Please tell me I will get through this! I told my abusive AH on Friday that the marriage was over. He reacted as I expected, with verbal abuse which escalated to harassment and confrontation in front of the kids yesterday. He said he would not cooperate, not agree to anything and definitely not move out. He made it clear he would make everything as difficult as possible for me and is trying to intimidate me. I saw the lawyer yesterday and was quite disappointed - not what I expected! I was back to square one today but my therapist provided me with a contact for a lawyer that she said was excellent. I hope I'll have better luck and will be able to move to the next step in the process which is to try to get him out of the house. The kids seem to be ok with the separation news. I felt they were generally supportive. I've tried to reassure them as much as possible. This is all coming at a terrible time as they start school this week. My AH at one point suggested we take turns with alternate weeks staying at the house with the kids but I can't do that - I can't imagine agreeing to leave them for one week out of two with an abusive father. I'm totally exhausted from the past few days and need to know this will all be worth it from those who've been down this road before. |
Oh Venice, I'm sorry that this is so hard on you right now. I promise it does get better. Right now he is acting out and trying everything and anything to get his life back to normal. He just wants everyone to shut up, get off his case and go back to your rooms and let him drink, eat, sh!t in peace. He goes from saying he won't cooperate to suggesting house sharing?? He'll be all over the place with quacking! I was a basket case after my first conversation with a lawyer. Wrong lawyer! He had me convinced that I couldn't afford to divorce my alcoholic. It would be an expensive, long legal battle. I couldn't finish our consultation I was crying so hard (phone consultation arranged through work program), I said through my tears: "You're telling me I have to spend the rest of my life married to an alcoholic!" After I calmed down, slept, SR'd, and got my head on straight; I got angry. I'll file for bankruptcy. I'll live in a one bedroom efficiency and ride my bike to work. I'll go back to working 2 jobs. I'll live on peanut butter and jelly, again! But I will not stay married to an alcoholic! I was not going to let a stranger tell me what was best for my life and my children. Hopefully, you will have better results with your next lawyer. In your case, the timing may be good for the children. They will be in school, distracted, hanging with their peeps and stepping out of the negative energy pool for a few hours each day, right? I'm concerned about your safety. Do you keep your cell phone with you in the house? Do you keep some items stashed in your car in case you need to leave in a hurry? Please take care of yourself. One Day At A Time! |
Oh yes, you will make it through this, and you'll be OK. (been down that road). If your AH is physically abusive, or has that on his record by chance... you can use that to get him out of the home. Get a restraining order. I got one that lasts for 4 years! (It's bliss!) Try not to worry about all the details all at once. One step at a time, and keep your eye on the goal... which is happiness and freedom! |
yes, you'll get through this, venice. one thing i find i can count on, is that alcoholics say a lot of things, but do very few of them. see, that would require a clear head, planning, organization and some work. i wouldn't pay much mind to his threats, you just keep working your plan and turning it over to your higher power. i hope it goes well with the second lawyer. |
Venice, Yes, you will get through this.. .the toughest part, you have already done. .. you made a decision to "take care of you". That in itself is a big step . . . like everyone said "pay no mind" to all the crap that's coming out of his mouth. . . He IS trying to intimidate you but just ignore him. ..and no don't fall for sharing every other week w/ the kids. . .that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard a guy say to his wife .. ... I've been down this road too. . .about the 1st lawyer, had the same thing happen (different situation) the lawyer had me crying so hard , I was crying so hard and shaking and hyperventilating before I even got to the elevator... Your lawyer sounds like vicitimized you all over again by not helping you. The 2nd lawyer I got was the sweetest, nicest helpful lawyer I've ever met. They're not all the same. If you got the courage to make a decision to get divorced. . you can do anything . . . .take a deep breath, don't listen to anything that comes out of AH's mouth . .. .. Just tell him when he starts giving you crap . . just say "AH, GUILT BY MANIPULATION" and tell him you're not going to listen or reason w/ the alcohol. .PERIOD .. He's just talking ... . .he can talk the talk , but good chance he's not going to walk the walk. . . . .not to be funny, but if you can get some cheap HIGH boots at salvation army, just put them on when he opens his mouth becuase it's all "sh*T" and putting the boots on will remind you. . .you gotta have a little humor to get you throug this. He's so unhappy, he wants to bring you down with him. . you're too smart for that. . ...alcoholics think the world should center around them and they are faultless and invincible . .. been there done that, becuase I used to be one. . . .I said all kinds of things when I was mad and didn't get my way, I never meant any of them. . alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. . but that doens't mean that HE is . .. . everything will turn out . .. one day at a time .. He's trying to guilt you with intimidation .. it's just a tactic that he's trying on you.. ..don't fall hook, line and sinker for it. may you have peace during this storm . .... Just keep your mind on the goal . . . .getting away from him. If he threatens you physically or lays ONE hand on you just ONE time you can get a PFA (restraining order) against him and he'll have to leave the home and then you can think straight without having to listen to his babble. . peace be with you. |
You'll get through this! You live with an alcoholic you can do anything!!! Whatever happens you know that it has to end up better then where your headed now. In the end you'll be glad you did and your saving your kids too!!! Hugs....:c011: |
Pelican, Thank you. Hopefully, you will have better results with your next lawyer. In your case, the timing may be good for the children. They will be in school, distracted, hanging with their peeps and stepping out of the negative energy pool for a few hours each day, right? I'm concerned about your safety. Do you keep your cell phone with you in the house? Do you keep some items stashed in your car in case you need to leave in a hurry? Thanks for the words of support. |
Deb, Thank you so much. the toughest part, you have already done. .. you made a decision to "take care of you". but if you can get some cheap HIGH boots at salvation army, just put them on when he opens his mouth becuase it's all "sh*T" and putting the boots on will remind you. He's so unhappy, he wants to bring you down with him. . you're too smart for that. |
Hi Venice. Thanks for the update. Yours is a loaded post but I only have time for one comment. I told my abusive AH on Friday that the marriage was over. He reacted as I expected, with verbal abuse which escalated to harassment and confrontation in front of the kids yesterday. He said he would not cooperate, not agree to anything and definitely not move out. He made it clear he would make everything as difficult as possible for me and is trying to intimidate me. My first suggestion is, when you are planning to discuss things with him is make sure he is sober when you do so. This is inconvenient, yes, but probably the most effective. Second, keep in mind where he is coming from. He may not just be trying to be difficult and get back at you. He is probably VERY scared of the future. Whenever a person yells, it means they are scared. He has no program, so he is not practicing the tools he needs to be able to handle life at a healthy level. So, try not to approach him with so much reality. Yes, you may be completely fed up and ready to move on. But he is not. So, try to soften it a little, for only your own sake and your own sanity. You don't need to feel sorry for him. But know how much he can emotionally handle and try to adjust your words, their presentation, and the reality you are painting to him, and be reassuring. It's kind of like talking to a three-year old. And I don't mean that in a mean way. I hope some of this makes sense and that it is helpful or useful. Hang tough. You can do this. |
You have a great mindset, your determination comes through in every word you write. I am praying you'll find a better lawyer. Couple of thoughts -- if he pushed you and the police didn't arrest him, make sure the attorney knows this, in many states all you need to prove is that he makes you feel physically threatened. Since he is alcoholic and abusive, you most definitely have grounds for a restraining order. If you can get one, of course he will have to leave the home. Your therapist's written statement should buy you a lot of credibility. You may want to request for an emergency custody hearing to get sole custody of the kids with his drinking as a factor. If he's actively drinking,he shouldn't have unspervised time with the kids, particularly if he is hostile toward you. You're in my thoughts, praying that things go as peacefully as they possibly can for you and your kids. |
Your therapist's written statement should buy you a lot of credibility. Thank you for your words of encouragement. |
Learn2Live, Thank you and I think what you're saying is very true. I tried to be reassuring when we had the "divorce" discussion but I think the whole thing was just too much for him. I'll keep your words of advice in mind next time we talk. It's funny but I've been thinking for a while now that he doesn't actually love me, it feels more like he needs me and he thinks he loves me but it's more of a dependency thing for him. |
Hey Venice, I've had to learn that love is a feeling. It's fleeting, it passes, it wanes, it grows, it flees, it returns, it's never static. It's like Love is moody sometimes. Love is a wave, sometimes it's tall and strong, sometimes it's low and weak, but it ebbs and flows like the ocean and it's always changing, but it's always there. I know it feels like he doesn't love you and that he doesn't care about you. But I honestly don't believe this. You had and raised your children together, you've built a life together, a home together and although it hasn't been the way you might have wanted it to be (we would ALL appreciate it "they" were more responsible and participate in things, even the non-alcoholic men) but he does have feelings for you, I'm sure of it. He just may not be able to do anything about those feelings. I'm sure he is sad about it too. I'm sure he is frustrated and angry at himself and feels shame, no matter what he says about this divorce, or how he says it. I know it's hard to talk to them. Good Lord, I don't know how my Mother even LIVES in the same house with my Dad, much less TALK to him. But what's best for you may be to do what my big sister taught me. Talk to them like they're a small one whose feelings you don't want to hurt. Or a puppy. That makes it harder for them to be mean and nasty, and forces them to look at their own behavior and how THEY speak to YOU, when you are not "acting out" in anger and frustration. |
Originally Posted by Venice
(Post 2344336)
Cowgirl, I'm not sure what you mean by this? Thank you for your words of encouragement. Still...if there is any mental health professional in your life that is aware of his abusiveness and would provide a written statement...it could help. |
Just sending love and support as you take this courageous stand. xx Bluejay |
Originally Posted by Venice
(Post 2343593)
need to know this will all be worth it from those who've been down this road before. It's best for the kids to stay in their familiar home and familiar neighborhood with their familiar friends. But you're not dealing with a logical mature adult. Your dealing with a selfish bully with a serious drinking problem and a disturbing history of abuse. You might not have a choice but to move out with the kids to a place in the same school district or try to get a judge to give you sole use of the marital home. That would take a lawyer, evidence of abuse, a court date and money. |
Doing it right now, except he kicked me out on Sunday, and I ran with the chance. Having the kids in school while trying to find an apartment, social services, etc. has helped greatly. They've been less concerned about everything as a result. I haven't filed yet, mostly because I have just enough cash to pay the deposit on an apartment. I am moving(staying with my sister right now) about 20 miles away from where he is now, so that's helping too. Be strong! You can do this, I know I'm relieved that I did. |
Still...if there is any mental health professional in your life that is aware of his abusiveness and would provide a written statement...it could help. |
Not yes but hell yes it's worth it. I'm here to tell you it gets better, but know it might get worse first. You might not have a choice but to move out with the kids to a place in the same school district or try to get a judge to give you sole use of the marital home. That would take a lawyer, evidence of abuse, a court date and money. |
Pixilation, I'll be even more relieved when we're living apart. Thank you and good luck to you! |
Venice, I was exactely in your shoes 2 years ago when I left AH. He sent me a very professional email to let me know that 1- he was not moving out 2- the house was the kids' house and therefore, there was no way they were moving out. 3- I was the one with a problem, therefore, I was the one who had to move out. He threatened to get a guy quite influencial in local politics as his lawyer to back his case. He threatened all kinds of things. In the end, I just told him I was leaving WITH the kids, and he didn't do anything to stop me which really surprised me a bit. But in hindsight, he probably still had hope I would come back so his manipulation for once played in my favour. Now, 2 years later, after he saw I wasn't coming back, he went to a pseudo rehab, still smokes pot, drinks "occasionally". And all the hard work is about to start to finalise the divorce proceedings.... It's all so hard but anyway, I am accumulating hard core evidence that the guy is not fit to have a 50/50 cistody arrangment in place. |
I have to go back a read all of these when time permits. i have no advice as i am still in the "church" stage. They made the meeting Sept 4. AHHHHHH!!! I asked for an earlier date and the only date they had was impossible for me to go. This was set in the end of July!!!! If we could agree we were not going to use lawyers. I am so ready to get out I am willing to take his deal. But patients is probably needed on my part. I am all for the 30 day process that can been done when 2 agree and do the paper work themselves. Which would mean meeting on Sept 4 and divorce about a month later and him out of the house.:-) However, it may be wiser to get everything I know I can. Even though i have not advice I still know you can get through this. It will come to an end quicker then remaining married for the rest of your life, which would be the other option to "get through". :-) And documenting should be....lets say more full, as it seems there is a pattern of the longer marriages to the "functionals" of them going off the wall when we tell them we are getting a divorce. I call it the 8 weeks of hell right after i announced I was divorcing him. Ummm, and then i gave him the chance he wanted and went through it again after he started drinking after a couple of sober days and AA. You can do it. And I would advice, :-), don't be like me and not call 911 if he threatens something stupid or crazy, even to himself. I missed my chance to get him out of the house, a right there and right them moment. ( However, if i was working with a lawyer instead of waiting on the elder request I believe I could still use that information to get him out.) I am curious if anyone who owned/mortagage their home did the non-lawyer approach and how that worked out during and afterwards? ( I need to go back and read this entire thread so if it was covered i will see it later.) |
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