well, you were right.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Queenie,
Here's something I learned that has gone and continues to go a VERY long way in my Recovery:
Given that it seems you feel bad for your physical behavior towards this person, your personal values (and morals) probably include "I do not wish to harm other people."
When you act in opposition to your personal values, no matter what the situation, you negatively affect your own self-esteem.
I have to remind myself of my own values and morals at least every week.
Here's something I learned that has gone and continues to go a VERY long way in my Recovery:
Given that it seems you feel bad for your physical behavior towards this person, your personal values (and morals) probably include "I do not wish to harm other people."
When you act in opposition to your personal values, no matter what the situation, you negatively affect your own self-esteem.
I have to remind myself of my own values and morals at least every week.
I abhor violence towards anyone. It just isn't justified except in self defence. Sorry if I came on too strong.
queenie said:
sadly, in his mind, I became the one with both a drinking and violence problem!
"in his mind" there is much confusion and neurones drowned in alcohol so his opinion does not matter !!
Man, I obsess all the time, seems I'm taking steps... backwards... but when I finally say "who cares, HE does not even know himself" and throw it all away in a great package it rules!
sclarke please work on yourself so you do not end up with a similar person !!
And now I am going to tell you all a story, its very typical. I got a coworker and him and my ex are the most likable, smiley and funny guys on the floor! Also they are the heavier drinkers.... and yes, if you said one of these 150 guys hit someone... these two (in the general opinion) would be the ones who everybody says "we never expected this from HIM, blah blah..."
Well this coworker is going to marry a Japanese woman. Great, huh? He lives just infront of a friend of mine and we have heard their shouts and yelling. At his birthday party they had a really bad fight, he was drunk as hell and angry because she wanted to leave.. he ended up throwing around empty bottles. I heard them. (That is when I left)
Now I see them often at work and they seem quite content and happy even cute together. So I remember this when I see ex and gf, or when I remember when I was with ex and looked happy...
This also made me remember a neighbor... the sweetest doctor you could meet... well after his death we received news that he hit his wife often.. the neighbors heard her screams many nights.
So just to say never believe in the outsides, they are deceiving, and when the party is over..when things don't go right... when addicts are alone with their partners... the truth comes alive... I mean we were there before, WHY O WHY would it be any different NOW?
If you meet someone don't give out your trust easily..... we deserve people that are always true to themselves (just as we are becoming) and that would never ever ever even THINK of resorting to violence in any form.... out of respect to THEMSELVES.
That is the type of person I like to be and what I expect from others. And if I can't get it from others then I will look for new people. Or spend the afternoon playing with my cat!!
Just sharing my thoughts
sadly, in his mind, I became the one with both a drinking and violence problem!
"in his mind" there is much confusion and neurones drowned in alcohol so his opinion does not matter !!
Man, I obsess all the time, seems I'm taking steps... backwards... but when I finally say "who cares, HE does not even know himself" and throw it all away in a great package it rules!
sclarke please work on yourself so you do not end up with a similar person !!
And now I am going to tell you all a story, its very typical. I got a coworker and him and my ex are the most likable, smiley and funny guys on the floor! Also they are the heavier drinkers.... and yes, if you said one of these 150 guys hit someone... these two (in the general opinion) would be the ones who everybody says "we never expected this from HIM, blah blah..."
Well this coworker is going to marry a Japanese woman. Great, huh? He lives just infront of a friend of mine and we have heard their shouts and yelling. At his birthday party they had a really bad fight, he was drunk as hell and angry because she wanted to leave.. he ended up throwing around empty bottles. I heard them. (That is when I left)
Now I see them often at work and they seem quite content and happy even cute together. So I remember this when I see ex and gf, or when I remember when I was with ex and looked happy...
This also made me remember a neighbor... the sweetest doctor you could meet... well after his death we received news that he hit his wife often.. the neighbors heard her screams many nights.
So just to say never believe in the outsides, they are deceiving, and when the party is over..when things don't go right... when addicts are alone with their partners... the truth comes alive... I mean we were there before, WHY O WHY would it be any different NOW?
If you meet someone don't give out your trust easily..... we deserve people that are always true to themselves (just as we are becoming) and that would never ever ever even THINK of resorting to violence in any form.... out of respect to THEMSELVES.
That is the type of person I like to be and what I expect from others. And if I can't get it from others then I will look for new people. Or spend the afternoon playing with my cat!!
Just sharing my thoughts
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Hey Bookwyrm you didn't come on too strong. You were absolutely right. I'm like you - I don't like violence either. I was in shock with myself the three times I did it. He is the only person I've ever acted like that with. I honestly don't try to make myself out to be something that I'm not. Generally I am very laid back - too much so, in his words, which is why I was so shocked he could drive me to this. In his own words though he likes women who will stand up to him and be a challenge.
All I remember doing is apologising over and over and over and over, for days and weeks after but he said it was his fault as he was trying to get a rise out of me the first couple of times.
TC I am working on myself as we speak. Re-reading co-dependent no more and highlighting all the bits which fill me with a sense of calm, and give me the strength to let him go. So once I've finished it, every time I start thinking of him, I can pick out a particular passage and it will remind me how much better off without him I am.
At the weekend I found out he is definitely still drinking and he is also telling lies to his ex - the mother of his children - who doesn't know about his new girlfriend and doesn't know she has met the kids. So now he has the kids lying to their mother.
I know I need to let go of him but in a stupid kind of way I can't at the moment. It seems the more negative stuff I find out about him then the more I try to find out - so that I know I'm better off without. It's weird and I can't explain it but it's like I am clinging on to him - in a bid to catch him out and find out bad stuff about him - so in a way it reinforces in my head everything you guys and my friends think about him being bad and then I find it easier to say I'm better off without him. Does this make sense? It's kind of like tightening my grip to let go a bit easier.
Oh, I know what I mean anyway!!!!
I have computer problems at work and home so haven't been on here all weekend. God I've missed the therapy you all provide.
All I remember doing is apologising over and over and over and over, for days and weeks after but he said it was his fault as he was trying to get a rise out of me the first couple of times.
TC I am working on myself as we speak. Re-reading co-dependent no more and highlighting all the bits which fill me with a sense of calm, and give me the strength to let him go. So once I've finished it, every time I start thinking of him, I can pick out a particular passage and it will remind me how much better off without him I am.
At the weekend I found out he is definitely still drinking and he is also telling lies to his ex - the mother of his children - who doesn't know about his new girlfriend and doesn't know she has met the kids. So now he has the kids lying to their mother.
I know I need to let go of him but in a stupid kind of way I can't at the moment. It seems the more negative stuff I find out about him then the more I try to find out - so that I know I'm better off without. It's weird and I can't explain it but it's like I am clinging on to him - in a bid to catch him out and find out bad stuff about him - so in a way it reinforces in my head everything you guys and my friends think about him being bad and then I find it easier to say I'm better off without him. Does this make sense? It's kind of like tightening my grip to let go a bit easier.
Oh, I know what I mean anyway!!!!
I have computer problems at work and home so haven't been on here all weekend. God I've missed the therapy you all provide.
sclarke, why do you need to "find out more bad things" he is doing? Having read all your posts I think he has done more than enough already to have you cutting ALL ties and never wanting to hear his name or any news of him, again.
While you have him at the forefront of your mind, you give him a sort of power still over you. Until you cut him out of your life entirely, he will continue to hold you back.
Spend time on you and your business, and LET HIM GO.
God bless
While you have him at the forefront of your mind, you give him a sort of power still over you. Until you cut him out of your life entirely, he will continue to hold you back.
Spend time on you and your business, and LET HIM GO.
God bless
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