Still Waters

No, it doesn't make me a victim. It makes me a thinking mature individual who recognizes that her husband is an immature a$$.

He did these things on purpose, to me. There is no getting around those facts.

There is a huge difference between my reaction to someone simply doing things like this with no target, and being the target of this behavior. It's important to recognize that it is what it is, so that I can react in a way that is best for my well being.

ToughChoices

When we were navigating separation and divorce my XAH would make similar statements, and I would feel similarly conflicted.

Part of what made the process so hard on me was a set of unrealistic expectations for myself.

At the time I was working really hard in Al-Anon and individual counseling to address my desire for control and my anger at my husband for behaving in ways that I could not control. As I made some progress, I found that I wanted very much to be strong and accepting of him, even when he was MEAN. I wanted to be a pillar of self-respect and (at the same time) a beacon of hope and platonic love. I think I wanted to behave perfectly as a way of making amends for all the time I spent screaming at my A and talking down to him.

All that to say, part of me felt like I ought to be able to handle conversations like the one you mention without having an intense emotional response. Without crying or shaking or running from the room.

Well - I gave it the old college try, and you know what?
They were UNREALISTIC expectations. I didn't have to channel his best buddy and listen to his dating woes in order to redeem myself for the time I spent being overly-critical. I just needed to stop being overly-critical.

It hurt like hell to hear him say that stuff. Recovery doesn't dictate that I stop feeling or start acting like I'm OK when I'm not. Recovery dictates that I take care of myself.

Today, if my X says something I find painful I quickly inform him that I do not want to hear it. I don't know if it is his intention to cause me pain, or if he is simply sharing without thought to my emotional state. Either way, I tell him it is painful for me and exit the conversation.

He rarely speaks to me in this fashion anymore.

Take care,
-Mel

Seekingsobriety

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kell

i was married for 15 years to an alcoholic. the first 7 and a half years he was an active disfunctional drinker. in and out of hospitals and loss of jobs. it was a rollercoaster. he would drink and leave for weeks and not tell me where he was. i continued to stay in the marriage because i loved him deeply and i kept holding on to hope that he would stop drinking. i became a mess and depressed. my life became a wreck. after getting serious about alanon i decided i could not do it any longer. i told him this. i needed to see him doing something. he could tell a difference in me. for the first time he saw that i was serious. he started having health issues as well and he assurred me that he would go to aa and get help. he had done that before off and on but did not really put any effort into it. i finally saw he was doing something different. working with his sponser, 90 meetings in 90 days. working with others and helping with the chairs and coffee. well, he stayed sober for at least 7 and a half years. i don't know if he has remained sober because he suddenly left me out of the blue and filed for divorce. in the mean time while he was sobering up and going to aa , i put him through college to help him become a chemical engineer. he did not work at all the first 3 years and started working one day a week as a co-op. he was slowly putting less of an effort into aa and focusing on school constantly. like he had a new obsession. well, after he graduated and got his job as a chemical enginner, he left me and it was very unexpected by me, my kids and all who knew us. we were happy and in love. so i thought. yes, we had our problems but nothing that big. i am a hairstylist and i gave up over half of my business when he graduated. he gave me two retirement cards and encouraged me to retire. thank goodness, i did not. but now while he is making really good money i am struggling financially because i gave up over half my business and the economy is not that good to just pick up the pieces. i am responding to a post where a woman was concerned about her husband leaving her after 4 months of no drinking. this is just to let people know that anything can happen. i was good to this man. i gave to him greatly. i was a good wife. i was not perfect. but something happened to him and he just left. we never know about an alcoholic or a non alcoholic. this was devestating to me and i am still having a hard time dealing with the pain. so if you are wondering if things happend like this, yes they do. we never really know what we have in llife. this is why it is so important for us all to take care of ourselves. i am trying to do that now. i know there is hope . hope for myself and not the alcoholic. i have to learn to be ok no matter what. with the help of ananon i can be ok.

Hopeworks

Hi Wanting,

Late to the party but wanted to let you know that everyone who has participated on this thread care about about what you are going through and that you are not alone.

I will give you a couple of my thoughts that may help you.

I often tell people that marriage is temporary but divorce is forever so be careful who you marry. Sounds cynical but sadly the reality of our culture is that most marriages fail and when you add alcoholism/addiction the rate of failure is practically off the charts.

If we took a survey of the posters (could be fascinating stuff) I believe most would be women that were in long term relationships with alcoholics that they loved and who worked very, very hard to save the relationship but eventually most failed.

I am in a relationship with an A who has been in active recovery for almost 4 years and while he is alcohol free he is not "working his program" in the way I would dictate if I could be the dictator. Learning to let go and accept the reality of life and develop relationships with very broken people (myself first) and work on my own recovery first is HARD for me.

How we FEEL is what is real to us. Perception becomes reality. Nothing hurts worse than losing someone you love and the feeling that the person you believe is the love of your life and husband of your children is slipping away from you. The natural reaction is to DO something to stop the pain and stop the erosion of the relationship. The recovering (and this is subject to question) husband will continue to use the emotional manipulating behaviors until he learns and WANTS to eliminate them from his own life.

And this is important. When we struggle with a relationship with an A for years and we are emeshed we sometimes tell ourselves things to help us in our survival mode. We blame bad behaviors on the alcohol and our magical thinking keeps the fairy tale alive that IF ONLY they stop drinking we will live happily ever after. If that has happened for someone it must be exceedingly rare because I haven't witnessed or read of such a story.

Recovery is long, difficult process if it is to yield results of truly changed lives and real happiness and not just sobriety as that is only the beginning! It is the daily process of growing up spiritually and holding a mirror up to ourselves and becoming accountable to our higher power for our lives.

One poster on here said something that has stuck with me. She said "you can wring the alcohol out of asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat". Alcohol can no longer be the scapegoat for what is truly ugly behavior that shouts out that the core value system of the offender is way out of whack... it is the utter selfishness that is still the root of the original problem that the alcohol was only the symptom. Alcohol free selfish and childish husbands are not much better than alcohol soaked ones!

The alcohol has been wrung out of my A and lo and behold he still has a LOT of chracter defects that I thought would magically disappear down the drain with the alcohol! AND he got sober with AA and diligently worked the 12 steps (VERY, VERY IMPORTANT) but now is drifting in my opinion.

So.... reality is that we are living in seperate homes so that when and IF he relapses I can cut ties easily. As I am working my OWN recovery I am letting him work his without nagging etc ... he knows what he should be doing.

Life is uncertain for everyone but is very uncertain for those of us who love A's ... relapse is always a possibility and sadly... a fear that we have to control. We control that by working on our own lives and destiny and we grow stronger on the journey. We model that strength and that light and share that love with others along the way.

So know that some gal in Florida is praying for you as walk the tough path you are on and that you do have the courage and strength for this time.

FindingAmy

I feel your pain. My husband who is a high functioning alcoholic was "discovered" by me and my kids just 6 months or so ago after 25 years of marriage. I was so hard on him for years, not realizing I was raising the family on my own, I had so much frustration. He was so unreliable and I didn't know why. I thought he didn't really love me and if he did he would've been reliable and a better listener and blah blah blah. I became a crazy raging person for so much of the marriage (my poor kids). He gets found out, admits he's an alcoholic and after my pleading finally goes to AA. He stops drinking, drops a ton of weight, starts scuba diving, makes a ton of AA friends, isn't in a fog anymore, is "happier than he's ever been" (his words), in "the best shape of his life" (his words) and wants to leave me. At first I was so angry that he had anger. How could he? I was the one who did everything. Who kept the family afloat. Who paid every bill and ran the house and business. I nursed him through his heart surgery, did everything for him and he's angry. After I got through anger I moved on to blame. He refused to have remorse for what he'd done. Said he couldn't get there. And we had no intimacy for years on top of years. He said he has no interest with me. Now he is moving out and the feeling has moved to blaming myself. I should've tried harder, I should've been nicer, I should've cared more, I shouldn't have been so demanding. I know I need to stop the pity party, get my big girl pants on and get myself together. I have learned a great deal about myself in this relationship and my codependency issues. I hope I am able to take the lessons forward with me. But for the moment I just feel like I want him back but he has told me it's over. He is moving on. I'm so sad.

firebolt

I'm sorry you found yourself in this spot. What your husband is doing IS very sad, but
THIS - this is such a great thing to latch onto. If you can grab a hold of working on yourself right now, I promise that you will start to see him leaving as a blessing! Hun - you took care of everything and everyone else for so long, it is time to take care of YOU. That means finding the roots of why you stayed with someone that made you unhappy a good portion of the time, then moving on to finding the things that DO make you happy. It means feeding yourself in a healthy way - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It's a lot of work but you are worth it - SO WORTH IT! (((HUGS))) Keep posting here - there is so much support - plus a ton of awesome cheerleading for you on your journey.