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Join Date: Aug 2009
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So, he came home last night. Let me first say he is not abusive. He is not a hard person to be around if he is not drinking. He does not yell or say mean things to the kids or me. He doesn’t yell or say mean things even when he is drinking.
I’m already a ball of anxiety. He wrote me a note. Basically - a) the kids will be devastated and traumatized forever if we don’t work this out and b) he needs to get laid because it is important to ‘our’ emotional well being. I just want to hide in a hole. A little bit of discussion followed that basically he quit drinking so I should get with the program. If I’m confused I need to read my books and go to a meeting and get that stuff sorted. He does not feel loved because a) he isn’t getting laid and b) I’m not suddenly the quintessential wife. I don’t doubt he feels unloved, which makes me sad. I admit to not exuding love. We see a marriage counselor next week and I don’t even know what to tell them. I don’t know what I should be doing right now. Fake it? Just go through the motions like I love him and maybe I will? I just want to be left alone. Forever. I am so lost.
My respite is over. He is already pressing me, needing something from me, wanting something, requesting I change this or fix that and he was only home for 6 flipp’n hours. He wants me to ‘take it one day at a time’ but it doesn’t feel that way to me. To me it feels like he wants to skip thousands of days and just live in some kind of perfect tomorrow. I think it is smart to live in today but I admit I’m still stuck in yesterday and I’m too scared to get out of bed today. I don't know what to do and I don’t trust that the floor will be there. I can’t even see tomorrow. I don’t really know what ‘take it one day at a time’ even means.
PS: Sorry if this shows up twice. I thought I posted it but then didn't see it so posted it again.
I’m already a ball of anxiety. He wrote me a note. Basically - a) the kids will be devastated and traumatized forever if we don’t work this out and b) he needs to get laid because it is important to ‘our’ emotional well being. I just want to hide in a hole. A little bit of discussion followed that basically he quit drinking so I should get with the program. If I’m confused I need to read my books and go to a meeting and get that stuff sorted. He does not feel loved because a) he isn’t getting laid and b) I’m not suddenly the quintessential wife. I don’t doubt he feels unloved, which makes me sad. I admit to not exuding love. We see a marriage counselor next week and I don’t even know what to tell them. I don’t know what I should be doing right now. Fake it? Just go through the motions like I love him and maybe I will? I just want to be left alone. Forever. I am so lost.
My respite is over. He is already pressing me, needing something from me, wanting something, requesting I change this or fix that and he was only home for 6 flipp’n hours. He wants me to ‘take it one day at a time’ but it doesn’t feel that way to me. To me it feels like he wants to skip thousands of days and just live in some kind of perfect tomorrow. I think it is smart to live in today but I admit I’m still stuck in yesterday and I’m too scared to get out of bed today. I don't know what to do and I don’t trust that the floor will be there. I can’t even see tomorrow. I don’t really know what ‘take it one day at a time’ even means.
PS: Sorry if this shows up twice. I thought I posted it but then didn't see it so posted it again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Thumper,
Did you hear a collective gasp from all of us as we read his "a" and his "b"?
I'm not completely sure of your history, but I have to say this:
God did not create you to make sure that man gets laid. That is not your divine purpose in this life.
Marriage is a sacrament of two souls joining together to form something more important, something greater, than themselves. It requires a sacrifice of ego, a willingness to accept responsibility for wrongs done and the amending of those wrongs, and a commitment to the health and emotional well-being of the other.
Marriage is not about addictive abuse. It is not about manipulation (the kids' so-called welfare) to get laid.
Your AH is still a bully, whether he throws things or curses you or not.
PLEASE: a marriage counselor will do you no good if you yourself do not have an individual counselor, so please, make THAT your priority. You cannot achieve anything in marriage counseling if each of you is not on solid ground emotionally and mentally. SEPARATE counseling is essential, otherwise you will just be spinning in the mud in the marriage therapy. Because neither of you will be whole enough to do the work.
If you are staying for the children, you hurt them by taking away all hope they might have for a happy, healthy mother.
If you are staying for you, it appears that your motivation is fear, not love.
If you are staying for him, prepare to dissolve more and more each day, as he works you to the ground.
The man is not fit for marriage. And he projects this onto YOU. He says YOU are not fit for marriage, YOU are not the perfect loving wife, YOU are the disappointment.
This is the HALLMARK addict move and don't you let him get away with it.
Instead of a marriage counselor, I'd love to see you speak with an attorney about legal separation....so you can get well and back on your feet and be able to protect yourself and your children from the addict.
Bluejay
Did you hear a collective gasp from all of us as we read his "a" and his "b"?
I'm not completely sure of your history, but I have to say this:
God did not create you to make sure that man gets laid. That is not your divine purpose in this life.
Marriage is a sacrament of two souls joining together to form something more important, something greater, than themselves. It requires a sacrifice of ego, a willingness to accept responsibility for wrongs done and the amending of those wrongs, and a commitment to the health and emotional well-being of the other.
Marriage is not about addictive abuse. It is not about manipulation (the kids' so-called welfare) to get laid.
Your AH is still a bully, whether he throws things or curses you or not.
PLEASE: a marriage counselor will do you no good if you yourself do not have an individual counselor, so please, make THAT your priority. You cannot achieve anything in marriage counseling if each of you is not on solid ground emotionally and mentally. SEPARATE counseling is essential, otherwise you will just be spinning in the mud in the marriage therapy. Because neither of you will be whole enough to do the work.
If you are staying for the children, you hurt them by taking away all hope they might have for a happy, healthy mother.
If you are staying for you, it appears that your motivation is fear, not love.
If you are staying for him, prepare to dissolve more and more each day, as he works you to the ground.
The man is not fit for marriage. And he projects this onto YOU. He says YOU are not fit for marriage, YOU are not the perfect loving wife, YOU are the disappointment.
This is the HALLMARK addict move and don't you let him get away with it.
Instead of a marriage counselor, I'd love to see you speak with an attorney about legal separation....so you can get well and back on your feet and be able to protect yourself and your children from the addict.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He wants me to ‘take it one day at a time’ but it doesn’t feel that way to me. To me it feels like he wants to skip thousands of days and just live in some kind of perfect tomorrow.
This is a very telling statement and may be what you want to share w/ your marriage counselor.
I don’t really know what ‘take it one day at a time’ even means.
One Day at A Time for me helps me get through just this one day...if I am in pain or going through something hellish I try (TRY!) to make a plan to just get me through this one day and then stick to my plan. If I project out into the future, I can end up paralyzed with fear, inaction, anger, depression, etc., and all the days start to blend into one giant miserable maw with no progression out of the fog!
A plan might include getting some small nagging bit of business finished - some phone call, appointment, letter, any little thing I have been allowing my "problem of the moment" to interfere with...I just try to get something done. And say "good for you B" when it's done.
A plan might include some healthy escape from my troubled thinking - a movie, an hour (or 7!!) in a bookstore, a long run or walk, a cup of tea out on the stoop looking at birds and trees, a visit with a real friend. Staying hydrated!!!
A plan for me, might include looking at the clock and saying - I will spend 30 minutes making a list of what my goals are, of what I really want my life to look like. And I will put it away and re-visit it in a day or so and start a second list of how to move towards even just one of my goals. Baby, baby steps, even, but how can I get what I truly want? Do I even know what I truly want??
My respite is over. He is already pressing me, needing something from me, wanting something, requesting I change this or fix that and he was only home for 6 flipp’n hours.
You have the right to say--"I need to move forward in my own space and time. Right now I am very very confused about my own emotions. I read your note, I hear what your'e saying and I need my own time and space to process it all."
Easy does it Thumper-- (((hugs)))
b
This is a very telling statement and may be what you want to share w/ your marriage counselor.
I don’t really know what ‘take it one day at a time’ even means.
One Day at A Time for me helps me get through just this one day...if I am in pain or going through something hellish I try (TRY!) to make a plan to just get me through this one day and then stick to my plan. If I project out into the future, I can end up paralyzed with fear, inaction, anger, depression, etc., and all the days start to blend into one giant miserable maw with no progression out of the fog!
A plan might include getting some small nagging bit of business finished - some phone call, appointment, letter, any little thing I have been allowing my "problem of the moment" to interfere with...I just try to get something done. And say "good for you B" when it's done.
A plan might include some healthy escape from my troubled thinking - a movie, an hour (or 7!!) in a bookstore, a long run or walk, a cup of tea out on the stoop looking at birds and trees, a visit with a real friend. Staying hydrated!!!
A plan for me, might include looking at the clock and saying - I will spend 30 minutes making a list of what my goals are, of what I really want my life to look like. And I will put it away and re-visit it in a day or so and start a second list of how to move towards even just one of my goals. Baby, baby steps, even, but how can I get what I truly want? Do I even know what I truly want??
My respite is over. He is already pressing me, needing something from me, wanting something, requesting I change this or fix that and he was only home for 6 flipp’n hours.
You have the right to say--"I need to move forward in my own space and time. Right now I am very very confused about my own emotions. I read your note, I hear what your'e saying and I need my own time and space to process it all."
Easy does it Thumper-- (((hugs)))
b
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Thumper, your inner awareness is already telling you that the things you are hearing from him are not right. Of course you feel discomfort when he SAYS he wants to take things one day at a time and then pressures you to have sex RIGHT NOW. His actions and his words are not consistent, so even if he is not drinking, he is still acting like an addict.
Do you think you will gain anything positive out of staying in the same house with this man? Will your children benefit from this strained relationship? Five years from now, if nothing changes, what will happen to you?
**************{Thumper}}}}}}}} Thinking of you.
Do you think you will gain anything positive out of staying in the same house with this man? Will your children benefit from this strained relationship? Five years from now, if nothing changes, what will happen to you?
**************{Thumper}}}}}}}} Thinking of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Bluejay: Thank you for your post. It helped - a lot. I do plan to find a counselor. I’m going to ask around to see if there is a good one recommended in this town.
Anvilhead: You always have a response for me – I really appreciate it!
Bernadett: Thank you for taking the time to elaborate on ‘one day at a time’ That makes sense. I will try to practice that. It isn’t exactly what I was thinking so I’m very happy for the clarification. Also this bit --- “You have the right to say--"I hear what you’re saying and I need my own time and space to process it all." I never allow myself any time.
Cowgirl1265: His words/actions did not seem consistent to me either. I don’t know why I don’t trust that or why I allow myself to get confused. No, it doesn’t seem like anything positive is going to come from this does it. I can not think about 5 years from now with no change, that is unacceptable. Thanks
Anvilhead: You always have a response for me – I really appreciate it!
Bernadett: Thank you for taking the time to elaborate on ‘one day at a time’ That makes sense. I will try to practice that. It isn’t exactly what I was thinking so I’m very happy for the clarification. Also this bit --- “You have the right to say--"I hear what you’re saying and I need my own time and space to process it all." I never allow myself any time.
Cowgirl1265: His words/actions did not seem consistent to me either. I don’t know why I don’t trust that or why I allow myself to get confused. No, it doesn’t seem like anything positive is going to come from this does it. I can not think about 5 years from now with no change, that is unacceptable. Thanks
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thumper.
No.
HELL NO.
I am so glad you know what you want.
Now, take action. Any action.
Move toward this goal. Nothing will happen otherwise.
No you are not.
Fake it?
Just go through the motions like I love him and maybe I will?
I just want to be left alone. Forever.
Now, take action. Any action.
Move toward this goal. Nothing will happen otherwise.
I am so lost.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
Thumper-you are definitely not alone in all of this and I have no additional wise words other than what has been posted. A counselor of mine said a long time ago that the most important thing for a child growing up is to have at least one healthy parent-so that the child sees that being an adult is something to aspire to. Remember this-just because you have this guy trying to get you off track-don't fall for it-an keep focused on your kids. They need someone to be stable and it IS you. Keep coming back here-we are rootin' for ya!!
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