Withdrawing from codependency
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Can't actually walk to a meeting. I live way out in the country, and it's more than 30 minutes by car. I will make a call to that lady again, though, and see if there's anyone else who might be able to come and get me. I would love to go.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Cath1029 
Can't actually walk to a meeting. I live way out in the country, and it's more than 30 minutes by car. I will make a call to that lady again, though, and see if there's anyone else who might be able to come and get me. I would love to go.
We stay sober by helping other alcoholics, if you call someone for a ride you will be doing them a favor, not imposing on them. then after you have been sober for for awhile, and you help another Cath/Glenna save her own life you will see what I mean.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Well, the bad thing about turning your phone off is that when you turn it back on you can't tell who the voice mails are from until you listen. Gotta get around that one somehow.
AH has sobered up and is hungover as hell and now wants to talk. He says he was "confused." He apologized for the hurtful things he said while drunk. I have no desire to talk to him, be his friend, be anything else for that matter. The calls are coming in as regularly as ever, but today is a better day for me, and I don't have to call back or text back, just say some prayers.
AH has sobered up and is hungover as hell and now wants to talk. He says he was "confused." He apologized for the hurtful things he said while drunk. I have no desire to talk to him, be his friend, be anything else for that matter. The calls are coming in as regularly as ever, but today is a better day for me, and I don't have to call back or text back, just say some prayers.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You sound stronger and more confident. It looks good on you too!
I appreciate your updates. We can see your progress. Your honest sharing about your struggles may be helping others that are too shy to reach out for help still.
The voice mail can be tricky. Have you considered hitting the delete key as soon as you recognize his voice on the message? Your daughter is being cared for by family, so is there any reason you need to listen to his quacking at this time in your life?
Keep on keeping on!
I appreciate your updates. We can see your progress. Your honest sharing about your struggles may be helping others that are too shy to reach out for help still.
The voice mail can be tricky. Have you considered hitting the delete key as soon as you recognize his voice on the message? Your daughter is being cared for by family, so is there any reason you need to listen to his quacking at this time in your life?
Keep on keeping on!
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Yes, I have been able to delete messages when I hear his voice, just let a couple slip through.
This is always his way. He goes out on a giant drunken binge and then sobers up and becomes humble and reflective and all the things I wished he woud be all along. This will last for a couple of days, and then it's business as usual. He may even hit a meeting or two during this time, but nothing ever sticks.
He says he loves me, wants me back, etc. He makes jokes and tries to draw me in with the familiar and with idle chatter. He pretends nothing ever happened, that he didn't say he was happy as a "pig in s**t" to be away from me or that I would never get better or be stable or that I didn't have a friend in the world except for him. He excuses it all by saying he was drunk.
And this is when I have to be stronger than ever. Because it would be so easy to get sucked back in and go back to what has been familiar for the last 3 years. It would be so easy to laugh at his jokes or get caught up in the idle chatter. Especially being lonely and having nobody around, which is like kryptonite to me.
But I see so many good things right in front of me, waiting for me to reach out and take them. And they will be mine if I stay on this path and let go and have faith. I believe HP has amazing things waiting for me, things that have always been there that I didn't even know existed. All I have to do is let Him.
Praying for strength.
This is always his way. He goes out on a giant drunken binge and then sobers up and becomes humble and reflective and all the things I wished he woud be all along. This will last for a couple of days, and then it's business as usual. He may even hit a meeting or two during this time, but nothing ever sticks.
He says he loves me, wants me back, etc. He makes jokes and tries to draw me in with the familiar and with idle chatter. He pretends nothing ever happened, that he didn't say he was happy as a "pig in s**t" to be away from me or that I would never get better or be stable or that I didn't have a friend in the world except for him. He excuses it all by saying he was drunk.
And this is when I have to be stronger than ever. Because it would be so easy to get sucked back in and go back to what has been familiar for the last 3 years. It would be so easy to laugh at his jokes or get caught up in the idle chatter. Especially being lonely and having nobody around, which is like kryptonite to me.
But I see so many good things right in front of me, waiting for me to reach out and take them. And they will be mine if I stay on this path and let go and have faith. I believe HP has amazing things waiting for me, things that have always been there that I didn't even know existed. All I have to do is let Him.
Praying for strength.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
This response is so loaded with insight, Cath1029, it should be made into a sticky itself. I am saying a prayer that you continue to feel in your gut the power of your HP, and the power of your own insight and strength to continue along this new and true path that seems just right for you. Peace and love 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
You are amazing Cath, and it is as if you are unfolding before my eyes. Keep on reminding yourself of his routine behavior, sort of like Pavlov's dog, in that he continues to say and do the same old things that have worked for him in the past. Whatever has sucked you in before is being done now, BUT THIS TIME IT IS NOT WORKING. Ok, up to now he hasn't stopped texting and calling long enough to work that out yet, but when he does get that "something is wrong" message I guess he will up the ante in contact attempts.
When (or if) that happens, remember you can't hear his rambling because you are with us on THE RAFT. Just keep on paddling with us, and help keep that raft moving forward for us all.
One of the "People with funny accents (from down under)", thanks Pelican.
When (or if) that happens, remember you can't hear his rambling because you are with us on THE RAFT. Just keep on paddling with us, and help keep that raft moving forward for us all.
One of the "People with funny accents (from down under)", thanks Pelican.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much it helps.
I had a voice mail from AH's ex-wife, who I am friendly with, but haven't talked to in quite a while. She said she had blocked AH's number (for whatever reason) and he called screaming from another number and blaming ME for the number being blocked. Apparently, he said horrible things that he was going to do for revenge like videotaping himself having sex with another woman and sending it to me and making my life hell. I don't know where in his mind that it was my fault the number was blocked, but he believed it wholeheartedly.
It was upsetting, but I have to remember that it's just part of the sickness, not just his but mine. I may not be able to take her calls either if it's going to let in bad information like that. It makes the raft too rocky.
I had a voice mail from AH's ex-wife, who I am friendly with, but haven't talked to in quite a while. She said she had blocked AH's number (for whatever reason) and he called screaming from another number and blaming ME for the number being blocked. Apparently, he said horrible things that he was going to do for revenge like videotaping himself having sex with another woman and sending it to me and making my life hell. I don't know where in his mind that it was my fault the number was blocked, but he believed it wholeheartedly.
It was upsetting, but I have to remember that it's just part of the sickness, not just his but mine. I may not be able to take her calls either if it's going to let in bad information like that. It makes the raft too rocky.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Progress not Perfection, right?!
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
All three steps in your last post!
Aware that you are receiving toxic information (eww) from someone (AH's ex)
and this information, while intended as informational is really nothing
more than dirty gossip.
Accepting that some peoples best intentions are not in your best interest.
Acting in your own best interest (only thing within your control) and enforcing
healthy boundaries.
Good on you!
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
All three steps in your last post!
Aware that you are receiving toxic information (eww) from someone (AH's ex)
and this information, while intended as informational is really nothing
more than dirty gossip.
Accepting that some peoples best intentions are not in your best interest.
Acting in your own best interest (only thing within your control) and enforcing
healthy boundaries.
Good on you!
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Worked at the church today washing windows for 2-1/2 hours, and felt like it was a blessing all the way through. It helps me way more than it helps them to have clean windows (lol). Getting out of my mind for a while and doing service is a true gift that they have given me. The pastor said I could continue even after my time was up, and I just might go ahead and do that. It gives me a nice pace to start my day.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Great meeting tonight. It focused on the 12th step, helping others, and the speaker was wonderful. I felt inspired and excited to find a sponsor and start my work, and I actually shared that in the meeting and talked to the speaker afterwards. It turns out he lives right in my neighborhood, so that might work out for a ride once in a while. He seems like an awesome person.
Afterwards, I called a lady from the program who I have been talking to daily. She had originally said she couldn't take on a new sponsee, but tonight she said she has been praying on it and was moved by how enthusiastic I was to get started, so she might be my sponsor after all. Yay!
Thanks for reading, as always.
Afterwards, I called a lady from the program who I have been talking to daily. She had originally said she couldn't take on a new sponsee, but tonight she said she has been praying on it and was moved by how enthusiastic I was to get started, so she might be my sponsor after all. Yay!
Thanks for reading, as always.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Wonderful how things just happen to slip into place for us, when we get to where we are too past fighting against our demons anymore. We surrender at last, and then miracles come calling on us, one after the other. The people we need appear. The home we need and can afford suddenly is there for us. Need a job, and we find one. Off our tree with the hell of an addiction to live with, and find SR.What coincidences all these things happening are. Yeah right.
Cath you are going so well and so fast, your shoes are burning. Well done.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
Your not alone, and your not the only one this has happened to. But it gets better.
You are a good person. There are good people who do bad things, and there are bad people who do good things. In a way, you did not have a choice, and to feel upset, shows you are by nature a good person, how many of those rich people, nickel and dime others for a little more money in their bank account, or that new car, or vacation house.
Also, you need to get to be independent, make your mind stop, period, about thinking of AH, if you had a best friend, that is what they would want for you, be your own best friend. Love Yourself, and live for yourself. get it ?
You are a good person. There are good people who do bad things, and there are bad people who do good things. In a way, you did not have a choice, and to feel upset, shows you are by nature a good person, how many of those rich people, nickel and dime others for a little more money in their bank account, or that new car, or vacation house.
Also, you need to get to be independent, make your mind stop, period, about thinking of AH, if you had a best friend, that is what they would want for you, be your own best friend. Love Yourself, and live for yourself. get it ?
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Thank you all. This morning I worked in the kitchen at church, then cleaning the outside walls in the Florida sun (lol). I also got to talk a little more to the people on staff, which made me feel good as well.
Something I brought to them today is that I have been concerned about what it will be like when my daughter gets back home. Aside from the obvious stressors, it was hard for me to have her home all day when I was trying to work and get things done, and there was nobody to watch her for meetings or other things I might need to do.
I would like to get her into a preschool/day care where she could be around other kids and learn every day, but I think the start-up costs would be more than I could handle right now. However, when she comes home, I don't want to start off with a bad pattern and get myself overwhelmed again. Just something that has been on my mind.
I have lived the last 3 years in a world that was so abnormal, but that I thought was normal. AH has friends who are addicts and dealers. He pretty much just takes whatever he wants in life and doesn't think of other people one bit. Just a kind of "grab what you can" mentality. Thinking only of yourself. I had started to live that way as well. Competely shallow and self-absorbed. I hated it.
Something I brought to them today is that I have been concerned about what it will be like when my daughter gets back home. Aside from the obvious stressors, it was hard for me to have her home all day when I was trying to work and get things done, and there was nobody to watch her for meetings or other things I might need to do.
I would like to get her into a preschool/day care where she could be around other kids and learn every day, but I think the start-up costs would be more than I could handle right now. However, when she comes home, I don't want to start off with a bad pattern and get myself overwhelmed again. Just something that has been on my mind.
I have lived the last 3 years in a world that was so abnormal, but that I thought was normal. AH has friends who are addicts and dealers. He pretty much just takes whatever he wants in life and doesn't think of other people one bit. Just a kind of "grab what you can" mentality. Thinking only of yourself. I had started to live that way as well. Competely shallow and self-absorbed. I hated it.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Oh, and something else...
There was another volunteer working at the church today. He was cleaning the ceiling fans and very handsome (lol). Anyway, he struck up a conversation with me and it was really nice. Oh, believe me, getting involved with somebody is the VERY LAST thing I am looking for at this point in my life, but it made me feel good nonetheless, like there were people out there interested in me and what I have to say unlike what AH has told me.
There was another volunteer working at the church today. He was cleaning the ceiling fans and very handsome (lol). Anyway, he struck up a conversation with me and it was really nice. Oh, believe me, getting involved with somebody is the VERY LAST thing I am looking for at this point in my life, but it made me feel good nonetheless, like there were people out there interested in me and what I have to say unlike what AH has told me.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ugh, this AH is textbook, hurting, showing remorse (I realize most of an alcoholic's life is show, nothing real), drinking, badmouthing.
A therapist told me "your enemy has one big fault: consistency" and yes, once you know how a person behaves,
1 you stop taking it personal
2 you gain the ability to PREDICT THE FUTURE
3 you can decide if you want to take any part on that future
It rules when other people recognize you and treat you right, keep moving forward! I am glad you are starting the steps! for me it took a year to stop struggling and just go for it... some of us are slow learners LOL
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
It's funny that you mentioned "predicting the future." AH has always called me predictable, in the insult form, but he is the one whose behavior you can always predict because it never changes. Huge binge, remorse, business as usual. That's him in a nutshell.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Checking in with myself again (lol).
So I have 11 days away from AH and a week sober tonight. And things are better. Tonight's meeting was a good one. The lady I told you about who was not sure if she could sponsor me said she had been praying on it and that HER sponsor kept popping up in her head, and she wanted me to meet her. Well, I met her after tonight's meeting, and she seems like a wonderful lady. She was very centered and calm, something I would love to have more of in my own life. She asked me to call her tomorrow to talk about things, which I will definitely do.
I also found 3 people at the meeting who live way out here in the country with me, and one of them is going to give me a ride on Sunday. He is actually the wonderful speaker from last night that I mentioned. It's like a little web of connections in the program that is coming together in such a nice way.
As for AH, I did cave and listen to a couple of voice messages today, and was shocked by how shallow I found them to be. He went on about his new tattoo and his hair and finding some food someone had left outside and taking it, etc., etc., quack, quack. It is hard to believe how much I related to all that and even participated in it for 3 years.
I still have to be careful to stay away, far away as possible. I have to remember that I'm a baby in all of this and still learning to toddle. While my heart and mind are open and I want to stay on this path, I need to remember to walk slowly and carefully, or I might miss seeing everything along the way.
Goodnight
So I have 11 days away from AH and a week sober tonight. And things are better. Tonight's meeting was a good one. The lady I told you about who was not sure if she could sponsor me said she had been praying on it and that HER sponsor kept popping up in her head, and she wanted me to meet her. Well, I met her after tonight's meeting, and she seems like a wonderful lady. She was very centered and calm, something I would love to have more of in my own life. She asked me to call her tomorrow to talk about things, which I will definitely do.
I also found 3 people at the meeting who live way out here in the country with me, and one of them is going to give me a ride on Sunday. He is actually the wonderful speaker from last night that I mentioned. It's like a little web of connections in the program that is coming together in such a nice way.
As for AH, I did cave and listen to a couple of voice messages today, and was shocked by how shallow I found them to be. He went on about his new tattoo and his hair and finding some food someone had left outside and taking it, etc., etc., quack, quack. It is hard to believe how much I related to all that and even participated in it for 3 years.
I still have to be careful to stay away, far away as possible. I have to remember that I'm a baby in all of this and still learning to toddle. While my heart and mind are open and I want to stay on this path, I need to remember to walk slowly and carefully, or I might miss seeing everything along the way.
Goodnight
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