jehnifer

I come here to share what's going on with me because it feels safe...and it helps me a whole lot...even though most of the time I feel foolish for my problems. Half the itme I report on progress I'm making, but the other half the time its about a setback or that I am stuck again and in agony. So...thank you for the safety of this place.

RAH gets back in town after a long weekend away and within two hours he's already very mad at me... Is snapping at me and accusing me of not acting right. Because he made overtures for intimacy (right before I was going to make dinner) and I didn't respond the way he wanted. And his expectations overall were not met upon his return because I wasn't acting like he wanted me to. So once again I go to bed feeling horrible, sleepless night, and emotional hangover Monday.

Then... last night my 16 yo daughter in an emotional discussion behind closed doors told me she thought something was wrong with me, that being afraid of my husband was wrong - she can clearly see that's how I am, that all I am worried about is his approval... and it's affecting her to watch this. OK, so I feel horrible all over again... The only repsonse I could give is You're right and I'm working on things...

I go downstairs and my husband (her stepfather) asked what were you all talking about up there...and then in an angry tone...Are you going to let you daughter talk to you that way? (not knowing "what" she was actually talking to me about in her tearful emotional upheaval) and instead of doing what I usually do which is try to soothe his anger by agreeing with him I popped off..."Mind your own business! The discussion was between me and her." Needless to say this didnt go over very well.

At that point I confessed to my husband that several weeks ago I agreed to allow my daughter to have a kitten if she kept it upstairs and took care of it...without ever consulting him about it. This was a huge mistake on my part...to allow her to do this without first talking to him. But I was too afraid to talk to my husband about it - fearing his reaction, the argument, etc. I hid something from him out of fear, and my daughter felt that was weak on my part, and my husband is mad at me all over agin. So now I have created a huge mess.

You may remember that my RAH has major issues with my kids being at our house too much in the first place, which has created a huge wedge in our relationship.

All I could tell my husband last night was that I have been working very very hard over the past months on improving myself. That I realize what I do is wrong but I am working on things. All he could do was go on and on with accusations of what I do wrong, berating, cutting me down. Talking about my past failed marriage and other relationships. I finally just got up and left the room in tears. No sense in arguing. My final words were about my willingness to seek marriage counseling if he wanted to go that route.

Yeah, I feel like Im a failure, and truly am in many ways. Yet... there is so much I persoanlly "see" lately about myself, and I am getting more in touch with my insides and with God, and clearer about who I am and what I want...and this all gives me hope...and I do feel stornger...despite the anger and turbulance at home.

I am sorry this is so long...it feels good to get it all out.

sesh

I just want to say the same thing that Anvilhead said. I read your post half an hour ago, and it felt so wrong that anyone should put up with what you do, and it touched me so much, wanted to post a reply, but didn't know what to say, as everything I though of seemed like it might hurt you even more. Anvilhead put it all ever so nicely. And I have to add:
walk out of that door and run as fast as you can!!! There is a whole wide world out there and there is a healthy place for you in it.
Fight for yourself, you can do it, you still have that strenght inside of you, even if you have forgotten it. Make your children proud of you!
I know you can do it. And don't let him see you're afraid of him, because that's where he gets his strenght from and power over you. Or better yet Don't be afraid of him! What can he do to you that he hasn't done allready?
Please, for your own sake and for your children sake, get out of there and choose life!
My prayers are with you.

Still Waters

Oh jehnifer - I wouldn't believe how badly we can be damaged by those who claim to love us, if it hadn't happened to me also. You don't deserve this abuse, nor do your children. I know how hard it is to move on, to admit that you're in a bad situation and that it can't be fixed...I really do.

Just know that you deserve so much more than this.

TakingCharge999

Jehnifer I agree with you this place offers a lot of support, I am glad you keep posting, you will never be alone

I hope you remember you are a very worthy woman that deserves much happiness and joy.

Remember you are the one in power to make changes.

You are no lesser than your husband or anyone else.

If you can go to a therapist (you don't have to tell him) they have helped me a lot sort out my stuff and pains and see reality for what it is.

HUGS :ghug3

dothi

Others will continue to give you great advice here.

But for your daughter, please point her towards the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. There she can find support (rather than leaving all the pressure on you for answers). Alcoholism is a family disease and she needs support as much as you do.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

As much as it may not seem like it, living in fear is not healthy. It's just not. Look at how you're living now and ask yourself if this is what you would want for your daughter. Is this the kind of man she should find? Is this how she should hide herself from him? Should she live in a house where two people cannot have a private conversation?

jehnifer

Abuse? I am psychologically baffled. I cannot think straight. And feel sick to my stomach. And also embarrassed. Honestly, the thought of "Run as fast as you can" doesn't make sense to me given that the problem is "me." I've grown to believe that - even though I should know better... How could I ever explain the reasons to my husband such that it would make sense and be logical to him? And it sounds sick but knowing that he will feel hurt if I were to walk away is so pianful. (How many times have I read that on these baords?!) Yet, my children are learnign from me...and for that reason alone I have an obligation to not let this continue.

OK, you try talking to my husband some time and see if you don't come away feeling responsible for everything that's not going right. I challenge you to try it. It won't be easy.

I've been to individual counseling - 6 sessions! with the last one (two weeks ago)helping me prepare to ask for a separation. Now what happened to that? I had enough strength to ask for it...and he promised to work on things. Here we are a week later.

Was it the same me who posted those things earlier this week about how well I was doing? Where did she go? HA HA

I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the support.

Freedom1990

All he gave you was lip service. He's abusive and not going to change.

I know what it's like to shrivel up into a little pile of nothing-ness after an abusive spouse gets done with the tongue-lashings.

I don't ever want to live that way again, and I don't have to.

I hurt for you and I hurt for your daughter when I read what goes on at your house.

Still Waters

Yeah, I have to agree. He's not going to be hurt by you leaving, he might be angry, but he's certainly not going to mourn.

TakingCharge999

For what is worth I don't give a damn about what he feels or thinks... but I do care a lot about YOU and your daughter... and the kitty!!!!!!

dothi

I'm borrowing this from the following post, as it seemed relevant.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nse-blame.html

Quote:

I think to myself, "Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true," and, "My refrigerator's not blue."

Early in recovery, on one of those many conversations with my sponsor, I was dealing with statement that someone had some that really had no truth to it - she told me to walk to my kitchen - asked me, "What color is my refrigerator?" "It's beige," I replied. She said, "No it's not, it's blue." I said, "No it's beige." She said, "we could have this arguement all night, no matter how many times I say it - it will never make your refrigerator blue, so how can an A make those statements to be true about you, that you know deep inside that they are untrue."

So, many times, when I just have to walk away - I will be mumbling under my breath, "My refrigerator's not blue, my refrigerator's not blue" - "Just because someone says it doesn't make it true"

Just because someone says it's your fault, that doesn't make it true. You still have a choice to keep listening and accept the blame.

Learn2Live

Jehnifer, all this is is you taking responsibility for EVERYTHING. By doing that, and TELLING him and trying to show him how you are taking responsibility for everything, you are providing him with the fodder he needs to CONTINUE TO take ALL the focus off him and his problem and PROJECT IT ONTO YOU.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING BUT YOU.

This disease is clearly making you sick. The way you sound on these posts tells me you are being beaten down, you feel bad about yourself, you feel at fault for everything, etc. I know you want him to see how much you are working on yourself, cause maybe if he sees this, then he will start working on himself too? I used to feel this way too, but it doesn't work.

You are trying to have a successful relationship with a person who is incapable of doing so because he refuses to work on HIMSELF. He is not the first man to refuse to do this, nor is he the first alcoholic to do this. It is very common for relationships not to work because one person is moving forward, and the other is stuck in the past. Honey, MOVE FORWARD, UP, and OUT. This guy is drowning and he's pulling you under.

FIRST, stop talking to this man as much as possible. Address only the practical things that need to be addressed. If he starts yelling at you and berating you just say, "Excuse me but I don't wish to be spoken to in this manner." Pretend he is a complete stranger, and speak politely. Then, let it go and walk away.
SECOND, stop blaming yourself. Stop telling this man you will go to marriage counseling. You don't need marriage counseling, you need counseling for yourself and your daughter. The fastest, cheapest, best way to do this is GO TO AL-ANON!!!

Cowgirl1265

I am sure he is very good at twisting everything you say. My suggestion would be not to talk to him or explain it to him at all. Talking to him inevitably turns into him making you feel like a failure - where in all he is really doing is diverting attention away from anything that might be an indictment of his own behavior.

Jehn, you really need to be away from this man, the sooner the better.

smacked

Well as long as you stay, you're giving permission for his mistreatment. I have said this to you before.. but I'll just say, you may not care about protecting yourself from abuse, but please PLEASE start caring about your child.

Chrysalis123

Hi jehnifer. Thank you for posting. I found value in what you said and what you said touched me and helped me.

I too was utterly shocked when I realized my husband was abusing me. Ithought, "well he never hit me...how could he be abusive?"


And then I found Dr. Irene's site on the web and this is from her:

Does he:

ignore your feelings?

disrespect you?

ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?

ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?

withhold approval, appreciation or affection?

give you the silent treatment?

walk away without answering you?

criticize you, call you names, yell at you?

humiliate you privately or in public?

roll his or her eyes when you talk?

give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?

make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?

seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?

tell you you are too sensitive?

hurt you especially when you are down?

seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?

have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?

present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?

"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?

try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?

complain about how badly you treat him or her?

threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?

say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?

ever threaten to hurt you or your family?

ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?

seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?

abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?

compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?

promise to never do something hurtful again?

harass you about imagined affairs?

manipulate you with lies and contradictions?

destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?

drive like a road-rage junkie?

act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?

question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?

interrupt you; hear but not really listen?

make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?

use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?

incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?

try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"

frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?

treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?


Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely.

You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.

You long for that softer more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?

You feel emotionally unsafe.

You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.

You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.

You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.

You doubt your own judgment.

You doubt your abilities.

You feel vulnerable and insecure.

You are becoming increasingly depressed.

You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.

You have been or are afraid of your partner.

Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.



If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women's shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

Still Waters

^^^

Yes