A postcard from the other side
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A postcard from the other side
So here it is three weeks after the big move from living with my ABF to taking up residency in my friend's basement.
The initial tension I felt from my friend has thankfully resolved itself. To those who suggested I give her space and reassure her I intend to find my own housing soon..thank you! I did just that, and in time she mellowed.
When the time was right I had a good talk with her and things are far better. She was so overwhelmed at the time of my arrival it's no wonder she was cross. I've been actively looking for a place to rent. She's even seemed disappointed when I find one of interest.
My contact with now XABF has dwindled down to only occasional texts and phone calls mostly his contact to me. I'm trying to get him off my accounts (insurance,phone, etc) and he's dragging his feet getting his own.
Things seem to be going his way, of course. He got a better paying job, better apartment, and he's back with old friends having a great time single, yada yada yada. I try to direct the conversation to matters of business, but I think he's enjoying how it gets me down. It's petty to be envious and it's not how I want to feel but I'm not on my own two feet yet and jealously seems to sneak up on me. I feel like he's doing so well and I'm still struggling. Ugh.
I really want to just drop him like a hot potato from my accounts and cut him loose with no notice/no contact. This attitude really seems to put off my friends and family and they think that's being a b***h. If he can afford his own bill why is it wrong to expect him to do it? I see their point in that it only creates hostility to be harsh and that's pointless, but they didn't have to live with him and they all say I should have left him long ago. Make up your minds if you're going to keep putting in your two cents why don'tcha?
I decided to at least start the ball downhill and tipped off the auto insurance that we didn't live together anymore. I gave them his phone number and they notified him he was being dropped that night. Oooh, you would have thought I unleashed hell upon him. He called in a fit. I put it off on the insurance company and told him I sympathized with his plight. He had no choice but to arrange for his own policy. He's quite proud of himself now for taking care of it and still having money for beer. (Oh, who wouldn't be proud of that!? -sarcasm)
He has since been racking up the minutes on my family phone plan. I finally called the cell company for ideas on dropping him without incurring alot of penalties and found out I can just sign over his line's contract to him. He'll save a lot of money, and I won't have to pay for the added line any more or incur alot of extra fees to drop it, which I surely can't afford. He has a set amount of time to get it taken care of or they'll suspend the line for me. I called to tell him the news and to give him the deadline. I stressed the money saving he'll get out of it, and that seemed to quell his agitation. Isn't it amazing how someone who has ridden along for years on someone else's bill can be so PO'd about having to pay their own way? What a sense of entitlement, sheesh!
I try to remind myself that three weeks apart is nothing compared to the 10+ years we spent together. I swear it would take me more time to untangle Christmas lights each year than it has taken to untangle myself from X thus far. And who cares anyway what other people think of my attitude. If I let him walk all over me and continue to pay his bills while he drinks away his paychecks they'll condemn me for not being strong enough to break clean from him. If it's bitchy to cut financial ties, than I guess that's what I am.
Other people's opinions of me are none of my business, right?
Bringing the focus back to me...I am actually enjoying the extra time in my day to spend working. I like my job and without the added stress in my personal life, I'm enjoying it more. That's good new for my pocketbook, which was emptied by moving expenses. I'm trying to find more creative ways to exercise since my beloved treadmill seems to blow every circuit in my friend's house when I turn it on. I started a yoga program, which I'm really enjoying. I've tried some new recipes, and have been gathering up more things to go to Goodwill. The idea of not packing as much stuff up again is rather appealing. My pets have all settled in and seem to be just fine with only one parent. Sometimes I wonder if they think of X or wonder where he is, but between hunting the odd grasshopper that makes it in and vying for room on the rug when the sun shines in in the morning, they all seem pretty preoccupied.
In my recovery, I am reading now on step 4. I hit the words 'fearless moral inventory' and got woozy. Seems a little daunting. It took me 6 months to get through steps 2 and 3. I guess I've got the extra time. If I apply myself, I may get through step 4 before Valentine's Day.
That's my postcard from the other side...The view is getting better...Wish you were here!
Alice
The initial tension I felt from my friend has thankfully resolved itself. To those who suggested I give her space and reassure her I intend to find my own housing soon..thank you! I did just that, and in time she mellowed.
When the time was right I had a good talk with her and things are far better. She was so overwhelmed at the time of my arrival it's no wonder she was cross. I've been actively looking for a place to rent. She's even seemed disappointed when I find one of interest.
My contact with now XABF has dwindled down to only occasional texts and phone calls mostly his contact to me. I'm trying to get him off my accounts (insurance,phone, etc) and he's dragging his feet getting his own.
Things seem to be going his way, of course. He got a better paying job, better apartment, and he's back with old friends having a great time single, yada yada yada. I try to direct the conversation to matters of business, but I think he's enjoying how it gets me down. It's petty to be envious and it's not how I want to feel but I'm not on my own two feet yet and jealously seems to sneak up on me. I feel like he's doing so well and I'm still struggling. Ugh.
I really want to just drop him like a hot potato from my accounts and cut him loose with no notice/no contact. This attitude really seems to put off my friends and family and they think that's being a b***h. If he can afford his own bill why is it wrong to expect him to do it? I see their point in that it only creates hostility to be harsh and that's pointless, but they didn't have to live with him and they all say I should have left him long ago. Make up your minds if you're going to keep putting in your two cents why don'tcha?
I decided to at least start the ball downhill and tipped off the auto insurance that we didn't live together anymore. I gave them his phone number and they notified him he was being dropped that night. Oooh, you would have thought I unleashed hell upon him. He called in a fit. I put it off on the insurance company and told him I sympathized with his plight. He had no choice but to arrange for his own policy. He's quite proud of himself now for taking care of it and still having money for beer. (Oh, who wouldn't be proud of that!? -sarcasm)
He has since been racking up the minutes on my family phone plan. I finally called the cell company for ideas on dropping him without incurring alot of penalties and found out I can just sign over his line's contract to him. He'll save a lot of money, and I won't have to pay for the added line any more or incur alot of extra fees to drop it, which I surely can't afford. He has a set amount of time to get it taken care of or they'll suspend the line for me. I called to tell him the news and to give him the deadline. I stressed the money saving he'll get out of it, and that seemed to quell his agitation. Isn't it amazing how someone who has ridden along for years on someone else's bill can be so PO'd about having to pay their own way? What a sense of entitlement, sheesh!
I try to remind myself that three weeks apart is nothing compared to the 10+ years we spent together. I swear it would take me more time to untangle Christmas lights each year than it has taken to untangle myself from X thus far. And who cares anyway what other people think of my attitude. If I let him walk all over me and continue to pay his bills while he drinks away his paychecks they'll condemn me for not being strong enough to break clean from him. If it's bitchy to cut financial ties, than I guess that's what I am.
Other people's opinions of me are none of my business, right?
Bringing the focus back to me...I am actually enjoying the extra time in my day to spend working. I like my job and without the added stress in my personal life, I'm enjoying it more. That's good new for my pocketbook, which was emptied by moving expenses. I'm trying to find more creative ways to exercise since my beloved treadmill seems to blow every circuit in my friend's house when I turn it on. I started a yoga program, which I'm really enjoying. I've tried some new recipes, and have been gathering up more things to go to Goodwill. The idea of not packing as much stuff up again is rather appealing. My pets have all settled in and seem to be just fine with only one parent. Sometimes I wonder if they think of X or wonder where he is, but between hunting the odd grasshopper that makes it in and vying for room on the rug when the sun shines in in the morning, they all seem pretty preoccupied.
In my recovery, I am reading now on step 4. I hit the words 'fearless moral inventory' and got woozy. Seems a little daunting. It took me 6 months to get through steps 2 and 3. I guess I've got the extra time. If I apply myself, I may get through step 4 before Valentine's Day.
That's my postcard from the other side...The view is getting better...Wish you were here!
Alice
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Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Ah, but we ARE there, Alice! 
But the question is, do you WANT my company? Because I'm this:
Me too!!! Welcome to the party. Cold drinks are in the cooler and the appetizers are on their way. Whiny exes who still need their behinds wiped are not invited. Your friends need to really get a clue, imho: he can obviously afford to get his own everything, and I am frankly a little surprised you chose to let some of those things go this long....though I understand why. Those friends, in my eyes, would be a bit suspect. But remember: I'm a b**** !
Do you think it would be good operant conditioning if every time he poked at you with "I'm so happy being single" you casually responded that, good, and by the way, you're dropping him from another of your accounts? Think he'd get a clue about how to treat you with respect?
Thanks for the postcard!!
But the question is, do you WANT my company? Because I'm this:
If it's bitchy to cut financial ties, than I guess that's what I am.
Do you think it would be good operant conditioning if every time he poked at you with "I'm so happy being single" you casually responded that, good, and by the way, you're dropping him from another of your accounts? Think he'd get a clue about how to treat you with respect?
Thanks for the postcard!!
Me too! Member
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Thank you GL!
I had the snitty conversation with X about the auto insurance getting cut the same day I saw my folks for dinner out. We were leaving the restaurant when they asked if I'd been in contact with him and if we were still on speaking terms. I said that up until that day things were amicable, but I was on his s**t list for getting him knocked off my insurance. I was still feeling defensive about his reaction and added, "well, he's a big boy, he can insure his own bad driving." (I did not say drunk driving, at least). They both actually took a step back away from me and my father made that damn tsk tsk tsk sound that he always does when he disapproves of something. I kept my resolve and and smiled and said, it's okay if you don't approve, it's not your dime being spent. They exchanged a glance then looked back at me. I said, "Can you tell I wore my big girl pants this evening?"
I'm sure my 'to heck with him' delivery was the issue and not necessarily the issue of dropping him from the account. If they remembered that everything was in my name, they would have insisted I take care of it sooner.
Thanks for the cool drinks and snacks!! I'm a big fan of parlor games so I hope Pin the Tail on the Codependent and 12-step Pictionary are on the agenda. I've got my dancing shoes on!!!
I had the snitty conversation with X about the auto insurance getting cut the same day I saw my folks for dinner out. We were leaving the restaurant when they asked if I'd been in contact with him and if we were still on speaking terms. I said that up until that day things were amicable, but I was on his s**t list for getting him knocked off my insurance. I was still feeling defensive about his reaction and added, "well, he's a big boy, he can insure his own bad driving." (I did not say drunk driving, at least). They both actually took a step back away from me and my father made that damn tsk tsk tsk sound that he always does when he disapproves of something. I kept my resolve and and smiled and said, it's okay if you don't approve, it's not your dime being spent. They exchanged a glance then looked back at me. I said, "Can you tell I wore my big girl pants this evening?"
I'm sure my 'to heck with him' delivery was the issue and not necessarily the issue of dropping him from the account. If they remembered that everything was in my name, they would have insisted I take care of it sooner.
Thanks for the cool drinks and snacks!! I'm a big fan of parlor games so I hope Pin the Tail on the Codependent and 12-step Pictionary are on the agenda. I've got my dancing shoes on!!!
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StillWaters, thanks for saying that. You know I put the book down and actually said out loud in bed...Are they serious!??? Thankfully, I was lying down when I read it.
I didn't think that step came until further down the line. I don't even know where to start with it.
I didn't think that step came until further down the line. I don't even know where to start with it.
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Doing really well Alice, and if caring for yourself and YOUR finances by dropping the dead wood on your accounts, and expecting XABF to pay his own way is being bitchy, then tough bikkies.
As for the "friends" who tell you to leave him, then suggest you are not nice to drop him off your accounts etc, :wtf2 do they want? Do they want you to leave him but go on supporting him in the manner to which he has become accustomed? Tell them to get real, and haven't they noticed he is a grown man, an adult, not a kid. (then again!!!)
He's got 2 feet hasn't he? Let him learn to stand on them, it may be such a novel experience that he gets to like being an adult responsible for his business at last.
Keep it going and be as bitchy as you need to be, tho I would call it responsible self caring and independance.
As for the "friends" who tell you to leave him, then suggest you are not nice to drop him off your accounts etc, :wtf2 do they want? Do they want you to leave him but go on supporting him in the manner to which he has become accustomed? Tell them to get real, and haven't they noticed he is a grown man, an adult, not a kid. (then again!!!)
He's got 2 feet hasn't he? Let him learn to stand on them, it may be such a novel experience that he gets to like being an adult responsible for his business at last.
Keep it going and be as bitchy as you need to be, tho I would call it responsible self caring and independance.
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
I'm a big fan of parlor games so I hope Pin the Tail on the Codependent and 12-step Pictionary are on the agenda.
Go!
(okay, so it's an easy one to start)
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It sounds like the "ride" is getting a little easier for you. I am so happy for you! Going through the same thing here. I kicked my long time XABF out of my house about three weeks ago. Fortunately, we didn't have any joint accounts for insurance or phones, but there is still the nagging question of our joint kids (two dogs). Our contact has also dwindled. We used to talk and email constantly throughout the day but now down to about one email a day. As dreary as that sounds though, things are looking up! I am sure loving this idea of not worrying about someone for 24-7 and letting go. I hope you find your own happy abode soon so you can turn the treadmill up to high speed whenever you want!
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hi alice-
thanks for the update. it is very helpful to hear of your progress. you've actually inspired me to try to work step 2 today, i've been stuck on step 1 for months now.
personally, i find sans-xABF, i am a bit at a loss for what to do with myself. wondering if you are experiencing the same? i keep reminding myself to be present in the moment and be content with simple things...
glad you got him off of the accounts. no more free ride!
naive
thanks for the update. it is very helpful to hear of your progress. you've actually inspired me to try to work step 2 today, i've been stuck on step 1 for months now.
personally, i find sans-xABF, i am a bit at a loss for what to do with myself. wondering if you are experiencing the same? i keep reminding myself to be present in the moment and be content with simple things...
glad you got him off of the accounts. no more free ride!
naive
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GL- I did say I love parlor games, but I forgot to mention, I'm not very good at them.
That puzzle had me pondering all night!! I feel silly even guessing at it...no I can't, I know it's the wrong answer...AHHH what is it??????
That puzzle had me pondering all night!! I feel silly even guessing at it...no I can't, I know it's the wrong answer...AHHH what is it??????
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Naive - Good luck on step two. That one was a big one for me not having been a religious person. I guess my idea of an HP doesn't go to the depth of most religions. Thankfully, it doesn't have to right?
One of my biggest hurdles is an underlying current of anxiety. I always feel like I'm supposed to be doing something at certain times of the day....when I eat, when I work, when I feed or walk the dogs, or when I check on my horses.
I've come to realize that my schedule and even my own body clock had became so tied to what X was doing, or not doing, or wanted to have done at a certain time, that I have to remind myself repeatedly that I govern me and my everyday now and no one else.
I just never acknowledged that my getting things done at certain times or in a certain way in order to avoid angering him or just to avoid him all together had become my life and I had become so fearful of his bad moods that I revolved myself around staying away from them.
To the opposite end, I do find that I feel a little off kilter. I have less of a concept of time now than I did before. Sometimes I stay up late working or watching a movie and suddenly realize that I've stayed up too late and I've been missing sleep because of it.
My friend seems to get so much done during her day and seems to be busy with different projects and a social calender. My goal is to one thing to my usual routine at a time until I get used to having a more well-rounded life. You know, a couple social activities a month, some creative projects to get busy with, etc.
I think we can do this. It'll just take time.
Alice
One of my biggest hurdles is an underlying current of anxiety. I always feel like I'm supposed to be doing something at certain times of the day....when I eat, when I work, when I feed or walk the dogs, or when I check on my horses.
I've come to realize that my schedule and even my own body clock had became so tied to what X was doing, or not doing, or wanted to have done at a certain time, that I have to remind myself repeatedly that I govern me and my everyday now and no one else.
I just never acknowledged that my getting things done at certain times or in a certain way in order to avoid angering him or just to avoid him all together had become my life and I had become so fearful of his bad moods that I revolved myself around staying away from them.
To the opposite end, I do find that I feel a little off kilter. I have less of a concept of time now than I did before. Sometimes I stay up late working or watching a movie and suddenly realize that I've stayed up too late and I've been missing sleep because of it.
My friend seems to get so much done during her day and seems to be busy with different projects and a social calender. My goal is to one thing to my usual routine at a time until I get used to having a more well-rounded life. You know, a couple social activities a month, some creative projects to get busy with, etc.
I think we can do this. It'll just take time.
Alice
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Don't be jealous remember of you both your the one who is really free! He's still not free of all those same personality problems you left behind.
I read all your posts. HE lost a good thing. Along with all those wonderful little furry buddies! It's easy to look back and feel stuff; after all that's what we knew. It's you (not him) who was strong enough to leave and is working and doing the really hard stuff. It's easy to party and do what he's doing... heck we can all do that. Also remember... My first exAH use to play up how great his life was until he wanted to get back with me, then he told me how empty his life was.
It's you who give people like me hope and inspiration; not him...
Hugs and prayers...
Edit: Post to your first post...
I read all your posts. HE lost a good thing. Along with all those wonderful little furry buddies! It's easy to look back and feel stuff; after all that's what we knew. It's you (not him) who was strong enough to leave and is working and doing the really hard stuff. It's easy to party and do what he's doing... heck we can all do that. Also remember... My first exAH use to play up how great his life was until he wanted to get back with me, then he told me how empty his life was.
It's you who give people like me hope and inspiration; not him...
Hugs and prayers...
Edit: Post to your first post...
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
I hit the words 'fearless moral inventory' and got woozy.
Me too...until someone pointed out to me that I would get to look at all the strengths and positive things about me that were buried during my slide into insane codependent behavior. That part of the fearless moral inventory greatly helped my recovery.
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Hint: That's Jet Li in his martial arts film, "Fearless." Okay, so it's lame
I had a very hard time with this step at first too -- but of all the steps, this is the one that really & truly opened my life up, helping me learn to love myself fiercely (flaws and all). I revisit it all the time in my journal, and it's helped me cultivate a tremendous amount of tenderness toward myself once I got over the conditioning that I ought to be perfect. We are all good people, with dark and light sides.
I had a very hard time with this step at first too -- but of all the steps, this is the one that really & truly opened my life up, helping me learn to love myself fiercely (flaws and all). I revisit it all the time in my journal, and it's helped me cultivate a tremendous amount of tenderness toward myself once I got over the conditioning that I ought to be perfect. We are all good people, with dark and light sides.
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That old step 4 (ding ding ding ding ding) That DOES look like inspection (instead of searching), doesn't it? I'm not very good at pictionary LOL
Anyway, a little bit of levity. I'm glad you're doing better, Alice, and I don't care what your folks think - you're great
Anyway, a little bit of levity. I'm glad you're doing better, Alice, and I don't care what your folks think - you're great
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