How cruel they can be
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
How cruel they can be
By the way I'm sorry but it's my mom who drinks and my dad is the codependent. Is that right? I want to learn the correct terminology. I will still make mistakes so please correct me if I do? I want to learn so I can help others too eventually. Right now I need help and don't know enough to tell others what to do like you who have had more experience with this disease. May God bless you for your help.
Anyway, I don't know how to take this or what to think. But my A mom called me a few days ago and started to tell me she wasn't happy and that she went to her safe deposit box and read a letter my grandmother (who's been dead over 12 years) wrote to her about me and that maybe she would let me read it when she was dead or before? She said this calmly and that she hadn't had much to drink but her tone was cold. I wasn't sure whether to believe her or not. Who would keep a letter like this (and she made it sound like it was not nice). I was trying to ask her what she was talking about. She tells me to be quiet and let her talk and not interrupt (which I do have a habit of doing, esp. with her) She continued to, again, let me know how much money she had given to my son for college. She loves to throw this and other things in my face. I didn't ask for it she willingly gave it, and this was many years ago. She then said NEVER to call her again. I started to get a bit agitated and told her, in a slightly raised voice, to please get help and to stop bashing the family and treating us like this etc. She denied it and to hurt me more she brought up my daughter, who died shortly after birth 30 years ago, that it was she who went to see her in the hospital more than me. That's when I lost it and raising my voice more told her that she had told me not to get too attached to her and visit her too much. She then promptly hung up on me. I can't believe she would ever say such a thing. I was shaking for some time afterward. She's never said such a thing before. How cruel. She didn't carry that baby, or give birth to her. She doesn't understand that I cherished her and have the wonderful promise that I will see her in heaven one day. I don't know what started this off. The last time I talked to her was last week when my dad and her were fighting on the phone with each other and I was in the middle. She is maybe mad at me for talking to my dad and she thinks I sided with him? I don't know. I try not to take sides but she trashes my dad, saying how he treats her and cusses at her( which is true), that she is going to leave him, wants to be alone, wishes she was dead etc...I just don't know what to say except please don't say things like that mom, where are you going to go? She can't really give me an answer. She only says this stuff when she's drinking. When she turns on my brother or me my dad takes her side against us probably to keep peace with her and glad it's not about him. Sometimes I think it's impossible. But I keep praying for them and tell them so and that I love them. I also think she may be envious of me because i am happy with my life and have a faith in God she doesn't understand. She wants me to be as unhappy as she is. I can't be. I have such joy in my life except for my parents who are so miserable. That is one of the things I would change if I could. Also that my husband would know Christ and stop drinking too. He is now down to about 4 beers in the evening, use to be 6-8. It's a start. He had a seizure in January that at first scared him good into cutting back and eating well etc.... What should i do about my mom, should I wait a while and call her or wait till she calls. I've emailed my dad telling him I am worried about him and gave him this website along with other material. He needs support more than I do. He hasn't emailed me back yet. Maybe he is afraid she will find out. I don't know. She doesn't use the computer much so why should he worry and he could always delete it after he sends it.
Sorry this is so long again. Thank you so much for all your help so far.
Anyway, I don't know how to take this or what to think. But my A mom called me a few days ago and started to tell me she wasn't happy and that she went to her safe deposit box and read a letter my grandmother (who's been dead over 12 years) wrote to her about me and that maybe she would let me read it when she was dead or before? She said this calmly and that she hadn't had much to drink but her tone was cold. I wasn't sure whether to believe her or not. Who would keep a letter like this (and she made it sound like it was not nice). I was trying to ask her what she was talking about. She tells me to be quiet and let her talk and not interrupt (which I do have a habit of doing, esp. with her) She continued to, again, let me know how much money she had given to my son for college. She loves to throw this and other things in my face. I didn't ask for it she willingly gave it, and this was many years ago. She then said NEVER to call her again. I started to get a bit agitated and told her, in a slightly raised voice, to please get help and to stop bashing the family and treating us like this etc. She denied it and to hurt me more she brought up my daughter, who died shortly after birth 30 years ago, that it was she who went to see her in the hospital more than me. That's when I lost it and raising my voice more told her that she had told me not to get too attached to her and visit her too much. She then promptly hung up on me. I can't believe she would ever say such a thing. I was shaking for some time afterward. She's never said such a thing before. How cruel. She didn't carry that baby, or give birth to her. She doesn't understand that I cherished her and have the wonderful promise that I will see her in heaven one day. I don't know what started this off. The last time I talked to her was last week when my dad and her were fighting on the phone with each other and I was in the middle. She is maybe mad at me for talking to my dad and she thinks I sided with him? I don't know. I try not to take sides but she trashes my dad, saying how he treats her and cusses at her( which is true), that she is going to leave him, wants to be alone, wishes she was dead etc...I just don't know what to say except please don't say things like that mom, where are you going to go? She can't really give me an answer. She only says this stuff when she's drinking. When she turns on my brother or me my dad takes her side against us probably to keep peace with her and glad it's not about him. Sometimes I think it's impossible. But I keep praying for them and tell them so and that I love them. I also think she may be envious of me because i am happy with my life and have a faith in God she doesn't understand. She wants me to be as unhappy as she is. I can't be. I have such joy in my life except for my parents who are so miserable. That is one of the things I would change if I could. Also that my husband would know Christ and stop drinking too. He is now down to about 4 beers in the evening, use to be 6-8. It's a start. He had a seizure in January that at first scared him good into cutting back and eating well etc.... What should i do about my mom, should I wait a while and call her or wait till she calls. I've emailed my dad telling him I am worried about him and gave him this website along with other material. He needs support more than I do. He hasn't emailed me back yet. Maybe he is afraid she will find out. I don't know. She doesn't use the computer much so why should he worry and he could always delete it after he sends it.
Sorry this is so long again. Thank you so much for all your help so far.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi Goldberry! I'm sorry for all the painful things your mother said. Have you ever considered going no contact with your mother?
Neither of my parents are alcoholic, but my dad is the adult child of two alcoholics, and my mother is codependent. Neither have sought any recovery for themselves over the years. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict/codependent.
I love my parents dearly, but they can launch into toxic mode, my mother especially.
I have literally had to go no contact at times to save my sanity.
If you haven't already, I'd suggest getting your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Also look into Alanon meetings in your area as you will find others affected by a loved one's alcoholism, and it's great face-to-face support.
I know how badly a toxic parent can hurt. Even though I've been sober 19 years now, my mother has been known to dredge up stuff from the past when I was still drinking if she's really angry. There's a lot she has not forgiven.
I hope you continue to post, and please know you are among friends! :ghug2 :ghug2
Neither of my parents are alcoholic, but my dad is the adult child of two alcoholics, and my mother is codependent. Neither have sought any recovery for themselves over the years. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict/codependent.
I love my parents dearly, but they can launch into toxic mode, my mother especially.
I have literally had to go no contact at times to save my sanity.
If you haven't already, I'd suggest getting your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Also look into Alanon meetings in your area as you will find others affected by a loved one's alcoholism, and it's great face-to-face support.
I know how badly a toxic parent can hurt. Even though I've been sober 19 years now, my mother has been known to dredge up stuff from the past when I was still drinking if she's really angry. There's a lot she has not forgiven.
I hope you continue to post, and please know you are among friends! :ghug2 :ghug2
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family goldberry!
I'm sorry your relationship with your parents is what brings you here, tho. I know you will find lots of experience, strength and hope around this forum. Please be sure to read some of the sticky posts at the top of this forum.
I agree 100% with Freedoms post. Alanon, no contact and Melody Beattie!
You're expending so much of your precious energy worrying over past conversations with your mother, anticipating future conversations with your mother, dreading phone calls today that could be from your mother. She doesn't live in your house, but she certainly is living in your head - rent free!
No contact with toxic people is about saving yourself. You are not trying to punish her or your dad. You are trying to protect yourself from the insanity of her addiction.
How do you go about cutting off communication with your mother? One conversation at a time. You don't need to announce your decision to her or your father. This is your decision for your life. You do this by establishing a personal boundary of not allowing toxic conversations to enter your mind. Basically, if she calls and wants to discuss anything besides the current price of a dozen eggs, you let her know that you are not willing to have this conversation and that you are getting off the phone. Then gently hang up. After a few hang ups, she will get the message.
I had to discontinue a few conversations with my mother (now deceased), but I would lie and say "I gotta go". I feel better now about letting people know that I am uncomfortable and wish to end a conversation. It takes practice.
One Day at a Time
I'm sorry your relationship with your parents is what brings you here, tho. I know you will find lots of experience, strength and hope around this forum. Please be sure to read some of the sticky posts at the top of this forum.
I agree 100% with Freedoms post. Alanon, no contact and Melody Beattie!
You're expending so much of your precious energy worrying over past conversations with your mother, anticipating future conversations with your mother, dreading phone calls today that could be from your mother. She doesn't live in your house, but she certainly is living in your head - rent free!
No contact with toxic people is about saving yourself. You are not trying to punish her or your dad. You are trying to protect yourself from the insanity of her addiction.
How do you go about cutting off communication with your mother? One conversation at a time. You don't need to announce your decision to her or your father. This is your decision for your life. You do this by establishing a personal boundary of not allowing toxic conversations to enter your mind. Basically, if she calls and wants to discuss anything besides the current price of a dozen eggs, you let her know that you are not willing to have this conversation and that you are getting off the phone. Then gently hang up. After a few hang ups, she will get the message.
I had to discontinue a few conversations with my mother (now deceased), but I would lie and say "I gotta go". I feel better now about letting people know that I am uncomfortable and wish to end a conversation. It takes practice.
One Day at a Time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Many thanks to both of you for giving me the tools and strength to do what I need to do. I really wasn't sure what to do or how to do it. I wasn't sure if I should call her back after a while and see how she is or reason with her somehow to get our relationship back to where it was before. The morning is best because that's when she hasn't started drinking yet. But I will not call her for now. The no contact will be strange but I bless you both for the wise suggestions you have given me. Even how to react to her when she calls and starts to talk about something other than the price of eggs!!! It will be hard because yes she is in my head and I think about her words and why, why, why? Thank you again. May God bless your day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
I'm so sorry you lost your precious baby, Goldberry. What your mother said made me gasp in disbelief.
Yes, she is a vicious alcoholic. She may also have a personality disorder....a mental illness.
Going out on a limb here, I'll suggest you find a copy of "Surviving the Borderline Mother."
Even if she does not have Borderline Personality Disorder, the book gives excellent suggestions for protecting yourself from an insane mother, regardless the root of the insanity.
Worried you may be the spouse of an alcoholic as well. So....finding an Al-Anon meeting you feel comfortable in and attending weekly would be a very good thing, to keep your mind in reality and clarity.
You have a lot of burdens. Recovering people can help you as you unload what is not your responsibility.
Welcome to this forum. Hope you don't disappear into the madness that is life with an addict.
Bluejay
Yes, she is a vicious alcoholic. She may also have a personality disorder....a mental illness.
Going out on a limb here, I'll suggest you find a copy of "Surviving the Borderline Mother."
Even if she does not have Borderline Personality Disorder, the book gives excellent suggestions for protecting yourself from an insane mother, regardless the root of the insanity.
Worried you may be the spouse of an alcoholic as well. So....finding an Al-Anon meeting you feel comfortable in and attending weekly would be a very good thing, to keep your mind in reality and clarity.
You have a lot of burdens. Recovering people can help you as you unload what is not your responsibility.
Welcome to this forum. Hope you don't disappear into the madness that is life with an addict.
Bluejay
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