Ilanga

First off, let me just say what an amazing and helpful forum this is! I just stumbled upon it today and it has given me more insight than I have received anywhere else. My story is typical of those on this site that have fallen in love with a drug addict. I have been dating my ex for the past year, on our first date he "casually" mentioned using cocaine in the past but made it sound like it was in the past. I'm a gym rat, terrified of drugs, and I beleived him. Eventually I found out he has only been sober for one of the past 20 years...and his ex divorced him because of his addiction. But, like many others, I got seduced by his intelligence, sense of humor and generosity. He made me a part of his family and I fell in love with him, hook, line and sinker. It didn't hurt that he was generous to a fault and spoiled me to no end. After a few months I saw the the irritability and mood swings (and hours of sleeping). But I hought there was no way he could run a law firm and be a real drug addict. Eventually he couldn't hide it from me, the arguments started, then we would break up and make up in a never ending cycle. Long story short, a few weeks ago, he disappeared for a week, eventually called, told me he'd been in rehab. I cursed him out and he said "actually I cannot be in relationship because I've been ordered to four month outpatient rehab." I checked his email (wrong I know -we have each other's passwords) and found out yes he was ordered to rehab but he has also been swapping nakes pics with a girl out of the state. she appears to be everything I'm not - and that is probaby the appeal. I cannot believe he has just dumped me and walked away without a second thought and is now seeing this girl. Per emails, they started communicating a month ago. I am posting because the pain is unbeleivable, I just want someone to tell me if this is how an addict acts? How can he just walk away? My head tells me he did me a huge favor, I know he did, but my heart feels like it's been shattered, just shattered and I want him to call me. My friends think I'm ok because none of them understand this lifestyle and figure well he was just an addict, just forget him. I can't. I imagine the fun he's having with this girl, how she is enjoying him and vice versa and the rejection is driving me crazy. Please give me some insight into how to deal with and get over this. p.s. I had my sister send him an anonymous email to change his password. I eventually got tired of looking at the new chick's skinny butt....

Cynay

Welcome.... and Im sorry your hurting.... I felt like I needed to pass this on to you. You can find the orginal post Here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Just remember .... this does not have alot to do with you personality, he needs an enabler and when you were not that person to him and the fight started.... he found another enabler.... Also ... when you have those thoughts of how great it is for them.... dont stop the tape that is running through your head at the "good" stuff... play that tape all the way through... pretty close to the same thing is going to happen to her that happened to you.... Maybe the honeymoon phase is great.... but she will end up feeling just like you do in the end.


What Addicts Do

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What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.


Quote:
What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

NewBeginning010

HI Ilanga welcome to SR ;-)

I am sorry that you are going through a tough time. You may want to copy & paste your post in the "Friends & Family" section to get a response from people that are going through all of the things that you are going through.

I hope that you find all of the answers that you are looking for.

Take Care,

NB

queenie88

hi ilanga,

welcome! you've found a great place. i haven't been at SR that long myself, but i have found SO MUCH strength and wisdom through visiting this forum, and i know you will too. i'm sorry you're going through such pain and heartache with your xbf. i know how shattered and destroyed you must feel...i am you, only a few weeks ahead. i moved thousands of miles to be with my xabf (ex alcoholic boyfriend...guess i should make that xawabf...ex alcoholic weed addict boyfriend!) only to discover the depth of his addiction when i moved in with him. i started voicing my concerns, but it seemed to do no good. he was going to drink and smoke himself into oblivion, with or without me. i'm ashamed to say that some crazy codependent behavior emerged on my part (i went through his email, lied to him about it but confessed the truth a few days later; and then one night i had a huge blow-up and accidentally broke his tv...i'm still working on forgiving myself for these things!). he decided to kick me out, then strung me along for a month and dumped me two days before he was going to be in mexico for work.

i couldn't believe the rejection. how could he turn his back on someone he said he would love forever? i've learned through SR, though, that xabf may say he loves me, and may actually have those feelings, but the addiction doesn't allow him to experience those feelings fully. in other words, as long as he's drugging, he'll never be able to love me the way i deserve to be loved. of course, knowing this doesn't help how i feel, or how much i want him to call (we've talked twice since he's been back from mexico).

my advice to you is to start reading and educating yourself on codependency...i'm currently reading women who love too much and codependent no more. also posting on SR is a great help to me.

as for this new girl...well, i've also learned that alcoholics/addicts often can't function without an enabler in their lives. you didn't agree with his addiction, so he couldn't have you in his life any more - he needs someone who is going to enable his destructive behavior. i know this because this is what xabf did to me.

this doesn't sound like fun to me...just remember what "fun" with your ex really means. is this what you want for YOUR life?

Ilanga

Thank you so much Queenie. Eventually I will get to where you are. Like they say, one day at a time. I guess that doesn't just apply to addicts..

Ilanga

Thank you! I have posted to that section..

bluejay6

Welcome, Ilanga.

Even though I have personally experienced and have seen it happen to others again and again, the stone cold heart of the addict continues to stun me. I'm sorry you were drawn in by his facade, and am so very sorry for the pain and shock you are experiencing.

There are two people inside him, and for 19 of the last 20 years, the part of him that has been operating is the Addict. Addiction is primitive, it is the lower part of the brain which drives the thinking and action of the drug addict. Whoever this man really is, I can promise you that that man is not operating right now. He has been consumed by the more powerful Addict part of his being, and it is impossible to ever be really loved, really cared for, really protected, really honored by someone driven by the lower brain. This is why he can cut you off so easily. Because he has lost conscience and humanity and feeling.

The email girl: this is part of his disease, which is predatory and pleasure-seeking and which always treats others like objects. Always. She will be temporary.

I know you fell head over heels and need to believe he loved you. I'm certain you had beautiful moments you thought were real.

And you probably did thrill and delight him. But only because you fed something selfish in him. As a drug addict, he would use you for the pleasure you gave--just as he uses the drugs--because that is what addicts do.

Your shock is that it all felt so real. And you felt so sure of his love for you. And what he has done is unimaginable to you....for you are a human being with depth of feeling and conscience. His animal nature is impossible for you to comprehend.

The pain you feel is, I think, not only from the heartbreak of losing someone you loved so much, but also the pain of contact with evil. Addiction is evil, for it is empty of all that is good. And if we have lived without knowing real evil, it is overwhelming when we are brought down by it.

For your safety, stay away from him and do not believe anything he says if he contacts you.

Bluejay

Cath

Welcome! I'm pretty new here too...but like you I was sucked into a similar situation with my ex who is an alcoholic. My ex also decided it would be a wonderful idea to start calling his ex...who enabled him for over two years...and many other girls...while we were trying to "work on things." I found out via facebook. At first I was angry, hurt, confused, and resentful. How could he do this to me when I had done so much for him? Even though its only been a month or so I can now look at it from a different perspective and hope that soon you will be able to. Try not to take it personal what he is doing. I know that is really hard to do but it has nothing to do with you. He is just trying to find someone who is willing to put up with his behavior and enable him. Now, when I really get to thinking about what my ex has done to me and all the girls he is doing God knows what with...I get upset at first but then remember that I do not need him. I don't need his lies, broken promises, and abuse. I am happier ALONE than with him.

I find myself wanting me ex to call me too, but then snap back to reality by reminding myself of all the hell he has put me through. Just remember to work on you, one day at a time, find things that make you happy and that you enjoy doing. Its going to be hard, but it can be done I'm glad you found this place...read all you can so you can find a way to understand and cope.

TakingCharge999

bluejay I cant thank you enough for all your thoughtful posts. If you dont mind I will be reading all your posts, your words are so very healing and truthful.

Ilanga when I saw your post and pic I thought wow, this woman is so beautiful and has a great smile. Don't let a loser take that great smile from you!

For addicts its all about pleasure... and I have seen a lot of this going from one person to the other. I thought my ex was sociable. Now I know he can't stand 5 minutes alone with himself. I don't know what black hole he has inside not to be able to be alone.

Everything is a distraction for them. So when he gets tired of this one he will seek someone else. Or a worse drug. They are very predictable.

You have a huge heart, take care of yourself, his actions say nothing about you and everything about him. Don't carry his stuff, its not yours.

Personally I prefer to mourn and heal than to live in a fantasy. Sooner or later the addict will hit bottom and all the hurt he has done will come back to him tenfold. That is not revenge, its just life, you feel what you have made others feel. That if he is lucky. Otherwise he will die an addict.

God/HP has protected you from lots of misery. Although it hurts its better to know a person now. I like to think God saved me from giving my future kids an alcoholic, abusive, absent father.

HUGS!

bookwyrm

I'm sorry for the situation you have found yourself in but I'm so glad you found this forum. There is so much collective wisdom, strength and experience here. It has helped me more than I can say.

Take some time to have a read through the stickied threads at the top of the forum. You will find so many similar stories, they made me cry my eyes out when I first read them. It somehow helps to know that you're not alone in this. That this didn't happen because of who you are, it happened because of the disease of addiction. Something mentioned here is the three C's: You can't control it, you didn't cause it and you certainly can't cure it!

I'd also recommend reading Melody Beattie's 'Codependent No More' - a book I think everyone who is affected by another's addiction should read!

I'm looking forward to getting to know you! :ghug3

MissFixit

Hi,

So sorry you are hurting. It is crazy isn't it? Addiction that is.

One thing that has helped me understand that I am not alone or crazy (my friends did not understand why I was hurting) is attending al anon. The meetings are anonymous and have been a source of great awareness for me. Everyone there has been where you are now and they open their arms and offer to talk with you and help you get through what you are going through with the addict.

As for him, he doesn't sound any better. He will do the SAME thing to her. Addiction is progressive. Meaning that his addiction now is worse than it was before. The fun and games will wear off again and he will be unhappy still.

Hugs

harleyd101

Welcome! As you can probably tell, you are in the right place. I just started posting a few days ago, and I find great relief here and many wise words. I am so sorry you are hurting the way you are. Addiction is just a destroyer of so many lives, and you got caught in the cross-hairs. I know that feeling of despair, I couldn't believe my ex-ABF could have moved on so quickly, and with a girl that I had been friends with for years. After that ended, I still took him back! Someday, I think I will be able to laugh about that, because today, I just want to get a T-shirt printed up that says "I SURVIVED YOU!!". This is the way my brain thinks......He left me, he replaced me, he's out having fun, she's getting dinners, trips, bike rides, love.....then, my dear friends remind me....she's getting EXACTLY what I got. As a matter of fact, it's probably worse, because addiction is progressive. So, replay that tape....she's being lied to, she's being cheated on, she's being stood up, she's getting bad, drunken sex (ya, I said it!!! LOL!!) So, now I think....I'm getting some peace, and that is priceless!!!

Please keep posting, let us know how you are doing, this place really helps. This too shall pass. Big hugs!!

Learn2Live

Yup. The worst.

queenie88

i second that!

Ilanga

Bluejay:
I too will be reading all your posts. Your writing is so insightful and on point. He himself described addiction to me as “the reptilian” part of his brain. I found it hard to reconcile that description with the man that loved his children and treated them so well (when he was sober). They live full time with their mother and I recently discovered he and his wife finally got divorced because he got physically abusive towards her. So the family has been through hell. When reading his emails with the new girl, I realized how unreal it was, he would tell her to take more pics of that area, this area…he seemed to want constant gratification from the pics. You are right, the great times we had seem so, so real to me and that is what is making letting go more difficult. But in addition to letting go, I have to figure out why I stayed in such a dysfunctional situation. That will help me immensely.

Ilanga

TakingCharge:
Thank you for the compliment and kind words. Like I told Bluejay, reading the text of the emails, there is obviously a lot of self-gratification going on. He is getting a lot of pleasure (however temporary) from this situation. More power to him I guess. He himself told me he could not bear to be alone, but I found that hard to comprehend and thought he was being flippant. Now I know he was telling the truth. Just like how he told me he spent 50k a year on the stuff…I just figured, well that was in the past, things will change now. My arrogance was breathtaking…because I had no idea of the depth of this disease. I do now.

Ilanga

[I]So, replay that tape....she's being lied to, she's being cheated on, she's being stood up, she's getting bad, drunken sex (ya, I said it!!! LOL!!) So, now I think....I'm getting some peace, and that is priceless!

HAHA! 3 minute sex (smirk)

TakingCharge999

I don't get why we think they changed. I know even when crossing a street, he did not change sides to face the traffic, which is common sense at least in my country! All, all the little things, that show you how self absorbed they are and how the love what people do for them, not the people themselves.

I got the privilege to see his life and I can tell you, your ex's if they are still drinking... well you are not missing a lot. They just love the drink, its the only thing, and its better not to waste time thinking they are suddenly perfect & George Clooney-esque that only makes us suffer and its not true.

LOL at the sex part, I recall his "issues", he felt asleep from drunkedness often!! not to mention the SNORING

Yesterday the only one snoring on my bed was my kitty

Learn2Live

HOGWASH. Blame. Denial. QUACK QUACK!

Bernadette

Welcome Ilanga!


Glad you found this place - and sorry your heart is aching right now...

Yes, yes, always play the tape all the way through, in fact try to fast forward through your rosy memories and get to the gorey stuff quickly - because there is no love and never enough good times that can conquer addiciton or addictive behavior.

Also, maybe, think about either restraining yourself 100% from ever checking his emails again- or let him know that you have the password to his emails and you suggest he change it asap. And if he has your password change it! You're just torturing yourself by reading his emails--I'm sure that's not who you want to be! It's usually best to go no contact once you're free of the addict...sad but true, if you stay in touch they will often try to drag you back into their insanity.

Do you have access to any counseling? As painful as this moment is it is also a time when you can learn a great deal about yourself, your motivations, dreams, goals, weaknesses, and habits of mind....

((((((hugs)))))))) and peace-
b