justjakethomas

So a lot has happened since my original post and I am amazed at just how many good and bad things have happened since then but regardless I thought it would be good to drop back by and thank everyone who helped give me advise on here in the past. The last year has been hell but I have finally got myself to a point where I can say I am "good" and things are getting better every day. I did eventually file for divorce due to my ex-wifes drinking and affair. It took 9 months and was hell since I had no money, no lawyer and was going against her and her parents $350 per hour attorney. By the time we had it finalized I didn't really have to give up much because it all came down to her not wanting to bring her bank statements to the table because it shows a debit card transaction 1 or twice a day everyday for $15.69. The exact amount for her fancy IPA beer and a pack of cigs. It did get very intense, I was a mess but I held my ground and in the end her drinking really put her in a trap because she would have been required to provide financial statements. Long long very interesting process but after the divorce was final I was left with no house, negative income from my business and an entire group of family and friends that blamed and hated me. I did have my kids 50% of the time though so I just stayed close to them, made sure they felt safe and eventually watched their mom drink herself to a point where just about everything blew up. About 2 months ago her parents finally saw her drinking problem and made her go to Oregon for a 30 day in-patient alcohol treatment. Since then I have had the kids full time because 4 days after she got back the kids found her passed out on the couch. I have full custody unofficially because she is not challenging me because she knows I would not have a hard time getting a judge to order it. Everyone including her very close family and our son has dis-owned her and set the boundry that they will not be helping or talking with her until she accepts her problem and truely commits getting help. The $35K and 30 days was obviously a waste of money because she wasn't ready. So weeks later she has stabalized a bit but still not accepting her problem and wants to have the kids back to the schedule that we agreed to in court (alternating weeks). She says she isn't drinking and is very committed and really needs the kids back. My 9 year old girls has been doing well considering the circumstance but she needs to spend more time with mom beyond the visits during the day that she is getting now. The latest dilema for me now is I will not let my kids stay up with her if she is drinking, I don't believe she won't drink and can't trust her obviously. She has agreed to purchase and use a daily alcohol monitor / test solution that will prove this but I haven't been able to find one that is easy and reliable enough to ensure she isn't drinking. The $200 hand held testers and saliva strips are accurate but there is no daily reporting and reliable methods for me to get the results daily. I have seen testers that can print a reciept type document and another that attaches a picture of her doing the breathe test but these are all over $1000. It is realistic that she could spend $500 on a solution for this but any more than this is not going to happen. While I am sure this isn't going to get her sober it is a good short term solution for a few differet reasons because if I can get the right testing solution it will at least pin her in a corner to where if she drinks she loses the kids. I will write more later, its getting late but once again I appreciate all they advice and support last year as I was going through a very challenging time.

naive

hi jake-

i'm not a big fan of becoming the "booze police"...alcoholics are a crafty, resourceful bunch and i doubt that would stop her.

why not supervised visitation?

i think if it was me, i would also go to court for full custody and have it ordered that her visitation is supervised.

coyote21

I agree, make the sole custody "legal" with supervised visitation. I have a 9yo girl as well and although she is furious at her mom, I know she loves and needs her. But they need to be safe first, and we as adults have to make that decision.

Mine basically doesn't have a "mom" in her life. There are women out there who will mentor you daughter. I've just tried to make sure she has some good female role models in her life.

During my own custody battle, I was out "moneyed", out "lawyered", and out "lied" and figured I couldn't possibly win custody of my little girl.

Your story reminded me of my thoughts at the time. Even if I don't get custody now, if I'm just patient axw will eff-up and I'll probably be granted custody within 6 months anyway. I'm glad it didn't come to that.

Keep taking care of your child(ren). You sound like a good man.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Oh BTW, stop worrying about what the "family and friends" think of you. They don't matter and to quote CatsPajamas, it's really none of your business any way.

JenT1968

hey there,

my daughter (2) also needs more time with her daddy (we are seperated and divorcing) he sees her once a week for 2 ish hours, supervised by me. Our son (7) sees him for the same 2 hours, plus an evening once a week for 2-3 hours unsupervised, conditional on him passing a breathalyser and or saliva alcohol test strip which I watch him take.

This works in our situation currently, because although he can (and I am sure does) drink after the breathalyser, his current pattern makes it unlikely that he will be hammered within the time he has contact.

He often pushes or pitches for overnight stays etc. I am solid that he has to prove he has 6 months of total abstinence from alcohol before we can consider this, I also offer that he can have holidays & overnight stays if he can arrange for a mutually agreed adult who accepts all responsibility for the children during that time with him. He has yet to organise that.

I would not be comfortable with leaving the children with him longer, as he has a history of passing out whilst they were in his care, passing out and leaving baths running, flooding the house, letting unsafe strangers into the house one of whom got into my sleeping son's bed.

The breathalyser for me is a short time-frame safety-net. I wouldn't want to rely on it for any longer time; he could get the kids or a mate to blow into it, or take something else that doesn't show up.

This makes me a controlling B*tch: I'm their mother, sometimes being a parent isn't comfortable or pretty, so I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks of this situation, if anyone else wants to leave their kids with him, then they are welcome to have that decision on their conscience (note: no-one, not even his own brother, does leave their kids with him). My children are too young to determine the warning signs or interpret erratic bahaviour as all about his drinking rather than internalise it as something they are doing wrong.

Your ex is 1 month out of rehab and has already relapsed in a manner that put the children at risk, but wants you to accept that now she is over all of that. Well, she can spend some time demonstrating that then can't she? My argument with ex is always "Is there anyone in this world, having exhibited the behaviour you have, that you would trust to look after our children, based on their (often broken before) word that everything is alright now?"

I really understand the dilemma, my kids need a healthy strong sober dad who can parent them and be there for them, I can't give them that, all I can do is try and support their ongoing relationship with the dad they have got, who loves them and who they love, without putting them at risk, be the best mother I can be, and foster loving relationships with the other male adults in their family who can help fill some of that hole.

justjakethomas

Thanks again for your reply, it is great to feel someone else cares and has been there before. In general I agree, she isn't going to stop drinking and at some point I may need to get full custody from the court. The alcohol monitor solution is simply a tool in the short time to allow my daughter to spend more time with her mom and help prevent all the energy and thought being used on the mystery of whether she is drinking. I fully understand the potential cheeting of the testing solution but this isn't something anyone else hasn't dealt with effectively. My expectation is that within a few weeks there will be an excuse or problem with testing and at that point I will just come pick her up and proceed with full custody. Speaking of kids, better go wake up my baby for school. Thanks again.

TeM

This is fascinating. It's basically what my AW has said to me when I confront her about her drinking. I'm just surprised that a therapist would say it.

Sometimes I get the feeling that people on the outside looking in don't always see the problem, especially family members of the Alcoholic. My AW's mother just spent a few days with us, and AW was drunk pretty much every night, but her mother hasn't said a word about it. I'm not sure she noticed, though I don't see how. I finally had to tell my own mother after she had talked to AW on the phone when AW was drunk. AW handed me the phone and my mother asked "What's wrong with her?" So, I finally told her; I saw no reason to cover it up any more. It was embarrassing and liberating at the same time.

I don't have any specific advice to give you, but I think most of the people here have a pretty good idea what you're going through, and you seem to be getting good advice from them.

Best of luck.

nodaybut2day

I sincerely hope that with the aim of obtaining full custody you are documenting the hell out of everything that's going on right now, so as to have some solid proof of her inability to parent.

kiki5711

Have an affair? You mean she cheated on you, right?

To tell you the truth, even if she gets sober, it sounds like she's not happy in the marriage for whatever reason. And it might be just the fact that she's a spoiled, selfish, self centered woman. From what you describe she doesn't sound very nice. But then we only get one half of the picture here.

If you get divorce, get it before you start making a big income or she'll clean you out. She don't sound like she's in any hurry to work for a living.

Does the guy she cheated with have money?

wanting

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have done the wait-and-see approach with DD's biological father. He would have a month of sobriety here and there, and I'd let her go over there, then inevitably he'd start using again, she'd be exposed to the atmosphere of someone using, then I'd find out and she'd not see him for a long time. I wish I had taken the approach that a PP said, where she's requiring 6 months proven sobriety before unsupervised visitation is possible. I finally wised up when she was 5 and only allowed supervised visitation until she was 6 and the CSEA caught up with him and he threatened to kidnap her and kill my husband and me. Good times. She hasn't seen him since, and that was like 5 years ago. He's still using.

His parents are just like your wife's parents. They talked a big talk about lawyers and court and all that, but then I filed a detailed affidavit in our custody case outlining every single incident that I had journaled of his addiction, abuse, and insanity, and Holy Crap, XMIL was so embarrassed that the family attorney got to read all about their dear son. The affidavit would not have been admissible in court, but it was read by the judge, the attorneys, and it would have been read by all the witnesses if they had to testify (XMIL called all her upstanding friends in the community to testify about what a great dad the X was), so everyone seeing it, and the possibility of the witnesses seeing it was enough that no one showed up for court and I won by default. (I'm a lawyer, so they shouldn't have tried to threaten me with lawyers.)

wicked

`

hehehehehehehehe i love this. they knew you were a lawyer and threatened anyway?
LOL

okay, bad lawyer joke....
whats worse than a shark that smells blood in the water?
a lawyer protecting her child!

:rotfxko

wanting

Yeah, and my dad's one too. It actually happens to me a lot that people turn ordinary disputes into, "I'm going to call my lawyer and sue you!" The person H had an affair with is one of them. Actually, she did end up suing me, and she'd always write emails to me in an attempt at legalese like, "I have ceased any and all contact with H." Really? Any *and* all? OK then. I am not impressed.

steve11694

Perhaps during the "plush years" she was drinking but hiding it. It progresses, gets worse regardless of financial circumstances. It may just be coincidental that is escalated during financial hardship. No doubt she can now use that and any other issue or non issue as an excuse to drink.

steve11694

He would only need to have enough money to buy booze.....


Alcoholism is related to promiscuity, period. Forget about wealth, charm, good looks, whatever.

After my wife developed alcoholism, she'd wake up with pack rats at some strange location, usually not even remember how she got there or what happened.

Bernadette

Hi justjake-- welcome back!

Sounds like you've made some good progress! Have you been able to get any routine recovery work going for yourself? AlAnon or therapy? Those 2 things made the biggest difference for me and got my head on straight! My dad was an alcoholic too, and I had a lot to learn about myself, my concepts of love & relationships, of what's acceptable behavior in a friend/lover and how to stand up for myself & create the life I want to live.

Peace-
B

TakingCharge999

I am with Bernadette - to bad the first therapist didn't get it .
I went to one that didn't get addiction - she helped, but then I looked for someone else and she gets it, gets Alanon, gets codependence, gets abuse, gets everything and has helped me a lot.

I even started going to group therapy sessions and have cried infront of many strangers lol. Just being able to say "yes, i hurt" is very healing.


I am glad you came back and posted. I applaud your decision to divorce and it is often baffling how others deny the problem, or minimize it, not only the alkie but friends and family. Our own experience is enough and valid. I hope this woman finds help soon as she seems to be suffering a great deal. Regardless of this, you'll be oK!!