My Own Tug or War
 

AH and I have been seperated for only 6 days now.....and here is my problem. When he is not here I feel this loss, like I want him to come back and then when he and I talk in person....it is another thing. I know that I can not continue with this relationship unless there are major changes and I know that isn't going to happen overnight....but this pull back and forth is killing me. He is verbally abusive often, and is in my opinion mean to me, I don't like my children see that, and then of course there is the drinking, so what IS my problem. I suppose guilt from my beliefs in what marriage is and should be...this is my second marriage, and the idea of divorcing again makes me feel horrible. What is my problem - I am a happy person, and really want to find that "me" again!

IMHO your feelings are totally natural. I've been through a divorce-I know how it feels. It's the worst thing, next to the death of a loved one, you could ever experience. I don't blame you for not wanting to go through it again. But remember how you came out the other side of the first one...you can do it again. Divorce doesn't mean failure. It just means you learned some relationship lessons.

Boy do I know the whole "I cannot stay in this relationship unless there are major changes" -the only one who made major changes was me, and not for the better. I became a mess-which is what a relationship with an alcoholic tends to do.

It sounds as if you are experiencing sadness.

We live in a country that expects people to just get it together quickly and logically and avoid the emptiness, sadness, and loneliness that endings bring. In pop psychology culture, we are expected to have the "tools" to get our lives right back on track.

No one is allowed to descend into the darkness for very long. To withdraw. Or mourn. Or feel lost.

I think you are okay and need to be sad. Please don't try to force a happiness you cannot feel. That won't help you. But a prayer for help to get you to the other side of this eventually couldn't hurt. xx

Take good care,
Bluejay

mentallyexh--I have filed for a divorce--and it is my 2nd divorce. The thing is I married an alcoholic the first time and then I married an alcoholic the 2nd time. While married the 2nd time I started to get healthy AND I did not want my kids to have to live with someone who was erratic and unpredictable. By the time I filed I was very ready for the marriage to be over and AH was not even close to being ready to getting his sh** together.

The amazing thing--it has been about 3 weeks since I filed and there has been this outpouring of relief from so many people. People at work are happy the kids and I are safe. The neighbors said they are keeping me in their thoughts and prayers. People have told me I am a great mom and they are happy I decided to live my life with my children and not let AH wreck our lives. I am the jilted one, not AH. The love of his life is alcohol and drugs and I am not remotely interested in competing anymore. He can have it. People have been coming out of the woodwork telling me things I never knew about STBXAH and his alcohol/drug use. I was floored. I thought it was pretty bad and I found out it was much worse than I thought.

Even if this was your 9th divorce think about why you want to divorce--not the number. Sometimes when we are our co-dependent selves we need to get better in order to get away. Work on yourself and you may find you like you without the alcoholic. Go back to being that happy person that you know and love.

Quote by mentallyexh ((He is verbally abusive often, and is in my opinion mean to me, I don't like my children see that, and then of course there is the drinking, so what IS my problem. I suppose guilt from my beliefs in what marriage is and should be.))

No-one likes to feel like a loser, specially in relationships. I know I felt terrible.
Marriage is a commitment and CONTRACT, not just a few fuzzy words spoken.

You meant your vows, but unless your AH actually promised "to lie, abuse, insult, and treat you with disrespect ", I assume he made the same vows that you did.

You have honoured your side of that marriage contract, which he has constantly broken.

The only way to stop your kids seeing and hearing abuse and bad behavior is by stopping it happening at all. Either he does a real about turn in his behavior, or you separate.

He doesn't seem like he is going to change in any way for the better, not for a long time anyway, so it will be up to you to take action to protect the children from his behavior.

God bless