Am I expecting too much?
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Am I expecting too much?
Hi all,
My AH and I have had a tough couple of weeks (or months actually) and I ended up giving him an ultimatum this week. I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to live with all that drama anymore - so I told him it was up to him to decide whether he wants to get treatment and have me stay in our apartment or continue drinking and have me look for another place. I really didn't intend for it to be an ultimatum (just wanted him to decide how he wants to live his life and act accordingly), but I guess I ended up turning into one.
So, after another complete meltdown on my part yesterday (just been overwhelmed with emotions), he made an appointment at an outpatient treatment facility for next week. At this point, I'm questioning whether treatment will work, as he is doing it because he doesn't want to lose me. I think intellectually he knows he needs to quit, but I'm not sure his heart is telling him the same thing (if you know what I mean).
Anyways, maybe I'm expecting more than he can give me. I assumed that when he made the choice to get treatment, he also made the choice to stop drinking. So I got a little upset when he came home from work that same evening with a 12 pack of beer (and possibly more?). I tried to talk to him today, because I want to know what his plans are/ when he intends to stop drinking/ why he is making appointments for treatment while still drinking... etc. (I know, I know... really codie of me, but I just don't want to waste money on treatment if he keeps drinking and doesn't take it seriously). His answer to my questions was mainly "I don't know" and then he justified his drinking with "I just wanted to relax and drink some beer after a stressful day at work" and "I'm not getting any sex, so how else should I release my stress"... The thing that really bugs me is that I can't talk to him about problems - he listens and tells me he understands or that he loves me or that he doesn't know what to say, but I can't seem to get him to open up about his feelings and get a real conversation going (it always ends up being more of a lecture *argh.)
I guess my question is how am I supposed to act until he goes to his assesment appointment at the end of next week? Do I just ignore his drinking? What can I expect from him regarding his drinking once he starts treatment... should I find another place to stay if he doesn't abstain from a once he starts treatment? Do people usually quit cold turkey when getting into treatment? Am I too hard on him - expecting huge changes instead of acknowledging baby steps?
I just don't know anymore!
My AH and I have had a tough couple of weeks (or months actually) and I ended up giving him an ultimatum this week. I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to live with all that drama anymore - so I told him it was up to him to decide whether he wants to get treatment and have me stay in our apartment or continue drinking and have me look for another place. I really didn't intend for it to be an ultimatum (just wanted him to decide how he wants to live his life and act accordingly), but I guess I ended up turning into one.
So, after another complete meltdown on my part yesterday (just been overwhelmed with emotions), he made an appointment at an outpatient treatment facility for next week. At this point, I'm questioning whether treatment will work, as he is doing it because he doesn't want to lose me. I think intellectually he knows he needs to quit, but I'm not sure his heart is telling him the same thing (if you know what I mean).
Anyways, maybe I'm expecting more than he can give me. I assumed that when he made the choice to get treatment, he also made the choice to stop drinking. So I got a little upset when he came home from work that same evening with a 12 pack of beer (and possibly more?). I tried to talk to him today, because I want to know what his plans are/ when he intends to stop drinking/ why he is making appointments for treatment while still drinking... etc. (I know, I know... really codie of me, but I just don't want to waste money on treatment if he keeps drinking and doesn't take it seriously). His answer to my questions was mainly "I don't know" and then he justified his drinking with "I just wanted to relax and drink some beer after a stressful day at work" and "I'm not getting any sex, so how else should I release my stress"... The thing that really bugs me is that I can't talk to him about problems - he listens and tells me he understands or that he loves me or that he doesn't know what to say, but I can't seem to get him to open up about his feelings and get a real conversation going (it always ends up being more of a lecture *argh.)
I guess my question is how am I supposed to act until he goes to his assesment appointment at the end of next week? Do I just ignore his drinking? What can I expect from him regarding his drinking once he starts treatment... should I find another place to stay if he doesn't abstain from a once he starts treatment? Do people usually quit cold turkey when getting into treatment? Am I too hard on him - expecting huge changes instead of acknowledging baby steps?
I just don't know anymore!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Oh my Goodness Lotus, I am exhausted just reading your post!!!
Lotus, you simply have to decide - regardless of his drinking or his response to treatment or any other thing related to his drinking and/or his recovery or lack of recovery, you have to know what you want. If your decisions are based on whether he drinks or not or whether he responds to treatment in the way you hope or not- then don't you see ? Your dynamic with this person will never change.
Step all the way off his side of the street. Accept him as he is right now. He took your challenge as an ultimatum - and now- you see already he only has to answer to you- he made a treatment appointment - but he still drinks. He argues with YOU about it. He is not on the hook for anything here! Until, and only until he wants to answer to himself for his own behavior (drinking), he will not be able to find recovery. Maybe he only made the appointment to get you off his back- if even for another hour or another day - the alcoholic will manipulate the enablers around him/her so that they can just keep drinking!! It is the classic behavior of a person who still has some drinking to do! As Anvil said only time will tell- but you can't be waitin' around full of anxiety like this!!
So just ask yourself - how much more of this insanity can you take before you have permanently damaged your own mental health!!! Maybe keep your cards a little closer to your chest and decide for yourself "If I still feel this way in X number of days and he is still drinking then I will take steps to leave this relationship...or whatever healthy steps you feel you are prepared to make. But this kind of focus on him and whether he is about to change, right NOW, into an alcoholic sincerely seeking recovery, and you having all these very specific expectations -- I mean- it'll make you nuts Lotus!!
Plz take care of yourself-
peace,
b
Lotus, you simply have to decide - regardless of his drinking or his response to treatment or any other thing related to his drinking and/or his recovery or lack of recovery, you have to know what you want. If your decisions are based on whether he drinks or not or whether he responds to treatment in the way you hope or not- then don't you see ? Your dynamic with this person will never change.
Step all the way off his side of the street. Accept him as he is right now. He took your challenge as an ultimatum - and now- you see already he only has to answer to you- he made a treatment appointment - but he still drinks. He argues with YOU about it. He is not on the hook for anything here! Until, and only until he wants to answer to himself for his own behavior (drinking), he will not be able to find recovery. Maybe he only made the appointment to get you off his back- if even for another hour or another day - the alcoholic will manipulate the enablers around him/her so that they can just keep drinking!! It is the classic behavior of a person who still has some drinking to do! As Anvil said only time will tell- but you can't be waitin' around full of anxiety like this!!
So just ask yourself - how much more of this insanity can you take before you have permanently damaged your own mental health!!! Maybe keep your cards a little closer to your chest and decide for yourself "If I still feel this way in X number of days and he is still drinking then I will take steps to leave this relationship...or whatever healthy steps you feel you are prepared to make. But this kind of focus on him and whether he is about to change, right NOW, into an alcoholic sincerely seeking recovery, and you having all these very specific expectations -- I mean- it'll make you nuts Lotus!!
Plz take care of yourself-
peace,
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Thank you both for your fast reply. I have been in a very bad place (mentally and emotionally) this week and this situation is just really messing with my head.
I just reread my post and realized how much focus I am putting on HIM again (thanks for pointing that out Bernadette). Argh, I got all tangled up again!!! No wonder I'm so confused on how to act and feel... I'm still all up in his business and worrying about things he should be worrying about! I guess I got sucked back into the pattern of trying to heal my pain by controling his actions (and losing again of course)!
Wow, I really need to think about this some more... and figure out what I am really feeling underneath all that anger and resentment.
I just reread my post and realized how much focus I am putting on HIM again (thanks for pointing that out Bernadette). Argh, I got all tangled up again!!! No wonder I'm so confused on how to act and feel... I'm still all up in his business and worrying about things he should be worrying about! I guess I got sucked back into the pattern of trying to heal my pain by controling his actions (and losing again of course)!
Wow, I really need to think about this some more... and figure out what I am really feeling underneath all that anger and resentment.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I'm still all up in his business and worrying about things he should be worrying about! I guess I got sucked back into the pattern of trying to heal my pain by controling his actions
Excellent observation!! When I stay mindful of where my focus is I get better and better at maintaining my own serenity. I'm sure you've heard this before but it's a good one to keep in mind:
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action.
[COLOR="Red"]and figure out what I am really feeling underneath all that anger and resentment.
For me anger and resentment come when i stay stuck in my awareness of a problem but don;t move towards acceptance. Acceptance has always been a toughie for me. Because it just pisses me off I guess that things aren't the great way I think they should be and everyone can't just get on board with that!! Classic codie thinking.
Stay strong Lotus - Live and Let Live with him....put all those obsessive thoughts about him on a memory stick and put it away in a drawer and use that freed-up space in your brain to think about your needs, goals, dreams, problems. Hint: his drinking/recovery is definitely a problem but it's not your problem!!
peace-
b
Excellent observation!! When I stay mindful of where my focus is I get better and better at maintaining my own serenity. I'm sure you've heard this before but it's a good one to keep in mind:
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action.
[COLOR="Red"]and figure out what I am really feeling underneath all that anger and resentment.
For me anger and resentment come when i stay stuck in my awareness of a problem but don;t move towards acceptance. Acceptance has always been a toughie for me. Because it just pisses me off I guess that things aren't the great way I think they should be and everyone can't just get on board with that!! Classic codie thinking.
Stay strong Lotus - Live and Let Live with him....put all those obsessive thoughts about him on a memory stick and put it away in a drawer and use that freed-up space in your brain to think about your needs, goals, dreams, problems. Hint: his drinking/recovery is definitely a problem but it's not your problem!!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Thanks B
You are right, I'm having a very hard time with acceptance, but I will try my best to let his problems be his problems!
We are going to my in-laws tomorrow and something about their presence and their house always calms us down and lets us relax and enjoy the day (which is really what we need - I think we are both emotionally worn out).
AH came home from work last night - sober - and we talked for a little bit about how our day was. And all of a sudden I realized that during the past 2 months all I saw when I looked at him was his disease - I didn't really see him anymore, just his problem. Just thought that was really interesting. I tried to detach and let go, and for the most part I didn't obsess about how much he was drinking or when he was drinking or what happened to him while drunk (as long as it didn't affect me). BUT I was still focused on his problems, because every time I looked at him I saw alcoholism - not him! (hope what I'm writing makes sense... it's hard to explain). So, maybe if I remember that there is a person with his own feelings behind that liquor facade, maybe that will help me be more compassionate and accepting towards him (not sure I can do that when he's drinking, but I could try).
You are right, I'm having a very hard time with acceptance, but I will try my best to let his problems be his problems!
We are going to my in-laws tomorrow and something about their presence and their house always calms us down and lets us relax and enjoy the day (which is really what we need - I think we are both emotionally worn out).
AH came home from work last night - sober - and we talked for a little bit about how our day was. And all of a sudden I realized that during the past 2 months all I saw when I looked at him was his disease - I didn't really see him anymore, just his problem. Just thought that was really interesting. I tried to detach and let go, and for the most part I didn't obsess about how much he was drinking or when he was drinking or what happened to him while drunk (as long as it didn't affect me). BUT I was still focused on his problems, because every time I looked at him I saw alcoholism - not him! (hope what I'm writing makes sense... it's hard to explain). So, maybe if I remember that there is a person with his own feelings behind that liquor facade, maybe that will help me be more compassionate and accepting towards him (not sure I can do that when he's drinking, but I could try).
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