Relationship?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Relationship?
My alcoholic finance hardly seems to say a kind word to me any more. He calls me for about two minutes each day and he has no clue about what is going on in my life (we live 100 miles apart since he moved in with his Mom as he lost his house) If I want to talk about anything I am annoying him. I try to make plans and he just completely blows me off. I think most people treat their dogs and cats better then I get treated. He constantly tells me everything that is wrong with me. When he is not working he is in a bar. We never do anything except sex. No walks, movies, nothing. I see him one night every week--usual Friday. I am very lonely but it does not seem to bother him at all--I guess he has his bar buddies.
Anyway talked to his Mom tonight who he lives with and she just said it is because he is working so much and I should be glad he has work and is working which I am. Is he really working as much as he claims--I know he goes for a drink after work.
But this brings me to my question--what is a good relationship. One where someone calls you only right before bed to say good night and if you try to talk about anything they get mad at you and tell you they are tired and hang up on you. One where you try to make plans for a day at the shore and they tell you they will get back to you? Am I being selfish for not understanding and trying to get a little of his time if he really is working so hard? I really do not know anymore??
Thanks for listening,
Sheila
Anyway talked to his Mom tonight who he lives with and she just said it is because he is working so much and I should be glad he has work and is working which I am. Is he really working as much as he claims--I know he goes for a drink after work.
But this brings me to my question--what is a good relationship. One where someone calls you only right before bed to say good night and if you try to talk about anything they get mad at you and tell you they are tired and hang up on you. One where you try to make plans for a day at the shore and they tell you they will get back to you? Am I being selfish for not understanding and trying to get a little of his time if he really is working so hard? I really do not know anymore??
Thanks for listening,
Sheila
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
That is not a relationship IMO.
My XABF certainly had his issues, but he always called me just to say hi and see how I was doing. He was always interested in what I did, asked questions, seemed genuinely interested in me.
He never said a bad word about me really other than I worked too long and hard. (truth) He was full of drama and liked to rant and rave about people who screwed him over, yada yada.
But he was never rude to me or treated me no better than the gum on the bottom of a shoe. You deserve better. You do. We all work hard. Please.
I used to do a pros and cons list. I'd list all of the good attributes on one side and the crappy ones on the other. I had to be completely honest with myself. The alcohol probs started making the con list longer unfortunately. You might want to do something like that. I mean this is a man you are saying you want to marry? He's already got quite a few strikes against him the way I see it.
A good relationship to me anyway, is one where two people respect, love and take care of the other. Do you feel loved? The "only sex" part should be very telling too.
My XABF certainly had his issues, but he always called me just to say hi and see how I was doing. He was always interested in what I did, asked questions, seemed genuinely interested in me.
He never said a bad word about me really other than I worked too long and hard. (truth) He was full of drama and liked to rant and rave about people who screwed him over, yada yada.
But he was never rude to me or treated me no better than the gum on the bottom of a shoe. You deserve better. You do. We all work hard. Please.
I used to do a pros and cons list. I'd list all of the good attributes on one side and the crappy ones on the other. I had to be completely honest with myself. The alcohol probs started making the con list longer unfortunately. You might want to do something like that. I mean this is a man you are saying you want to marry? He's already got quite a few strikes against him the way I see it.
A good relationship to me anyway, is one where two people respect, love and take care of the other. Do you feel loved? The "only sex" part should be very telling too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
That made perfect sense
Thanks Stillwater--that was a simple statement but really hit home. Alcoholic or not, working hard or not would I treat someone I love like that and the answer is "no". Wow what a simple concept. Instead of feeling selfish, guilty etc just ask myself that question next time--would I treat someone I love like that?
Thanks so much!!!
PS--love your profile picture!!!
Thanks so much!!!
PS--love your profile picture!!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
We all have our own ideas of a good relationship. Some people want their partner to be around a lot of the time. Other people want someone who will give them their space. What do you want in a relationship? Are you getting that now? What are you getting out of this relationship? These are questions we must each ask ourselves. If you aren't getting what you want or need, maybe you should think about that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Maine
Posts: 43
Hi Sheila, and welcome!
You know the answers to your questions -- you just aren't sure whether to believe them.
There are a lot of us here that know what it feels like to be so affected by life with our alcoholic loved ones that we lost the ability to trust our own judgment. So often, I see things on this forum like "I am so mad. Am I wrong to be mad?" Speaking for myself, I can remember towards the end of my relationship with my axbf, I really and truly felt like I could no longer tell the difference between whether the problem was him, or it was me -- I would approach him about something awful he did, and I would end up apologizing to him. It was a crazy and miserable time in my life, and I don't envy anyone still in that position.
This might not be the answer you want to hear, but the only way you will ever get the answers you need (IMHO) is if you start taking steps towards rebuilding your trust in yourself. Right now, you feel like you can't trust what you're feeling. This leaves you vulnerable, to your fiance, and to other people who may or may not have your interests at heart. As an example, I would be wary of what the mother says to you; she has everything to gain by keeping you in the picture.
How you choose to empower yourself again is up to you, but options include reading ("Codependent No More" is a good start), attending Al-Anon meetings, getting professional help in the form of a therapist or life coach, speaking to someone trustworthy such as a clergy member, etc. The more you can focus on treating yourself well, and learning to truly love yourself, the more you will be able to trust yourself, and the more obvious the answers to your questions will be.
As an additional thought, there are plenty of threads on this forum that provide evidence that nothing changes once you get married. If the man he is NOW isn't the man you want to be married to, you need to rethink your decision.
Best,
at2
You know the answers to your questions -- you just aren't sure whether to believe them.
There are a lot of us here that know what it feels like to be so affected by life with our alcoholic loved ones that we lost the ability to trust our own judgment. So often, I see things on this forum like "I am so mad. Am I wrong to be mad?" Speaking for myself, I can remember towards the end of my relationship with my axbf, I really and truly felt like I could no longer tell the difference between whether the problem was him, or it was me -- I would approach him about something awful he did, and I would end up apologizing to him. It was a crazy and miserable time in my life, and I don't envy anyone still in that position.
This might not be the answer you want to hear, but the only way you will ever get the answers you need (IMHO) is if you start taking steps towards rebuilding your trust in yourself. Right now, you feel like you can't trust what you're feeling. This leaves you vulnerable, to your fiance, and to other people who may or may not have your interests at heart. As an example, I would be wary of what the mother says to you; she has everything to gain by keeping you in the picture.
How you choose to empower yourself again is up to you, but options include reading ("Codependent No More" is a good start), attending Al-Anon meetings, getting professional help in the form of a therapist or life coach, speaking to someone trustworthy such as a clergy member, etc. The more you can focus on treating yourself well, and learning to truly love yourself, the more you will be able to trust yourself, and the more obvious the answers to your questions will be.
As an additional thought, there are plenty of threads on this forum that provide evidence that nothing changes once you get married. If the man he is NOW isn't the man you want to be married to, you need to rethink your decision.
Best,
at2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, Bohn.
The most basic qualities of mature adult relationship--mutual concern, mutual support, mutual honesty and dependability, mutual prioritizing of the relationship, mutual commitment to living a shared life rather than two parallel lives--
all these basics will be distorted by an addict into DEMANDS. Demands he sees you as making upon him unfairly and selfishly.
His attitude will then feed his addict resentment, and soon enough he will then project his anger onto you.
You will become his emotional punching bag. Nonrecovering addicts are chronically angry people.
I'm glad you've checked in here for a reality check on what a relationship is. That's how crazy we get....we can't even remember or describe what normal is.
Hope you continue to post and get all the support you can.
Bluejay
The most basic qualities of mature adult relationship--mutual concern, mutual support, mutual honesty and dependability, mutual prioritizing of the relationship, mutual commitment to living a shared life rather than two parallel lives--
all these basics will be distorted by an addict into DEMANDS. Demands he sees you as making upon him unfairly and selfishly.
His attitude will then feed his addict resentment, and soon enough he will then project his anger onto you.
You will become his emotional punching bag. Nonrecovering addicts are chronically angry people.
I'm glad you've checked in here for a reality check on what a relationship is. That's how crazy we get....we can't even remember or describe what normal is.
Hope you continue to post and get all the support you can.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
But this brings me to my question--what is a good relationship.
Oy - that's a question! Oh man, I've had some baaaaaaaad relationships...and a lousy marriage that ended in divorce...but for the last 9 years I have been in a really really good healthy relationship. Here's why I think it is a normal healthy relationship:
Nothing festers.
If something negative is cooking it doesn't get swept under the rug or ignored or belittled, or resented. Nor does it not get dealt with but brought up as a bludgeon again and again. Whatever the problem is we bring it out into the sunlight, gently, and with respect, and we take a look at it and we try to mend it. We do not use harsh language with each other, name-calling or criticizing, we quickly admit when we are wrong, and if one of us offers an olive branch the other always takes it.
We also, on balance have about 100 times more positive interactions than we do negative. We can get on each other's nerves. But not nearly as much as we enjoy each other and have a good time together. We respect each others interests and try anything once but we also realize we don't have to love everything the other one loves. Live and let live.
Neither of us is an addict or alcoholic, so there is no sick third party destroying our relationship.t
The most important trait: our relationship works for BOTH OF US. Neither of us is struggling every day, feeling miserable, not getting our needs met, complaining to each other or friends or family about how crummy this or that aspect of our relationship is etc.
So you have to decide -- this relationship that you are describing, is it working for you???
Being alone after my divorce for a few years and getting into therapy saved my life. And I finally figured out, with help from my therapist, how to judge if a romantic relationship was good for me, what are normal expectations, how to hold my romantic partner to the same standard I do a "best friend." What I have now I appreciate one day at a time - if time and tide take us apart then I will be very sad, but I will survive just fine solo, because before I got into this relationship I had finally made peace with myself solo and who I am solo.
Maybe take some time for yourself away from this fella for a week or so. Clear your head. This isn't the kind of treatment I would give to anyone I care about. I would trust exactly what he is showing you - is this the person you want to hitch your star to? Can you accept this relationship and him, just as it is, today?
peace,
b
Oy - that's a question! Oh man, I've had some baaaaaaaad relationships...and a lousy marriage that ended in divorce...but for the last 9 years I have been in a really really good healthy relationship. Here's why I think it is a normal healthy relationship:
Nothing festers.
If something negative is cooking it doesn't get swept under the rug or ignored or belittled, or resented. Nor does it not get dealt with but brought up as a bludgeon again and again. Whatever the problem is we bring it out into the sunlight, gently, and with respect, and we take a look at it and we try to mend it. We do not use harsh language with each other, name-calling or criticizing, we quickly admit when we are wrong, and if one of us offers an olive branch the other always takes it.
We also, on balance have about 100 times more positive interactions than we do negative. We can get on each other's nerves. But not nearly as much as we enjoy each other and have a good time together. We respect each others interests and try anything once but we also realize we don't have to love everything the other one loves. Live and let live.
Neither of us is an addict or alcoholic, so there is no sick third party destroying our relationship.t
The most important trait: our relationship works for BOTH OF US. Neither of us is struggling every day, feeling miserable, not getting our needs met, complaining to each other or friends or family about how crummy this or that aspect of our relationship is etc.
So you have to decide -- this relationship that you are describing, is it working for you???
Being alone after my divorce for a few years and getting into therapy saved my life. And I finally figured out, with help from my therapist, how to judge if a romantic relationship was good for me, what are normal expectations, how to hold my romantic partner to the same standard I do a "best friend." What I have now I appreciate one day at a time - if time and tide take us apart then I will be very sad, but I will survive just fine solo, because before I got into this relationship I had finally made peace with myself solo and who I am solo.
Maybe take some time for yourself away from this fella for a week or so. Clear your head. This isn't the kind of treatment I would give to anyone I care about. I would trust exactly what he is showing you - is this the person you want to hitch your star to? Can you accept this relationship and him, just as it is, today?
peace,
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Good Relationship defined?
Yes then I get yelled at for calling his Mother--I guess he is afraid her she will find out her baby boy is doing more then just working?? His Mom blames it all on menapause--she told me to go to a doctor and get help. She was also married to an alcoholic. I asked him the other night by text since I can't talk to him if I should just leave him alone since all I seem to do is irritate him and he answered back "no"? So why does he wants to hang on to me if all I do is bother him?
So what does a "life coach" do? I have heard of them. I am going to go to Alanon.
Thanks again--this website is saving my life!!!
Sheila
So what does a "life coach" do? I have heard of them. I am going to go to Alanon.
Thanks again--this website is saving my life!!!
Sheila
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Welcome, Bohn, and best wishes in your dilemma.
Frankly I get more respect, attention and interest from my butcher and checkout operator than I read you get from the man you are engaged to marry. I thought people planning to marry WANTED to spend time talking and being with their intended, not avoid contact as much as possible.
I think you know that something is very wrong here, and you are miserable about it, or you would not be posting here as you have.
Take time to look at this relationship NOW very seriously, because I doubt it will get any better than it is and marriage with this man could be even worse for you.
God bless
Frankly I get more respect, attention and interest from my butcher and checkout operator than I read you get from the man you are engaged to marry. I thought people planning to marry WANTED to spend time talking and being with their intended, not avoid contact as much as possible.
I think you know that something is very wrong here, and you are miserable about it, or you would not be posting here as you have.
Take time to look at this relationship NOW very seriously, because I doubt it will get any better than it is and marriage with this man could be even worse for you.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by Bohn05 
So why does he wants to hang on to me if all I do is bother him?
I read a great book that helped me understand people like him and it is called, "Why Does He do That?" and it is by Lundy Bancroft.
I am glad you are here. Something inside of you is wanting you to ask for help and you can find that here. I am so sorry this person is treating you so poorly...we all deserve to be honored, respected, and cherished.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: virginia beach, va
Posts: 29
Sobriety is only a new beginning and it can bring on a whole new set of issues to deal with. It definitely isn't a perfect solution to problems and relationship challenges. What I had a hard time getting in touch with was just how much the alcoholic was struggling to stay sober in his first couple of years. It was his total focus and I felt like "where do I come in?" It felt like we had to come apart before we could come back together. I just learned to go on with my life and take care of my needs first. This doesn't mean accepting abuse or unacceptable behavior or setting myself up to get hurt again. It really meant renegoriating our relationship. Just because it had a past didn't mean it had a present. It was painful the first couple of years...a lot of trail and error to find out what worked and what didn't.
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