I struggled with HP..
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I struggled with HP..
Those that know me on SR know the back story.. and they know that one of the things I've kinda struggled with in Al-Anon is the concept of a HP.
It's not that I think there isn't something greater than me and not that I don't have an open mind.. it's just with all the crappy stuff that happened and my inability to buy into organised religion, I kinda found it hard to give some form to HP and I suppose trust in what it all means.
Anyway.. amidst all the chaos there did seem to be a purpose. Get me out of a situation and get me back. I understood that.. but it seemed to be extremely painful and scary.
Long story short.. I lost everything.. all I had left were some possessions and my car. I was injured and couldn't work (I was self-employed since moving in with the ex(R?)A) and my savings were getting spent rapidly.. by the end of August I was going to be in a scary financial position. There was a job that was perfect for me but I couldn't take it because I couldn't work.
A week ago on Friday I got a phonecall out of the blue. It was an agent looking to place someone in a position starting a.s.a.p. It turned out to be the very place that I would have applied to had I been able to work. I spoke to the guy hiring and it also turned out that I knew someone already working there.. so I by-passed the normal interview and was asked to join them on a long term contract (paying way more than the permanent position). I started there on Wednesday.
Just in the nick of time but the HP.. (yes I'm starting to believe).. came through. What was for me didn't pass me by.. and after the awful stuff that happened and the fear of going back into work having had my confidence dented he put me in a place where it isn't scary at all and I know someone there already!
So, just 5 months after being put into hospital by the ex(R?)A.. my injuries are healing, I've made some unbelievable new friends (one of whom is very special and is restoring my faith in men), I've got a safe and comfortable place to live, I have a fab new job.. and most importantly, I'm smiling! My friend, who I'm working with now and who hasn't seen me since before this all happened says I'm looking well and good.
I'm not out of the woods, but I'm getting there. Next goal.. buy a new home and be moved in by Xmas. I can do this!
It's not that I think there isn't something greater than me and not that I don't have an open mind.. it's just with all the crappy stuff that happened and my inability to buy into organised religion, I kinda found it hard to give some form to HP and I suppose trust in what it all means.
Anyway.. amidst all the chaos there did seem to be a purpose. Get me out of a situation and get me back. I understood that.. but it seemed to be extremely painful and scary.
Long story short.. I lost everything.. all I had left were some possessions and my car. I was injured and couldn't work (I was self-employed since moving in with the ex(R?)A) and my savings were getting spent rapidly.. by the end of August I was going to be in a scary financial position. There was a job that was perfect for me but I couldn't take it because I couldn't work.
A week ago on Friday I got a phonecall out of the blue. It was an agent looking to place someone in a position starting a.s.a.p. It turned out to be the very place that I would have applied to had I been able to work. I spoke to the guy hiring and it also turned out that I knew someone already working there.. so I by-passed the normal interview and was asked to join them on a long term contract (paying way more than the permanent position). I started there on Wednesday.
Just in the nick of time but the HP.. (yes I'm starting to believe).. came through. What was for me didn't pass me by.. and after the awful stuff that happened and the fear of going back into work having had my confidence dented he put me in a place where it isn't scary at all and I know someone there already!
So, just 5 months after being put into hospital by the ex(R?)A.. my injuries are healing, I've made some unbelievable new friends (one of whom is very special and is restoring my faith in men), I've got a safe and comfortable place to live, I have a fab new job.. and most importantly, I'm smiling! My friend, who I'm working with now and who hasn't seen me since before this all happened says I'm looking well and good.
I'm not out of the woods, but I'm getting there. Next goal.. buy a new home and be moved in by Xmas. I can do this!
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Originally Posted by tallulah 
It's not that I think there isn't something greater than me and not that I don't have an open mind.. it's just with all the crappy stuff that happened and my inability to buy into organised religion, I kinda found it hard to give some form to HP and I suppose trust in what it all means.
I ran from that God for years.
I just didn't understand how a person could have their own concept of a higher power/God.
I had also confused religion with spirituality, and today for me, religion is man-made to impress God, and spirituality is God-given.
I don't begrudge organized religion because it has helped countless people over the ages. It's just not for me, and may never be. I'm okay with that.
I too began to see the miracles in my life, and came to truly believe in a power greater than myself.
I am just delighted things are falling into place for you, gal! :ghug2
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
This was my dilemma too when I first got into recovery. What had been so deeply ingrained into me my first 18 years of life was the God of my parents'/the Catholic church's understanding.
I ran from that God for years.
I just didn't understand how a person could have their own concept of a higher power/God.
I had also confused religion with spirituality, and today for me, religion is man-made to impress God, and spirituality is God-given.
I don't begrudge organized religion because it has helped countless people over the ages. It's just not for me, and may never be. I'm okay with that.
I too began to see the miracles in my life, and came to truly believe in a power greater than myself.
I am just delighted things are falling into place for you, gal! :ghug2
I ran from that God for years.
I just didn't understand how a person could have their own concept of a higher power/God.
I had also confused religion with spirituality, and today for me, religion is man-made to impress God, and spirituality is God-given.
I don't begrudge organized religion because it has helped countless people over the ages. It's just not for me, and may never be. I'm okay with that.
I too began to see the miracles in my life, and came to truly believe in a power greater than myself.
I am just delighted things are falling into place for you, gal! :ghug2
I suppose never say never, but I can't see myself being a regular church-goer.. that said, I do feel more open to seeing the little miracles and being thankful for them and I do feel more open to a higher and greater power and trusting that it wants the best for me.
Thank you Freedom :ghg2 I'm delighted too.. and I'm pretty proud of myself for feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
If there is one thing I'd want to get across from my story is.. no matter how dark it seems, it will get brighter.. it just needs a little faith and courage.
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Originally Posted by catlovermi
Everything I want to say in celebration sounds like a cliche, but this is such a great post to hear.
I'm so happy for you that your life is improving in such strides.
Congratulations on the new job!
CLMI
I'm so happy for you that your life is improving in such strides.
Congratulations on the new job!
CLMI
<---- me
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Originally Posted by Pelican
Inspirational Tallulah!
Thank you for sharing with us
Thank you for sharing with us
My pleasure.. if one person who is where I was reads this and gets some inspiration too, sees it can get better.. then I'm doubley happy..
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Originally Posted by worthyoflove
Well, consider yourself doubly happy because THIS is just what I needed to hear this morning. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
So happy to hear HP turned things around for you!
So happy to hear HP turned things around for you!
Whatever you are struggling with right now.. you are in my thoughts.
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wonderful post, Tallulah, thank you for sharing you doubts and victories
Me? Yeah I didn't much care for the HP thing either. I came from a very abusive family, who ocasionally made an effort to be catholics. I brought all those negative memories into recovery and just assumed that "HP" meant the same thing in al-anon as it did in my "toxic family".
Turned out I was wrong. What I now realize is that I had spent my entire life trying to solve the problems in my life by myself. I had absolutely no skills or "tools" with which to deal with life in general, and relationships in particular. So what did I use to fix that lack of skills and tools? The very same mind that didn't _have_ tools and skills.
No wonder I kept going from one bad situation to another.
What al-anon taught me is that I need _outside_ help. Life is just too big and complicated for this one mind to surive it all on my own. I needed to change _my_ attitude and allow the wisdom and experience of _other_ people to guide me into fixing my life.
My first "HP" was the other members of al-anon who were kind enough to share their own struggles with me. After that it was a very good shrink, and then another. Then it became the "combined wisdom" of recovery as expressed in the literature. Basically, I realized that by trying to fix my life by myself I was being my own "HP", which is the extreme of arrogance. Instead, I learned true humility by allowing other people to know my fears and weaknesses and let them show me their victories with similar problems.
The result is that I am no longer afraid of people. I have nothing to hide or protect from others, which in turns allows others to share their lives with me. I used to be a "loner", independent and aloof. Which also meant I was disconnected from the world around me. Today I am involved in the world around me. I _like_ people. Whadya know, they like me back.
My life is full of those little "God-incidences" where good things happen to me that I cannot explain as simply co-incidence. I have everything I need to live happy, and more. However, my life is not perfect. I am not wealthy, my health sucks, and I have had my share of pain and hardship. HP does not drop winning lottery tickets out of the sky into my hand, He's not some kind of "Santa Claus".
What my HP has done is opened my mind to the beauty of the world, and all the kind, giving people that fill it. My life is simple, my possesions few. But that simple life is deep with friends and purpose. That is what my HP has given me as a result of working this recovery "thing".
Mike
Me? Yeah I didn't much care for the HP thing either. I came from a very abusive family, who ocasionally made an effort to be catholics. I brought all those negative memories into recovery and just assumed that "HP" meant the same thing in al-anon as it did in my "toxic family".
Turned out I was wrong. What I now realize is that I had spent my entire life trying to solve the problems in my life by myself. I had absolutely no skills or "tools" with which to deal with life in general, and relationships in particular. So what did I use to fix that lack of skills and tools? The very same mind that didn't _have_ tools and skills.
No wonder I kept going from one bad situation to another.
What al-anon taught me is that I need _outside_ help. Life is just too big and complicated for this one mind to surive it all on my own. I needed to change _my_ attitude and allow the wisdom and experience of _other_ people to guide me into fixing my life.
My first "HP" was the other members of al-anon who were kind enough to share their own struggles with me. After that it was a very good shrink, and then another. Then it became the "combined wisdom" of recovery as expressed in the literature. Basically, I realized that by trying to fix my life by myself I was being my own "HP", which is the extreme of arrogance. Instead, I learned true humility by allowing other people to know my fears and weaknesses and let them show me their victories with similar problems.
The result is that I am no longer afraid of people. I have nothing to hide or protect from others, which in turns allows others to share their lives with me. I used to be a "loner", independent and aloof. Which also meant I was disconnected from the world around me. Today I am involved in the world around me. I _like_ people. Whadya know, they like me back.
My life is full of those little "God-incidences" where good things happen to me that I cannot explain as simply co-incidence. I have everything I need to live happy, and more. However, my life is not perfect. I am not wealthy, my health sucks, and I have had my share of pain and hardship. HP does not drop winning lottery tickets out of the sky into my hand, He's not some kind of "Santa Claus".
What my HP has done is opened my mind to the beauty of the world, and all the kind, giving people that fill it. My life is simple, my possesions few. But that simple life is deep with friends and purpose. That is what my HP has given me as a result of working this recovery "thing".
Mike
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Thank you Mike..:ghug2
What you have said resonates with me. I’ve always been very independent, never really needing anybody.. any problems came along and I fixed them myself.. I was always reluctant to ask for help or accept it. I’m not sure if I felt that it was a sense of being hopeless I didn’t like or plain old being too proud. I was my own HP.
It wasn’t until the ex relationship and the day I accepted that I can’t do this all by myself and reached out did I realise that I don’t have to.. and that admitting my life had become unmanageable and holding out my hands and asking for help and accepting it was in fact a pretty strong and courageous thing to do. It still feels strange to ask and I admit that I will still try and exhaust all the options before I do.. but I’m getting better.
My HP is a combination of my group, my therapist, my friends, SR and that energy in the ether that I put things out to and hope that they are heard.
The situation I was in forced me to open up. I am thankful for what happened because without it I wouldn’t have found Al-Anon, SR, my therapist.. and I wouldn’t have realised what a truly wonderful set of friends I have acquired. I felt incredibly disconnected during my relationship with the ex(R?)A.. I thought I was alone.. but I’m not.. and that feels good. Today I’m probably more 'connected' than I was before him. Recovery is hard.. but it’s worth it.
What you have said resonates with me. I’ve always been very independent, never really needing anybody.. any problems came along and I fixed them myself.. I was always reluctant to ask for help or accept it. I’m not sure if I felt that it was a sense of being hopeless I didn’t like or plain old being too proud. I was my own HP.
It wasn’t until the ex relationship and the day I accepted that I can’t do this all by myself and reached out did I realise that I don’t have to.. and that admitting my life had become unmanageable and holding out my hands and asking for help and accepting it was in fact a pretty strong and courageous thing to do. It still feels strange to ask and I admit that I will still try and exhaust all the options before I do.. but I’m getting better.
My HP is a combination of my group, my therapist, my friends, SR and that energy in the ether that I put things out to and hope that they are heard.
The situation I was in forced me to open up. I am thankful for what happened because without it I wouldn’t have found Al-Anon, SR, my therapist.. and I wouldn’t have realised what a truly wonderful set of friends I have acquired. I felt incredibly disconnected during my relationship with the ex(R?)A.. I thought I was alone.. but I’m not.. and that feels good. Today I’m probably more 'connected' than I was before him. Recovery is hard.. but it’s worth it.
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Wonderful thread!! Thank you T for posting this today!! Your journey is an inspiration and your discovery of HP as you understand it/him/her strikes a cord with me, too. I find myself placing many different "faces" on my HP and I've come to believe that has to do with the ethereal nature of a higher power.
It comes in human form as someone who guides you along without ulterior motive. It comes in the form of circumstance as in just by chance you overhear someone talking about an affordable place to let or an old friend who just happens to work where you are looking to get hired.
It all just seems more to me than a scripture, a hymn, or one particular belief system.
Thank you T and to all on this thread for giving me more to think on AND to be thankful for today.
Lasting peace to you.
Alice
It comes in human form as someone who guides you along without ulterior motive. It comes in the form of circumstance as in just by chance you overhear someone talking about an affordable place to let or an old friend who just happens to work where you are looking to get hired.
It all just seems more to me than a scripture, a hymn, or one particular belief system.
Thank you T and to all on this thread for giving me more to think on AND to be thankful for today.
Lasting peace to you.
Alice
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