Electa

Hello All:

Some kind person this morning replied to my earlier post with this great quote. I know this is what I want to do when I talk with my daughter. Has anyone out there come across a useful article, or does anyone have some suggestions for how one might express one's honest reactions to certain things without being "mean".

For instance, in the course of my phone conversations with our daughter (always initiated by her, not me), she regularly tells me things that make me WANT to express what I want to say, such as:


"Seems to me you are living in a fantasy world"

"Seems to me you don't really want to go back to college, because a simple-minded investigation of the college's admittance policies would have clued you into the fact you were going to be refused admission this term"

"Do you have a plan B in place for the time when your "best friend" realizes you are using her and throw you out of her home?"

Or, do I continue to do what I've been doing, and say nothing?

Electa

ItsmeAlice

I eventually saw the futility in trying to 'talk sense' to my ABF. I had to learn to let that need go.

Even though suppressing those thoughts and biting one's tongue is a job in itself, think of all the energy you have probably expended along the way trying to get her to see reality. Telling her how what she was doing was hurtful to herself or others. Telling her how things are not really as she sees them. If it hasn't worked up until now, the energy spent was hardly worth it, right? Apply that energy and willpower to detaching yourself from the emotional pull into her drama and saying as little as possible.

I became much more practiced at changing the subject. Saying noncommital responses like "Oh, I see." "Oh, keep me posted on that." "Hope that works out for you." "Ok, gotta go." When you fail to engage in the conversation and lecture them in any way they do get tired of talking to you.

When it came to not expressing sarcasm or irritation in my benign statements, that took a considerable great amount of restraint. I can be rather acid-tongued. I had to practice out loud before having a conversation with XABF. Meditation techniques were helpful as well. It gave me practice at clearing my head and getting centered. Then when sarcasm began to bubble up, I could take a breath and let it pass without expressing it to him.

When you have an outlet for negative energy (exercise, meditation, digging in the garden, Tai chi etc) it will also help to keep it out of your interactions with her.

Best to you.

Alice

GiveLove

Mmm, yep, me too.

I found that the more I detached from a situation, the less I was tempted to snap off some angry/frustrated/sarcastic comment. It was my investment in it all (how involved I was allowing myself to be in the outcomes) that made me so anxious to interject and change someone's direction.

But it took lots and lots of practice, some serious work on detachment, and finding somewhere else to put that energy. Worth it, though.

It used to be that I would say, "Are you some kind of idiot? Why would you think that?"
Nowadays I can stop, breathe, and say "Well, I guess I can see where you might feel that way. I hope it works out for you." And then quickly get off the phone, crank up the stereo, and go make brownies or something

Very hard for me, though, and I imagine very difficult for a mom who is financially tied to the outcomes!

CatsPajamas

The mom stuff I have used over the years when learning how to set boundaries with my sons:

(1) telling myself over and over again as well as anyone else who would listen: "My son has some really important life lessons to learn right now and they aren't from me." It took me awhile to really GET that, down to my core. And then it took more time for me to realize what that meant, which for me was to get OUT of the way and let him and his HP work with a direct connection

and (2) even today, I still use the big five when speaking with my one son (who may or may not be an A, he's still doing research)

Oh
Wow
Really
Huh and
You Don't Say?

and a recovery friend adds: how 'bout that!

I listen to him, and I put the responsibility for his choices and questions right back where they belong - with him. Yes, he might fail college, and yes, he will probably have some icky financial consequences from some really interesting choices he's made.

My recovery friends taught me that if I kept helping him out, I was robbing him of the joy and dignity of experiencing his own consequences. When I realized that my "helping" was really hurting, it was easier for me to let go.

This lesson applied to a marriage, then an ABF or 2, as well as my sons. It takes me awhile to learn some stuff.....

GiveLove

Love this:
I might have to borrow that one too

brundle

I saw a sign once that said: Who I'm angry at controls me!

I thought that was so true. So I work really hard on detaching and telling myself that sometimes the best thing is letting people make their own mistakes. When that doesn't work I know I have more work to do on myself... I have to work on myself a lot!!! LOL!

coyote21

Man, I gotta hang that up somewhere. Thanks!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Electa

Thanks so much for your very well phrased, wise responses, that show you've "been there" and "done that"! You are offering authentic voices and authentic experiences that not only will help me deal with my daughter but also made me laugh! And who on this forum couldn't use a laugh or two?

I just LOVED some of the suggested responses, like "Wow" "You Don't Say" and so forth. Just the ticket. Much better than simply remaining silent, but almost equally non-committal. And, of course, these short comments, deployed at the right times, will have the added benefit of substituting for the sarcasm that is just begging to spring from my tongue when she is (verbally) piling it high and deep.

Reminds me of an old joke:

Two women had not seen one another in many months. On meeting up, Stella asked Ruby what she'd been up to. Ruby said "Why, I've been to Charm School." Ruby then asked Stella what SHE'd been doing. Stella said "I got a brand new car, so fine". Ruby exclaimed "Fantastic". Stella went on: "My boyfriend bought me a one carat diamond ring" Ruby said "Fantastic!".
This went on for a while. Finally Stella got through bragging and asked Ruby what it was, exactly, she'd learned in charm school, and Ruby said:
"Well, the first thing they taught us was to say 'fantastic' instead of "bull....!"

Thanks again,

Electa

boocatgirl

Thank you all so much for this thread. I have been struggling this past week with being angry and fretful about choices my AH made last week while in live-in rehab (totally backsliding on my recovery) He managed to get pain meds (VA) for a sore hip, which his group is not happy about. So unhappy, he has lost family visitation time with me and our SN daughter for (unclear how long). Like his group, I thought this was an "oily" choice made by him to work the system. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't (Can't control this, can't control this), but I chose to avoid talking to him because I didn't think I could control my tongue.

When I do talk to him next, I again feel like I have some tools to draw on. So... how 'bout that?!

Thanks so much for reminding me how to nicely disengage...

BCG

LaTeeDa

The more I attempt to control someone else, the more responsible I feel for their outcomes. And then the angrier I get because "if only you would have listened to me..."

When I give up control, and concentrate on myself, the easier it is to let others make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons.

L