boocatgirl

Hi all,

So I'll spare you the boring details, but I think I am finally ready to accept that my biggest problem right now is me. I accept that my man has this #$%# disease and that over time, I have become sick, too.

I have Kaiser. Is there a type of therapist I should ask for? My experience with Kaiser is they tend to want to label you and send you off with drugs and a support group. I already attend Alanon, but would really like to just talk to someone one on one. My rehab-livin' ABF and I are supposed to see a family therapist (through the VA) ... but he hasn't got a start date yet. I understand that vets from mid-east take precedence, so the Dr could be putting him off until an opening appears (two months we've been trying to get started). The bottom line is I love this idiot, despite everything. I am simply not ready to give up on this relationship. Perhaps if we did not share a daughter, I would have walked away long ago. Argh!!! My life looks so stupid in print.

Anyway, I noticed some of you have had one-on-one counceling, and wondered how you set that up. Did you get a referral? Did you ask for a specific type of therapist? Does your insurance cover costs?

I'm sorry we are all here, but I'm grateful that I am not alone, and I have someone to turn to.

BCG

Still Waters

Search the Kaiser site for a physician.

boocatgirl

I guess my real question was is there a type of psych Dr? Like someone that specializes in CoDe relationships, family therapy, Drugs and Alcohol? I don't really like talking to strangers about my issues, so would like to avoid relating my "stuff" to a chain of folks but, if what you are saying is I should go through my personal Kaiser physician first, then I can do that.

Thanks for the response.

BCG

Still Waters

I appears that you might need a referral to a specialist from your gp. You would need to call Kaiser and find out for sure.

But, once you get all that figured out, I'd suggest a counselor that specialized in co-dependency or addiction. They do list their specialites.

aboutdone

I appreciate your desire to not air your dirty laundry sos to say with a group of strangers. But seriously, you can go to an al anon or AA meeting for free. I have never been forced to speak. At most if I was called upon, and didn't feel the need to speak, I simply stated I was just listening, or would pass.

I do like my al anon family. They are wonderful, and most if not all have been in my very shoes. Some have stayed, some have left the addicts in their lifes. There is strength in numbers, I do believe that. Sometimes when you are dealing with what you have going on, just sitting in a room of people who have the same things going on is comforting. Its a vibe you get with or without speaking.

Alot of times I walk away from my meetings feeling as if my life and problems just aren't that bad. I will guarantee you, there is always someone else with a bigger set of problems/issues. Sometimes looking at it from a different perspective helps so much.

I'm not trying to push at all. Just saying in my case, it was the ONLY option for me at the time my issues came to a head, as I could not afford counseling at all, until I could set up a sliding scale with the counselor.

The other part of it is this. For me, my learning style is to be taught by someone who has been there, done that. I don't want someone telling me how to cook when they have never touched a stove in their life. You know? Some counselors are awesome and have been there, some like mine have not. They can tell you the book approach, but they can't speak from experience.

The first time RAH and I went to MC we were there for 2 hours. RAH was AH at that time and never even mentioned it, or the fact that he had left me pregnant with 3 kids and no money. Only the fact that he couldn't take my anger anymore. I cried for 2 hours straight, in disbelief that between the counselor and AH they diagnosed me right then and there as having anger issues.

A day later I called the counselor, set up my own appointment, and went in and ripped his butt for obviously not seeing that I am angry because I lived with and was left by a raging alcoholic. Only then did we start to address the real issue of my anger, my codependency, and the fact that the counselor totally missed the boat.

I walked into Al anon, and those people were awesome. They let me vent, cry, rage, etc, and then ever so lovingly started to point out, I only had to take care of "my stuff". Anything that was AH "stuff" I didn't need to touch.
They worked magic that first meeting and never once did they give me an answer. They just led me by their own stories. You know?

boocatgirl

Thank you so much AboutDone. I totally agree about Alanon. I get so much from my group, but find sharing really difficult. I am such a control freak. On one hand I almost feel guilty not sharing, cuz these people open their souls and give so freely. On the other hand, I know if I start to share, I am just going to bawl (and the thought of that paralyzes me). So, what is it they say... that which you are most afraid of is the thing you may need to do most? or some such....

Maybe that is just what I need to do to get past my fear of opening up.

Thanks for the caring . I really needed that this week.

Hope all is well in your world.

BCG

Anyway, I saw a one-on-one, I could let go, but I agree, that I could get a really crappy councelor and then I'd be well... just as frustrated.

PurpleWilder

For my first few months in Al-Anon, I did nothing BUT cry. They all understood. That is what they probably did their first few months in Al-Anon too.

It's OK to feel that way. After being raised in dysfunctional homes and being with dysfunctional partners we learn that it is wrong to feel, wrong to be sad and wrong to let others know what is going on with us. But once you start to share you will feel so much better.

Learn2Live

boocatgirl,

I have Kaiser on the East Coast. There's an 800 number I call which goes directly to "Behavioral Health" or something like that and they set it up for you. There are two therapists in my Medical Center but basically they are not good. One tried to convince me to leave my then-boyfriend, marry my ex-BF and have children. A therapist should never even SUGGEST what you should do or how you should feel or what you should decide, etc. The other therapist was so young and obviously had no history with addix and alcoholix that she was no help.

If you decide you want therapy, I think a therapist with some clinical training would be a good place to start. But it is so very hard to find a good therapist! The only time therapy helped me was when I severely, clinically depressed. And that lady was AWESOME!

As for Al-Anon, it has been the best therapy I have ever had. I know what you mean about not wanting to cry or share in front of large groups of people but let it go. Once I did, of course I bawled like a baby, that's what therapy is all about. I cried for the first two months, and that was ALL I did. Never spoke, just cried and listened.

I think you NEED to cry. We all do.