of isolated. I miss my daughter terribly and the cottage is too quiet. But in another sense my world has opened up and all these wonderful and positive people are coming into it. I have never made so many friends in such a short period of time before, both at meetings and at the church, and my phone list is growing greater of people I can touch base with who are happy to hear from me. I am getting invited to do things and go places.
I am really grateful that HP is looking out for me in that way, as in the past I have had a tendency to be a loner and not reach out to others. Not to mention that AH has always told me that nobody likes me but him (and not even him). I also got to spend some time with my boys this weekend, which I hadn't done for a while as things were so difficult. We pretty much just hung out here and watched a movie and had dinner, but I couldn't have asked for a better night. They are such wonderful loving boys and fill my heart with happiness. I really am fortunate.
Last night's meeting was great. It was a step meeting where everyone read, but only those people having completed the steps were encouraged to share. It was called a "solution-based meeting" rather than problem based, and it was really inspirational. My sponsor was there, and she got choked up speaking about the Twelfth Step and helping others, very touching to see and reminding me how blessed I am to have her.
Before the meeting, I was talking with one of the women that I have gotten to know in the last few weeks, a very sweet young lady who I have stayed in close contact with. We were talking, and all of a sudden she said, "Wow, you look so beautiful! You are glowing and your eyes are so bright." I was kind of embarrassed, but she was so sincere and seemed so amazed. She saw me the night I got my white chip, when I had walked in there like a zombie and looked half dead. It was really nice that she said that, like my sobriety and baby steps of healing were apparent on my face.
I had thought after breaking things off with AH that I would die of loneliness. I live way out in the country and am sort of isolated. I miss my daughter terribly and the cottage is too quiet. But in another sense my world has opened up and all these wonderful and positive people are coming into it. I have never made so many friends in such a short period of time before, both at meetings and at the church, and my phone list is growing greater of people I can touch base with who are happy to hear from me. I am getting invited to do things and go places.
I am really grateful that HP is looking out for me in that way, as in the past I have had a tendency to be a loner and not reach out to others. Not to mention that AH has always told me that nobody likes me but him (and not even him). I also got to spend some time with my boys this weekend, which I hadn't done for a while as things were so difficult. We pretty much just hung out here and watched a movie and had dinner, but I couldn't have asked for a better night. They are such wonderful loving boys and fill my heart with happiness. I really am fortunate.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hi Cath, what a huge turn around in you and your life, and how wonderful it is to see it.
Now you have a pile of people who like and care about you, new friends to be with.
I guess now you know what a miserable, controlling liar AH has been to you as these people have proved that you are more than ok to them.
Maybe it is AH who has and always was the problem, not you.
My congrats on doing so well, so fast.
God bless
Now you have a pile of people who like and care about you, new friends to be with.
I guess now you know what a miserable, controlling liar AH has been to you as these people have proved that you are more than ok to them.
Maybe it is AH who has and always was the problem, not you.
My congrats on doing so well, so fast.
God bless
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Thanks, Jad. Trying to remember to take those baby steps. I don't want to run so fast down the recovery path that I miss everything along the way
Another cool thing happened yesterday when I was working at the church as the greeter. A lady I had met earlier in the week came in with her mother, saw me and said to her mother, "Oh, this is HER!" She explained that she and her mother had been praying for me during the week after she had met me. I just thought that was the nicest thing I'd ever heard.
Another cool thing happened yesterday when I was working at the church as the greeter. A lady I had met earlier in the week came in with her mother, saw me and said to her mother, "Oh, this is HER!" She explained that she and her mother had been praying for me during the week after she had met me. I just thought that was the nicest thing I'd ever heard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm so glad you got to spend some time with your boys!
I can't believe what a wonderful network of friends is materializing in your life! We become so isolated and out of touch with life when in an abusive relationship that we have no idea what is out there.
My heart is happy for you, dear.
I can't believe what a wonderful network of friends is materializing in your life! We become so isolated and out of touch with life when in an abusive relationship that we have no idea what is out there.
My heart is happy for you, dear.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Back here in my little thread this afternoon
Feeling anxious today, worrying about money and such. My phone is going to be turned off in 2 days, and I'm concerned about that because it will leave me isolated, unable to call my sponsor or others from meetings, which I have done every day, and I won't be able to check on my daughter daily like I have been doing. I just don't have the 60 bucks to spare right now, having just got caught up on rent (yay).
Work has been steady, but kinda slow. I actually looked online for a second job, although working at the church and my regular job does not leave me a lot of extra time. In fact, with church in the mornings, work during the afternoon and meetings at night, I find myself legitimately tired at the end of the day, which is a good feeling rather than being all wound up.
AH is still AH, and I guess always will be. I actually prayed for him that he would find his way to the help he needs. We certainly are not meant to be together by any means, but right now he's a lost soul who is very physically and mentally sick.
Still...a lot to appreciate and look forward to...shouldn't really complain
Feeling anxious today, worrying about money and such. My phone is going to be turned off in 2 days, and I'm concerned about that because it will leave me isolated, unable to call my sponsor or others from meetings, which I have done every day, and I won't be able to check on my daughter daily like I have been doing. I just don't have the 60 bucks to spare right now, having just got caught up on rent (yay).
Work has been steady, but kinda slow. I actually looked online for a second job, although working at the church and my regular job does not leave me a lot of extra time. In fact, with church in the mornings, work during the afternoon and meetings at night, I find myself legitimately tired at the end of the day, which is a good feeling rather than being all wound up.
AH is still AH, and I guess always will be. I actually prayed for him that he would find his way to the help he needs. We certainly are not meant to be together by any means, but right now he's a lost soul who is very physically and mentally sick.
Still...a lot to appreciate and look forward to...shouldn't really complain
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Eventhough your phone will be off you can always post here, or use the chat room above right Yesterday I went to a doc and told her I have been stressed all this year and she said "why is EVERYONE feeling like that???" well I guess it is not any consolation but things are overall getting tougher and that is why we need to have a close relation with nature/God/HP or whatever your source of strength is... you are doing very well, keep moving forward!! I like your optimism and enthusiasm... !!
Yesterday I went to a doc and told her I have been stressed all this year and she said "why is EVERYONE feeling like that???" well I guess it is not any consolation but things are overall getting tougher and that is why we need to have a close relation with nature/God/HP or whatever your source of strength is... you are doing very well, keep moving forward!! I like your optimism and enthusiasm... !!
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
OMG...I am so so so so so so so so p**sed!!!!!!!
AH has taken to gossiping and trashing me to all of his (our) friends and relatives. Some of it is lies, some is personal stuff that I have told him, and some of it is his own opinion. He is badmouthing me to his sister, who has my daughter, and now his sister feels nervous about whenever my daughter comes back to me.
I actually had to find out about this from his ex-wife, who I am friendly with, but still didn't want her in on all the drama either.
Yes, I'm trying not to let it bother me, but the worst part is how disloyal he is, betraying every confidence I ever told him and trying to ruin my reputation.
I'm probably the most mad at myself right now. I knew I couldn't trust him, that he would never stand up for me or protect me, and yet I gave him my trust so many times. I am humiliated and feel like an idiot. I was actually feeling sorry for him earlier today, now I'm just really mad.
AH has taken to gossiping and trashing me to all of his (our) friends and relatives. Some of it is lies, some is personal stuff that I have told him, and some of it is his own opinion. He is badmouthing me to his sister, who has my daughter, and now his sister feels nervous about whenever my daughter comes back to me.
I actually had to find out about this from his ex-wife, who I am friendly with, but still didn't want her in on all the drama either.
Yes, I'm trying not to let it bother me, but the worst part is how disloyal he is, betraying every confidence I ever told him and trying to ruin my reputation.
I'm probably the most mad at myself right now. I knew I couldn't trust him, that he would never stand up for me or protect me, and yet I gave him my trust so many times. I am humiliated and feel like an idiot. I was actually feeling sorry for him earlier today, now I'm just really mad.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hey Cath,
Isn't it funny, you pray for someone and within 24 hours you want to personally kill them?!
He is just trying to manipulate you still. He is also desperately trying to look better than you by belittleling (sp?) you. He resents your getting better.
You SIL will see your ACTIONS as the truth, not his words.
Keep on keeping on!
Isn't it funny, you pray for someone and within 24 hours you want to personally kill them?!
He is just trying to manipulate you still. He is also desperately trying to look better than you by belittleling (sp?) you. He resents your getting better.
You SIL will see your ACTIONS as the truth, not his words.
Keep on keeping on!
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Okay, I've calmed down somewhat (lol).
AH has shown me time and again what he is all about. I just didn't want to believe it. He has also shown me what he truly thinks of me, which I also didn't want to believe. Whether he is drunk or mad or whatever, he is responsible for the things he says and does. I'm not really mad anymore, but lesson learned.
AH has shown me time and again what he is all about. I just didn't want to believe it. He has also shown me what he truly thinks of me, which I also didn't want to believe. Whether he is drunk or mad or whatever, he is responsible for the things he says and does. I'm not really mad anymore, but lesson learned.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Okay, it's just getting funny now...
Received this little gem today via my phone...
"You have to learn to stop blaming me for everything, I dont deserve it and don't want it. None of your problems have been as a result of me doing something to you so please take responsibilty for you own actions and please stop trying to pin something onto me when I have done nothing."
I know I'm not supposed to respond to this stuff, but man I just couldn't help it this time. I texted back "LOL."
Received this little gem today via my phone...
"You have to learn to stop blaming me for everything, I dont deserve it and don't want it. None of your problems have been as a result of me doing something to you so please take responsibilty for you own actions and please stop trying to pin something onto me when I have done nothing."
I know I'm not supposed to respond to this stuff, but man I just couldn't help it this time. I texted back "LOL."
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Kind of down and feeling sorry for myself tonight. I have been working on getting my financial situation straightened out, but it sucks being so poor. Can't talk to anyone either and feeling isolated. At least I can come here though, which I'm grateful for. Meetings during the weekend for an hour a day, but by myself the rest of the time. I've never been good at being alone. I guess, as they say, "this too shall pass." Trying to remember that.
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