ToughChoices

I am absolutely itching to interfere.

My XAH is "in love" with a young woman. They have been dating for 2 weeks, and in that time she has single-handedly cleaned my unemployed X's ENTIRE, disgusting house. She drinks with him.

I want to tell her about alcoholism, teach her about codependency, inform her of Al-Anon. I know this desire is born of my own issues.

Ohhhh but I wanna write a letter!

PurpleWilder

To quote J.R.R. Tolkien (author of Lord of the Rings)

"The burned hand teaches best. After that, advice about fire goes to the heart."

She'll be crispy soon enough without your help.

Still Waters

Seconded.

ToughChoices

Awww, anvil!

Sometimes I don't want to be recovered.
Sometimes I want to be a big, hot mess!

I'll go pout - not write.

GiveLove

In the book "West With the Night" there is a great line spoken by the man who taught Beryl Markham how to fly her bush plane. He lets her almost get into an accident (well, not really, but it seemed like it to her) with the logic:

"I didn't want to rob you of your right to make mistakes."

No stealing, TC She will have to learn this on her own, and it will STICK that way.

I once knew a guy who saved all his soda pop cans for a couple of years in his one-bedroom apartment. Well, actually ,he didn't save them, he was just too lazy to throw them away. It made such a pile we called it "Canhenge." Eeeeeeeeew is right.

Whatcha doing for YOU this weekend? (after you've had a good and hearty pout first)

ToughChoices

I know you guys love me! I love you, too!

And NO - I don't want to be with him or live with him. Just want to rescue them both! (eyeroll)

Pool party tonight and Morroccan birthday dinner celebration with my BFF tomorrow

Jadmack25

Watch out SuperSaving Woman, there's Kryptonite in that there thinking.

Give it time. You know that old saying:
Time heals all wounds
and WOUNDS all HEELS.

She will get the message some time, loud and clear.......I mean how many piles of yuk can you clear out before you figure there is something not right?
Or does that come under "stinking thinking"?

GiveLove

Mmmmmmmmorroccan

ToughChoices

Thanks to all!

I still suffer occasional bouts of (brief ) insanity. Thankfully I'm much better able to recognize uhealthy behavior BEFORE engaging in them.

Had a wonderful time at the party last night - ate some AMAZING pizza, played in the pool, and met great people. No chaos. No craziness. My life, free from alcoholic drama, is sweet and fun. I just have to remember to say NO to the drama. Sometimes I can hear it calling my name!

Take care!
Mel

laurie6781

I am glad you had a good time last night.

You know, I found a way to fix those 'itches' when I really really want to play Mrs. Fix It and 'fix someone.'

I go do some volunteer work. I got the Rescue Mission and either do some cooking, or go help out in the Thrift Store, checking in and pricing things and straightening out the store .................................................. .. or I go over to the Animal Shelter and spend a few hours walking the dogs and giving them attention .............................. or if my legs are bothering me too much, I go visit one of the Nursing Homes and visit with some one who no longer gets any visitors. Somehow, the 'volunteering' gets rid of the 'itches' real quick.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

BS08

I also fully believe in Karma.....the universe takes care of itself in the appropriate fashion...

As a good friend of mine tells me, every time I feel the need to do something like this in reference to my exABF, ask yourself "what's the payoff?" What's the end goal you are looking for or how are you going to FEEL after you do it.

Once you remember what the fire feels like, it's not likely you'll want to go back! You may stick a finger or two in, but think back to the initial burn, and then remember how much it hurts!

It's okay to feel this way, but it doesn't mean you have to ACT on it!! It's a hard lesson I'm still trying to learn. Just let the feeling pass...

splendra

:rotfxko

NYC_Chick

I know what you mean about looking for chaos, the bad kind. I have not done it in a very long time and sometimes feel empty because my life is so calm and peaceful.

I found that it helped me to create a lot of fun chaos in my life. I go to dance lessons during the week, out with friends on the weekend doing things where there are no drunks, dating (only one person now, but it's good, fun chaos because he's hilarious). Sometimes I will even take on more at work because sometimes the small stress of lots of balls up in the air with deadlines helps. I know that probably sounds odd because I work a lot anyway, but the last few months being no contact with my ex, I have done this.

Hopefully his new housekeeper will wake up on her own. My xabf, while pursing me for months, actually had a girlfriend for most of the time he was doing it. I don't know if he still has one, but his last attempted contact with me was about a month ago. I feel bad for her, but it's not my job to point out to her that he will suck the life out of her with his drinking, lies and manipulation.

Stay strong (((TC)))

Freedom1990

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh at that! How very true!

I was not only crispy, but burned to a smoldering heap when the light bulb finally came on!

TC, I too sometimes have bouts of temporary insanity. I work hard at not acting on it!

MissFixit

Hey TC!

I seem to remember that he was engaged or getting engaged a few months ago... Guess that fizzled out.

I have similar feelings about wanting to rescue and I have to keep them in check. It is hard to watch a trainwreck about to happen. You have come so far and sound like you are doing great. It is a shame that he continues to spiral, but that is the path he is choosing.

Take Care!

spinner

Not to disagree, but I wish someone had taken me aside and told me my boyfriend had a long-standing drinking problem when I first started going out with him. I was oblivious for quite a long time before I figured it out.

Someone did this when I started dating someone in university. Although the bf at that time was not an alcoholic, it did make me open my eyes and see what was really going on.

What do others think?

spinner

chrisea

advice about fire goes to the heart.

life changing ... priceless

MissFixit

People tried to gentley tell me about my ex's problems early on. No one said alcoholism though as most his crowd are drinkers. I don't think they knew at the time. They did warn me about erratic behavior, which meant little to me. I was the one who put alcohol together with erratic behavior and lying. The secret DUIs, lost jobs etc should have been warnings.

With this said, until I saw for myself I didn't understand. His new woman was told by his friends explictly that he is an A and all the things he has done. She doesn't seem to care.

Since TC, you are his ex, I doubt your voice would be taken seriously by her.

ToughChoices

Missfixit - Yes, XAH's ORIGINAL engagement fizzled out. This is a new girl.

And, for what it's worth, my X claims that he has told her the "whole story", and she loves him enough to accept him and make things work.

My concern is the STRIKING codependency and ignorance of alcoholism that such statements (especially combined with the caretaking behaviors) reveal. I recognize it now because I've lived it, and I'd like to save the woman some pain.

But, she is an adult.
And I needed my pain - perhaps she needs her own.

I will not be interfering in either of their lives.

peaceteach

Consider it "robbing" the new girl of the life lessons that will guide her ultimately. And would a new girl really believe an "ex", anyway?

But enough focus on them. That party sounded awesome! Way to get out there and socialize and have fun without drama, T.C.!