Grayson

Husband has been sober for about 32 days. I was told by others that I need to let him do his journey on his own and not ask questions about how it is going, etc... So I haven't been. Last night when he came home from group (he is in an intensive outpatient rehab center). He decided to open up a little bit. He told me that they were discussing being disconnected from the world. He told me he wasn't sure what love was and if he was capable of comittment. He has two boys...one who is 12 and he told me that if his mother called and said the son wanted to live with us, he wasn't sure he would want him to. Said he "thinks" he loves his son, but he wouldn't want the committment or responsibililty. I asked him where I fit into the picture. He told me he didn't know. I'm the one who left my job of 24 years, my family, friends, home, etc to move to him when we got married not quite a year and a half ago. I am a very gentle, caring, giving, loving person. Don't cause much drama and pretty much let him do what he wants and do things he wants to. He very rarely gives back. I love him (for some reason) more than one could know. I asked him if I should leave our home until he gets "well" and figures out what he wants. He told me he didn't think that was necessary and asked me to be patient while he figured things out. Am I supposed to just live there and continue to act as everything is normal when I have no idea if he even loves me and wants our marriage to continue? I don't know how to act, react, interact, etc.... Help please?

sapphire69

I am concerned about your statement of how you left your job, family, friends...etc to move to him. It sounds like you are blaming him for that choice you made. He is making an effort towards recovery and he is being honest with you. You asked the question and he answered and now you are punishing him for telling you the truth. No, you are not supposed to act as if everything is normal, it isn't, however you should be working on your own recovery and taking care of yourself.

catlovermi

When I had questions like this, I found it immensely helpful to attend open AA meetings and listen with an open mind. What I heard time and again from recovering AAers with significant sobriety time and healthy relationships (such as minimum 3-5 years GOOD sobriety, working the program as prescribed with honest effort) was that in all honestly, looking back on their sobriety pathway, the fog of life didn't even BEGIN to clear until at least two years into good sobriety, but if you had asked them sooner, they would have said sooner. In other words, their insight continues to improve the more years into sobriety. It takes several years for the fog to clear, for the person to begin life on life's terms, for the person to learn authentic relationship skills without the crutch of substance abuse/avoidance/denial. It's a rather long pathway, and toward the beginning everything is so confusing they don't understand many things in their own world, let alone know how to work a relationship.

Don't know what his true state is, or whether his recovery will result in long term changes or not. But it is within the general pattern that he doesn't understand a lot of life, and doesn't know how he honestly feels about people or things.

Whether this is what you want to experience long term while you wait to see what happens with his sobriety is your choice.

CLMI

laurie6781

(((((Grayson)))))

At 32 days or so of sobriety that is quite a bit of knowledge for him to have through the fog. He is being honest, he doesn't know. H*Ill, I didn't know if I was coming or going until I was almost 6 months sober. I did know that I didn't like myself very much so how in the heck could I love and/or care for and be responsible for another person (ie a child, spouse, SO, etc).

How about for now, you attend to your recovery through reading, a therapist or counselor and/or Al-Anon and take it One Day At A Time? Catlover has a great suggestion, attend some open AA meetings and just listen. You will get an idea of what a recovering alcoholic goes through in early recovery. The confusion, frustration, indecision, etc that is all a part of early recovery.

Please keep posting here, asking questions, letting us know how you are doing, etc We do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Learn2Live

Grayson, I agree wholeheartedly with Laurie. Get yourself to Al-anon to be around people who understand what you are going through. You may just find a very like-minded friend there. And, it'll get you out of the house to leave him be for a while. Going to meetings also would help your husband, as he is probably learning new skills for handling his alcoholism and to see you going to Al-Anon reinforces his participation in Recovery activities such as A.A.

I think it is wonderful what you are doing, and how patient you sound like you are being with your husband. I truly commend you. I don't think you need to worry right now whether or not he loves you. Just know that he is starting to investigate feelings after a long time of not feeling at all, right? When this happened between me and my EX, I felt truly honored that he felt safe enough to share this same thing with me.

It's OK not to know "how to" act, react, interact. He doesn't know either. Think of it that you are both trying something new and during this time you will get through it together. Remember not to take things personally. Give him time to sort through his feelings. There is no RIGHT or WRONG answer. There is no SHOULD. Let your feelings, your love, sustain you both right now.