What is Quacking? Can I guess?
 

Hello Everyone:

I've seen "quacking" referred to on this forum more than once. I googled the term, and nothing came up. It would appear that the term is either specific to this site, or specific to this type of community (e.g. focus on substance abuse/addiction/dependency).

Is it:

A. Verbal "chatter" devoid of authentic meaning?
B. A red herring (in the form of the above) meant to distract the non-user from recognizing the realities of the user's real situation?
C. A verbalized fantasy that the user would like to believe himself/herself?
D. A verbalized fantasy that the user would like others to believe?
E. All of the above?
F. None of the above?
G. Something else?

I'd appreciate some feedback from fellow forum members! Examples of quacking might be very useful, as well as suggestions for responses TO quacking when it does occur.

And finally about the origin of the term: Could have been taken from: "If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, acts like a duck, then it's probably a duck!"

Thanks in advance,

Electa

"Quacking" is anytime somebody blames something or somebody else for their behaviors, feelings, and addictions and deflects attention off themselves onto the the other person.

It's basically verbalized denial that frequently takes the form of an attack or attempts to move blame for ones behavior onto someone or something else

frequently preceded by:

Yeah, but
No, YOU
If only YOU/He/She would

It IS devoid of meaning because the person in question has usually said the same thing 100's of times before without actually changing anything.

Wow: It was something other than I thought! However, it makes sense.

THANKS for the info.

Electa

No, I would say it's "all of the above"

You got it, those are all forms of it

Rad: Wow! I just realized that you are knowledgeable about the flying spaghetti monster!
I hadn't seen the "pastafarian" bit before. It's great.

Electa

I agree with everything Ago said, including E. All of the above

Specifically, in codependency, we blame the alcoholic for how we feel and our life choices

in active alcoholism we blame EVERYTHING, including "you"

example:

I Drank because

to relax
it is sunny
it is raining
you were mean
you were nice
I had a bad day at work
I had a good day at work
I have the day off from work
I'm in a good mood
I'm in a bad mood
I feel bad
I feel good
I am relaxed
I am stressed
I am anxious
it's 5pm somewhere (cocktail hour)

These and every variation thereof is "quacking"

When the truth is addicts and alcoholics drink because it's what they do, if they don't have a reason, they manufacture one, those manufactured reasons are known as "quacking"

I am a double winner, and this is just my opinion, it is by no means the gospel

When I think of Quacking, what comes to mind is "If it walks like a duck and Quacks like a duck, its probably a duck."

Lots of things that our (codie alkie druggie mentally ill - insert word of choice) family members or partners say can be pretty predictable based on where they are (or aren't) in their recovery process. So I think of my mentally ill STBXH as a duck. When he says things to me that I react to, I have to process the statement to determine if there is any real value to it or if he is just being a duck. Hence the quacking.

I also think quacking is when someone has said things and acted in a totally different way. Then when they talk its a quack, their actions do not support the words... when someone has lost the trust of other people and said people no longer know when they say the truth or when they are lying. And can only say "aha" then get as far away from them as possible. For the ones that are still there.

It's very hard to tell the difference between the quacking and the "truth." You have to be very skilled (LOL) at differentiating between the two and be careful not to discount what the person inside the duck is feeling and going through. Their pain and suffering is as real as ours. After awhile (and after you've detached enough), you learn how to identify what is just drama and what is not. You learn what is denial, blame, and deflecting, and what is not. We have to also be careful not to feel sorry for them.

Some great definitions above!

I would also observe that it's sort of what the US Supreme Court once said about pornography - it's tough to define, but you know it when you see it.

In our cases, living with A's we tend to learn to "know it when we hear it".

I agree with all of the above.

"Quacking" for me was hearing him say what he knew I wanted to hear (you're right baby I can't keep living like this and I need to stop drinking). Even though he had no intentions of quitting....he was just trying to get me to shut up and leave him alone.

KV818:

Got it! I love your defination, which cuts to the core of the matter. The quack is a statement intended to soothe, deflect, encourage, etc. but is essentially an empty statement.

Examples of quacks I've heard for more than a year now from our daughter:

"I'm going back to school"
"I'm going to pursue a career"

And so forth.

Electa

E. All of the Above!!!

To me it just means the general ******** that spews from the mouth of those in active addiction.

I'll throw in too that I absolutely despise the expression. Admittedly, it's probably because I've been guilty of doing it pretty regularly in the past.

I am also starting to think my quacking involves:

I can't be happy because you aren't committed to change yet.
I can't be happy because you haven't quit yet.
I can't be happy because you didn't call when I wanted.
I can't be happy because you called me a name and disrespected me and I made you breakfast the next morning.
I can't concentrate at work because you make me worry about you so much.
I can't concentrate because you are sending me mixed messages.
I can't cencentrate on myself because I want you to acknowledge your behavior hurt me.
I can't concentrate on being happy because you haven't agreed to stop hurting me.

etc, etc, etc. . .

denial, blame and deflecting
 

Learn2Live

I really appreciate your posting this. It really made it hit home how little honest to goodness compassion I often have had. It's hard for him to tell the difference between my quacking [see above] and the "truth". He'd have to be very skilled (LOL) at differentiating between the two and it'd be easy for him to discount and dismiss what I'm feeling inside and going through. He has to be very careful not to feel sorry for me or responsible for me. Thanks for helping me try to see it from both sides.

Detachment, detachment, detachment. My new mantra.

Covington, I have said the EXACT same things over and over, to person after person after person, over the course of decades. Even after realizing "it must be me" (because I've said the same things to so many different people), I was still feeling them!

After so much self-reflection, reading, crying, working on myself, and PRACTICING new skills, it has all boiled down to three simple things:

(1) Blame
(2) Assigning responsibility for my own feelings to someone else and
(3) Assigning my self-worth to how I perceive how others treat me and why.

The older I get, the more I realize that yes, as human beings we all need other people in our lives, but we are each of us "self-contained units."

It's easy for me to see quacking in others, difficult to see it in myself

The difficulty in me seeing my own quacking is why I turn to a support group and a sponsor, what happens is I get involved with "the problem", or "the story", and the more I fight the more I lose, because I am engaging with "the problem" not "the solution"

It helps to know what the problem is, one of the most profound and helpful posts I have ever seen on this forum was by LTD awhile back, I keep a copy of it on my desktop and refer to it frequently when I begin having difficulties with others:
When I got here, although I had been around sobriety and recovery for many many years, I found myself in a codependent power struggle, it helped me immensely to learn what I was up against, the "textbook" on "her" I found here:

Physical & Emotional Abuse Discussions at DailyStrength: Worth Reading and re-posting... Once I learned these things, and once I learned and admitted I was powerless over her and her behavior, it was my responsibility whenever I re-engaged, and when I "blamed" her for "hurting me" I was just quacking, because all I was doing was repeating my behaviors.

It was explained to me, once I knew what 'the problem" was, any time I repeated my behavior it was on a lie, and the lie was to myself. Once I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and alcoholism, if I drank it would be because in some way shape or form I was lying to myself, and the same was true about engaging with "the alcoholic"

The three C's are:

I didn't cause it
I can't cure it
I can't control it

What I learned FOR ME was anytime I got angry, hurt or frustrated with "the alcoholic" in my life it was because I was trying to control them or control the situation, the outcome, no matter how much I fought, the more I lost, because control over another human being or their actions is an illusion.

Anything that came out of my mouth during my efforts to control another human being was "quacking", all my "look at she did to me" etc ad nauseum, once I admitted powerlessness was quacking.

So quacking is easy to see in others, and gives me a sense of superiority to do so, when the truth of the matter is unless I am watching for it in myself, and not others, I am getting sicker and sicker in my codependent tendencies and "disease"

This is just me, and where I am in my process, it doesn't reflect anyone else, my recovery IS a process and where I am is where I am, that applies for everyone here, part of my process was educating myself about alcoholism behaviors and it's adverse impacts on those around them, the next stage for me was learning how to protect and heal myself from those behaviors, and move the focus on me.

Soooo true! My xabf was the master of say one thing, do another. He was always saying "just trust me" -what, do I look crazy to you? After everything he lied to me about, and all the broken promises? "Just trust me." Um hmmm.