Back at Square One

Old 08-28-2009, 09:53 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Back at Square One

Dear all

I wondered if I could seek your views on this. When I met my xabf he did wonders for my self esteem and his kind words probably helped actually save me from myself. I fell for him very quickly, without realising his problem. (This I now realise can be the trait of narcissism in him). Anyway, although we had our problems over three years we rarely argued and really did click. I loved him and while I think he was rebounding at first I know (as much as is possible within an abf) he loved me.

A year into our relationship he wanted to move in. But he wasn't working and I refused until he was. Actually he didn't work throughout the three years, plus he didn't work for about 10 months before we got together - so, in all, four years he's not been working.

He has had a few 'rock bottoms' in the time I've known him. The first 18 months we were together his family would have nothing to do with him, he was homeless, he wasn't seeing his children as his ex wouldn't let him.

Then earlier this year he went to prison for six weeks.

After his release his family rallied back round. I had only previously met his mother. Upon his release he introduced me to his dad, stepmother and very young brother, his other brother and his wife and child, their grandmother, and most importantly his two children. As I've posted before his ex was very much against this but his reaction was 'I've been with her for three years, we're together, I love her, we want the children to be part of our lives'. At Christmas he told me we would be living together by this Christmas, to which my reply was 'Yes, as long as you're working'.

Those of you who have read my posts will know he finished with me out of the blue just six weeks after introducing me to his children. We'd had an excellent time in the weeks beforehand, the days beforehand, even on the very last night we spent together.

Throughout our time together he said one of the things he loved about me was the fact I'd not had children and was not divorce - no baggage. Then he left me for a young mother-of-four who has just come out of a divorce. He moved in with her. I gather they had a few problems, just six weeks into the relationship, but, as far as I know they're still together.

Today I find out he's working! I am the one who was his emotional crutch for three years. 'I sometimes think you were sent to me.' 'I don't think I'd still be here if it wasn't for you', etc for three years. And now he has a job - just weeks after kicking me out of his life in the cruellest of ways and with no forewarning.

It probably doesn't sound like I am happy for him. But I am. I still love him and want to see him happy (he claims he's never been happy). But at the same time we went through the mill together and I had the worst of him. Now I feel like this woman, or any other woman, will get the best side of him, when I still feel he's my soulmate. When he broke up with me he gave me a thousand reasons but he also gave me no real reason. When giving me the thousand reasons he said he still loved me and was in love with me, but he felt like he'd softened too much and needed to harden up and stand on his own two feet without me to pick him up.

If he is getting sorted, will he even think about what I tried to do for him? Will he now hate me and blame me for everything? I want to contact him to say I'm happy for him but at the same time I don't want to break no contact. I now hope he will ring me, but is he even likely to?

sclarke64448 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 10:05 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
I should probably add that the day he broke up with me, he then took it back and asked for time and space. He did contact me a few times in the couple of weeks after that but I've heard nothing since mid-June. So as far as he left it, we were giving each other time and space. It was his mother who texted me on July 1st saying he'd told her he'd finished with me. Does this mean anything?
sclarke64448 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 10:12 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by sclarke64448 View Post
If he is getting sorted, will he even think about what I tried to do for him? Will he now hate me and blame me for everything? I want to contact him to say I'm happy for him but at the same time I don't want to break no contact. I now hope he will ring me, but is he even likely to?
What are you doing for yourself, hon? Can you get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? Have you found any Alanon meetings in your area. How about counseling with someone who's trained in addiction/alcoholism and the resulting issues?

I can not, absolutely must not, base my reality on someone else. Validation from someone else is a temporary fix at best.

Happiness is an inside job. Happiness does not depend on him validating that you played a significant role in his life. Expecting that only sets you up for more pain and disappointment.

I encourage you to reach out to the resources I have mentioned so that you can start healing and stop obsessing on what he is/isn't doing.

:ghug2 :ghug2

Edited bekuz eye kant spell
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 11:56 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
The hardest thing for me to admit to myself was I was codependant and addicted to another person and their drama. Part of my recovery is staying as far away from the flame as possible (my A XBF) and continuously working on trying to get better and not get pulled back into the drama. My A XBF is toxic to me. He and I together were such a toxic mixiture of addictoin and codepedance that we drug each other down in the guttter. I decided that I no longer liked living down in the gutter and climbed out. I choose now to not allow anyone into my life that is in active addiction. I choose now not to allow anyone in my life that does not treat me with the respect that I deserve as a human being. I choose now not to allow anyone in my life who is a hot mess of drama and insanity. I choose now to live the healthiest, happiest, wealthiest life I can create for myself and if someone even thinks about messing on my side of the street I now kick their behinds right back across that street! Do you really want your A XBF back.....as he is in this very minute, NOT the image that you now have of him in your mind since you found out he has a job? I'd put $5 on the table that he has a job so that he can continue to feed his addiciton. It cost money to buy the booze you know! Freedom turned me on to a saying that Dr Phil has.... the best predictor of the future is the past. Do you want your future to look like your past? I hope that you can find a way to try to focus on taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you to heal. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.
CNMC2C is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 12:05 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
No one can ever really pull up a sinking person to their level, but a sinking person certainly can drag you down to theirs.

Originally Posted by CNMC2C View Post
The hardest thing for me to admit to myself was I was codependant and addicted to another person and their drama. Part of my recovery is staying as far away from the flame as possible (my A XBF) and continuously working on trying to get better and not get pulled back into the drama. My A XBF is toxic to me. He and I together were such a toxic mixiture of addictoin and codepedance that we drug each other down in the guttter. I decided that I no longer liked living down in the gutter and climbed out. I choose now to not allow anyone into my life that is in active addiction. I choose now not to allow anyone in my life that does not treat me with the respect that I deserve as a human being. I choose now not to allow anyone in my life who is a hot mess of drama and insanity. I choose now to live the healthiest, happiest, wealthiest life I can create for myself and if someone even thinks about messing on my side of the street I now kick their behinds right back across that street! Do you really want your A XBF back.....as he is in this very minute, NOT the image that you now have of him in your mind since you found out he has a job? I'd put $5 on the table that he has a job so that he can continue to feed his addiciton. It cost money to buy the booze you know! Freedom turned me on to a saying that Dr Phil has.... the best predictor of the future is the past. Do you want your future to look like your past? I hope that you can find a way to try to focus on taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you to heal. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.
sandrawg is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 02:13 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Arrow

sclarke:

:sorry you are going through this

it is a lie others will get the "good" him

he did not instantaneously turned into this great person just because he was able to get a job!

he did not instantaneously turned into this great person just because you are not there seeing his continued drinking, abuse and manipulation.

i agree with the above poster, if anything, a job allows you to buy more expensive bottles and drugs.

nothing has changed, dear sclarke.

i went on for months thinking ex was now this great person i knew and torturing myself thinking another woman was enjoying him.

i suffered a lot and it is a lie.

of course he is going to appear nice, smiley, etc., i do not think he would be very appealing saying 'hi, im a jobless guy in early/middle/end stage alcoholism, on the rebound, need sex and attention, care to give me some"

nothing has changed. he is still the same person capable of doing all the things that hurt you before. and more.

the hurt you have felt for him is nothing compared to what he can do. physical abuse, permanent physical damage, if you've had kids, causing accidents in the road. death. you got to trust God/HP on this one.

what he has done, does and will do has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

i hope you stop carrying stuff that is not yours. i hope you yourself have reached your own bottom and realize life was not given to you to live in pain for a problem that is not even yours.

lately i have reached the conclusion, if a person doesnt mind ruining his life, who am i to think he is worth more the life he chooses for himself?

having a job does not mean sobriety much less recovery.

if they dont care at all about themselves and their fate... why should we care?

if they want to die a slow horrible death, so be it... :wtf2, HTF does it affect ME? just as they have no problem finding whatever they need, we dont need them either (unless we are looking for pain)

if they keep drinking and that is the life they wish and fulfills them.. .by all means get someone else to absorb all the pain for you, not me anymore.

who am i to "force" someone to be healthy, it just dawned on me how ridiculous it is to try to save someone from himself. going with someone else right away, what does that tell you about how ready your ex is to spend 5 minutes with himself and actually learn something? he did not find a girlfriend but an enabler.

this was said before: alcoholics dont have partners, they have hostages.

i am not god and ex is not my puppet. i dont control alcoholism or anyone else....

we were made for so much more than this sick, self-inflicted slavery and torture.

sorry, i went a little bit overboard........ just throwing my ideas without much structure.

PM me if you wish, I am not very wise but I am a good listener.

HUGS!

Last edited by TakingCharge999; 08-28-2009 at 02:41 PM.
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 02:25 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
"No one can ever really pull up a sinking person to their level, but a sinking person certainly can drag you down to theirs."
-Sandra

No doubt...Word.
MissFixit is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 02:47 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Dear all

Wow! Thank you all so much. I really felt I'd made progress in the last few weeks - I still think about him all the time as I still love him, but I was starting to let go. It's just I have it in my head he's stopped drinking. As he would drink EVERY day (WITHOUT FAIL!) from the time he woke up, slowly, to near enough when he went to bed. If he hadn't had a drink for a few hours he would shake. He literally couldn't function. So I was wondering if he was on medication. As for feeding the addiction, he never felt anything about shoplifting cans or a couple of bottles. That's why seeing him sober in jail and receiving the letters he wrote me in that time were so special to me. (Though somebody on here did say jail placed him in an unrealistic place - I hadn't thought of it like that!) Freedom - thank you again - I believe you were the first ever person to reach out to me on this website and here you are again in my hour of need. And I did invest (as you first suggested) in Co-dependent no more. I have started to read it but I spend so much time on this website - in some ways I find it as if not more helpful, so I haven't actually yet finished the book!!

Anvilhead I've read a few of your posts in various threads started by various SRers. I have the utmost respect for you. Someone like me appreciates the softly, softly approach. But you never seem to give that - you tell it like it is, and sometimes people like me need that! So thank you too.

Sandra you are absolutely right. I am now left with debt because of how I tried to help him out. On the day he broke up with me in June he said I would get every penny back. I'm awaiting that first call to settle some money!

CNMC2C - The best predictor of the future is the past! Powerful words - so true! It isn't very often a leopard changes its spots is it. And the past is not good. Though going back to the past with his ex she never had to work in the 10 years they were together as he held down two jobs to support her and the two children. But to the recent past (with me) it's going to be hard to kick the bottle just like that isn't it, when you've drunk EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail for four years. I need to remind myself of your words the next time I stress about 'why not for me?' TC999 - welcome back - another one of the first person on this site to welcome me and I always have the utmost respect for your comments and opinions. Look how carried away I'm getting - that I think those two are going to whisk off together in the sunset and live happily ever after. A guy who couldn't give up for his own two children, his ex of 10 years, his ex of three years (me) and I think he's going to give up for some woman he's been seeing for two months!

Miss Fixit thanks for highlighting that snippet again - as I said in some ways he has dragged me down - financially and now emotionally :-(

Thank you everyone. I honestly feel some time I'm losing my mind. I am going to AA and Al Anon which is helping greatly but I still lose perspective of the situation. I just thought we would always work it out, you know? In the three years we were together he told me all the time I was beautiful, he was so lucky, he didn't deserve me, etc. I guess I just wonder where that guy has gone and why he now seems to hate me so much.
sclarke64448 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 03:12 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Wink

Ugh ex also has the shakes already. He is 27.

Well I tried to go on without SR but its tough to stand "alone", yesterday and today there has been more exposure to him and things still sting, they just do. At least now I run to the therapist, AA group and log in to SR, before I just cried, isolated and thought no one understood me!

Slowly I hope I need you all less LOL

Anyway...

If he seems to hate you its because you started to stand between him and the drink!! (I am called The Enemy now... sheesh).

Or because you stopped allowing everything and applauding everything he did and he did not like it. But again it has nothing to do with you

When you yourself believe in your heart you are beautiful you won't care if others think you are beautiful.

I guess you looked for him for self assurance and when you realize you can get the same and better without outside sources you'll feel better and build more confidence I look forward to see you growing and getting healthier
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 03:28 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
[QUOTE=sclarke64448;2347034]CNMC2C - The best predictor of the future is the past! Powerful words - so true! It isn't very often a leopard changes its spots is it. QUOTE]

sclarke,
I'm almost 12 months out of the relationship with the A XBF. The "codie Fog" has lifted from my mind, and I now see and know the truth. I now know that his ex-wife (they had just divorced when I met him) divorced him due to his drinking and cheating, and moved to another state with their kids to protect herself and her children from his insanity. I now know that he has a record (multiple DUI's and DV charges). To look at this guy and not know any better, you would think....great looking guy, great personality, great job, and makes great money.....what a catch..........UNTIL......you really get to know him. I got a good dose of what his ex-wife put up with for 8 years....and have no idea how she made it that long without going clinically insane. Since I left in September of 2008, he has conitnued his relationship with the waitress that he was cheating on me with and married a woman in Washington after knowing her for 3 months...he still doesn't live in the same state as his wife .....and neither of these 2 women know about each other. He has his girlfriend here in Colorado and wife in Washington. Everyone who knows him is just in absolute shock that he continues to get away with what he gets away with........BUT ......what ya gonna do. ME....not a thing.....I escaped King Cake Eating Baby and believe me I ain't ever getting back on his crazy train.
CNMC2C is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 03:30 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Thank you lovely. Much appreciated. Maybe I need to stop doing what this smilie does...
sclarke64448 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 05:01 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I guess I just wonder where that guy has gone and why he now seems to hate me so much.
He doesn't hate you. He hates himself, and projects that onto others. Take that not only from a recovering codie, but a recovering alcoholic too!

His actions have everything to do with him and his alcoholism, and nothing to do with you.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 05:08 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Sorry, the above post with the raincloud me was a thank you to TC. CNMC2C your post has just hit home to me that I am looking back with rose tinted specs. I do remember saying to him on numerous occasions (Not during rows as there weren't really any, but during his stubborn times or drinking bouts... ) how **** stuck you for 10 years I'll never know. In the very early days of the relationship with me - when he was still depressed over him and her he would often disappear for days - once three weeks - he'd finish with me over and over again, etc. But in the last two years he changed and settled down. The only thing the drinking wouldn't stop. So I know I do need to stop looking back and thinking we could have been happy. I truly was happy when I was with him, but as I pointed out, I never lived with him. I lived 30 miles away. When I would go and stay with him we could easily be on our own for five days and nights then we were both screaming to get away from each other. But time apart or no time apart, after nine days and nights I couldn't wait to get back home. And that was after three years together. So who knows how long living together would have lasted.

I guess we'll never know now.

Thank you everyone. I was so down earlier with my 'why aren't I good enough' frame of mind. But you have all cheered me up and helped me realise he's the one who's losing out. I said before, truly wonderful people.

CNMC2C - here's your smiley
sclarke64448 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:04 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
sclarke, continue the soul searching and great great things will come your way, there are gifts I never imagined and yet... here they are !!

Its funny as your inner world gets less messy and more beautiful so does your life, almost like magic you are provided with what you need step by step.

Today while driving I was thinking about you and I thought "our mind is finally getting it, its just a matter of time while our hearts catch up"

Hope you have a good weekend, be good to yourself! I plan to treat myself like a queen.

:ghug3
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 07:18 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Only stepping forward
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
"our mind is finally getting it, its just a matter of time while our hearts catch up"
Where do you get these little sayings?? Cause I'd LOVE to have that book by my bedside.

Not to hijack this post but THANK YOU for this one.....I've had a really rough couple of days and that really puts it all into perspective for me tonight.
kv816 is offline  
Old 08-29-2009, 02:16 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Thank you TC - that was a wonderful way of putting it. Just summed it up perfectly. Have a great weekend - though I'm sure we'll catch up on here at some point :-) XXX
sclarke64448 is offline  
Old 08-29-2009, 11:34 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I think I read something similar in SR, perhaps before you two were around!

I got a book that is called "Dont sweat the small stuff" by Richard Carlson, its a wonderful read!! a Bestseller that always sends you to the right track...

Amazon.com: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff--and it's all small stuff (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Series) (9780786881857): Richard Carlson: Books

I like that way of thinking because it allows feelings be and reminds us not to be fooled by some of them dragging you down... its a process.

The cat sends regards!!
TakingCharge999 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:28 AM.