Hi Bookwyrm

No I do not think it was acceptable. The first time I did it was the day he took coke and threatened to hit me just because I was trying to talk to him in the street. I think that time it was a defence mechanism as I was quite frightened at the time. It was like a reflex. The second and third time was due to him pushing me to emotional breaking point. Again not an excuse but I just wanted his emotional cruelty to stop. These were the only three serious arguments we'd ever had in the whole relationship. Others were petty squabbles I wouldn't rise to. With the first and second times my ex told me he had deliberately pushed me to that point as he hated the fact I never stood up to him and he thought I should. As I said, the one time was when he had taken coke. A few hours later after I'd driven home he actually phoned to apologise to me. The second time was when he had nowhere to stay and I was desperately trying to find him somewhere, even though he'd given up. And he accused me of treating him like a charity case so I felt good about myself. That was when I slapped him. Bizarrely he got straight back in the car and apologised again and said he didn't blame me for the way I'd reacted. I was so numb at the time after I couldn't even speak to him for the first half hour even though he started saying he again did it deliberately to provoke me. Another time when he was saying I was too laid back, etc, he then said, "I know you've got passion, I've seen it, and I just think you should express yourself more often and stand up for what you want." Ironically he said that again just a couple of weeks before we split, so I did start to tell him what I wanted, for him, for me, for us. Days later when he tried to break up the first time, he said: "We've been arguing a bit lately as well..."


Learn2Live and Queenie, I'm so shocked you think he's this dangerous. The only time I ever felt at risk from him in three years was that one time in the street. Having said that I only today remembered the mental health assessment I mentioned earlier - and that said I was at moderate risk. And when I think back to my early days he was in court for harassment of his ex, which the British courts listed under domestic violence.

I honestly hadn't seen him as violent or threatening when we were together. Ironically though since we split up I have been quite scared of bumping into him, due to the menacing text a few weeks ago. Tomorrow I am visiting a friend who lives in the house he used to live in. And a part of me is quite nervous of running into him. Even my sister said if he saw my car about outside the house, shop, or whatever, she believes he would come in and have a go at me. On the other hand I thought he would be more likely to avoid the shop, etc.

It's weird how people's perceptions can differ. I'm not saying I'm right and you both are wrong. I am just saying you're probably right and I'm probably blinkered, naive and looking through rose tints as usual!!

God I have to say these last few posts have really been an eye opener. I really have been blinkered haven't I. Was totally swept away by his charm - too much to see him for what he really was. I love you guys - you have taught and continue to teach me so much!

Queenie,

Here's something I learned that has gone and continues to go a VERY long way in my Recovery:

Given that it seems you feel bad for your physical behavior towards this person, your personal values (and morals) probably include "I do not wish to harm other people."

When you act in opposition to your personal values, no matter what the situation, you negatively affect your own self-esteem.

I have to remind myself of my own values and morals at least every week.

And this is the man you're pining over? It sounds like he was playing with you - like one of my cats with a spider. So cruel. Why did you keep going back for more?

I abhor violence towards anyone. It just isn't justified except in self defence. Sorry if I came on too strong.

queenie said:


sadly, in his mind, I became the one with both a drinking and violence problem!

"in his mind" there is much confusion and neurones drowned in alcohol so his opinion does not matter :) !!

Man, I obsess all the time, seems I'm taking steps... backwards... but when I finally say "who cares, HE does not even know himself" and throw it all away in a great package it rules!


sclarke please work on yourself so you do not end up with a similar person !!

And now I am going to tell you all a story, its very typical. I got a coworker and him and my ex are the most likable, smiley and funny guys on the floor! Also they are the heavier drinkers.... and yes, if you said one of these 150 guys hit someone... these two (in the general opinion) would be the ones who everybody says "we never expected this from HIM, blah blah..."

Well this coworker is going to marry a Japanese woman. Great, huh? He lives just infront of a friend of mine and we have heard their shouts and yelling. At his birthday party they had a really bad fight, he was drunk as hell and angry because she wanted to leave.. he ended up throwing around empty bottles. I heard them. (That is when I left)

Now I see them often at work and they seem quite content and happy even cute together. So I remember this when I see ex and gf, or when I remember when I was with ex and looked happy...

This also made me remember a neighbor... the sweetest doctor you could meet... well after his death we received news that he hit his wife often.. the neighbors heard her screams many nights.

So just to say never believe in the outsides, they are deceiving, and when the party is over..when things don't go right... when addicts are alone with their partners... the truth comes alive... I mean we were there before, WHY O WHY would it be any different NOW?

If you meet someone don't give out your trust easily..... we deserve people that are always true to themselves (just as we are becoming) and that would never ever ever even THINK of resorting to violence in any form.... out of respect to THEMSELVES.

That is the type of person I like to be and what I expect from others. And if I can't get it from others then I will look for new people. Or spend the afternoon playing with my cat!!

Just sharing my thoughts

Hey Bookwyrm you didn't come on too strong. You were absolutely right. I'm like you - I don't like violence either. I was in shock with myself the three times I did it. He is the only person I've ever acted like that with. I honestly don't try to make myself out to be something that I'm not. Generally I am very laid back - too much so, in his words, which is why I was so shocked he could drive me to this. In his own words though he likes women who will stand up to him and be a challenge.

All I remember doing is apologising over and over and over and over, for days and weeks after but he said it was his fault as he was trying to get a rise out of me the first couple of times.

TC I am working on myself as we speak. Re-reading co-dependent no more and highlighting all the bits which fill me with a sense of calm, and give me the strength to let him go. So once I've finished it, every time I start thinking of him, I can pick out a particular passage and it will remind me how much better off without him I am.

At the weekend I found out he is definitely still drinking and he is also telling lies to his ex - the mother of his children - who doesn't know about his new girlfriend and doesn't know she has met the kids. So now he has the kids lying to their mother.

I know I need to let go of him but in a stupid kind of way I can't at the moment. It seems the more negative stuff I find out about him then the more I try to find out - so that I know I'm better off without. It's weird and I can't explain it but it's like I am clinging on to him - in a bid to catch him out and find out bad stuff about him - so in a way it reinforces in my head everything you guys and my friends think about him being bad and then I find it easier to say I'm better off without him. Does this make sense? It's kind of like tightening my grip to let go a bit easier.

Oh, I know what I mean anyway!!!!

I have computer problems at work and home so haven't been on here all weekend. God I've missed the therapy you all provide.

sclarke, why do you need to "find out more bad things" he is doing? Having read all your posts I think he has done more than enough already to have you cutting ALL ties and never wanting to hear his name or any news of him, again.

While you have him at the forefront of your mind, you give him a sort of power still over you. Until you cut him out of your life entirely, he will continue to hold you back.

Spend time on you and your business, and LET HIM GO.

God bless