Grayson

I am new to this... My husband is a brand new recovering alcoholic. 23 days sober. I'm not a drinker, so it is hard for me to relate. I am very proud of his abstinence, however, he is not being very nice to me. I think he resents me because I initiated/suggested/asked if he would consider outpatient rehab (which he did). When he is not so nice to me, I've asked him if I did something to upset him. He told me he is depressed, misses beer, doesn't want to get drunk, but has nothing to look forward to. (Thanks a lot ... he has a pretty new wife at home who adores him and would like to spend more quality time with him and his boys). I asked if he was mad at me because I was the one who initiated him to seek help. He hesitated and said he was not "mad", but..... then didn't finish. We have only been married 16 months (2nd marriages for us). I didn't realize he had a drinking problem before we married. I left a job of 24 years, my family, my home, and friends to move to him to be his wife and a step-mom to his boys. I took on a part time family too (2 boys). I love all three of them very much. I was raised to take care of your family, so I dote on all of them. I know I am a people pleaser to a fault, have my own issues, but bend over backwards to make him happy and I feel like (now that he is not drinking) he doesn't like me. I don't get it.

I feel like I have been a trooper throughout the past year or so. He binge drinks and acts inappropriately when drunk (i.e. texting other women, going on porn chat sites). We have almost no intimate life.... He claims he has a very low sex drive, but when he drinks, he looks for attention elsewhere. This I don't understand since he has a loving wife at home who is willing, able and ready.

I have tried "live" Al Anon meetings a couple of times, but can't seem to make myself go. They are too late in the evening and I get upset when I go.

Is what we are going thru normal? Will he become less resentful the further along he gets in his recovery? I have started reading Al Anon's book One Day at a Time, and I'm trying not to have my Marter (sp?) face on when I come home, but my feelings are very hurt.

Any advice would certainly be appreciated.

Still Waters

Early sobriety is difficult, from what I've read and been told. So yeah, I would guess his behavior is normal. That said, it's never okay for him to treat you badly.

Have you considered individual therapy? It was very helpful for me.

MissFixit

Alcoholism is cunning and baffling. It makes no sense. Most of us have tried to figure it out, but I don't think anyone can. It is an addiction to a substance that changes your brain and body chemistry.

With that said, you cannot control him or his moods. You can only control your actions.

What can you do for yourself that is positive?

bluejay6

What a sad marriage. I'm so sorry.

You may not be able to hang in there for the first year to 18 months of his sobriety. It may be too painful. He sounds intensely selfish, self-centered, resentful, punishing, and a big self-pitying baby. He sounds like a classic alcoholic. Dry or not.

Don't confuse your normal reaction of hurt, loneliness, confusion, and insecurity with a "martyr" complex. You are not inventing things to suffer over. They are happening. It is real and your response is normal.

I don't think I could hang on, living in the same house. I can't bear an unhappy household. And the texting other women would have had me out the door in a heartbeat. But you will be able to make your choices as you get more information on life with addiction, active or not.

I once married, many many years ago, an alcoholic and also did not know before the marriage (there were signs but I didn't have the experience to recognize them). The alcoholism unveiled itself after we married and I lasted two years, waiting for sobriety and peace that never came.

I am so very sorry for his boys. The children suffer terribly. If he returns to active drinking while you are still there, and they have a participating mother in their life, she should be informed.

Stay connected to recovering people. You are going to need them.

Bluejay

Grayson

Thank you to all of you for your responses. I think I do need to get into some individual therapy... it is just expensive. As far as his boys, he actually sat down and told him he had a drinking problem and was in rehab and told them that they might have the predisposition to have a problem as well. I thought that was a big step in him acknowledging his own problem. Their mother does know as well. I have a good relationship with her. Thing is, she likes to drink too. Not sure how much. I think she is just a social drinker. He really is a good guy and I'm not ready to give up on our marriage. I just need to talk to others who can relate. When we married, I thought this was my fairytale, happily ever after. I'm hoping it still can be one day. I appreciate you all for reaching out.

Cowgirl1265

Grayson, many therapists have sliding scales and are willing to work with clients. Besides, spending some money to love and help yourself is a good investment. We tend to make everything about caring for the alcoholic or troubled spouse, hoping they will change so that we will all feel better. The reality is that when we do that, feeling better will never, ever happen. We will only feel better/happier/more peaceful when we focus on ourselves.

If Al-Anon meetings are too late, look for Codependents Anonymous, Families Anonymous or any of the other 12 step groups for codependents. You will get the same value and having a larger selection of groups to look at might help you find one that meets at a convenient time for you.

Hugs to you, this is a tough time.

Mark75

I am the RAH. My wife and I are celebrating our 25 year anniversary in 2 weeks...

If he is really working a program of recovery... AA.... doing the steps, being rigorously honest with himself, getting a sponsor.... He will

You can't do that for him, but if he's doing those things, you have a good chance of having a happy, loving marriage... But these next few months won't be easy... Take care of yourself, that's what you can do.

Mark

Grayson

Cowgirl1265: Thank you for the advice. I didn't realize there were other support groups out there. I will see if there are any in my area. Am also thnking about individual counseling.

Cuble75: Thank you to you too.. It is engouraging to hear that a relationship can continue on a happy note. H is doing great with his outpatient rehab...just very self centered and crabby which I get the brunt end of. I am going to try to start working on myself. Might even take a little road trip by myself to Savannah this weekend!

I never knew how hard this was going to be. I guess I'm very naive.

Everyones' support is very much appreciated .

Freedom1990

We all had to start educating ourselves somewhere, and I think you just need to learn more about alcoholism, and start working on your own recovery. We who have loved an alcoholic, whether it be spouse, child, sibling, etc. have been affected by the disease.

What people don't realize is that the drinking is only a symptom. Drinking was my solution in life for many years (I am also a recovering alcoholic). The problem for me was coping with life on life's terms.

If I quit drinking, but don't address the underlying motives/causes for drinking, then I'm nothing but a dry drunk. My attitudes still stink, and my emotions are all over the place.

For me, I had to address alcoholism in three ways...physical (abstaining), mental, and spiritual.

That was the only way I could make the changes necessary to not only stay sober, but to readjust my attitudes and behaviors.

Make any sense?

See if you can't get your hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie in addition to looking for other 12 step meetings.

:ghug2

FreeingMyself

My husband is not in recovery...but cut back and he is meaner than ever to me...I don't get any of it. We also have been married only 16months....we seperated because he was still drinking just yesterday, I wish you the best....just take care of your needs and do your best to realize that it is not your fault....