Morning Glory's "Hooks that Keep You"
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Morning Glory's "Hooks that Keep You"
This is a note of thanks to Morning Glory and her wonderfully instructive explanation of the hooks which keep us linked to our significant others in ways that are destructive of ourselves and them both. I found this posting while wandering around the website, and it's a real GEM. I thanked Morning Glory in a thread to that posting, but want to offer my thanks as a new posting, as well:
Each of the ten "hooks" are so full of meaning that I found myself carefully reading each of them, considering how the information applied to me personally.
I especially liked the one line, which resonated resoundingly with me "No one is helpless without having learned the advantages of being helpless". OH, MY, GOSH! How true that is! And HOW I have been manipulated by this one. I can't believe I haven't seen through THAT manipulation.
Just a few reflections: We parents are particularly vulnerable to these hooks, because, when our children were young, and unable to make wise decisions for themselves, we had a moral obligation to help them, to instruct them, and to raise them in ways that allowed them to reach healthy adulthood where they could be confident, functional individuals with the skills and attitudes they needed to be successful in this world.
When that doesn't happen, parents are uniquely vulnerable to thoughts that they somehow failed their child. They become wracked by remorse, by guilt, and by feelings of inadequacy. Then there are the opposing feelings they are whip-sawed by, which are feelings of resentment toward their child, and the world, for what seems to be cosmic injustice. If they truly feel they did their best to raise their child in a wholesome, healthy way, (and most parents do) then there is the aching sense that their child betrayed them. That's when the bible saying "sharper than a serpeant's tooth is the ungrateful child" comes to mind. Parents have obviously suffered in the ways that we do, down through the centuries!
When a parent subscribes to the belief that they did not spend enough time/ energy/resources on their child or give that child sufficient love and approval and recognition (on observing that their adult child has not achieved social and emotional maturity beyond the age of majority) they are vulnerable to their child's demands for "more" whether that is more time, more sympathy, more support, more instruction, and on and on and on.
My own daughter once told me, when she was a pre-adolescent, that she "didn't want to grow up". At the time, I was flattered that she was enjoying her childhood so much she couldn't see wanting to leave childhood behind. I reassured her that when she grew older, she'd be happy to be a grown-up, and not to worry.
Unfortunately, while our daughter did indeed grow up (she is now aged 27) she has managed to remain a child, emotionally. For years both her father and I have continued to offer our counsel, our guidance, and even, until a couple of years ago, our money. All that we gave went nowhere. She has spiraled down to her current state, where is supported by/lives with an older friend, has no career goals, no ambitions and only a part-time, rather menial job, despite her college degree.
We have come to the point now that we recognize we must disengage from our daughter, and are doing so. Just a week ago she got a much needed observation from me that her father and I are "attending to what she is DOING, NOT what she is SAYING". This meaningful bit of advice came straight from this forum!
I have learned so much from the Sober Recovery Forums since I joined a couple of weeks ago. I am SO grateful for the support I've gotten, even those slaps across the face (figurative) that were delivered gently, but firmly, by respondents to some of my earlier posts, to help me see the errors of my thinking.
And to Morning Glory specifically, I want to say Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. Your carefully developed essay on "Hooks" (why, this one essay could constitute the curriculum for an entire educational course) is helping me grow as a person, giving me permission to take back my own life, to not feel guilty about the daughter I raised, to focus on my own life, and feel good about myself.
Electa
Each of the ten "hooks" are so full of meaning that I found myself carefully reading each of them, considering how the information applied to me personally.
I especially liked the one line, which resonated resoundingly with me "No one is helpless without having learned the advantages of being helpless". OH, MY, GOSH! How true that is! And HOW I have been manipulated by this one. I can't believe I haven't seen through THAT manipulation.
Just a few reflections: We parents are particularly vulnerable to these hooks, because, when our children were young, and unable to make wise decisions for themselves, we had a moral obligation to help them, to instruct them, and to raise them in ways that allowed them to reach healthy adulthood where they could be confident, functional individuals with the skills and attitudes they needed to be successful in this world.
When that doesn't happen, parents are uniquely vulnerable to thoughts that they somehow failed their child. They become wracked by remorse, by guilt, and by feelings of inadequacy. Then there are the opposing feelings they are whip-sawed by, which are feelings of resentment toward their child, and the world, for what seems to be cosmic injustice. If they truly feel they did their best to raise their child in a wholesome, healthy way, (and most parents do) then there is the aching sense that their child betrayed them. That's when the bible saying "sharper than a serpeant's tooth is the ungrateful child" comes to mind. Parents have obviously suffered in the ways that we do, down through the centuries!
When a parent subscribes to the belief that they did not spend enough time/ energy/resources on their child or give that child sufficient love and approval and recognition (on observing that their adult child has not achieved social and emotional maturity beyond the age of majority) they are vulnerable to their child's demands for "more" whether that is more time, more sympathy, more support, more instruction, and on and on and on.
My own daughter once told me, when she was a pre-adolescent, that she "didn't want to grow up". At the time, I was flattered that she was enjoying her childhood so much she couldn't see wanting to leave childhood behind. I reassured her that when she grew older, she'd be happy to be a grown-up, and not to worry.
Unfortunately, while our daughter did indeed grow up (she is now aged 27) she has managed to remain a child, emotionally. For years both her father and I have continued to offer our counsel, our guidance, and even, until a couple of years ago, our money. All that we gave went nowhere. She has spiraled down to her current state, where is supported by/lives with an older friend, has no career goals, no ambitions and only a part-time, rather menial job, despite her college degree.
We have come to the point now that we recognize we must disengage from our daughter, and are doing so. Just a week ago she got a much needed observation from me that her father and I are "attending to what she is DOING, NOT what she is SAYING". This meaningful bit of advice came straight from this forum!
I have learned so much from the Sober Recovery Forums since I joined a couple of weeks ago. I am SO grateful for the support I've gotten, even those slaps across the face (figurative) that were delivered gently, but firmly, by respondents to some of my earlier posts, to help me see the errors of my thinking.
And to Morning Glory specifically, I want to say Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. Your carefully developed essay on "Hooks" (why, this one essay could constitute the curriculum for an entire educational course) is helping me grow as a person, giving me permission to take back my own life, to not feel guilty about the daughter I raised, to focus on my own life, and feel good about myself.
Electa
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Electa, my heart goes out to you. Disengaging from an alcoholic/addicted loved one is probably one of the hardest things you can do and requires SO much strength, and sometimes (in my case, anyway) constant self-reminders that you're ultimately doing the right thing.
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Thank you for the thank you Electra. I just want you to know I didn't write the article. I found it on coping.org, which merged with another site so I can't find the link now.
The article was written by James J. Messina, Ph.D.
http://www.jamesjmessina.com/home.html
Lots of prayers for you and your daughter. It's not an easy road for sure.
The article was written by James J. Messina, Ph.D.
http://www.jamesjmessina.com/home.html
Lots of prayers for you and your daughter. It's not an easy road for sure.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Morning Glory:
I guess I missed your reference to another author. I'll revise my thanks to say thank you for sharing this gentleman's writings, which are so helpful.
I myself have been hooked mostly by #5. I can see my daughter using this hook with me and her father as well as with others in her life. I also have struggled with guilt, (whichever number that one is assigned to) as I have thought I must not have done a good job as a parent if she attained her majority with the helplessness and neediness which seems to be her primary tool now for relating to people. What is so good about the hooks that are presented is that along with each hook, the reader is given counter-arguments as replacement thoughts and attitudes, like an antidote to poisonous thinking.
Because my own mother smothered me and did not allow me to become independent as long as I lived under her roof, I was determined not to cripple my daughter with excessive dependency needs. I really made an effort to raise her to think and to be independent. But, I guess I was kidding myself. Whatever I tried to do, did not work. As an adult, she is behaving in ways, and interacting with others in ways, that make both her father and I heartsick.
However, it is HER life, and it is SHE who has to suffer the consequences. My husband and I have many good things in our lives, such as a solid, happy marriage, good friends, and the financial resources to live well. We are focusing on what sustains us as individuals and makes us happy. We are not happy PARENTS, but we are happy PEOPLE. And that is an important distinction.
I'm sure glad you are on this forum and are sharing such helpful information with folks like myself, who are hungry for information we can use to rid ourselves of the dysfunctional dynamics that have tormented us.
Electa
I guess I missed your reference to another author. I'll revise my thanks to say thank you for sharing this gentleman's writings, which are so helpful.
I myself have been hooked mostly by #5. I can see my daughter using this hook with me and her father as well as with others in her life. I also have struggled with guilt, (whichever number that one is assigned to) as I have thought I must not have done a good job as a parent if she attained her majority with the helplessness and neediness which seems to be her primary tool now for relating to people. What is so good about the hooks that are presented is that along with each hook, the reader is given counter-arguments as replacement thoughts and attitudes, like an antidote to poisonous thinking.
Because my own mother smothered me and did not allow me to become independent as long as I lived under her roof, I was determined not to cripple my daughter with excessive dependency needs. I really made an effort to raise her to think and to be independent. But, I guess I was kidding myself. Whatever I tried to do, did not work. As an adult, she is behaving in ways, and interacting with others in ways, that make both her father and I heartsick.
However, it is HER life, and it is SHE who has to suffer the consequences. My husband and I have many good things in our lives, such as a solid, happy marriage, good friends, and the financial resources to live well. We are focusing on what sustains us as individuals and makes us happy. We are not happy PARENTS, but we are happy PEOPLE. And that is an important distinction.
I'm sure glad you are on this forum and are sharing such helpful information with folks like myself, who are hungry for information we can use to rid ourselves of the dysfunctional dynamics that have tormented us.
Electa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Sandrawg: Yes it is very hard. There is no getting around the fact that disengagement is painful. I am learning to draw the distinction between my "parent" self and my "individual" self. While I am not happy as a parent, I AM happy as a wife, a sister, and a daughter. So I will focus on those things. As I am learning, it is of no use, and is in fact a type of self-flagellation of the soul, to dwell on life's disappointments over which one has no control.
I appreciate your sympathy and empathy.
Electa
I appreciate your sympathy and empathy.
Electa
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