Thumper

Why is it that I had to hit my bottom before he hit his? I'm the one that nearly lost my job, I'm the one that can't do things right, I'm the one going crazy. He was just humming right along or so it seemed (I know that probably isn't how he felt).

I became consumed by this disease. It is like running in quick sand. I run run run but never get further away from the bad or closer to the good. I just get sucked down until I can no longer breath, no longer think straight or function. Everything started to fall apart.

What kind of mother is that? When that finally dawned on me (how dim am I?!) I knew I had to do something. I could no longer just ignore things. It was such a devastating realization. To begin to see that maybe I was causing my kids as much, if not more, pain and damage as my AH. The anger, frustration, fear, sadness, etc. affected them more then anyone else. More then his drinking. I have shouted and scolded the kids over things that do not justify such a reaction. WTF. I can't control my life so I try and control my kids. That is so awful. I'd go to bed at night and realize I did not smile at or laugh with my children once that day. I have a 3yo that asks his mommy to be happy. He said that after starting daycare. I assume because he had a glimpse at what happy looked like. I'm so ashamed of that. I have never admitted that to anyone.

Please tell me there is a way back from this. That I will be a good mom with happy kids. I'm so afraid that when he comes back home next week that I will never get right.

GiveLove

Thumper: You have the right to change your mind. You do not have to allow him back if you think it will turn you back into the person that you are ashamed of. That's simple self-preservation......years from now, the inconvenience of changing your mind will seem small compared to the happiness and freedom from shame you've cultivated since.

You're becoming someone new and better. That is absolutely priceless.

I personally would not endanger that just because someone else wants another chance.

You have a choice.

MissFixit

Hey Thumper,

I am sorry that you are in pain. You have been holding things together for so long and now you feel overwhelmed. Many of us have been in similar situations. You are not alone.

What I am learning is that we have to take care of ourselved before we can take care of others. I am paying the price of depression now as I did not take care of myself for years hoping things would change on their own. We can get through this. The one day at a time things helps me immensely. Also, trying not to get overwhelmed by looking at everything that is wrong with life, but taking a small are that is easist to change and work on that. Then, find another area and work on that.

Hope this helps,

Miss

sandrawg

I have never ever heard anyone describe what loving and living with an alcoholic is like so brilliantly. That is exactly how I've felt with my xabf. Thank you for putting it in such an eloquent way.

Learn2Live

Hi Thumper.

First things first. Are you going to Al-Anon? Do you need to see a doctor for depression? Do you have, and are you spending time with, friends and family? Do you have someone to talk to in person?

Because you are not as sick as he is. Neither do you have, from what I understand, this insidious disease of addiction/alcoholism.

This is because you have made very unhealthy life decisions, including the decision to be with and stay with an active addict or alcoholic. You have chosen to stay, and these are the results of that choice.

This is only your perception. You do not know that, you are not a mind reader. Change your perceptions. Active alcoholics and addicts do not "hum along." It is a miserable, painful life.

The kind of mother who has taken on A LOT of responsibilities, including children, and does not have a partner who helps but a partner who makes life so much harder.

I am so glad you are now able to see the truth of the matter and that you have admitted what you have been doing. That is Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the alcoholic, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Thumper, shame is toxic. So is blame and guilt. They are bad for you and bad for your children. You have to make a conscious effort, every day, all day, to stamp out shame, blame and guilt. The longer you allow them to pervade your life, the longer it will take you to find your way and get back from this.

You are afraid for good reason. He is drowning and he's taken you down with him. Are you going to fight him off and swim to safety, or are you going to let him back in and drown?

Be tough, girl.

Iwanttoheal

In your head, hold on to that picture of your three-year old wanting you to be happy, it will give you so much strength. You have a choice, listen to yourself, make the right choice for you and your children.

Thumper

Thank you for all the feedback and help in seeing what is going on.

I have attended two al-alon meetings. I go once a week. I have no family/friends here. No one I talk to IRL. I do have distant family that is supportive they are just a little crazy and not so good to talk to, lol. I've done some reading already and will order some books that were recommended in the sticky above. I've also printed out some of the other useful things from the stickies and read them daily.

Since my big realization I came up with a saying - "Today I have these four wonderful, healthy kids. I will embrace the joy there is in that miracle. I will create happiness around them and within them." I say that to myself each morning and again before I pick them up. I try to banish the negative from my mind. I still sometimes get caught and have to remind myself that this is a good evening. I should be laughing and doing something fun - not just plodding through reminding everyone of what they should be doing next. I also remind myself not to overreact or be to controlling. Really, the earth will not spin off its axis if teeth are not brushed by 8:45 sharp! That is how loony I had become. If there was deviation from my master plan they would not get their bonus at the end of the night. How sad to try and hold 4 boys (one with ADHD and CAPD even!) to such a rigid schedule. Ah, enough of that! I have changed that!

I still can't seem to get my head on straight for the rest of it. I realistically know I can change my mind about him coming home and doing marriage counseling. But it doesn't really feel like a choice in my heart. It feels very very wrong to not give that 2 months to a man that has gone to and finished treatment and has not ever been abusive. Typically, chronically alcoholic for 11+ years and all that entails - yes. Abusive - no. What if he defies the odds and stays sober?.....Then I think 'So What!' He'll be a better father sober but I still don't have to be married to him. I am just not getting past the feelings of selfishness and wrongness. I'm seized with indecision and confusion. Is this inability to align my thoughts, or identify what I want, or accept what I want, something that the steps of al-anon will help me work through? That is what I desperately want. I want to be tough. I don't really see any other option actually, I just need to find my way there.

Still Waters

I would immediately call a counselor in your area who specializes in addiction/co-dependency issues. A good counselor will help you unravel all these feelings and help you put priorities in order.

GiveLove

I know that counseling was very, very helpful for me in seeing why I put others' needs & wants before my own perfectly rational feelings (i.e. "..just not getting past the feelings of selfishness"). AND how much damage it was doing to my life. I am a child of a very sick and damaged family, and I simply did not know it was okay to put myself first.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? (drunk or sober)

If not, it is going to be much easier to "not go there" then to get him out once he's back. Plus, it is a much more compassionate choice to set him free.

What if he comes home and you're absolutely miserable? What if he comes home and starts drinking - lying about it, covering it up, doing all of the things that your read about here? It may give you great peace of mind to play those tapes all the way through in your mind, and journal about what you will do in those situations. Having a plan, for me, means less chaos and insanity and more peace of mind, even in very difficult circumstances.

Only you know what's right for you - and if it's hazy, a counselor is the best possible person to help you sort it out.

Good luck and hugs

LaTeeDa

Only you know for sure what's going on with the feelings of indecision and confusion. But, I have to share with you that whenever I felt that way in the past, it turned out to be a direct result of ignoring the small quiet voice in me. Some people call it your 'gut,' others call it your 'instinct,' I prefer to call it my 'spirit.' Whatever you call it, it always has your best interests behind it. And whenever you choose to ignore it in favor of the other, louder voices (be they other peoples voices, or the ones I call the 'committee' in your head) you will feel uneasy, confused, anxious, etc.

L

Freedom1990

Yes, Alanon will help you with those issues, and then some!

We no longer have Alanon in the small town where I live, but I have the daily meditation book from Alanon and live the principles in my daily life.

My thinking was so clouded from living with active alcoholism, and later, relationships with very dysfunctional men, that I didn't even grasp how clouded it was!

I couldn't define who I was if my life depended on it!

Today at age 51 I am in my last year of college. I already have landed a part-time job in my chosen profession (health information management).

Today it is clear to me what I want, and what I don't want in my life.

Wishing you a quiet heart and clarity of mind.

:ghug2 :ghug2

MissFixit

Freedom is AWESOME!!!!

This thread hits home with me today.

Thumper,

For what it is worth, I have never been married and have no kids. My exabf and I have been no contact since the fall. Only this summer have I begun to realize that I have no idea what I want and have made efforts to try to change what I have been doing.

I was running at a high level and life changed. This summer I have not been able to get back to the person I was before my A. So, recently I decided to try to chart a new course. Stepping back, taking life slower, ditching amoral people and pursuing things in life that I can be proud of and feel rewarded doing.

laurie6781

Thumper you have received some really great advice above.

I would just like to add ......................... he doesn't have to come straight back into your home from treatment. He could go to a Sober Living House, where he can continue to work on HIS recovery, have visitation with the children, and thus give you time to work on you and WATCH his ACTIONS.

His ACTIONS not his words will show you in time how serious he is about recovery.

Just another 'choice' for you to think about, which would give you and your children 'more time' to adapt to whatever your final decision is.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Thumper

Laurie, that was my original deal. I asked him to leave for 6 months so I could get some space to breath and get myself straightened out a little bit. I also thought it would give me some reassurance that he'd stay sober (but probably not to be honest). I filed for temporary orders to give me custody of the kids, exclusive use of the house, and child support. I did that because I didn't think he'd actually leave - he said he wasn't going to leave, and he had a pitiful plan for recovery. At that move he entered detox, treatment, and then begged all kinds of ways to come home. I held my line but then he contacted an attorney and said he'd fight for custody of the kids and house himself. I got scared half to death because he's been the one home with the kids during the day while I worked until very very recently when I had to get childcare because he could no longer watch them. My atty could not guarantee me I'd win so I agreed to his terms.

If I decide to pursue the divorce again I will not be scared off. He'd probably do the same thing again even though he said if we did the counseling he would not. I might be in a worse position actually if he stays sober but I'll just pray and move forward. I was so scared then but after some reflection I'm not sure he'd do it anyway - he doesn't actually believe it is best for the kids, he was just manipulating me.

ANEWAUGUST

Thumper....

I am the eldest daughter of an alcoholic father.

The rigid routine you had created, and the lack of being a joyful and spontaneous mother, was my mother for a very long time.

I am also an alcoholic.

My mother didn't attend Al-Anon until all of her daughters were actually out of the house, and she threatened to leave my Dad. Although Dad did quit drinking, and the marriage survived, Mom still needed Al-Anon to undo all the damage and harshness she had inflicted upon herself.

When I became a mother, at some point, I found myself inflicting rigid schedules, and inflexible expectations upon my children. It took alot of ACOA work for me to undo those thought patterns, and be easy upon myself,
and become a gentle, tender mother.

Please keep attending Al-Anon..stick to whatever boundaries you need to keep you on track with yourself to be the one parent your children can depend upon, look to for guidance, and as an example of what a parent should be. It will be the greatest gift you can give them.

Iwanttoheal

Thankyou ANEWAUGUST. I needed to read that today.

IWTH xxx

ANEWAUGUST

I am glad that helped you..if it helped anyone at all.

As much as I hated my fathers drinking..somehow later in life, I became him, and I became my mother who tried to control everything else, since she couldn't control my father.

She was really in a crappy, no win situation for so long. I am thankful that later in life, she was able to learn the tools she needed so long ago. She was also instrumental in steering me to examine my own life, my own problems and taking action to heal myself.

My sisters don't have the same memories of childhood and my Dads drinking and the chaos that surrounded it. They were younger, and quite frankly, Mom and I were co-dependently closer.

Not everyone can leave their spouse, or their situation. But anyone can go to Al-Anon and check into co-dependency..to heal themselves.

Helenlee

"but I'll just pray and move forward."

Oh honey, that reminds me so much of the joke about the lady who climbed onto the roof of her house during a terrible flood. A woman paddled past in a canoe & offered to take her back to her children who were waiting on the shore. The lady says "No thank you, I've prayed to God to save me, so I'm going to wait." Soon some women came past in a speed boat & offered to take her to shore. The lady gave them the same reply. Hours later, the flood waters lapping at her toes, a rescue helicopter hovered over the lady, but she waved it off, saying "I've prayed to God to save me & I have faith." Of course the poor lady was soon swept to her death, in front of her terrified children. When she knocked at the Pearly Gates, she's wet & bedraggled & she's very angry at God for not saving her. And God says "WTF???? I sent you a canoe a speed boat & a HELICOPTER ...!!!"

I've been where you are & there's not much I wouldn't give to have taken the canoe ... FWIW

Freedom1990

My heart hurt reading that. It disgusts me to see a man using his children as pawns to manipulate his way into getting what he wants.

I don't know about where you live, but in my state, it's still extremely difficult for the father to get custody of the children. Mothers are still favored over fathers.

I'm puzzled over your attorney's hesitation in the custody thing considering you were the one working/supporting the family, and ended up finding childcare because he could no longer watch them.

Thumper

I was gone for a few days...

If it still comes to a divorce I will probably find a different lawyer. I'm not taking the younger two out of childcare when he comes home.

ANEWAUGUST, I wanted to say thank you for your post. I've always been a little obsessive about 'keeping their family together' until recently when I took my blinders off. It still helps a lot to hear from people that have really btdt.