Should I involve his family?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Should I involve his family?
I’m working on a plan to get my AH out of the house. He still refuses to speak to me because I called the police a few days ago. When he’s ready, we will speak and I will lay out the options: divorce and he moves out or separation, he gets treatment, and if it’s successful he can move back in in 6 months.
The lawyer can now only see me Monday but he’s emailed me and I do know I can file a divorce motion in court to have custody of the kids and stay in the house with them. The motion would most likely be granted. In the meantime, I was thinking of speaking to my AH’s family about what’s going on (they have no idea) in case he refuses to leave voluntarily. The thought I had is that perhaps his family can convince him to move out if I can’t and this could avoid a court order. The reason I’m hesitating is that I’m not sure what reaction I may get if I do that. He has a brother who does not drink and whose wife also does not drink (they never have) and they are reasonable, level-headed people. This brother had issues in the past with his first wife’s drinking. I think I could probably get support from them. However, this particular brother seems to be quite dependent on his mother and may be less supportive if his mother is not of the same view. Then there are my AH’s parents who are themselves heavy drinkers and whom I view as instrumental in perpetuating the denial of alcoholism in the family. However, they are very fond of the children and I thought I may appeal to them for their support at this level. On the other hand, they may have a knee jerk reaction to support their son and view me at the “evil wife”. They have another son who has been troubled by alcoholism and other problems and they blamed his now ex-wife for their marriage breakdown but their story is also different from mine. Finally, there is a sister who lives nearby who drinks but I don’t think it’s problematic and I know for a fact she is in denial about her father’s alcoholism. She also has a boyfriend who I think drinks heavily. She also tends to take her cue from her mother.
I think my in-laws are fond of me overall but we have at times had a tense relationship (mostly because I’m not like them!). They have also had a tense relationship at times with my AH for different reasons but overall the relationship is fairly good. Has anyone tried to get support from their AH’s family and how did it work out?
The lawyer can now only see me Monday but he’s emailed me and I do know I can file a divorce motion in court to have custody of the kids and stay in the house with them. The motion would most likely be granted. In the meantime, I was thinking of speaking to my AH’s family about what’s going on (they have no idea) in case he refuses to leave voluntarily. The thought I had is that perhaps his family can convince him to move out if I can’t and this could avoid a court order. The reason I’m hesitating is that I’m not sure what reaction I may get if I do that. He has a brother who does not drink and whose wife also does not drink (they never have) and they are reasonable, level-headed people. This brother had issues in the past with his first wife’s drinking. I think I could probably get support from them. However, this particular brother seems to be quite dependent on his mother and may be less supportive if his mother is not of the same view. Then there are my AH’s parents who are themselves heavy drinkers and whom I view as instrumental in perpetuating the denial of alcoholism in the family. However, they are very fond of the children and I thought I may appeal to them for their support at this level. On the other hand, they may have a knee jerk reaction to support their son and view me at the “evil wife”. They have another son who has been troubled by alcoholism and other problems and they blamed his now ex-wife for their marriage breakdown but their story is also different from mine. Finally, there is a sister who lives nearby who drinks but I don’t think it’s problematic and I know for a fact she is in denial about her father’s alcoholism. She also has a boyfriend who I think drinks heavily. She also tends to take her cue from her mother.
I think my in-laws are fond of me overall but we have at times had a tense relationship (mostly because I’m not like them!). They have also had a tense relationship at times with my AH for different reasons but overall the relationship is fairly good. Has anyone tried to get support from their AH’s family and how did it work out?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Long ago, my X's family turned on me like a pack of wolves when I tried (reasonably, I thought) to request their help in our situation.
It's not something I would repeat. Blood IS thicker than water in many cases, and you may open a gigantic can of worms and make your home situation even worse by doing so. And anyway: what difference can it make? He's a grown man; if he needs his family's help, he will ask them, right? Examine your motives carefully. If it's some kind of support from them you're hoping for, you may be very disappointed.
But that's just my experience. Others may have happier stories to share.
Good luck with the attorney, Venice
It's not something I would repeat. Blood IS thicker than water in many cases, and you may open a gigantic can of worms and make your home situation even worse by doing so. And anyway: what difference can it make? He's a grown man; if he needs his family's help, he will ask them, right? Examine your motives carefully. If it's some kind of support from them you're hoping for, you may be very disappointed.
But that's just my experience. Others may have happier stories to share.
Good luck with the attorney, Venice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
My XABF's family were highly supportive of me throughout my relationship with him. There was a time when his mother said she hoped that she and I could remain close if it didn't work out with her son down the road. (She had a habit of saying off the wall things as it was, and I found it weird to say at the time.)
Anyway, as his alcoholism became worse and he backed away from his family, I found myself at the butt end of their irritation with him. I guess I was his savior when I had him all cleaned up and hauled him to family functions, but when I let him handle his own drama with his own relations, I failed him (and them) somehow.
I did not discuss my intentions of leaving him with his family. I felt strongly that they would support whatever he told them as truth out of loyalty, love, habit, denial, you name it. No one has made contact with me, and the last I heard, they blame me for his current circumstances (regardless of the fact that he seems to be doing just fine without me and is back in contact with them. An addict needs his enablers after all).
I guess my two pennie's worth to you is to trust yourself. If you have any doubt about his family members being supportive or helpful be it by their own drinking or their own dependencies, let it be and say nothing. The ones who support you will come out of the woodwork quickly enough when word gets to them. The ones who don't are not worth your energy or effort to brief them.
You may be feeling the need to gather your flock of supporters to stand by you and tout your side of the story. Goodness knows I felt like I needed an army to march behind me. BUT as you go through the process of separation, you will look around and realize just how many people have been silently rooting for you all this time.
Alice
Anyway, as his alcoholism became worse and he backed away from his family, I found myself at the butt end of their irritation with him. I guess I was his savior when I had him all cleaned up and hauled him to family functions, but when I let him handle his own drama with his own relations, I failed him (and them) somehow.
I did not discuss my intentions of leaving him with his family. I felt strongly that they would support whatever he told them as truth out of loyalty, love, habit, denial, you name it. No one has made contact with me, and the last I heard, they blame me for his current circumstances (regardless of the fact that he seems to be doing just fine without me and is back in contact with them. An addict needs his enablers after all).
I guess my two pennie's worth to you is to trust yourself. If you have any doubt about his family members being supportive or helpful be it by their own drinking or their own dependencies, let it be and say nothing. The ones who support you will come out of the woodwork quickly enough when word gets to them. The ones who don't are not worth your energy or effort to brief them.
You may be feeling the need to gather your flock of supporters to stand by you and tout your side of the story. Goodness knows I felt like I needed an army to march behind me. BUT as you go through the process of separation, you will look around and realize just how many people have been silently rooting for you all this time.
Alice
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'd say investigate what YOU need by way of SUPPORT from others for YOURSELF, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. Then, identify the people within your circle who can provide support to you. If there are not enough people to support YOU, locate sources of support outside your circle.
If you decide that you need support from your husband's family to meet YOUR needs, it could go either way. Determine whether or not his family can provide you with what YOU need.
You may be only considering this in order to get help for HIM, or to get someone on your side for security through all of this. If you do choose to evoke support from them, be prepared for it to backfire, and backfire badly. I have done this several times, for the pure reason that I did not want to take responsibility for helping the other person but felt that someone else needed to do so. "I take care of my family, you take care of yours." I will point it out to the family that their loved one needs help and try to wash my hands of it. That's my attitude. But I have had people react to me like I am stalking them, make me look to others as though I am "the one who is nuts", and threaten to kill me.
The family of origin's attitudes and behavior are often reflective of the attitudes and behavior of "your" alcoholic or addict. If the family members have not entered Recovery themselves, they are often very defensive when you reveal things like this to them. They often do not understand what it is you want them to do, and from my experience, get very self-conscious and blaming about what caused the person to become this way and act this way.
If you do approach them, have a short list of what exactly you would like them to do in order to support you in your efforts to help their loved one.
I know you're worried about your husband but what's helpful to me at this moment in my life is to keep telling myself as many times as necessary to:
Let Go of The Outcomes.
Live in the present moment, even if it's second to second.
If you decide that you need support from your husband's family to meet YOUR needs, it could go either way. Determine whether or not his family can provide you with what YOU need.
You may be only considering this in order to get help for HIM, or to get someone on your side for security through all of this. If you do choose to evoke support from them, be prepared for it to backfire, and backfire badly. I have done this several times, for the pure reason that I did not want to take responsibility for helping the other person but felt that someone else needed to do so. "I take care of my family, you take care of yours." I will point it out to the family that their loved one needs help and try to wash my hands of it. That's my attitude. But I have had people react to me like I am stalking them, make me look to others as though I am "the one who is nuts", and threaten to kill me.
The family of origin's attitudes and behavior are often reflective of the attitudes and behavior of "your" alcoholic or addict. If the family members have not entered Recovery themselves, they are often very defensive when you reveal things like this to them. They often do not understand what it is you want them to do, and from my experience, get very self-conscious and blaming about what caused the person to become this way and act this way.
If you do approach them, have a short list of what exactly you would like them to do in order to support you in your efforts to help their loved one.
I know you're worried about your husband but what's helpful to me at this moment in my life is to keep telling myself as many times as necessary to:
Let Go of The Outcomes.
Live in the present moment, even if it's second to second.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
[QUOTE] ItsmeAlice, I guess I obviously have doubts or I wouldn;t have posed the question. I'm thinking that their own issues with alcohol may cloud their ability to see that a second son is on a path of self-destruction.
I agree!
Surprisingly enough, that's really not what's motivating me to consider involving his family. What I really want is help to get him to leave without my having to go the court order route. But the more I think about it, if I did involve them with the idea of their helping me get him out then by extension they would have to admit he has a problem and try to get him to accept treatment. They couldn't just agree he has a problem, convince him to leave for the good of everyone and then leave it at that, could they? I think this would involve them having to look closely at their own drinking patterns and that may take them to a very uncomfortable place.
I guess my two pennie's worth to you is to trust yourself. If you have any doubt about his family members being supportive or helpful be it by their own drinking or their own dependencies, let it be and say nothing.
The ones who support you will come out of the woodwork quickly enough when word gets to them. The ones who don't are not worth your energy or effort to brief them.
You may be feeling the need to gather your flock of supporters to stand by you and tout your side of the story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
I'd say investigate what YOU need by way of SUPPORT from others for YOURSELF, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. Then, identify the people within your circle who can provide support to you. If there are not enough people to support YOU, locate sources of support outside your circle.
If you decide that you need support from your husband's family to meet YOUR needs, it could go either way. Determine whether or not his family can provide you with what YOU need.
You may be only considering this in order to get help for HIM, or to get someone on your side for security through all of this.
The family of origin's attitudes and behavior are often reflective of the attitudes and behavior of "your" alcoholic or addict. If the family members have not entered Recovery themselves, they are often very defensive when you reveal things like this to them.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I did not involve my inlaws. I still have not spoken to them. My X didn't tell his own brother we seperated, divorced until we had been divorced 3 months.
My inlaws have had contact with the children and met for a meal. It is his (x) family and he can tell them what he wants, when he wants.
This forum is a great place to bounce ideas about. Get your thoughts out there and see who has had similar experiences.
Concerning telling your own family and friends, I have found Al Anon very helpful in learning to open up to others. It's easy here to share because we are anonymous, but it takes practice to share deep feelings, hurts and embarassments with other people face to face. Al Anon is a good, safe place to share your feelings. It gets easier. After you start working the steps, you have the confidence to let go of the past and set it free!
My inlaws have had contact with the children and met for a meal. It is his (x) family and he can tell them what he wants, when he wants.
This forum is a great place to bounce ideas about. Get your thoughts out there and see who has had similar experiences.
Concerning telling your own family and friends, I have found Al Anon very helpful in learning to open up to others. It's easy here to share because we are anonymous, but it takes practice to share deep feelings, hurts and embarassments with other people face to face. Al Anon is a good, safe place to share your feelings. It gets easier. After you start working the steps, you have the confidence to let go of the past and set it free!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Venice 
When he’s ready, we will speak and I will lay out the options: divorce and he moves out or separation, he gets treatment, and if it’s successful he can move back in in 6 months.
Originally Posted by Venice
Has anyone tried to get support from their AH’s family and how did it work out?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
Venice,
I finally involved my AH's family, and I wished that I had done so a lot earlier. They suspected something was up, but either they didn't want to get involved, or they were just waiting for me to ask for help. Unfortunately, it has put a strain on the relationship he has with his sisters, but for me it has been a godsend. I finally was able to lean on someone and stop pretending that everything was ok.
They are very supportive of whatever I decide to do. In fact, I'm sure they think that it is going to take me leaving him for it really to sink in that he has a problem. Denial is his biggest issue right now, and he feels he can kick this thing on his own without a support group other than his family. Unfortunately, his family doesn't want to be the only support group!
I'd say, involve them if you feel it is best for you.
I finally involved my AH's family, and I wished that I had done so a lot earlier. They suspected something was up, but either they didn't want to get involved, or they were just waiting for me to ask for help. Unfortunately, it has put a strain on the relationship he has with his sisters, but for me it has been a godsend. I finally was able to lean on someone and stop pretending that everything was ok.
They are very supportive of whatever I decide to do. In fact, I'm sure they think that it is going to take me leaving him for it really to sink in that he has a problem. Denial is his biggest issue right now, and he feels he can kick this thing on his own without a support group other than his family. Unfortunately, his family doesn't want to be the only support group!
I'd say, involve them if you feel it is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi venice-
since you asked, i would simply move forward and get the courts to issue the order. do you really want to add to the drama by involving his family? do you want to answer to a whole bunch of people who will have their own opinions but who have not lived through the last few years with you?
make your move. make it on your own power. if you know what you want, then go and get it.
i agree with others here, get support from those who you trust in your own circle and leave it to him to involve his family or not.
just my two cents.
naive
since you asked, i would simply move forward and get the courts to issue the order. do you really want to add to the drama by involving his family? do you want to answer to a whole bunch of people who will have their own opinions but who have not lived through the last few years with you?
make your move. make it on your own power. if you know what you want, then go and get it.
i agree with others here, get support from those who you trust in your own circle and leave it to him to involve his family or not.
just my two cents.
naive
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Earthworm and everyone else who responded,
Thank you and right now I'm very glad I decided not to involve his family - it would not have been worth it! Really appreciate the advice I got here. Thanks so much.
Thank you and right now I'm very glad I decided not to involve his family - it would not have been worth it! Really appreciate the advice I got here. Thanks so much.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I can honestly say, in the early days neither myself or any others in my family believed my sister in law when she tried to tell us about my brothers alcoholism. We seriously thought she was bitter that he 'enjoyed a pint or two' after a hard week at work.
Looking back I really do think she helped us with that as she covered for him for so long, then expected us to just jump and hep her out when she decided to stop covering. We never had any alcohol issues in our family until my brother, and we really didn't understand, her family has a history of alcoholism. I'm not blaming her or excusing us, just trying to explain how and why we, as an alcoholics family reacted as we did to her revelations.
I honestly now wish we'd taken her seriously from the first, although I don't think it would have made a difference to the final outcome.
Looking back I really do think she helped us with that as she covered for him for so long, then expected us to just jump and hep her out when she decided to stop covering. We never had any alcohol issues in our family until my brother, and we really didn't understand, her family has a history of alcoholism. I'm not blaming her or excusing us, just trying to explain how and why we, as an alcoholics family reacted as we did to her revelations.
I honestly now wish we'd taken her seriously from the first, although I don't think it would have made a difference to the final outcome.
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