Ideas for non-fixing responses to pleas for help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Ideas for non-fixing responses to pleas for help?
Hi everyone,
My MIH (mentally husband) and I separated recently. I've taken care of him in true codependent fashion for a lot of years now, but took the first steps in askin ghim to move out as his abusive behavior had become intolerable.
He is struggling and I feel bad for him, his income is significantly less than mine, in addition is not liked at work, had an on-the-job injury and the only reason he still has a job there is because they have to keep him employed until he is released for full duty. He's had to move into a one-bedroom apartment, and during the week the kids can't do overnights with him because he has to leave too early in the morning to be able to drop them at child care.
Day before yesterday he called to tell me he had been to his first CODA meeting, which I think is great. Then he asked me if there was any hope for us to get back together in the future. I'm floored - I mean, he only moved out LAST weekend? He sees that I am clearly happier - in fact he mentioned it.
This is the kind of manipulative stuff that I have such a hard time with - I am a people pleaser and my instinct is to not cause any pain with my responses. I am having a tough time trying to find non-commital responses to these questions but also responses that I can give him without being angry or losing my temper - we have two little kids and us fighting with each other is one of the reasons we have separated. I want to try to keep our interactions with each other on a high road and not resort to insults and anger.
Any suggestions?
My MIH (mentally husband) and I separated recently. I've taken care of him in true codependent fashion for a lot of years now, but took the first steps in askin ghim to move out as his abusive behavior had become intolerable.
He is struggling and I feel bad for him, his income is significantly less than mine, in addition is not liked at work, had an on-the-job injury and the only reason he still has a job there is because they have to keep him employed until he is released for full duty. He's had to move into a one-bedroom apartment, and during the week the kids can't do overnights with him because he has to leave too early in the morning to be able to drop them at child care.
Day before yesterday he called to tell me he had been to his first CODA meeting, which I think is great. Then he asked me if there was any hope for us to get back together in the future. I'm floored - I mean, he only moved out LAST weekend? He sees that I am clearly happier - in fact he mentioned it.
This is the kind of manipulative stuff that I have such a hard time with - I am a people pleaser and my instinct is to not cause any pain with my responses. I am having a tough time trying to find non-commital responses to these questions but also responses that I can give him without being angry or losing my temper - we have two little kids and us fighting with each other is one of the reasons we have separated. I want to try to keep our interactions with each other on a high road and not resort to insults and anger.
Any suggestions?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I learned in recovery that the alcoholics/addicts in my life had the best intentions of doing things a "better" way - they were full of promises, of "I'll do better" or this time it will be different, etc - AND for my own welfare, recovery and best interest - I decided to start basing my decisions, thoughts and plans on ACTIONS not intentions.
AND ACTIONS TAKE TIME.
If I was uncomfortable being asked those question, I believe that I would have to set a boundary.
"Questions about this issue make me uncomfortable."
"I need to see the actions to match your intentions before I am able to consider anything further."
When the time is right to consider our future, we can discuss it then. I believe right now we have plenty of other issues to focus on. Until then, let's not discuss that matter."
Just some things I might would try to say to stop the conversation from being manipulated. AND of course you always have the right to say
"I have asked you not to pressure me about this, you have not honored this boundary, so I am hanging up the phone. Good bye"
HUGS to you,
Rita
AND ACTIONS TAKE TIME.
If I was uncomfortable being asked those question, I believe that I would have to set a boundary.
"Questions about this issue make me uncomfortable."
"I need to see the actions to match your intentions before I am able to consider anything further."
When the time is right to consider our future, we can discuss it then. I believe right now we have plenty of other issues to focus on. Until then, let's not discuss that matter."
Just some things I might would try to say to stop the conversation from being manipulated. AND of course you always have the right to say
"I have asked you not to pressure me about this, you have not honored this boundary, so I am hanging up the phone. Good bye"
HUGS to you,
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Thanks for your responses. They help. Interestingly, today he called me in a panic - seems the workmans' comp person found out he had moved into a 3rd floor apartment (with a knee injury) and is having his claim investigated. He was losing it on the phone, asking me what he should do.
What I WANTED to do was tell him I'd start helping him find a lawyer, talk to someone at work, make suggestions about who he should call. What I did was only slightly less bad, I suggested he contact a lawyer and explain and maybe they would be able to tell him whether he needed a lawyer or not. Then I suggested he deal first with his panic and anxiety, since those seemed to be overwhelming him. Then I got mad at myself for once again being involved in trying to "solve" him and extricated myself from the call.
Insert picture here of me beating my head on the desk. Why can I tell other people how to deal with codependent behavior and can't seem to stop doing it myself?????? Blurgh. I have SOOOOOOOO much work to do.
What I WANTED to do was tell him I'd start helping him find a lawyer, talk to someone at work, make suggestions about who he should call. What I did was only slightly less bad, I suggested he contact a lawyer and explain and maybe they would be able to tell him whether he needed a lawyer or not. Then I suggested he deal first with his panic and anxiety, since those seemed to be overwhelming him. Then I got mad at myself for once again being involved in trying to "solve" him and extricated myself from the call.
Insert picture here of me beating my head on the desk. Why can I tell other people how to deal with codependent behavior and can't seem to stop doing it myself?????? Blurgh. I have SOOOOOOOO much work to do.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Attend Al-Anon. That is my very best advice.
I know what you are going through. Most of us have been exactly where you are. It's sad to watch someone drown like that but the question for you is are you going to let him take you down with him? I hope not.
Take care of yourself.
I know what you are going through. Most of us have been exactly where you are. It's sad to watch someone drown like that but the question for you is are you going to let him take you down with him? I hope not.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
IMHO, how about trying....
"I'm sorry, but I don't have any advice about that."
"I'm not sure how I feel about that."
And then, SAY NOTHING MORE ABOUT IT AT ALL. Simply repeat the statement you just made if they press you. Like a broken record if need be. Don't let them hook you into an explanation, justification or anything else. It is just the open door some people need to pick fights and justify their own stupidity and later say "It was all your fault! You wouldn't help me!"
The one I used with my ex when he wanted to start unloading on me how miserable, depressed, sex-starved and broke he always is was:
"For my own mental health and sanity, I can't get involved in your issues. I may have to make decisions in the future that you may not like and I can't have my judgement clouded." He didn't like it much, but he did accept it.
Hope these help.
"I'm sorry, but I don't have any advice about that."
"I'm not sure how I feel about that."
And then, SAY NOTHING MORE ABOUT IT AT ALL. Simply repeat the statement you just made if they press you. Like a broken record if need be. Don't let them hook you into an explanation, justification or anything else. It is just the open door some people need to pick fights and justify their own stupidity and later say "It was all your fault! You wouldn't help me!"
The one I used with my ex when he wanted to start unloading on me how miserable, depressed, sex-starved and broke he always is was:
"For my own mental health and sanity, I can't get involved in your issues. I may have to make decisions in the future that you may not like and I can't have my judgement clouded." He didn't like it much, but he did accept it.
Hope these help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Honey, I love you very much but your drinking has and continues to hurt you and our family. The dilemmas you face are the consequences of alcohol, nothing else. Anything short of meaningful sobriety will not work nor will empty promises.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Earthworm 
How about............."Oh?"
And end of conversation.
Ngaire
And end of conversation.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My 31 year old AD is an adult.
When I finally and completely let go and let God have her, my life changed for the better.
I was no longer involved in the chaos and trying to lend a 'helping hand'.
Now I give her the dignity to make her own decisions, regardless of how poor they may be.
I don't know what God has in store for her, but I do know I made the decision to stay out of his way.
When I finally and completely let go and let God have her, my life changed for the better.
I was no longer involved in the chaos and trying to lend a 'helping hand'.
Now I give her the dignity to make her own decisions, regardless of how poor they may be.
I don't know what God has in store for her, but I do know I made the decision to stay out of his way.
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