51 And What's The Point?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
51 And What's The Point?
Yesterday my AH turned 51. I went got cards for me and the kids (who are my grown children his step-children) to give him. I got a cake.
His family lives far away but my family is always really good to him. Last night he didn't want me to call my family to come for cake. He didn't want to wait for my daughter to come home from her date to celebrate. Nothing. Just me and him and my son who happend to be home. My parents and sister all called all excited to wish him a 'happy birthday'. He didn't even get on the phone. (I'm kind of mad; but with him; he's always a jerk). He kind of did the same thing on my birthday and after that I decieded he was never planning another birthday for me again...He can do the jerk thing on his day only!
Anyway, it's just sad and pitiful. He ended up being such an pain in the b*** that I quit talking to him. What kind of way is this to spend a birthday or your life. I know he's in the later stages of his progression and hopefully the economy swings up enough to sell the house so I can leave...
But at 10 years younger then him I can't understand wanting to waste your life the way he does. Mostly he just sits in the basement, talking to no one (unless your a drinking buddy or his pot smoking sister), drinking (not until after 11pm... he can controll the 12+ beer he drinks each night) and watching Tv. I've been watching this for 8 years and I just don't see this as living. Other then that he still holds down a job, he's useless to everyone he's in relationship with. It's like he's already dead. To me it's all so pointless!
Sorry. I just needed to vent... Thanks...
His family lives far away but my family is always really good to him. Last night he didn't want me to call my family to come for cake. He didn't want to wait for my daughter to come home from her date to celebrate. Nothing. Just me and him and my son who happend to be home. My parents and sister all called all excited to wish him a 'happy birthday'. He didn't even get on the phone. (I'm kind of mad; but with him; he's always a jerk). He kind of did the same thing on my birthday and after that I decieded he was never planning another birthday for me again...He can do the jerk thing on his day only!
Anyway, it's just sad and pitiful. He ended up being such an pain in the b*** that I quit talking to him. What kind of way is this to spend a birthday or your life. I know he's in the later stages of his progression and hopefully the economy swings up enough to sell the house so I can leave...
But at 10 years younger then him I can't understand wanting to waste your life the way he does. Mostly he just sits in the basement, talking to no one (unless your a drinking buddy or his pot smoking sister), drinking (not until after 11pm... he can controll the 12+ beer he drinks each night) and watching Tv. I've been watching this for 8 years and I just don't see this as living. Other then that he still holds down a job, he's useless to everyone he's in relationship with. It's like he's already dead. To me it's all so pointless!
Sorry. I just needed to vent... Thanks...
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I actually asked my xabf that question once. He said it was all he knew. It was the only way he knew how to be. Honestly, I believe him. A part of me feels like it was just more quacking from him (his way of making what he does "okay").
I've thought about that for awhile. I would love for him to quit drinking. He is such a good man when he's sober. But the more thought I put into his "answer" of "this is all I know" I realized that for him to quit drinking, EVERYTHING changes. And I know how terrifying that can be. Even for me, many years ago when I moved crossed country to unfamiliar territory for a new job.....many years ago when I felt I had it 'all together'.....the change of everything was terrifying for me.
I tried many times to help him with this thought. I know it's all you know but can't you just accept that maybe what's on the other side could be better? Can't you see that there's more out there than there is in here? Can't you see how much you're hurting me by being your own prisoner? Can't you this....don't you that??
The fact is, he may not be happy with the life he's leading, but he is content with it. You'd think for someone to do the same thing day in and day out would mean they are happy with those actions (makes a good reason to continue doing them). But I think he's just content with it. Sitting behind the bar, radio blasted, house smelling of vomit and stale yeast and drowning out pain, fear, agony, disgust is just the way it is in his mind.
It's a comfort thing, IMO, a bonified habit. Haven't you ever had someone stop and ask you why you do something the way you do? Kind of like why do we put an X over a mosquito bite after we've been bit?? Heck, I'm not sure what purpose the X serves.....I just do it because that's what Mom always said to do! lol And no matter how hard you try not to do it, you've been doing it so long that you do it without even having to think about it anymore. It just comes naturally. It's done out of habit. Because that's just the way it's always been.
What kind of life is he leading by continuing to do what he's doing? IMO, not much of one. WHY does he continue to do it? Because that's just the way it's always been.
I've thought about that for awhile. I would love for him to quit drinking. He is such a good man when he's sober. But the more thought I put into his "answer" of "this is all I know" I realized that for him to quit drinking, EVERYTHING changes. And I know how terrifying that can be. Even for me, many years ago when I moved crossed country to unfamiliar territory for a new job.....many years ago when I felt I had it 'all together'.....the change of everything was terrifying for me.
I tried many times to help him with this thought. I know it's all you know but can't you just accept that maybe what's on the other side could be better? Can't you see that there's more out there than there is in here? Can't you see how much you're hurting me by being your own prisoner? Can't you this....don't you that??
The fact is, he may not be happy with the life he's leading, but he is content with it. You'd think for someone to do the same thing day in and day out would mean they are happy with those actions (makes a good reason to continue doing them). But I think he's just content with it. Sitting behind the bar, radio blasted, house smelling of vomit and stale yeast and drowning out pain, fear, agony, disgust is just the way it is in his mind.
It's a comfort thing, IMO, a bonified habit. Haven't you ever had someone stop and ask you why you do something the way you do? Kind of like why do we put an X over a mosquito bite after we've been bit?? Heck, I'm not sure what purpose the X serves.....I just do it because that's what Mom always said to do! lol And no matter how hard you try not to do it, you've been doing it so long that you do it without even having to think about it anymore. It just comes naturally. It's done out of habit. Because that's just the way it's always been.
What kind of life is he leading by continuing to do what he's doing? IMO, not much of one. WHY does he continue to do it? Because that's just the way it's always been.
I am a 51 yo RAH... well, 52 in a week.
I got so cocooned, wrapped up in my own finite world. The possibilities of experience, emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual... all existed within than finite universe... No risk! Just sameness... for me. for my loved ones...
I told my wife I didn't want a big 50th birthday party, which she wanted... I didn't want or need all that... happy friends and relatives extending their good wishes... It was a kind of emotional masochism, isolation, which, in some perverted sense..... I savored.... All at the expense of my loved ones... Well, if no one reaches out to me, I don't have to reach back... it' just easier that way.... Thankfully I had been at the point for only a year or two.... But damn, how I regret it, shutting everyone out, denying my wife that special pleasure..... my kids... I'll never have another 50th birthday.
I've been recovering since 2 weeks after my 51st... My 52nd is coming next week.... We are having a special surprise party for my wife's brother's 50th the day before mine.... The joy she's having in setting up, planning, scheming to keep it secret....
Thanx for your post, I needed that now...
Mark
I got so cocooned, wrapped up in my own finite world. The possibilities of experience, emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual... all existed within than finite universe... No risk! Just sameness... for me. for my loved ones...
I told my wife I didn't want a big 50th birthday party, which she wanted... I didn't want or need all that... happy friends and relatives extending their good wishes... It was a kind of emotional masochism, isolation, which, in some perverted sense..... I savored.... All at the expense of my loved ones... Well, if no one reaches out to me, I don't have to reach back... it' just easier that way.... Thankfully I had been at the point for only a year or two.... But damn, how I regret it, shutting everyone out, denying my wife that special pleasure..... my kids... I'll never have another 50th birthday.
I've been recovering since 2 weeks after my 51st... My 52nd is coming next week.... We are having a special surprise party for my wife's brother's 50th the day before mine.... The joy she's having in setting up, planning, scheming to keep it secret....
Thanx for your post, I needed that now...
Mark
I've been watching this for 8 years and I just don't see this as living.
I think the same thing about my brother's lives - they made them so small, smaller and smaller....
I am grateful every day that I do not have an addiction!! I love my body and my brain and my power to make the choices each day that will bring me pleasure and joy! Brundle how are YOU living? Can you detach enough from this person's misery and be focused on your own joy, your own growth??
It is difficult to live within what's supposed to be a "relationship" with a person who neither shows us the love we need nor lets us express our love to them freely to be lovingly received. It can make us very sick in mind and body...please take care of yourself...(((((((hugs)))))))
peace
b
I think the same thing about my brother's lives - they made them so small, smaller and smaller....
I am grateful every day that I do not have an addiction!! I love my body and my brain and my power to make the choices each day that will bring me pleasure and joy! Brundle how are YOU living? Can you detach enough from this person's misery and be focused on your own joy, your own growth??
It is difficult to live within what's supposed to be a "relationship" with a person who neither shows us the love we need nor lets us express our love to them freely to be lovingly received. It can make us very sick in mind and body...please take care of yourself...(((((((hugs)))))))
peace
b
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Bernadette:
Thanks for the hugs and ((((hug)))) back to you. In answer to your question about me... Most of the time I do my 'own thing'. I work on me, help in my community, do stuff with the kids, workout, eat right, ect... I want my life to have purpose.
There are times I feel more healthy then sick. Sometimes it's hard. I just stay detached and work on peace in my home for me and the kids.
Thanks again...
Thanks for the hugs and ((((hug)))) back to you. In answer to your question about me... Most of the time I do my 'own thing'. I work on me, help in my community, do stuff with the kids, workout, eat right, ect... I want my life to have purpose.
There are times I feel more healthy then sick. Sometimes it's hard. I just stay detached and work on peace in my home for me and the kids.
Thanks again...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
No... I wish. There's no point. It's so big that there is no (and when I say no I mean no) market for it. Even the ones that are are just sitting. We would have to take about half of what the house is worth. Being disabled I need to live off the money from the sale of the house. So I'm stuck here. Well just for now.
On the bright side as soon as housing starts to take any turn up I'm out of here and filing. I just need to know the darn thing can sell for a resonable price.
On the bright side as soon as housing starts to take any turn up I'm out of here and filing. I just need to know the darn thing can sell for a resonable price.
He said it was all he knew. It was the only way he knew how to be. Honestly, I believe him.
We take what we're handed and make something better out of it. There are a thousand thousand models out there of different lives we could have, if we just decide we want something different and stop making excuses. "It's all I knew" is the biggest load of BS there is, imho.
Last edited by GiveLove; 08-23-2009 at 04:34 PM.
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