A big thank you to SR members
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
A big thank you to SR members
Dear all
I have felt a little down this weekend. I was with my abf for three years until he abruptly ended things in May. I'm not ready to 'get back out there' and feel like too much of a burden on my friends who I don't really see on Saturdays and haven't since ex and I got together.
Anyway to cheer myself up I decided I wanted to see how far I'd come with all of your help. Seriously go through my post - I have come even further than I'd realised! And it's all thanks to many wonderful SR-ers. So I decided I wanted to spread a little goodwill and say thanks to certain individuals.
First of all Freedom1990 who was the first person to welcome me and the first to recommend Co-dependent no more. Bookwyrm - the second to welcome me and to tell me to start focusing on me, not the ex. Jadmack - We have had a little cybercommunication but the one thing I notice from you is the fact you 'thank' me for most of my posts. This helps remind me I'm not going crazy, I am speaking sense and am in touch with some of the things you guys out there are going or have been through. It's a feeling that my feelings are validated that I get from you Jadmack. Thank you! Naive - You may remember I had hoped he and I would move in together. Your story about you lasting with your ex for eight months, after a three year relationship, made me realise my heads were in the clouds. It only serves to remind me too that this woman I obsess about (Yes I know I obsess about it) doesn't stand a chance as she already has four kids to worry about and he certainly won't be making any financial contribution, and very little of anything else. He didn't even know her until April. By the end of May he finished with me and has lived with her since early July. Full time now as I stopped paying his rent at the end of July so now he is in effect homeless if he splits with her. Still Waters - When is an addict lying? Something I carry with me. He did lie alot, not so much about how much he drank, but about how he was expecting to get some money, how much he'd taken out of my account, whether he was in the pub or not, in the last couple of weeks probably about cheating too - I don't know. One thing I do look back on now is I'm convinced he stole from me in those early days. I'm sure he'll be doing that to his new codie. MissFixIt - You posted on about moving on after the split and getting used to life without the ex - that helped tremendously. Sugarlily - you too helped in giving me hope on life after the ex. Steve - you opened your cyberarms to me from very early on and helped me realise there are people out there that care. Boogs you were starting Codependent No More the same time as me and told me so over the internet - a reminder as I was holidaying on my own reading it and feeling sorry for myself that I'm not the only person in the world going through this and there are others out there that understand my pain, to such a level that they too have had to seek help from this book.
There are many more too but these are ones just taken from my post. I am getting there. I will admit - as I did in a thread the other day - I still want the ex to pick up the phone and tell me he made a mistake. Not that I want him back - I just want to feel validated by him - to know those three years meant something to him. And although I do hope daily this will happen I'm not upset about it like I was before - probably because part of me thinks he will say it as he knows I want to hear it and because he wants something from me. So perhaps the real reason I want him to phone and ask me back is so I can reject him - something I have NEVER done before.
Anyway, I am beginning to understand myself and beginning to understand I have real issues that seem to have only just been brought to the surface. Keep your stories and posts coming everyone - they really are helping.
I have felt a little down this weekend. I was with my abf for three years until he abruptly ended things in May. I'm not ready to 'get back out there' and feel like too much of a burden on my friends who I don't really see on Saturdays and haven't since ex and I got together.
Anyway to cheer myself up I decided I wanted to see how far I'd come with all of your help. Seriously go through my post - I have come even further than I'd realised! And it's all thanks to many wonderful SR-ers. So I decided I wanted to spread a little goodwill and say thanks to certain individuals.
First of all Freedom1990 who was the first person to welcome me and the first to recommend Co-dependent no more. Bookwyrm - the second to welcome me and to tell me to start focusing on me, not the ex. Jadmack - We have had a little cybercommunication but the one thing I notice from you is the fact you 'thank' me for most of my posts. This helps remind me I'm not going crazy, I am speaking sense and am in touch with some of the things you guys out there are going or have been through. It's a feeling that my feelings are validated that I get from you Jadmack. Thank you! Naive - You may remember I had hoped he and I would move in together. Your story about you lasting with your ex for eight months, after a three year relationship, made me realise my heads were in the clouds. It only serves to remind me too that this woman I obsess about (Yes I know I obsess about it) doesn't stand a chance as she already has four kids to worry about and he certainly won't be making any financial contribution, and very little of anything else. He didn't even know her until April. By the end of May he finished with me and has lived with her since early July. Full time now as I stopped paying his rent at the end of July so now he is in effect homeless if he splits with her. Still Waters - When is an addict lying? Something I carry with me. He did lie alot, not so much about how much he drank, but about how he was expecting to get some money, how much he'd taken out of my account, whether he was in the pub or not, in the last couple of weeks probably about cheating too - I don't know. One thing I do look back on now is I'm convinced he stole from me in those early days. I'm sure he'll be doing that to his new codie. MissFixIt - You posted on about moving on after the split and getting used to life without the ex - that helped tremendously. Sugarlily - you too helped in giving me hope on life after the ex. Steve - you opened your cyberarms to me from very early on and helped me realise there are people out there that care. Boogs you were starting Codependent No More the same time as me and told me so over the internet - a reminder as I was holidaying on my own reading it and feeling sorry for myself that I'm not the only person in the world going through this and there are others out there that understand my pain, to such a level that they too have had to seek help from this book.
There are many more too but these are ones just taken from my post. I am getting there. I will admit - as I did in a thread the other day - I still want the ex to pick up the phone and tell me he made a mistake. Not that I want him back - I just want to feel validated by him - to know those three years meant something to him. And although I do hope daily this will happen I'm not upset about it like I was before - probably because part of me thinks he will say it as he knows I want to hear it and because he wants something from me. So perhaps the real reason I want him to phone and ask me back is so I can reject him - something I have NEVER done before.
Anyway, I am beginning to understand myself and beginning to understand I have real issues that seem to have only just been brought to the surface. Keep your stories and posts coming everyone - they really are helping.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
We all arrive here because we are hurt, angry, lost, confused... we are searching for answers, for someone somewhere to let us know that we are not alone in our situation. We don't often get the answers we originally wanted, but we learn and grow and get some new insights as to how to deal with our life on life's terms.
For me, a wonderful bonus was the friendships that I made with people here at SR. Some have become lifelong friends, people whom I have met face to face and spent time with.
As they say in the closings at many Al Anon meetings, "although you may not like all of us, you will come to love us as we already love you." I might not like what some people have to say to me, but more often than not, I will think about what they said.
SR is a wonderful place. For me, it's been a godsend.
For me, a wonderful bonus was the friendships that I made with people here at SR. Some have become lifelong friends, people whom I have met face to face and spent time with.
As they say in the closings at many Al Anon meetings, "although you may not like all of us, you will come to love us as we already love you." I might not like what some people have to say to me, but more often than not, I will think about what they said.
SR is a wonderful place. For me, it's been a godsend.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It's human nature to want validation, but it's not always healthy. I don't need validation from an insane alcoholic, and wanting it makes me just as crazy.
When you want peace and forward momentum more than that validation, that's healthy
When you want peace and forward momentum more than that validation, that's healthy
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