Cath

I've been reading posts on here for about a month now and finally decided to join. I've recently broken up with my now XABF. Or as he would like to say, he broke up with me because everything is my fault in his eyes. For the past 10-11 months I have been on this horrible emotional roller coaster and always thought (like many other people) that things would change, he would change, that our love was enough to make it work. His excessive drinking started only a few months into the relationship...and at first I did drink with him. We're in college...I assumed that we were "normal" for our age and we were just having fun. It only took a few more months for his true colors to show and the verbal abuse began. He would drink and drink and drink, get emotional, irrational, mean, and verbally abusive. Somewhere in my mind I knew it wasn't right but justified it or blamed it on him being drunk and it was “ok”. Back in May, everything began to fall apart. He got drunk at a friends wedding, fought with my xbf from HIGH SCHOOL and eventually was knocked out by the guy. I then had to take him home to my family...great impression...where he continued to act like a total ass and decided this would be a good time to tell my mother all about his issues and his family problems. Needless to say, she was worried, angry, and no longer wanted him in my life. I put up with it until the middle of July after he went ballistic screaming at me and throwing things at me in front of my new roommate and two best friends. Finally, he broke up with me, once again while drunk, in the middle of Applebee's because he was mad at my roommate. Of course it only took a week for him to come crawling back sobbing and begging for forgiveness, promising change blah blah. I said no, and left for two weeks to go home to my family. He continued to call, cry, beg, harass me, etc. while I was home and when I got back from my parents, he showed up at my house, but i was out with friends. Of course this lead to several calls, texts, messages on facebook, voice mails of him telling me he NEEDS me and HAS to have me because he cant LIVE without me. Once again I told him go away, leave me alone, I am done. well that was a month ago and stupid me started talking to him about 5 days ago...somehow I got sucked into his b.s. again and decided to give him a chance...hmm only took him 3 days for him to get completely wasted at his dad's house (who I might add lives across the street from me and is also an alcoholic) and start harassing me about where I am and who I am with. Well, I ignored him and the next day emailed him and said "do not call me.text me.message me.talk to my friends.show up at my house. i am done with you and i am done allowing you to hurt me. i refuse to let this continue." etc. so far I've been left alone.

I am reading Codependent No More, and attempting to work on me, make myself happy, enjoy my life, friends, family, school,etc. I try not to think about him and worry about him but its hard. It makes it ten times harder that his family lives across the street from me and his dad talked to me yesterday and :::Shocker::: blamed everything on who else but me! He is just like my AXBF. Then today his step mom…who I consider a friend because I knew her well before I dated my ex…is hysterical because my ex’s father was in (another) drunken rage last night. Its hard for me to detach from her because I feel like we can sympathize with each other. That is probably not good for me because I stay wrapped up in the drama. This whole situation would be much easier if his family was not across the street. It is very hard to ignore them, and my ex. He likes to sit around in the garage so he can watch what I am doing. It drives me nuts. I don’t even want to come home when I know he is going to be over there. Once again, I shouldn’t even care because this is my home and I shouldn’t let him control my emotions.

I’m sorry this is so long…just had to get it all out. I am trying desperately to focus on myself, and I am in therapy and have been. I have been thinking about Al-Anon meetings. I just have so much hurt, anger, resentment and sadness still and just want it to go away. I know that will only happen with time, but its just so hard at first.

Thanks for listening.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Cath!

I'm sorry you have so much drama in your life from your relationship with an active alcoholic. You are doing great in recognizing the situation this soon! You saw the warning signs and took actions to protect yourself.

It's great that you have found "Codependent No More" and have a therapist.
Alanon may help you with face to face meetings with others that have been where you are. And SR is a great resource too!

Pull up a keyboard and make yourself at home!

peaceteach

I think you sound like a very intelligent girl who knows what is best for all involved. Try to not beat yourself up too much or feel guilty about anything. Life is way to short for you to let a negative feeling guide your decision making. Life decisions should be made with a happy heart, with confidence and assuredness that you are doing a good thing, the right thing. I'll bet yours is telling you just that. Breaking away from someone's elses negative drama is RIGHT for you. Good job!

ItsmeAlice

Welcome!

For some folks it takes a few tries of separating from an alcoholic and their drama and then letting them back in their lives for them to see and really feel the difference in their lives from when the alcoholic is there and when they're not.

It sounds to me like you have made the choice that life is still better separated from him even with his family across the street. You can certainly document his behavior if you have concerns his 'watching' will turn to all out stalking of you. I just caution that you don't become the watcher of him in the process.

You are on the right track with reaching out here, in therapy, and possibly Al-Anon. You have supportive friends and family around you. You are educating yourself on healing from an addict/codependent relationship. These are positive and healthy things that will make the unhealthy relationship you had with him lose it's power over time.

It does help to get those thoughts out and express your feelings, especially here where so many have or are now going through the very same emotions, fears, and thoughts that you are.

Keep posting! We're glad to have you here.

Alice

TakingCharge999

Wear dark glasses and an iPod with your favorite songs. I learned this "evasion technique" from the very best..........

I work with an ex, who is similar to yours, he is my neighbor and has a live in gf, I always run into them together, in his car, walking to and from the job, in the office.. this December most probably in company events...... small town with lots of places that remind me of the good and the bad times....

Its been one year for me and I agree the constant wound reopening SUCKS but its possible to feel better!! Regardless of any logistics, your well being does not depend on ANYTHING on the outside.

You can do this

Chrysalis123

Hi Cath, welcome. Wow, your friend sounds full of drama and BS. I am amazed at you though. You are recognizing so early in your life a really unhealthy dynamic. I was you 25 years ago, and I was unable to see reality for a LONG time. Please keep helping yourself, educating yourself, and reaching out for emotionally healthy friends and support.

You have been given a great gift, painful yes, but learn and move on to a healthy and enriched life. You go girl!

Cath

Thank you for all of your responses It really does help to talk to other people who understand. Hopefully tomorrow will be better than today and I won't have too much drama! I'm really glad I found this site.

steve11694

Stay focused on your education as it will take you where you want to go. Exposure to alcoholism will take you nowhere and can easily damage your studies.

harleyd101

Hello and Welcome! I just recently joined after lurking in the shadows (for a year) and I actually went to my first Al-anon meeting last night. I just wanted to share something with you that maybe you can relate too. Last May I was accepted into an accelerated nursing program ( a 15 month RN program) and 7 days after I started, my ex-ABF relapsed after 4 months of soberiety. After that it was about every 2-3 weeks of sobriety, then a relapse. Things went on like this until April of this year. He went out and stayed out for four months. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and.....I left school. I should have graduated on August 21. I left school, put my whole life on hold, and when I got to the point that I couldn't concentrate at the hospital (he was texting and calling) I jeopordized my patient's care. At this point, I made the decision to leave. I am returning tomorrow. He is drinking (again) after a month of staying sober. I have to go on. I put my life on hold, and school took a back seat. No, I took a back seat in my own life. I worked for three years to get a spot in that program. It took a GPA of 4.0 to get that seat, and I threw it out the window. My point is this..continue your education, don't stop for anyone, and keep climbing and reaching for success, YOUR success, because if you don't, you will regret it the rest of your life. I learned the hard way, and fortunately, I was able to start again, right where I left off. I realized I let myself down (again) and sacrificed everything for a man that doesn't care. Please take care of yourself, keep posting, and read anything you can get your hands on about alcoholism. You are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. God bless and big hugs!!

Cath

Thank you for sharing Harley! And everyone else...it's nice to get some support since I feel like I don't really have anyone here who understands...and most of my closest friends live in other states so I've been pretty lonely. I do feel good knowing that I can focus on school now and do what I need to do for me considering this semester is going to be extremely busy and I will be graduating in May.

I'm glad I got on here today because I had a pretty bad morning. I spent the first two hours of my day crying my eye balls out while trying to do homework and clean my house. I'm still not used to be alone most of the time or not getting a phone call in the morning from him...I kinda start to feel pathetic sometimes but I guess I'm still grieving this. Its not helping that his family is constantly trying to stay in contact with me. Finally once I got going today and made it to class and all that I felt fine...then I sign on tonight and his mom IMs me asking me if I have spoken to him or anything. Of course he isn't speaking to her either because she told him that shes not interesting in helping him out anymore...financially or emotionally or anything...until he gets help and stops drinking. He of course continues to spend as much time as possible with his alcoholic father...who I want to scream at most of the time since he tries to talk to me and explain to me how this is my fault, how i should just accept my ex for who he is and stop trying to change him and that his drinking really isn't a big deal...well of course he would say that since they are drinking buddies. :wtf2 Really, its disgusts me at this point. I get even more frustrated when I wake up every morning and just feel this overwhelming sadness...I get frustrated because of course the only thing he said to me after I told him to get out of my life was "ok" . I know I can't look to him for closure or validation but its still frustrating and confusing.

Once again, just venting. I feel like I am being repetitive since so many of us are dealing with similar situations! Thanks for all your support

Cath

ah so glad someone gets this part...even though I'm sorry you have to deal with that!! Yeah I have my roommate constantly on the lookout when I know he might be there...or she lets me know if hes there and im not when I am coming home...Its kinda sad really...Now I am just going to ignore him when he's over there...and try really hard not to get anxious about it because I live here, so I shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable coming home!!

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... Im happy to get to know you even though you have had to go through alot to get here.

Unfortunally it took me much more work then time to make those feelings go away... cuz I would date the same man over and over and over and the pain just kept getting deeper and deeper .... it took hitting my bottom, theraphy, al-anon, CoDA and alot of work to get to the root of my issues, and then weed them out ..... today Im so glad I did ... also I wish I had the insight you seem to have at your age... would have saved alot of time.

I look forward to getting to know you....

Jadmack25

Dear Cath, what a horrible time you have had and are still coping with. You are doing so well to handle the situation as it is now, but how hard it must be with your XAB and his family living so close. I do feel such sadness for that extra burden, that you don't need. As for his dad telling you to accept abf as he is, that really is interference in your life and out of order. Can I suggest if dad tries that idea again, you quietly tell him something along the lines of: "I do accept abf as he is, but that is something I do not want or need in my life. I do not wish to have any relationship or contact with him, that is my decision, please respect it.

I hope he will tire of watching you and that you can concentrate on finishing college and begin the new and exciting chapter in your life.

God bless