whyamistaying

LaTeeDa and Ago---I do appreciate your honesty and "tough love". I need to hear this. Please keep telling me like it is. So the guilt I feel is because I have not let go of him. I will try to let go. I don't know how to. I can see where I really haven't. Maybe this is the first step. I'm going to re-read my Step 1 section in my book.

I can tell you that I know I can't control his drinking. I have tried. I know alcohol has more power over him that I do. I know I can't stop him and neither can his kids. I don't know why that isn't translating to "letting go." Because I know that. I know I am powerless over alcohol.

I woke up this morning feeling WONDERFUL. The kids are in a great mood. Everyone is happy. Two people told me yesterday I looked and sounded great (due to sleep I assume).

I won't drive him. But you are right...my mind keeps wanting to go to "what a wife should do" but this isn't a normal situation. Normal marriages aren't this. I have to remind myself that.

To think of him like a child is actually really helpful. I wouldn't drive my child. I can see it in a parent-child relationship but when it is husband-wife, it gets cloudy. I will try hard today if my mind goes to guilt to think of him like a child.

I am heading to the bookstore today to buy the Courage to Change book. I've got Codependent No More and a Codependent's Guide to the 12 steps. I don't know what else to do to help me see through this madness.

Chrysalis123

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Thank you for posting. I know how hard it was for me trying to recover from my insane behavior when I was dealing in an unhealthy way with the A in my life.

I was enmeshed with him and had really no idea where I ended and he started. That translated into messed up boundaries on my part because I felt extreme guilt whenever I behaved in an emotionally healthy way. The A seized on that weakness in me and exploited that guilt button at every opportunity. I also had difficulty recognizing what was manipulation on his part and what constituted reality.

Individual counseling helped me relearn healthy behaviors and my counselor supported me when I questioned reality. She also "held my hand" when I needed to verbalize something and sometimes even taught me how to say it.

Alanon also reparented me. Coming from an alcoholic home.....I had a lot to learn.

Keep seeking, keep asking, keep posting!

LaTeeDa

Maybe it would help to change that a little into "I am powerless over the alcoholic." Not only can you not stop him from drinking, you can't stop him from making poor choices, acting like a child, attempting to manipulate you--none of it.

I treated my husband as though is was incompetent for years. Guess what? The more I did for him, the less he was "able" to do for himself. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You must give him back the responsibility of being an adult. Even though you fear he will screw it up, which he likely will. The sooner you stop treating him as though you are responsible for him, the sooner you will stop feeling guilty.

It's an illusion to think that you can stop his mistakes by controlling him. You only prolong the inevitable and make it that much worse in the end. Boundaries are to protect you if/when he does something that affects you negatively. So make sure you have some boundaries in place, then let him go. He will do whatever he will do. It really has nothing to do with you.

He's not doing it TO YOU, he's just doing it.

L

benham

That would be so awesome! I'm going to assume some stuff here. I'm going to assume that you didn't put a gun to his head and make him drink that one night. You then didn't put a second gun to his head and make him drive the car. I'm also going to assume that you didn't ensure that he would be pulled over that night as well. I'm finally going to assume that you didn't make him get a 2nd or 3rd DUI or however many he's ended up with.

That sounds like those are his DUIs then! Those thingies have consequences attached to them, like losing the ability to legally drive for a year.

The part that you can control is you roll over and go back to sleep. If for whatever reason you hear the car start, just call the police and report the license plate number. If you hear the jingle of a bell, then you know he is on his bike. See if you can get him a handle streamers and a pink basket too! (Ok sorry)

Let him stomp, cry, quack, complain, blame, threaten etc. Go see who he really is when he doesn't get what he wants. As you progress in your own recovery you can determine if the man he is becoming is worth staying with. Until then, get some sleep!

whyamistaying

Today he whined again more. Told me he was going to get a ticket without a helmet and a light. I drove him to get them. He told me that it was horrible. That no one is awake at that time of the morning. That he'd do if that is what makes the kids and I happy. That his legs hurt and his hair is a mess when he gets to work. I didn't say anything.

This man is amazing. He still buys beer after riding a bike and drinks it hot. Ago and LaTeeDa were right. I thought somewhere that if he rode his bike, he'd hit rock bottom. But he still buys beer and hides it and drinks it. After all this. I need to remember I don't have control over him. It is so discouraging.

I also set another boundary of once he gets his weekly allowance, I am not paying his friends back if he borrows money (which he is famous for). He has $40/day---$18 for the train and the rest for food. He has 2 more days of work left and barely enough to take the train. Now I will make sure I stick to my word, but he is going to be irritated again that he works so hard, that he has no money, blah blah. He already started on that he needs more money because after riding the bike to the train, he is sweating and needs to stop to get water. That he can't carry the water in his backpack because it is too heavy (however he apparently can carry a beer can). I just don't want to hear about it. $40/day seems like more than enough....

naive

leave him to suffer the consequences of his actions.

he has money to buy hot beer but not enough for the train fare by the end of the week?

oh well. i guess that means that he won't be taking the train.

water is free in train stations. all he needs to do is go in the bathroom, wash his hands, and drink the water.

splendra

Once I got it into my thick skull that my H uses complaining and negativity to control my actions towards him ie: "helping" him. I just let my mind go blank when ever I hear it also I get up and walk out of the room if the complaining gets too loud. Also I just plain ignore him, don't sleep with him, and a lot of times I just act as though he does not even exist, I look right past him like he does me when I need help. The less I say and react the more reality he sees. It is his problem that the bike is his option he is the one who put himself in that position right?

By taking him to work it is like you agreeing with him that it is your fault that he got a DUI. I think you are doing great. Shield your heart from the arrows of blame it is not your fault.

benham

Quack Quack Quack. Outstanding response from you

Only his HP knows where the bottom is. I've heard stories in meetings of people that survived harsh times while still drinking and then something that would be considered normal to us would be what sent that person to the bottom and willing to begin recovery.

The number isn't the point. Whether he has agreed with it or not, you have set aside money from the monthly budget for him. This money has no strings attached and allows him to spend it on whatever he wants. If he wants to spend it on beer, so be it. I personally think this boundary is a good idea. Let him quack about this one too.

LaTeeDa

He has multiple DUI's, yet he's so extremely concerned about a helmet ticket? Seems a bit selective to me.

What a great guy! He's doing all this just to make you and the kids happy? Oh, the sacrifice! Oh, the selflessness! Cause you and the kids are responsible for him losing the privilege to drive, right?

It's only discouraging if your happiness depends on what he does. As you continue in your recovery, you will find that what he does or doesn't do has less and less effect on you. You will realize that you can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life regardless of him. Let him stew in his own self-caused misery. Doesn't mean you have to.

Wait, you mean all this time I've been working "so hard" thinking it was just expected of me to support my family and my lifestyle, I've not been getting my special privileges of unlimited spending money and absolution of all consequences of my actions? Man, I've been getting ripped off!

Remember--actions speak louder than words. All his whining and complaining is an attempt to get you to pity him. But his actions tell you everything you need to know. Once, when my H was whining to me about all the negative consequences he was dealing with, I told him "I can't hear your words anymore, your actions are drowning them out."

L

jaguarpcb

He seriously needs $22/day for food? Really? Even when I go out to lunch with coworkers at a nice sit down restaurant and have a beer with lunch I don't spend NEAR that.

ItsmeAlice

Where have I heard all that quacking before?....oh, yeah I remember. It was that addict that I stopped listening to a while back there. XABF received an allowance that was just for his beer and cigarettes and he still quacked a blue streak about everything from the cost of beer going up to needing extra money so he could buy chips, too to go with the beer (forget the fact I filled the cupboards with snacks for him). I ignored it. You know he started buying cheaper beer (and more of it, too) and cheaper cigarettes. I think I saw him buy a bag of chips maybe once a month. It was all to get more money for his 'liquid gold' as he called it.

Keep reminding yourself that he is not doing this FOR you. He is doing this FOR the county/state that took his license. If he were doing this to make you happy, you might actually BE happy instead of being made miserable by his constant whining.

If it helps him to put things into perspective, tell him teenagers go through these kind of growing pains and they make it through.

I had to ride my bike to work in 90+ degree heat one summer because I didn't have a car yet to drive, I was 17. I even blacked out on the side of the road once from heat exhaustion and almost got run over. When my father arrived at the emergency where an ambulance had hauled me to, I thought for sure he would feel sorry for me and tell me he would buy me a car straight away. Instead, he told me I should just leave a lot earlier and walk the 4 miles instead. I did. I found out I have a real love for power walking actually. I still hated the heat and it gave me the motivation to save up for my own car.

Alice