Withdrawing from codependency
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Cath1029 
I know what you mean, Freedom, but the codie in me sees 3 new messages in a row from him and immediately thinks, "OMG, something is wrong! What happened? I have to fix it!" I think about deleting them, but I'm just not there yet.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You're feeling that 'two steps forward, one step back' phenomenon.
You get to church, you're prayers are heard and answered, and when you come away from that feeling blessed you are hit with his intoxicated drivel.
Cath, when you become more important and what you are doing to save yourself takes priority over him, you will be able to delete those messages without listening to them. For now, delete them because we said so. If you need someone to blame for missing his call, blame us. We can take the heat.
Right now everything seems like an uphill battle. Everything is weighing heavy on you because all that you want is what you can't have. It may not feel right, but you have to force yourself to keep walking this path. Make a basic list and check the items off each day. Eat. Sleep. Bathe. Work. Read. Journal. Pray. If you are doing something that does not go towards something on that list, stop. Fill your time with basic, healthy things to fill your needs and only your needs no one else's.
You can get through this. We are with you. Your HP is with you. You are not alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I assure you. You must have faith.
From the heart,
Alice
You get to church, you're prayers are heard and answered, and when you come away from that feeling blessed you are hit with his intoxicated drivel.
Cath, when you become more important and what you are doing to save yourself takes priority over him, you will be able to delete those messages without listening to them. For now, delete them because we said so. If you need someone to blame for missing his call, blame us. We can take the heat.
Right now everything seems like an uphill battle. Everything is weighing heavy on you because all that you want is what you can't have. It may not feel right, but you have to force yourself to keep walking this path. Make a basic list and check the items off each day. Eat. Sleep. Bathe. Work. Read. Journal. Pray. If you are doing something that does not go towards something on that list, stop. Fill your time with basic, healthy things to fill your needs and only your needs no one else's.
You can get through this. We are with you. Your HP is with you. You are not alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I assure you. You must have faith.
From the heart,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 63
detatching is the hardest thing to do.. I'm fighting this every day and sometimes it feels pretty psychotic, this moment thinking "i dont want to end this, i'd rather die! then after 10 minutes I tell myself it is so much better not thinking of him 24/7 and worrying about all his issues. in the end i realise i should of done this so much longer ago, when i wasnt so blinded, but it got harder with the time, becoming almost impossible to live with. but it is not, you have to fight for it!
just hang on, dont give up and time will heal it, I'm sure. (((HUG)))
just hang on, dont give up and time will heal it, I'm sure. (((HUG)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
Make a basic list and check the items off each day. Eat. Sleep. Bathe. Work. Read. Journal. Pray. If you are doing something that does not go towards something on that list, stop. Fill your time with basic, healthy things to fill your needs and only your needs no one else's.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Thanks, Alice, that helped me too. I went to a meeting this evening and shared that I was having a hard time and feeling alone. I was able to get some phone numbers, just need the courage to use them.
I am kind of scared about tomorrow being Labor Day. I'm kind of stuck in the house because I have no gas in my car and no money left, can't get to a meeting. I don't want to spend the whole day pacing the floors like Saturday. It just seems like it's going to be a really long 24 hours, and I don't want to find myself lonely and contemplating something stupid that would undo the work I've done in the last several days. I'm just not looking forward to it at all
I am kind of scared about tomorrow being Labor Day. I'm kind of stuck in the house because I have no gas in my car and no money left, can't get to a meeting. I don't want to spend the whole day pacing the floors like Saturday. It just seems like it's going to be a really long 24 hours, and I don't want to find myself lonely and contemplating something stupid that would undo the work I've done in the last several days. I'm just not looking forward to it at all
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Maybe I can walk early or late in the day. It's still really hot here in Florida.
AH called and then sent a weird text, something about him being the best looking guy in the room. I guess it's not that weird, he is very shallow and self-absorbed. I had gotten so used to it that I started thinking it was normal. He and most of his friends are the same way, and in that lifestyle I began to believe it was the right way to act. Only now am I remembering that there are much more important things in life than superficial things. I think I always knew, it was just easier to push the deeper stuff away.
In order to have this man, I threw away my entire belief system. I stopped caring about myself and my personal needs or even the needs of other people. I lied for no reason, manipulated, played the victim and took way more than I gave. I lost my integrity. I lost my soul. Only now am I starting to want it back and praying it's not too late to have it.
I want to stand side by side with the people in my life and have them feel they can trust me and depend on me and that I'm there for them as much as they are for me. That I'm not there simply to suck the life out of them. I want a foundation within myself that can be built upon and not just an empty shell. I want to reach out to people for reasons other than desperation.
Sorry for the rambling. It does help me to write this stuff out and get feedback. I look forward to the day that my experience can be of benefit to somebody else here, because right now I'm hanging on every word that I read.
AH called and then sent a weird text, something about him being the best looking guy in the room. I guess it's not that weird, he is very shallow and self-absorbed. I had gotten so used to it that I started thinking it was normal. He and most of his friends are the same way, and in that lifestyle I began to believe it was the right way to act. Only now am I remembering that there are much more important things in life than superficial things. I think I always knew, it was just easier to push the deeper stuff away.
In order to have this man, I threw away my entire belief system. I stopped caring about myself and my personal needs or even the needs of other people. I lied for no reason, manipulated, played the victim and took way more than I gave. I lost my integrity. I lost my soul. Only now am I starting to want it back and praying it's not too late to have it.
I want to stand side by side with the people in my life and have them feel they can trust me and depend on me and that I'm there for them as much as they are for me. That I'm not there simply to suck the life out of them. I want a foundation within myself that can be built upon and not just an empty shell. I want to reach out to people for reasons other than desperation.
Sorry for the rambling. It does help me to write this stuff out and get feedback. I look forward to the day that my experience can be of benefit to somebody else here, because right now I'm hanging on every word that I read.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Being stuck at home with something gnawing at you like this is a recipe for trouble.
It is time to break out the heavy artillery here....something to keep your idle hands from dialing the 'wrong' phone number...I'm going to suggest getting back to basics and putting yourself to work cleaning the house. Time consuming projects that require more labor than thought usually work for me. Start with one..if you finish try another.
Scrub the kitchen floor by hand.
Take everything and I mean everything out of the cabinets and wipe them down then organize and put everything back. This is a great time to consider items not used in a while going to your church or other charity (Charity helps to replace that need we have to help our addicts by helping others in need).
Borrow a cup of detergent from a neighbor (that's a different brand than yours) and run a load of comforting items (sweatshirt, sheets, T-shirts etc) through the wash. A new scent from your clothes and such is a powerful distraction and will cover scents of him around you that can trigger feelings of loss.
Open and clean your windows. This lets in fresh air that helps to change mood and more light through the windows brightens mood and thinking. If you have bad allergies, just clean the inside of the windows and try an air filtering fan to freshen the air if you have one.
Iron and fold neatly all your linens even if you've done it before they were put in the closet or on the bed. This will release fragrance from them and will be time consuming.
Now for what to do after breakfast......
I'm teases on that last part. These are just ideas to keep you occupied. If you were trying to distract a child in the dentist's chair, what would you do? How many stories would you tell? How many games would you play? The anticipation of something dreadful, the longing of being somewhere (heck, anywhere) else, and the need for reassurance is overwhelming to the child. You are in no different a state right now and should be giving yourself every ounce of patience you would try to muster for that child in the dentist's chair.
We are still here. Your HP is still here. Keep posting, you can get through this!!
Alice
It is time to break out the heavy artillery here....something to keep your idle hands from dialing the 'wrong' phone number...I'm going to suggest getting back to basics and putting yourself to work cleaning the house. Time consuming projects that require more labor than thought usually work for me. Start with one..if you finish try another.
Scrub the kitchen floor by hand.
Take everything and I mean everything out of the cabinets and wipe them down then organize and put everything back. This is a great time to consider items not used in a while going to your church or other charity (Charity helps to replace that need we have to help our addicts by helping others in need).
Borrow a cup of detergent from a neighbor (that's a different brand than yours) and run a load of comforting items (sweatshirt, sheets, T-shirts etc) through the wash. A new scent from your clothes and such is a powerful distraction and will cover scents of him around you that can trigger feelings of loss.
Open and clean your windows. This lets in fresh air that helps to change mood and more light through the windows brightens mood and thinking. If you have bad allergies, just clean the inside of the windows and try an air filtering fan to freshen the air if you have one.
Iron and fold neatly all your linens even if you've done it before they were put in the closet or on the bed. This will release fragrance from them and will be time consuming.
Now for what to do after breakfast......
I'm teases on that last part. These are just ideas to keep you occupied. If you were trying to distract a child in the dentist's chair, what would you do? How many stories would you tell? How many games would you play? The anticipation of something dreadful, the longing of being somewhere (heck, anywhere) else, and the need for reassurance is overwhelming to the child. You are in no different a state right now and should be giving yourself every ounce of patience you would try to muster for that child in the dentist's chair.
We are still here. Your HP is still here. Keep posting, you can get through this!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Freedom's right....reaching out for a friend and reaching out for help (in this case a ride to a meeting) is part of breaking the shame and self loathing bologna that we've been feeding ourselves in codependency. If anyone on that list you have says no, I would be gobsmacked. We are, after all, helpers at heart.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I'm glad you are here--it helps a lot.
I really do need to clean house, literally and figuratively. My little cottage is depressing right now. I don't like to come home to it. I haven't given it the love it deserves in a long time.
AH just texted again. I think he is drunk or high right now. Trying to stay in the moment and stay reflective though. Did I tell you I changed his name in my phone to "Liar"? So that's what I see whenever he calls or texts--lol.
ETA: AH is getting bizarre right now, texting me stuff like song lyrics. He has to be wasted. His last one said, "Maybe I will die tonight." I don't know if that was a song lyric or not. It's hard not to respond. Trying to keep the focus on myself, but he's trying to push buttons.
I really do need to clean house, literally and figuratively. My little cottage is depressing right now. I don't like to come home to it. I haven't given it the love it deserves in a long time.
AH just texted again. I think he is drunk or high right now. Trying to stay in the moment and stay reflective though. Did I tell you I changed his name in my phone to "Liar"? So that's what I see whenever he calls or texts--lol.
ETA: AH is getting bizarre right now, texting me stuff like song lyrics. He has to be wasted. His last one said, "Maybe I will die tonight." I don't know if that was a song lyric or not. It's hard not to respond. Trying to keep the focus on myself, but he's trying to push buttons.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Now I'm all agitated and can't breathe again. Buttons have been pushed. Waiting for the next text and it's not coming and I'm wondering what's going on and it's 1:00 in the morning now. I feel like a complete junkie. Don't see anyone online here and don't know what to do. Why didn't he just leave me alone like he said he was going to?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Cath:
One of the reasons that the loss of an intimate partner (through death, separation or divorce) hurts so much is that a biochemical effect is at work. Not just psychological, but biochemical. You have become attached to this man at even a cellular level, where there was a dependency on his presence. Now that he is absent, you are suffering both mentally AND physically, and it will take some time to readjust.
You are withdrawing from a relationship and suffering the pains of that withdrawal. Just like with any addiction, your body needs time to heal as well as your mind.
Your pain is real, not imagined. You'll should be able to find some relief by distracting yourself with other activities, other relationships (perhaps reconnecting with old friends?) keeping busy, and avoiding the down time that can invite rumination.
If you've ever been in an intimate relationship that ended, you know that you will get through the pain of this breakup, though it might take some weeks, maybe some months. If this is your first breakup, you'll have to trust that things will get better.
Keep your eyes on the prize (making the break from a person and a relationship that will lead nowhere and will bring continued heartache to you). The payoff will be worth it.
I'll be pulling for you!
Electa
One of the reasons that the loss of an intimate partner (through death, separation or divorce) hurts so much is that a biochemical effect is at work. Not just psychological, but biochemical. You have become attached to this man at even a cellular level, where there was a dependency on his presence. Now that he is absent, you are suffering both mentally AND physically, and it will take some time to readjust.
You are withdrawing from a relationship and suffering the pains of that withdrawal. Just like with any addiction, your body needs time to heal as well as your mind.
Your pain is real, not imagined. You'll should be able to find some relief by distracting yourself with other activities, other relationships (perhaps reconnecting with old friends?) keeping busy, and avoiding the down time that can invite rumination.
If you've ever been in an intimate relationship that ended, you know that you will get through the pain of this breakup, though it might take some weeks, maybe some months. If this is your first breakup, you'll have to trust that things will get better.
Keep your eyes on the prize (making the break from a person and a relationship that will lead nowhere and will bring continued heartache to you). The payoff will be worth it.
I'll be pulling for you!
Electa
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Made it through another night, but spent most of it awake. AH just sent a text that said, "Goodbye." Don't know what that's supposed to mean. Yes, I would block him, but don't have the strength just yet. Something to pray for, I guess.
Trying to focus on Step 11 today, praying only for knowledge of HP's will for me and the power to carry it out. I know I'm jumping ahead, but it's kind of what I need right now.
ETA: Another message. "You're going to miss me when I'm gone."
Trying to focus on Step 11 today, praying only for knowledge of HP's will for me and the power to carry it out. I know I'm jumping ahead, but it's kind of what I need right now.
ETA: Another message. "You're going to miss me when I'm gone."
Last edited by Cath1029; 09-07-2009 at 06:17 AM.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
It's so hard, Cath. I'm sorry you're going through this. One of the times me and my xabf broke up, he made suicidal rumblings at me via txt message. It was very disturbing.
I can't sit here and say whether or not YOUR ah would follow through-I have no idea whether he would or not from the distance where I'm at-but I think alcoholics are good at this type of manipulation. If you are truly concerned he might do something to harm himself, you could go to the police. In most states, you could have someone committed for threatening to kill themselves. I know in California, where I live, if he was committed to a mental hospital and they diagnosed his alcoholism, they would force him to get clean and to go to AA.
I can't sit here and say whether or not YOUR ah would follow through-I have no idea whether he would or not from the distance where I'm at-but I think alcoholics are good at this type of manipulation. If you are truly concerned he might do something to harm himself, you could go to the police. In most states, you could have someone committed for threatening to kill themselves. I know in California, where I live, if he was committed to a mental hospital and they diagnosed his alcoholism, they would force him to get clean and to go to AA.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Cath1029
AH just sent a text that said, "Goodbye." Don't know what that's supposed to mean..
ETA: Another message. "You're going to miss me when I'm gone."
ETA: Another message. "You're going to miss me when I'm gone."
How the hell will you miss him? He can't leave you alone for 30 minutes.
How will you hear your HP's will for your life, when you won't turn off the phone and listen to someone other than a drunk?
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
In my heart I don't think he's really suicidal. He's just trying to f**k with my mind. He sent me a text that said for me to get better and call him, because "it doesn't get any better than me." Meaning I could never do any better than him.
He won't stop trying to hurt me, and I know the power is in my hands, but I'm so afraid to take that leap away from him into something unknown but likely better.
I have cried and shook for the last hour and a half. I'm so scared. I want to drink really badly to make the anxiety and fear go away and be able to breathe again. I want so badly to let go, yet it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He won't stop trying to hurt me, and I know the power is in my hands, but I'm so afraid to take that leap away from him into something unknown but likely better.
I have cried and shook for the last hour and a half. I'm so scared. I want to drink really badly to make the anxiety and fear go away and be able to breathe again. I want so badly to let go, yet it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Cath, like I said, my xabf pulled the same trick. I'm not recommending you engage-for me, I ended up sending him an email telling him to stop trying to manipulate me, and if he truly WAS suicidal, here's the hotline number. 
So...let's see. Suicidal threats didn't work, so now he's going to the "let's make her think she's not good enough to do better than me" brand of manipultion. You know what that is? That is abuse. But it's yet another trick in the alcoholic repertoire. Well, honey, you can do a LOT better than that.
I often wonder why, are we so afraid of the unknown, when what we DO know...is pretty freakin' bad?! I mean, for over 2 yrs, I put up with drunk txt msgs in th emiddle of the night, freaking out wondering if my abf was gonna do something stupid or get hurt while drunk, due to the fact that I personally had kept him from getting arrested once, had to deal wiht him getting violent and breaking my phone and his computer, once had to fight him to get the keys to his friend's car, cuz both he and his friend were too drunk to drive, yet they wanted to...I mean, the list goes on.
Look, even being ALONE, is better than putting up with all of that. Cuz at least I know that *I* will never put *myself* in a scary situation like any of these! At least, *I* Love myself enough to make sure I'm not endangering me or harming myself...I can't say the same thing about him! His alcoholism wouldn't let him give 2 shakes about MY needs. I knew if I ended up alone, worst case scenario, I had myself to rely on, and hey! I'm a pretty trustworthy, dependable person. I AM NOT AN ADDICT.
So, alone...y'know, that's not too bad.
It's human to be scared of the unknown but once you start relying on yourself, and taking that energy you USED to put in your toxic relationship and instead, channeling it towards YOUR needs and YOUR wants, you become amazed at the things you can accomplish.
So...let's see. Suicidal threats didn't work, so now he's going to the "let's make her think she's not good enough to do better than me" brand of manipultion. You know what that is? That is abuse. But it's yet another trick in the alcoholic repertoire. Well, honey, you can do a LOT better than that.
I often wonder why, are we so afraid of the unknown, when what we DO know...is pretty freakin' bad?! I mean, for over 2 yrs, I put up with drunk txt msgs in th emiddle of the night, freaking out wondering if my abf was gonna do something stupid or get hurt while drunk, due to the fact that I personally had kept him from getting arrested once, had to deal wiht him getting violent and breaking my phone and his computer, once had to fight him to get the keys to his friend's car, cuz both he and his friend were too drunk to drive, yet they wanted to...I mean, the list goes on.
Look, even being ALONE, is better than putting up with all of that. Cuz at least I know that *I* will never put *myself* in a scary situation like any of these! At least, *I* Love myself enough to make sure I'm not endangering me or harming myself...I can't say the same thing about him! His alcoholism wouldn't let him give 2 shakes about MY needs. I knew if I ended up alone, worst case scenario, I had myself to rely on, and hey! I'm a pretty trustworthy, dependable person. I AM NOT AN ADDICT.
So, alone...y'know, that's not too bad.
It's human to be scared of the unknown but once you start relying on yourself, and taking that energy you USED to put in your toxic relationship and instead, channeling it towards YOUR needs and YOUR wants, you become amazed at the things you can accomplish.
Originally Posted by Cath1029
In my heart I don't think he's really suicidal. He's just trying to f**k with my mind. He sent me a text that said for me to get better and call him, because "it doesn't get any better than me." Meaning I could never do any better than him.
He won't stop trying to hurt me, and I know the power is in my hands, but I'm so afraid to take that leap away from him into something unknown but likely better.
I have cried and shook for the last hour and a half. I'm so scared. I want to drink really badly to make the anxiety and fear go away and be able to breathe again. I want so badly to let go, yet it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He won't stop trying to hurt me, and I know the power is in my hands, but I'm so afraid to take that leap away from him into something unknown but likely better.
I have cried and shook for the last hour and a half. I'm so scared. I want to drink really badly to make the anxiety and fear go away and be able to breathe again. I want so badly to let go, yet it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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