Newcomer looking for some answers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2
Newcomer looking for some answers
I am new to this board and I can't begin to tell all of you how helpful it has been. I had a girlfriend of almost 3 years who has a drinking problem and things have pretty much been coming to a head for months now and finally hit the breaking point two month ago. She lost her job and had nothing to fill her time so she was drinking more than ever. Our relationship had always revolved around drinking, and now it seemed like if we wanted to work things out we needed to stop drinking and I told her this and she was not receptive to the idea. So things pretty much stayed the same until I found out that she was sleeping with some other guy she met at the bar and when I confronted her she said she was going to change so I stayed with her. I still didn't see her drinking as the issue. She continued drinking, and seemed to be more and more resentful towards me and she kept telling me that I don't love her for who she is and she needs to find someone who can love her fully including all her flaws. Finally I said we should stop seeing each other because things were not working and she quickly agreed with me. I found out a few days later that she met an old friend at the bar and she immediately started seeing him as the new boyfriend. She also gathered her "friends" from the bar to be her support group to tell her how great of a person she is and she didn't need negative influences like me in her life. I pretty much went into panic mode at the thought of losing her forever and I took blame for so many things. I can see now that I never made her drink or was causing her to feel like less of a person. I was very depressed one night and I found her at the bar to talk to her and told her if drinking was not such a large issue in our lives, things would have been different and she said she likes who she is, including the drinking. At that point she walked away and never said another word. She never even contacted me to see how
I was doing.
I am seeing a therapist now, and I am much better than I was before, but I am still in a lot of pain. We always told each other that we would be best friends no matter what, and when I needed her the most she just walked away and never looked back. I have been told by many people that I dodged a bullet and my life would have been miserable with her, but I do still love her. It seems like all I read is the person must hit rock bottom before they realize the trouble they are in. Is there anything else that can be done than to just walk away? So now she is surrounded by people who like to drink as much as she does and support her lifestyle and I am on the outside as the person that treated her poorly. I am so hurt by all the things she did to me, but at the same time the hardest thing I ever had to do is just walk away. It's hard to believe that after all we have been through she could just walk away and find someone new in one day and just keep hitting the bar like nothing ever happened.
I was doing.
I am seeing a therapist now, and I am much better than I was before, but I am still in a lot of pain. We always told each other that we would be best friends no matter what, and when I needed her the most she just walked away and never looked back. I have been told by many people that I dodged a bullet and my life would have been miserable with her, but I do still love her. It seems like all I read is the person must hit rock bottom before they realize the trouble they are in. Is there anything else that can be done than to just walk away? So now she is surrounded by people who like to drink as much as she does and support her lifestyle and I am on the outside as the person that treated her poorly. I am so hurt by all the things she did to me, but at the same time the hardest thing I ever had to do is just walk away. It's hard to believe that after all we have been through she could just walk away and find someone new in one day and just keep hitting the bar like nothing ever happened.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome,John.
You are in a good place here. I'm sorry for the hurt and pain you suffer now. You should not for a moment believe you should feel anything other than pain. You have suffered a deep loss and pain is the only emotion one could expect.
Why is she seemingly doing so well? Because as an addict, she is numb. You are blessed to be fully human and capable of deep love and also tremendous grief.
She is numb. The range and depth of human feeling is no longer available to her.
Even if people say you dodged a bullet (oh, how many of us have heard that from well-meaning friends), your heart cannot listen to the logic of that. It is broken and that is what has sent you into depression and therapy.
You ask if there is anything else that can be done than to just walk away? The sad fact of addiction is that release is medicine. Release can get you well and it gives her a better chance of getting well, too.
It hurts to be so agonizingly powerless and so much in love with someone who cuts you off cold.
You will get through this, you will be stronger, you will mature like you never have before, and you will know for sure what your standards are for love.
Take care. stay connected, and feel what you feel. It is a blessing to be fully human.
Bluejay
You are in a good place here. I'm sorry for the hurt and pain you suffer now. You should not for a moment believe you should feel anything other than pain. You have suffered a deep loss and pain is the only emotion one could expect.
Why is she seemingly doing so well? Because as an addict, she is numb. You are blessed to be fully human and capable of deep love and also tremendous grief.
She is numb. The range and depth of human feeling is no longer available to her.
Even if people say you dodged a bullet (oh, how many of us have heard that from well-meaning friends), your heart cannot listen to the logic of that. It is broken and that is what has sent you into depression and therapy.
You ask if there is anything else that can be done than to just walk away? The sad fact of addiction is that release is medicine. Release can get you well and it gives her a better chance of getting well, too.
It hurts to be so agonizingly powerless and so much in love with someone who cuts you off cold.
You will get through this, you will be stronger, you will mature like you never have before, and you will know for sure what your standards are for love.
Take care. stay connected, and feel what you feel. It is a blessing to be fully human.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi john-
i agree with bluejay. for the alcoholic, if things get difficult or they are hurt, they always have their magic cure...drink!
for the rest of us, we experience our emotions and hurt. i am glad to hear that you are in therapy and facing your emotions in a healthy, healing way.
alcoholics can be quite quick to find another enabler. she obviously isn't finished drinking yet and you were beginning to get in the way of that. it makes sense that she would walk and also, that she would find another enabler right away.
mine did the same and it was very painful to me. mine actually got another enabler while we were still living together and didn't bother to tell me.
take this time to get stronger. i would imagine that isn't the last you've heard from her, so i hope you take this time of respite to build up your armour.
naive
i agree with bluejay. for the alcoholic, if things get difficult or they are hurt, they always have their magic cure...drink!
for the rest of us, we experience our emotions and hurt. i am glad to hear that you are in therapy and facing your emotions in a healthy, healing way.
alcoholics can be quite quick to find another enabler. she obviously isn't finished drinking yet and you were beginning to get in the way of that. it makes sense that she would walk and also, that she would find another enabler right away.
mine did the same and it was very painful to me. mine actually got another enabler while we were still living together and didn't bother to tell me.
take this time to get stronger. i would imagine that isn't the last you've heard from her, so i hope you take this time of respite to build up your armour.
naive
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi John, you're in a good place here, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is a horrible feeling to feel that you've been rejected by a loved one for something like drinking. We've all been there and can relate.
A few years ago my father-in-law got into some pyramid selling products. And it seemed that whenever we tried to tell him it was all a scam, he had some sort of comeback - even when I showed him websites that talked about the products as a scam and that the company had legal troubles against them! When my h commented about how his dad could be so blind, I had insight that I should have had with my h's drinking - if his father took our words to heart, then it meant he got taken, that he was a fool, that he'd failed in his attempts to make some money. No one wants to admit these things, and can and will go to any length to protect themselves. I believe this to be the case with h's drinking. He admits to me now (sober 8 months) that he didn't want to deal with anything - our crumbling relationship, his personal feelings of failure - and so it was easier to just take a drink and pretend that everything is fun and games. And, after the first few drinks, those feelings subside and you do feel good - until then next morning when everything floods back again and sets him up for the next drinking session.
Your gf likes the status quo because it doesn't force her to face some difficult truths. And this is such a powerful thing for drinkers that they will do terrible things to those around them, so they can continue their path. There is nothing you can do to stop her - this is what she wants, and she is an adult and can do what she wants. My suggestion to you is to put one foot in front of the other, and plod forward on your own path. This is the healthiest thing you can do.
A few years ago my father-in-law got into some pyramid selling products. And it seemed that whenever we tried to tell him it was all a scam, he had some sort of comeback - even when I showed him websites that talked about the products as a scam and that the company had legal troubles against them! When my h commented about how his dad could be so blind, I had insight that I should have had with my h's drinking - if his father took our words to heart, then it meant he got taken, that he was a fool, that he'd failed in his attempts to make some money. No one wants to admit these things, and can and will go to any length to protect themselves. I believe this to be the case with h's drinking. He admits to me now (sober 8 months) that he didn't want to deal with anything - our crumbling relationship, his personal feelings of failure - and so it was easier to just take a drink and pretend that everything is fun and games. And, after the first few drinks, those feelings subside and you do feel good - until then next morning when everything floods back again and sets him up for the next drinking session.
Your gf likes the status quo because it doesn't force her to face some difficult truths. And this is such a powerful thing for drinkers that they will do terrible things to those around them, so they can continue their path. There is nothing you can do to stop her - this is what she wants, and she is an adult and can do what she wants. My suggestion to you is to put one foot in front of the other, and plod forward on your own path. This is the healthiest thing you can do.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
"I found out a few days later that she met an old friend at the bar and she immediately started seeing him as the new boyfriend. She also gathered her "friends" from the bar to be her support group to tell her how great of a person she is and she didn't need negative influences like me in her life"
My take... Her main love is the bottle, others enable her, you don't. Therefore she has no use for you. Take care of yourself... You deserve better.
My take... Her main love is the bottle, others enable her, you don't. Therefore she has no use for you. Take care of yourself... You deserve better.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
When I arrived here I seeked answers and was totally heartbroken when others told me I was powerless, and I knew I could do nothing in regards to the horrible words and actions and how I parted ways with an alcoholic boyfriend. So I know words cant do much to make you feel better. ((((((HUGS)))))))
Answers>>
She did not find a bf, she found an enabler, someone to cover up her drinking and make drinking ok, just like you did before.
She is an addict, that is what addicts do. She did not do this TO YOU. She only cares about booze, her one true love, whoever disagrees is out. Yes, just like that.
Its normal to expect reactions, talks, some "closure" as we get in other breakups but with addicts its a completely different universe... it hurt me so much to keep expecting stuff from an alcoholic and knowing he was already with someone new. I felt betrayed and invisible.
Now I expect him to keep drinking and ignore anyone who does not applaud his vices and that is exactly what I get. I stayed in SR and noticed all of what he did is the usual Modus Operandi of an addict. It was not my fault. I do not own what he did. I could not have prevented he was not a social drinker like me.
Be good to yourself, I am you, only one year after this happened. It gets better even if you don't feel like it, and one day you will realize you are blessed to be alive taking life as it is, blessed for not understanding addiction because you are not an addict yourself, blessed you are free from someone capable of inflicting this hurt you feel and SO MUCH MORE.
This hurt is finite and it will heal and subside. She will no longer make you feel more pain. Not anymore.
Mourning takes time, healing takes time and effort, but in the end you will be more in love with the New you, a wiser person that has more clarity about where Love resides and where it doesn't.
All the best to you.
Answers>>
She did not find a bf, she found an enabler, someone to cover up her drinking and make drinking ok, just like you did before.
She is an addict, that is what addicts do. She did not do this TO YOU. She only cares about booze, her one true love, whoever disagrees is out. Yes, just like that.
Its normal to expect reactions, talks, some "closure" as we get in other breakups but with addicts its a completely different universe... it hurt me so much to keep expecting stuff from an alcoholic and knowing he was already with someone new. I felt betrayed and invisible.
Now I expect him to keep drinking and ignore anyone who does not applaud his vices and that is exactly what I get. I stayed in SR and noticed all of what he did is the usual Modus Operandi of an addict. It was not my fault. I do not own what he did. I could not have prevented he was not a social drinker like me.
Be good to yourself, I am you, only one year after this happened. It gets better even if you don't feel like it, and one day you will realize you are blessed to be alive taking life as it is, blessed for not understanding addiction because you are not an addict yourself, blessed you are free from someone capable of inflicting this hurt you feel and SO MUCH MORE.
This hurt is finite and it will heal and subside. She will no longer make you feel more pain. Not anymore.
Mourning takes time, healing takes time and effort, but in the end you will be more in love with the New you, a wiser person that has more clarity about where Love resides and where it doesn't.
All the best to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
Its normal to expect reactions, talks, some "closure" as we get in other breakups but with addicts its a completely different universe... it hurt me so much to keep expecting stuff from an alcoholic and knowing he was already with someone new. I felt betrayed and invisible.
Thank you to everyone here, your words helped me from feeling down and going insane.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
In the days and weeks ahead, post whenever you need to share and get some support. We are so wounded and shocked, in situations like yours, and we need help. Help is here for you.
Bluejay
Bluejay
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by anvilhead
. should be noted that in order to have a discussion with her about her DRINKING you had to first track her down in a BAR. i remember when a certain bar SEEMED more like my home than my home. why? cuz of all the booze. about the only "discussion" i had with anybody about drinking was who was buying the next round.
As a bartender, I was the eye candy behind the bar who was hired to manipulate professional manipulators. I was taught to be the customers best friends and I learned to be their enablers. I would listen to ALL of their problems and then just convince them to pour away their sorrows. I would always tell them that they were right, everyone else was wrong, and then harrass them to have another drink and just stay. I cant tell you how many times wives or men would come in flipping out to find their alcoholic. And we would just laugh, call them psycho, and tell the alcoholic to make sure they came back "home" tomorrow because they were right and their spouse was wrong.
Why did we do this? Because all of the bartenders were addicts. And we were all manipulators who were oblivious to our addictions. We wanted the alcoholics money and their paycheck to fund OUR addictions. And it was so funny because the customers really thought that we were their friends. We didn't care about them. WE JUST WANTED THEIR MONEY!! And in all honesty, alcoholics "friends" do not care about them either. I witnessed friends hooking up with their "best friends" husband, friends stealing money off the bar when their friends were drunk, and the chaos goes on and on.
How can anyone in their right mind honestly call a place like that home?
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