Husband gets sober, wants divorce
OMG! That's the one! 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Thank you all for the advice and commentary. 
I am doing fine today. I have been doing really great since my last therapy session. I didn't even cry last night in al-anon. I am really wrapping my brain around this acceptance thing. Luckily, I have a business to throw myself into, and a great support network, although al-anon and this place are a great support for the things my friends and family can't understand. Although, there is a certain coldness here that maybe is just because people are further past the hurt and pain and can no longer relate to all the "why, why, why?" anymore. When people say, "Work on yourself," that really resonates with me, but when people say, "You're better off, yay for you," it just makes me feel more alone. Yeah, I have a lot of reasons to leave too, but I'm married to this man. I love him. We have children. We've had great times. He's a good person. I do feel that he is making the wrong decision, as hard as I am trying to accept and respect it. So, I'm not really going to feel glad that he's leaving, but I will accept that I can no longer worry about his end of things anymore, and I need to worry about myself.
But judging by the past few weeks of roller-coaster emotions, maybe I won't feel as accepting tomorrow.
I am doing fine today. I have been doing really great since my last therapy session. I didn't even cry last night in al-anon. I am really wrapping my brain around this acceptance thing. Luckily, I have a business to throw myself into, and a great support network, although al-anon and this place are a great support for the things my friends and family can't understand. Although, there is a certain coldness here that maybe is just because people are further past the hurt and pain and can no longer relate to all the "why, why, why?" anymore. When people say, "Work on yourself," that really resonates with me, but when people say, "You're better off, yay for you," it just makes me feel more alone. Yeah, I have a lot of reasons to leave too, but I'm married to this man. I love him. We have children. We've had great times. He's a good person. I do feel that he is making the wrong decision, as hard as I am trying to accept and respect it. So, I'm not really going to feel glad that he's leaving, but I will accept that I can no longer worry about his end of things anymore, and I need to worry about myself.
But judging by the past few weeks of roller-coaster emotions, maybe I won't feel as accepting tomorrow.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm so glad you checked back in! 
As I said earlier, I grieved for years over my EXAH. Regardless of how bad a marriage may end up being, it's still a valid loss when it's over.
It's important to recognize our feelings and walk through them.
I know it hurts right now, but please know you are among friends.
As I said earlier, I grieved for years over my EXAH. Regardless of how bad a marriage may end up being, it's still a valid loss when it's over.
It's important to recognize our feelings and walk through them.
I know it hurts right now, but please know you are among friends.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey Wanting,
I know how you feel about thinking that folks are cold when they tell you that you should be glad that he is gone or something like that. It hurts. Rejection hurts. Break ups hurts. Loss hurts. For me when I say something like that to someone it is because it sucks but there isn't anything that anyone can do for you right now except listen. You can vent. We can listen. Some might have advice or experience for you, but there isn't much that "we" or "I" can do for you. I wish that there was. I wish that I could take away the pain and give you the magical line to use on him to make him change...the problem with that is that there is no magical line. If there was, someone would be selling it for loads of money and we would all at least I would be buying it.
Relationships are complex. There is not right or wrong exactly but there is acceptable to you and unacceptable to you. It differs for everyone, probably even you and your husband. Addiction is complex too and makes relationships crazy complex.
I don't wish pain for anyone. Again, I wish that I could take away the pain that you are going through, but I cannot. So, we hear you. Please keep posting. Move at your own pace. Grieving and sadness happen to most of us ending relationships whether we ended them or the other person ended them.
I hope you feel better.
I know how you feel about thinking that folks are cold when they tell you that you should be glad that he is gone or something like that. It hurts. Rejection hurts. Break ups hurts. Loss hurts. For me when I say something like that to someone it is because it sucks but there isn't anything that anyone can do for you right now except listen. You can vent. We can listen. Some might have advice or experience for you, but there isn't much that "we" or "I" can do for you. I wish that there was. I wish that I could take away the pain and give you the magical line to use on him to make him change...the problem with that is that there is no magical line. If there was, someone would be selling it for loads of money and we would all at least I would be buying it.
Relationships are complex. There is not right or wrong exactly but there is acceptable to you and unacceptable to you. It differs for everyone, probably even you and your husband. Addiction is complex too and makes relationships crazy complex.
I don't wish pain for anyone. Again, I wish that I could take away the pain that you are going through, but I cannot. So, we hear you. Please keep posting. Move at your own pace. Grieving and sadness happen to most of us ending relationships whether we ended them or the other person ended them.
I hope you feel better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Just when I think I'm doing pretty good, my husband starts asking me about dating. Like, "What if I start dating and I meet someone and want to go on a trip with them. Will that be weird for the kids?"
How am I supposed to feel when he asks me stuff like this? It seems incredibly cruel. I didn't really even know what to say, except that I felt it was incredibly cruel to bring up this type of thing with me. Am I his bro now? Why would he think I wanted to hear this?
How am I supposed to feel when he asks me stuff like this? It seems incredibly cruel. I didn't really even know what to say, except that I felt it was incredibly cruel to bring up this type of thing with me. Am I his bro now? Why would he think I wanted to hear this?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi evry-body. I have read all of your posts and agree with every one, including Ago's. Though, I would like to point out that this conversation related to Ago's comments has hijacked Wantings thread. Wantings, would you like us to take this conversation elsewhere? If so, I can create a new thread for it. Please keep posting so that we might continue to try to help you. Although by now you probably think we are all a bunch of nutjobs here on SR :O) Thank you.
To continue, I believe we are ALL here to try to help and support one another, by providing our own personal experiences, feedback, opinions, perceptions, etc. Even though one person's viewpoints may not be the same as our own, and even though the words one person chooses to express him or herself are not what we would choose, I believe all opinions are valuable and welcome here, even when someone is advised to "Take the money and run." I personally found that to be a pretty amusing and effective picture for those of us suffering in the 24/7 presence of an alcoholic or addict. Often the use of imagery like this gets the point across in the easiest and least-threatening manner.
Opinions contrary to our own are often opportunities for learning about ourselves, and for learning new ways of perceiving what is happening to us. Many of us still suffer from "Magical Thinking" as Ago's posts attempt to point out. It is up to all of us to let eachother know when someone is engaging in Magical Thinking. It is part of recovery from the disease we are all suffereing from. But please recognize it is your responsibility as an adult to, as we say in the program, "Take what you like and leave the rest."
However, there is a dynamic that Ago's posts have created on this particular thread that folks are understandably getting defensive about; and as I stated above, is not really assisting our newcomer, Wantings. As we say in the program folks, "Easy Does It."
Ago, dear, I've read all of your posts and all of your admonishments and clearly recognize them as Judgments. It may be true that you are stating a contrarian opinion, however, your judgment of these posters also clearly comes through. As we say in the program, "Stop pointing your finger at others because you've got four more pointing back at you."
I would like to assist you in methods of posting your contrarian opinions so that in the future, they can be more effectively received by, and therefore more helpful to, others. Because when we become defensive, we are unable to learn what we are here to learn. This is why 12-Step programs are so effective; because the 12-Step forum is NON-threatening and therefore, we have no reason to get defensive in the first place.
Allow me to point out what I observe about your post that is coming across to folks in a "negative" way. I don't think it is your contrarian message that folks are having trouble with, but rather this:
Ago Identifying the members of SR who have taken the time to try to help this newcomer as "a bunch of women" implies that you have contempt for women, and specifically, the women on SR. It would be more helpful if you could refrain from directly targeting this noble population in your complaint. So, as we say in the program, "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth."
So, for instance, it would be sufficient to say, "Sometimes people make broad-based...comments which are not really helpful...." Notice the term "people" could apply to men or women, and to folks who are BOTH genders. As you are probably aware, a person's gender is biologically determined, and therefore unchangeable. To target a group such as you have, when there is nothing they can do to change their biologically-determined identitiy, is offensive, threatening, and counterproductive.
It is also readily apparent, Ago in all of your posts that you have taken personal offense to what has been posted by others in this thread. I am certain that no one here meant anything to personally offend anyone. In fact, I believe that the directions that you take direct offense to are simply the friends and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts doing what we do best, communicating our terror and frustrations from dealing with a very unstable character type; and telling others what we think they should do, but at the same time trying to learn how to trust that others are adults, capable of making their own decisions.
Therefore, Ago, I feel confident in expressing sincere apologies to you on behalf of all the folks who have posted on this thread. We ALL should revisit our comments before posting them, and keep in mind that there are people on F&F who are also alcoholics and addicts, a characteristic that is ALSO biologically-determined (just like gender is), and therefore unchangeable. You are so very right that alcoholics and addicts are people just like us, with their own feelings, struggles, and pain. It is very unhealthy for any of us to hate other people and be so cruel in our thoughts and words.
A big part of Recovery is in realizing that when we use insult and anger, we are trying to control others. This isn't effective in any form of communication. As we say in the program, "Let go and Let God."
I hope my feedback is written in a non-threatening, non-controlling manner and that it is somewhat helpful or useful.
To continue, I believe we are ALL here to try to help and support one another, by providing our own personal experiences, feedback, opinions, perceptions, etc. Even though one person's viewpoints may not be the same as our own, and even though the words one person chooses to express him or herself are not what we would choose, I believe all opinions are valuable and welcome here, even when someone is advised to "Take the money and run." I personally found that to be a pretty amusing and effective picture for those of us suffering in the 24/7 presence of an alcoholic or addict. Often the use of imagery like this gets the point across in the easiest and least-threatening manner.
Opinions contrary to our own are often opportunities for learning about ourselves, and for learning new ways of perceiving what is happening to us. Many of us still suffer from "Magical Thinking" as Ago's posts attempt to point out. It is up to all of us to let eachother know when someone is engaging in Magical Thinking. It is part of recovery from the disease we are all suffereing from. But please recognize it is your responsibility as an adult to, as we say in the program, "Take what you like and leave the rest."
However, there is a dynamic that Ago's posts have created on this particular thread that folks are understandably getting defensive about; and as I stated above, is not really assisting our newcomer, Wantings. As we say in the program folks, "Easy Does It."
Ago, dear, I've read all of your posts and all of your admonishments and clearly recognize them as Judgments. It may be true that you are stating a contrarian opinion, however, your judgment of these posters also clearly comes through. As we say in the program, "Stop pointing your finger at others because you've got four more pointing back at you."
I would like to assist you in methods of posting your contrarian opinions so that in the future, they can be more effectively received by, and therefore more helpful to, others. Because when we become defensive, we are unable to learn what we are here to learn. This is why 12-Step programs are so effective; because the 12-Step forum is NON-threatening and therefore, we have no reason to get defensive in the first place.
Allow me to point out what I observe about your post that is coming across to folks in a "negative" way. I don't think it is your contrarian message that folks are having trouble with, but rather this:
I see this thread and see a bunch of women making broad based, sweeping and slanderous comments
So, for instance, it would be sufficient to say, "Sometimes people make broad-based...comments which are not really helpful...." Notice the term "people" could apply to men or women, and to folks who are BOTH genders. As you are probably aware, a person's gender is biologically determined, and therefore unchangeable. To target a group such as you have, when there is nothing they can do to change their biologically-determined identitiy, is offensive, threatening, and counterproductive.
It is also readily apparent, Ago in all of your posts that you have taken personal offense to what has been posted by others in this thread. I am certain that no one here meant anything to personally offend anyone. In fact, I believe that the directions that you take direct offense to are simply the friends and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts doing what we do best, communicating our terror and frustrations from dealing with a very unstable character type; and telling others what we think they should do, but at the same time trying to learn how to trust that others are adults, capable of making their own decisions.
Therefore, Ago, I feel confident in expressing sincere apologies to you on behalf of all the folks who have posted on this thread. We ALL should revisit our comments before posting them, and keep in mind that there are people on F&F who are also alcoholics and addicts, a characteristic that is ALSO biologically-determined (just like gender is), and therefore unchangeable. You are so very right that alcoholics and addicts are people just like us, with their own feelings, struggles, and pain. It is very unhealthy for any of us to hate other people and be so cruel in our thoughts and words.
A big part of Recovery is in realizing that when we use insult and anger, we are trying to control others. This isn't effective in any form of communication. As we say in the program, "Let go and Let God."
I hope my feedback is written in a non-threatening, non-controlling manner and that it is somewhat helpful or useful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi wanting,
I don't know how you are supposed to feel when he says that to you. You feel what you feel. I would feel hurt, used and angry, but that is me.
This guy isn't being sensitive to you now, so what can you do to help yourself feel better?
I don't know how you are supposed to feel when he says that to you. You feel what you feel. I would feel hurt, used and angry, but that is me.
This guy isn't being sensitive to you now, so what can you do to help yourself feel better?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by wanting 
How am I supposed to feel when he asks me stuff like this? It seems incredibly cruel.
It seems incredibly cruel because it IS incredibly cruel.
These are the kinds of things that incite the good folks here to say things like, "You're better off without him" You don't deserve to be treated like this by anyone. It's easy for outsiders like us to see, and get angry, just as it would be easy for YOU to get angry if this were happening to someone you loved.
I'm so sorry, wanting. I know there's probably much to love about this man (there's a lot to love about almost anyone) but he is treating you very poorly, and I too feel, in my heart of hearts, that he has done you a favor by finding someone else to be the victim of his disrespect. Sometimes people change into someone who is no longer good for us.
When your heart catches up - and it will, I promise you - you will see that he has freed you. Until then, sending you a huge
and encouragement to keep working on your inner strength, rebuilding your own personal dreams, and stoking your self-protective instincts. This feeling won't last forever. You and the kids will be better-than-okay when you've worked through this pain. I have seen it happen too many times here to doubt it any more.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Wanting honey, take a deep breath. Focus on the present moment, not on this future your husband is bringing up.
You were thinking you were doing pretty good because you AREdoing pretty good. Your thinking has been interrupted by THE FUTURE being forced upon you by your husband (Some people call this "diarrhea from the mouth.") A future that is not even here, a future that is a figment of your imagination, a future that if it ever arrives you will handle with the dignity and grace of the woman that you ARE.
Any time someone forces a painful future on you like this, especially when it is based on his own actions, TAKE A BIG STEP BACK. Don't react right away. Often what we do is react out of emotion. Your husbands WORDS evoke a predictable FEELING in your heart. He KNOWS this about you. Then, you express your emotions toward him, YOU REACT and you start trying to figure out HIS behavior.
This type of situation (your husband asking you painful, "what-if", future questions) is a TRIGGER for you. He may be hoping you think about this, feel a lot of pain, and then beg him to stay in order to avoid your own pain. He even points out how it will affect your children, your babies. Now you're imagining not just HIM with some other woman, but YOUR BABIES with some other "mom." Step back from the automatic REACTIONS. don't react, don't cry, don't yell, don't say anything, don't let him see you REACT. You wanna' react? React to your girlfriends!
You are supposed to feel EXACTLY THE WAY YOUR FEEL. But try to connect the feelings with what is in your BRAIN. (This is REALLY hard for me).
Do you see how it is a tactic to get you trying to figure out what the heck is going on? What does he mean? Why is he asking me this? This how the alcoholic confuses you and makes you frantic. The addiction FEEDS on this. You are the ONLY ONE who can stop this.
STEP BACK and BREATHE. Put your head into it.
Just when I think I'm doing pretty good, my husband starts asking me like, "What if I start dating and I meet someone and want to go on a trip with them. Will that be weird for the kids?"
Any time someone forces a painful future on you like this, especially when it is based on his own actions, TAKE A BIG STEP BACK. Don't react right away. Often what we do is react out of emotion. Your husbands WORDS evoke a predictable FEELING in your heart. He KNOWS this about you. Then, you express your emotions toward him, YOU REACT and you start trying to figure out HIS behavior.
This type of situation (your husband asking you painful, "what-if", future questions) is a TRIGGER for you. He may be hoping you think about this, feel a lot of pain, and then beg him to stay in order to avoid your own pain. He even points out how it will affect your children, your babies. Now you're imagining not just HIM with some other woman, but YOUR BABIES with some other "mom." Step back from the automatic REACTIONS. don't react, don't cry, don't yell, don't say anything, don't let him see you REACT. You wanna' react? React to your girlfriends!
How am I supposed to feel when he asks me stuff like this?
It seems incredibly cruel. I didn't really even know what to say, except that I felt it was incredibly cruel to bring up this type of thing with me. Am I his bro now? Why would he think I wanted to hear this?
STEP BACK and BREATHE. Put your head into it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
P.S. - The argument is over. If anyone is feeling tempted to re-open it, please read Morning Glory's post above, as many times as necessary, to rid yourself of that temptation. Consider it a mantra.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Thanks and love to the original poster and all those who added posts. I was lazy and didn't thank everyone individually.
Getting sober is a strange experience for someone who has been using for a long time; myself included. I had a whirlwind marriage to a A girlfriend who had just divorced a physically abusive (major stalking behavior) husband. I drank heavily and realize now that we were enabling each others underlying maladaptive behavior patterns. We should have gotten therapy together, but I sobered up a little bit and decided it was all her fault. Beautiful girl with a lot going for her (former model, great personality). I think what I am getting at is this: Maybe figure out what really matters to you and makes you feel good, and go for it. In the language of therapy...Figure out those boundaries and consistently apply them. To me hanging out with attractive single members of the opposite sex (till 4:00 in the morning) is unacceptable and most likely him trying to self destruct.
"He gave her a list of things to expect and one of them was that many alcoholics will leave a relationship once sobering up. It's not so much a love thing (or a lack there of) but they realize all the hurt and pain they've caused and it becomes too much for them to deal with. Apologizing is hard to do--even if you know you owe one.
***In nearly twenty years of attending meetings and working with others I have NEVER ever ever heard this as a reason for ending a relationship, nor even heard it brought up in meetings. I may go as far as to call complete and utter BS on this one, the entire purpose of the program and the steps is to deal with this stuff, not run from it."
(qualified agreement to "complete and utter BS")
Sound like a "Dry Drunk" kinda thing... Just because he isn't drinking (if he really isn't) doesn't mean the head is on straight yet. From my limited experience with AA some people just transfer their chemical addiction to AA and don't internalize what really should go on with the 12 steps. Other stuff probably needs to happen. AA, SMART, other individual or group therapy, hitting a true bottom? even getting online and doing something like this board (I know it helps me). I can relate to and learn something from almost every post if I open myself up and am honest (with myself and others).
Getting sober is a strange experience for someone who has been using for a long time; myself included. I had a whirlwind marriage to a A girlfriend who had just divorced a physically abusive (major stalking behavior) husband. I drank heavily and realize now that we were enabling each others underlying maladaptive behavior patterns. We should have gotten therapy together, but I sobered up a little bit and decided it was all her fault. Beautiful girl with a lot going for her (former model, great personality). I think what I am getting at is this: Maybe figure out what really matters to you and makes you feel good, and go for it. In the language of therapy...Figure out those boundaries and consistently apply them. To me hanging out with attractive single members of the opposite sex (till 4:00 in the morning) is unacceptable and most likely him trying to self destruct.
"He gave her a list of things to expect and one of them was that many alcoholics will leave a relationship once sobering up. It's not so much a love thing (or a lack there of) but they realize all the hurt and pain they've caused and it becomes too much for them to deal with. Apologizing is hard to do--even if you know you owe one.
***In nearly twenty years of attending meetings and working with others I have NEVER ever ever heard this as a reason for ending a relationship, nor even heard it brought up in meetings. I may go as far as to call complete and utter BS on this one, the entire purpose of the program and the steps is to deal with this stuff, not run from it."
(qualified agreement to "complete and utter BS")
Sound like a "Dry Drunk" kinda thing... Just because he isn't drinking (if he really isn't) doesn't mean the head is on straight yet. From my limited experience with AA some people just transfer their chemical addiction to AA and don't internalize what really should go on with the 12 steps. Other stuff probably needs to happen. AA, SMART, other individual or group therapy, hitting a true bottom? even getting online and doing something like this board (I know it helps me). I can relate to and learn something from almost every post if I open myself up and am honest (with myself and others).
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I agree, what he said IS incredibly cruel.
My XABF used to say a lot of similar things to me and I know now that he was just saying them to pick a fight with me, to get a rise out of me and to pretty much just **** me off.
I had three options (in my opinion). I could give him what he wanted (the fight). I could walk away (and usually go to another room where I sat there fighting off the tears of how much he hurt me by that). Or I could end the crap.
Someone said in another thread that when her AH called her a b!tch, she turned around and said thank you. He never said it again.
My XABF always, ALWAYS accused me of cheating on him. Always. He was drunk one night (of many nights) and I decided that I didn't want to listen to it. So I chose to leave the house. As I was walking out the door he told me to enjoy the new guy and have all the fun I could have.
I turned around, looked at him, smiled and said "I will". And left.
He NEVER said anything like that to me again.
My XABF used to say a lot of similar things to me and I know now that he was just saying them to pick a fight with me, to get a rise out of me and to pretty much just **** me off.
I had three options (in my opinion). I could give him what he wanted (the fight). I could walk away (and usually go to another room where I sat there fighting off the tears of how much he hurt me by that). Or I could end the crap.
Someone said in another thread that when her AH called her a b!tch, she turned around and said thank you. He never said it again.
My XABF always, ALWAYS accused me of cheating on him. Always. He was drunk one night (of many nights) and I decided that I didn't want to listen to it. So I chose to leave the house. As I was walking out the door he told me to enjoy the new guy and have all the fun I could have.
I turned around, looked at him, smiled and said "I will". And left.
He NEVER said anything like that to me again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Gah, I'm really not good at this. 
I just couldn't shake my hurt feelings today, and we took the kids to the beach today and I just felt so pissed all day. I couldn't hide it. One snide thing after the other came out of my mouth. He was driving like an a-hole, and I just got so upset that he doesn't care if his driving scares me. Then, when we got home around dinner time, our oldest asked if we could go to this concert thing in the park and I said no, because it was time to cook dinner, and he totally overrode me and said yes. So, as usual, he is fun Dad and I am not-fun Mom.
I just couldn't shake my hurt feelings today, and we took the kids to the beach today and I just felt so pissed all day. I couldn't hide it. One snide thing after the other came out of my mouth. He was driving like an a-hole, and I just got so upset that he doesn't care if his driving scares me. Then, when we got home around dinner time, our oldest asked if we could go to this concert thing in the park and I said no, because it was time to cook dinner, and he totally overrode me and said yes. So, as usual, he is fun Dad and I am not-fun Mom.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Wanting,
I am also in the Portland area.
There is an Al-Anon Newcomers Meeting every Saturday morning in Lake Oswego which most people say is the best....very very strong hour of support to those taking those small steps to find help from life with an alcoholic or drug addict. Google Al-anon in Oregon.
Portland has many good strong meetings. You might find at least, for an hour, an easing of your loneliness from the isolation. Addiction isolates families from the real world. You do not have to talk or reveal anything. You can just listen. xx
I am also in the Portland area.
There is an Al-Anon Newcomers Meeting every Saturday morning in Lake Oswego which most people say is the best....very very strong hour of support to those taking those small steps to find help from life with an alcoholic or drug addict. Google Al-anon in Oregon.
Portland has many good strong meetings. You might find at least, for an hour, an easing of your loneliness from the isolation. Addiction isolates families from the real world. You do not have to talk or reveal anything. You can just listen. xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Oops, sorry wanting. I see tucked in one of your posts that you are attending Al-Anon already. Have you picked up the brochure "The Merry Go Round Called Alcoholism"?
Something like that. Oh, it is so good. I used to carry it everywhere with me, years ago when I was with an alcoholic for a while.
Something like that. Oh, it is so good. I used to carry it everywhere with me, years ago when I was with an alcoholic for a while.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by wanting
Gah, I'm really not good at this.
I just couldn't shake my hurt feelings today, and we took the kids to the beach today and I just felt so pissed all day. I couldn't hide it. One snide thing after the other came out of my mouth. He was driving like an a-hole, and I just got so upset that he doesn't care if his driving scares me. Then, when we got home around dinner time, our oldest asked if we could go to this concert thing in the park and I said no, because it was time to cook dinner, and he totally overrode me and said yes. So, as usual, he is fun Dad and I am not-fun Mom.
I just couldn't shake my hurt feelings today, and we took the kids to the beach today and I just felt so pissed all day. I couldn't hide it. One snide thing after the other came out of my mouth. He was driving like an a-hole, and I just got so upset that he doesn't care if his driving scares me. Then, when we got home around dinner time, our oldest asked if we could go to this concert thing in the park and I said no, because it was time to cook dinner, and he totally overrode me and said yes. So, as usual, he is fun Dad and I am not-fun Mom.
You are allowing your feelings, your hurt and anger, from preventing you from seeing the truth.
His bad driving has nothing to do with you. He does not drive this way because he does not care about you. That is only your interpretation of WHY he is driving this way. You are trying to make sense out of this man's non-sensical behavior. How crazy is that?
It appears that you think all of his behavior is related to you somehow. He is fun Dad to the kids and you are no-fun Mom. He said yes because he wanted to allow the son to go to the concert. He may even have said yes because he wanted to get back at you for how you couldn't let go of your anger earlier in the day. But again, that's got nothing to do with you.
You may have married someone but that does not turn both of you into one person. Let him be who he is, because that is ALL he will ever be. You learn how to do this by trying to stop comparing yourself to him and stop trying to make sense of his behavior, whether he is alcoholic or not, by attributing everything he says and does to YOU.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
When my AH was angry at me, he would do things that he knew irritated me and that he knew I found disrespectful.
I KNOW he did these things on purpose, he never did them when I was being a good girl.
For instance, I think flatulence in an "in your face" manner is extremely rude and disrespectful. Yes yes, I realize some have no control over this, that isn't what I mean. When my AH was playing victim, he would lift up one butt cheek and let loose as loudly as he could. NEVER did he do this when things where going his way.
He would also drive erratically, and much much too fast. Another thing he didn't do when I was being "good".
So, sometimes they ARE doing it TO you.
I KNOW he did these things on purpose, he never did them when I was being a good girl.
For instance, I think flatulence in an "in your face" manner is extremely rude and disrespectful. Yes yes, I realize some have no control over this, that isn't what I mean. When my AH was playing victim, he would lift up one butt cheek and let loose as loudly as he could. NEVER did he do this when things where going his way.
He would also drive erratically, and much much too fast. Another thing he didn't do when I was being "good".
So, sometimes they ARE doing it TO you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Sounds like just plain immature ways of relating to others to me. Reminds me of my brother when he was about 7 years old (flatulence). Or the bully at school who was so insecure of himself that he would call one girl horrible names.
Some people never grow up and out of their inabilities to handle personal relationships. If you want to think of that as someone doing something "to you" you set yourself up to be a victim. You're not a victim, you're a WOMAN (or MAN in some cases).
Some people never grow up and out of their inabilities to handle personal relationships. If you want to think of that as someone doing something "to you" you set yourself up to be a victim. You're not a victim, you're a WOMAN (or MAN in some cases).
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