NewandConfused

I hope I am at the right site. I am new to discussing my spouse's drinking problem. I have been married for 15 years and only 38 years old. My life has been consumed with alcohol our whole marriage. I am at my breaking point. My husband starting AA yesterday. I'm I wrong for not believing in him? We have been down this road many times. I think he decided AA after a 12 hour bar stay and now is freaking out that it had gone this far. I am so angry at him. My husband does not drink daily, but when he does, he does not stop. He cannot have a beer or 2 he needs 10-15 enough to have him pass out and miss work the next day. I can't beleive he still has a job. He miss's work at least once a week due to a hang-over,

Please tell me I am not alone in feeling the way I do. I'm angry and did I mention we have 3 kids. One who is 14 and see's her dad's car all the time at the local bar.

Please help!

Latte

You are not alone. Have you considered Al-Anon for you? That may help you.

Please keep coming back, there is so much support here.

harleyd101

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Welcome to SR. This is a place of hope! I just started to post a week ago, and a problem shared is a problem cut in half. I know of the anger you speak, and the emotional rollercoaster you are on. Everyone here tells me I am not the cause of his drinking, I can't control his drinking, and I can't cure his drinking.

The suggestions given here are solid advise. I went to my first Al-anon meeting this week, and realized that I had to do something different to survive. It was eye opening. I was also told to read Melody Beatties "Co-dependent No More", and to put the focus on myself and take it off of him

I am sorry you are in so much pain, but pain is a great motivator. If you want a better life for yourself and your children, read all you can on alcoholism, focus on getting yourself better, and that you have a safe place on these boards to talk. The people here are wonderful, and have brought hope and inspiration back into my life. Hang in there honey!!! Big hugs!!

ItsmeAlice

There is shame with living with the disease of alcoholism. Reaching out is the first step in seeking a healthier life. You've done this in coming here, and I commend you.

WELCOME TO SR!!

This forum is dedicated to supporting family and friends affected by an alcoholic in their life. There are as many variations of alcoholism as their are stars in the sky so the manner in which your spouse drinks or the frequency or the number of times he has sought sobriety is not important. What is important, is how his life, your life, and the lives of your children have been affected by his alcohol use.

There are threads at the top of this forum that will go a long way to helping you educate yourself on what you can do to make life bearable for you and your children while you all work through some of the heavy emotions, like the anger you talk about, that you have.

You will read a lot about recovery, which is something you can pursue whether he is capable or wants to pursue recovery for himself. You will also read a lot about detachment, which is one of the first steps I made, which will be vital for you to relieve yourself of some of the emotional ups and downs that his behavior and mood well up in those around him. It's not all about walking out. It's about stepping back a bit emotionally to save yourself.

You are not alone. In fact, there are probably people in your life going through the same problems in their own lives but are putting on their best face for the world.

You are certainly not alone here!

Keep sharing, keep reading, and don't give up on yourself....ever!

Alice

Bernadette

Hi Newandconfused,
Please call it what it is to your kids: Alcoholism.
And let them know:
They didn't Cause it.
They can't Control it.
They can't Cure it.

And maybe that 14 yr old might benefit from some Alateen literature. I sure would have. It wasn't until I got into AlAnon in my twenties that I was able toi turn my head around and deal wih all the fallout from my childhood and learn how to cope w/ my brothers drinking without going cuckoo.

Growing up with an alcoholic father really sucked. I wish there had been just one adult with the guts to talk to me about it. If that adult had been my Mom? Wow- what a lot of pain and anxiety and rage could have been avoided...unfortunately my 3 brothers all grew up to be alcoholics. Would it have made a difference if we had talked about my dad's illness openly? We'll never know...

Glad you're here! You are most certainly not alone!! Welcome--
b

NewandConfused

Wow , that makes sense. I need to be honest with my daughter and not cover it up for him. I wonder how mad he will get with the truth?

URMYEVERYTHING

Your daughter deserves this honesty before she starts making assumptions about your marriage and her father's behavior.

What does it matter how he will feel? Does he consider how she feels when she his car parked outside the bar?

Your main goal is to protect your children.

Welcome to SR.. there are a lot of supportive people here.

HanahGoodness

Be honest to your daughter and answer any questions openly. It is going to be better for you both if you can help each other by talking about this through each step. Whether you stay with him or not, honesty about the addiction is the only way.

bluejay6

Welcome NandC,

Some helpful things to remember:


He will not be able to keep any promises he makes about his drinking or about anything else.

He will distort what you say to him. He will hear only what you DO.

Don't make threats you will not follow through on.

Arguing with him will be a waste of time.

Not changing anything is exactly what he hopes you will do.

His addiction thrives on chaos so he will try to create plenty of that.

He will blame everyone and everything in the world for his misery--but mostly he will blame you.

He has emotionally abandoned both you and your daughter.

Al-anon and a counselor skilled in addiction will give you the backbone you need to deal with his power.


Hoping you find all the help you need, and a better life.

Love,
Bluejay

NewandConfused

I have been reading alot of threads here. All seem to have left their spouse due to AA. Is there anyone out there that has a spouse attending AA and they are still together with a happy ending.
I'm not sure I'm ready to walk out of a 15 year marriage. Am I crazy???

sandrawg

What do you mean "all seem to have left their spouse due to AA"???

'm not sure what you mean by this.

On this particular area of the forum, many of us left our alcoholic spouses, significant others because we realized that there is no such thing as a healthy relationship with an alcoholic..we hit bottom...we were sick, and needed to do what was best for us, which was walking away.

You see, when you're with an active alcoholic, al-anon and groups like that (and codependency literature) teaches, detachment. But it is amazingly hard to detach when you're living with someone who is in active addiction. For many of us, we put into practice what we learned as best we could, while still living with or loving the alcoholic, but we realized it was untenable.

If you're suggesting that AA will make your husband want to leave you, well, no one can predict how he will behave or act, assuming he really does seriously get into recovery...many alcoholics just kind of "play" at AA...my xabf is doing this...going to meetings but not really taking them seriously cuz he hasn't been forced to come to the conclusion that he actually has a problem.

I did, though. I'm sure he has a problem, and I realized:

1) I didn't cause it
2) I can't control it
and 3) I can't cure it.

Detachment didn't work for me, because as much as I tried to detach, his drinking STILL affected me. And I was tired of the chaos and drama. I've HAD a better life before-I know what my potential is and had calm and peaceful times to compare that to, so I wanted my good life back.

Pls stay here, read as much as you can. You ask "am I crazy"...you may feel crazy-alcoholics make us feel that way 99 percent of the time. I think when I was with my xabf, I was sick, not crazy. But there is comfort in talking to people who've been there before...we truly know what you're going through and are here for you.

Chrysalis123

To answer your first question, yes there are people that have not left alcoholic marriages. I'm not sure about what you mean by a happy ending.

I am one of the ones that left an 18 year marriage. Leaving it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. But you know what? I feel I have a happy ending, and I am now thankful for all I went through. Without it I would not be who I am today. Is my life what I imagined it would be when I was a young women getting married...NO. But neither was living with a selfish, immature, emotionally stunted, lying raging alcoholic. I became so tangled up into his problem and his issues I forgot where I began and where he ended. I became just as sick as him...just manifested itself in other ways. I don't know about you but right before I made my decision to finally look after me (no matter what he did) I would have to classify my former self as crazy.

I'm sorry for what brought you here. Lots of us understand and please know you are among friends. Post as often and as much as you need.

bookwyrm

How long is long enough? I stayed with my STBXAH for 18 years, each year hoping (and trying everything in my power) that he would somehow change. Well, eventually, he did. He got so much worse!! And I still stayed hoping he would reach his bottom. I endured years of daily verbal and emotional abuse that had escalated to drunken tirades. And still I stayed. And I tried to detach. And then he left.

Please, don't do what I did. Don't put yourself through what I endured. The length of time you've been married won't stop him drinking. Just waiting for him to see the light is a waste of your life. I still haven't quite forgiven myself for wasting so much of my life, energy, self respect and worth on someone who wasn't worth it.

tjp613

Get yourself to an Al-anon meeting pronto....or at least do some reading:

1) How Al-Anon Works
and
2) Co-Dependent No More

You HAVE TO protect your kids-- that's your #1 job.

NewandConfused

Thank you all for your words. I'm thinking he is just playing the AA game, I truly don't think he believes he has a problem. He's first meeting was just on Friday, when he came home he didn't say much about it. But all weekend he made me feel like I was not a supportive wife. He said I turn everthing into "poor me" I'm curious at AA meeting don't they teach them that this is all their fault! And is it odd that he told no one in his family or any of his friends that he attended a meeting? Next meeting is tomorrow and I'm already guessing he will not go.

My fear is that I put so much into this relationship and when I finally leave, he will become the Sober husband I have been begging to have! But on the other hand, I feel I am still young and don't need this anymore.

This is why I am so happy to have found this sight. I really need this.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I divorced my AH. He is now my RAXH (recovering alcoholic ex husband). I also moved away to another community when I divorced. We are friends who support each other in our seperate recovery programs. He keeps his side of the street clean, and I keep my side of the street clean.


That was the 30 second run down. During the last few years of my marriage, I maintained the 24 hour plan. Each day when I woke up, before my feet hit the floor I asked myself a question: Was today the day I ended the marriage? Yes or no. If the answer was no, I was not ending the marriage today - I would get up and live my day to the best of my ability as a married woman. I didn't waste that 24 hour period with internal conflict of "should I stay or should I go". For that 24 hour period I maintained my marriage to the best of my ability.

Eventually, after my then active alcoholic lost his ability to be house broken (among other things). I woke up one day and said "Yes, this is the day I end my marriage."

You don't have to decide the fate of your marriage before 3:00 p.m. Tuesday, right? You have lots of questions and lots to consider.

Have you attended Alanon? I highly recommend that support group for you!

You can also attend open AA meetings yourself. Closed meetings are for alcoholics only. Open AA meetings have a guest speaker. The guest speaker shares their personal struggles with addiction and their victories.

Also, you can learn alot about meetings here on this forum. Some of the members here, myself included, are also recovering alcoholics.

So pull up a keyboard and make yourself at home!

bluejay6

It is possible for you to order your own copy of the big book "Alcoholics Anonymous" online (Amazon, etc) and you can read for yourself what recovery is about. You can also get insight into what not to do as the spouse. (Though Al-Anon books will focus more on that...and those are available online, too. "How Al-Anon Works" is very good). Most recovery books can also be purchased through the online site "Alibris" for used books, much cheaper.

I have attended only one AA meeting, to broaden my understanding of alcoholism. In the meeting I attended, family issues, relationship issues were never mentioned by any of those who shared. What was discussed was the relationship with alcohol, and the struggle therein. All meetings are different, and I'm sure in many of them, issues of marriage and family do come up. But my feeling is that probably those more intimate issues are handled one on one, with a sponsor, as the alcoholic works through the 12 Steps, arriving at the steps which involve cleaning up the wreckage of the past.

So I would keep my expectations low that your relationship with your AH will be quickly altered by his initial attendance at AA. It could take a year or more before he is ready to work on the relationship which is currently a distant second to that which he has with alcohol: his marriage.

What will be best for you right now is to find recovering people (Al-Anon, a counselor, this website and others) and hang on and learn from them to get you through the changes you need to make. We all must change. Not just the alcoholic.

Put your children first.

All the very best to you. Don't give up.

Bluejay