The 14 year-old wants him to leave and so do I!
 

Hello everyone,

I had a terrible weekend. My AH is abusing the kids. Every evening at dinner, after he’s knocked off his 5-6 drinks, he’s been picking on the 16 year-old, harassing him and trying to pull him into an insane argument so he can try to feel superior. The rest of the time, he’s yelling at our 14 year old son, striding towards him, backing him into corners and shouting in his face. I lost track of how many insulting things he said to the 14 year old on the weekend.

I had a talk with the 14 year old son yesterday evening and he told me he’d prefer that we not live with my AH, that there’s constant tension in the house and during the school year he can’t concentrate on his studies because his dad is screaming at him so often. Then he told me about an incident a couple of weeks ago, when we were on vacation in Vermont, and his dad took him for a walk to talk to him about some misbehaviour on our son’s part and my AH shouted at him, told our son he’s an “a$$hole”and kept slapping him on the arm every few seconds. I feel sick over all this.

I’ve noticed he also seems to be escalating his emotionally abusive behavior towards me in the past week. I’ve been distant in recent weeks and at first, he was super nice and pleasant 9for about a week). I guess when he saw that I’m still distant, he decided to shift gears and now Mr. Hyde has come out in full force.

I have to get out of this marriage. I’m so stressed out I can hardly think straight. I had planned to attend an Al-Anon meeting this week. I’ve reread the replies to atdawn’s thread “About leaving” and I still feel paralyzed. What should I do first??

My opinion? Contact an attorney. Now. Pull out the phone book or call a friend who might know one, and call. Make an appointment and find out your rights, in terms of getting him out of the house or getting yourself out.

And then tell your kids that you are taking steps to get them out of this nastiness. And mean it.

Al-Anon meetings are great; I love them. But they will not save your children from this abuse, and they will not save you (now, and when they are adults) from being remembered as a mom who didn't stand up for them against this abusive, manipulative bully. Just my opinion as someone raised in an alcoholic household, and who suffered for many years because of it.

If you have to be the one to leave, temporarily or permanently, then read this Sticky post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html. It's priceless.

Hoping you will act to take care of your kids, AND yourself. Life's too short to permit this to happen.

OOps... I wanted to reply...

Anyway, find a lawyer that is step one. Copy all of you tax stuff from the last 3 years and any other important papers or just take them and get a lock box (at a bank or some place not at your house) and keep them there. Open your own account in just your name (if you don't have one). I suggest you use a differant bank. Those are some of the things my lawyer suggested to me. Make a plan and tell him nothing. (It just makes them madder).

Good luck... Your in my prayers..

The first thing you must do is make sure your kids and you are safe. Then you can work on the other stuff. Please do read that link Give Love recommended. If he is actually being physically abusive to your children, please, please get them away from him NOW.

Thank you for writing in Venice. I'm so sorry this is happening and that your AH's behavior has taken such a horrible turn.

The first thing to do, as you have already started, is to reach out to resources that can help you. Don't hide away out of fear of him. You are the only one who can change your circumstances and the fate of your children as well.

Shelternet for Abused Women - connects abused women to shelters

Try this site for Canada. It is not just about carting yourselves off somewhere. This is about knowledge. Knowledge is always a powerful anxiety reliever. You need to start building a plan. How do I get away from this situation safety? Do I need money? How much? How do I file an order in court to protect myself and hold him criminally accountable if he tries to continue this behavior towards me or the kids? An attorney or other legal aide would be beneficial to consult with as well.

If you have not been candid with friends and family about his alcoholism and abuse, please do so. I was so ashamed for years with my XABF that I made excuses and avoided contact with family and friends if I thought his alcoholism would reveal itself. When I finally came clean with them, their support was overwhelming and just what I needed to give me confidence to leave when the opportunity presented itself.

You may have been down this road before and even left and came back before. Think of all of your past decisions, good or bad as dust in the wind, gone for good. You have the chance now to make good, lasting, and safe decisions for you and your children. Without the past holding you back, there's nothing but hope for the future, right?

I wish you peace today. I'll be thinking of you!!!

Alice

Before you call a lawyer, call your nearest Domestic Violence center. Not only can they give you and the boys temporary shelter, they have counselors, can help you get legal help, etc.

What he is doing is ABUSE and many times emotional and mental abuse can be worse than physical abuse. Of course, repeatedly slapping his child on the arm is physical abuse. This will continue to escalate. Please call the DV center right away.

You and the children NEED to be safe. Your are NOT safe in that environment. Get yourselves safe, then go for the legal to get him out.

Hope the above helps.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and the children are doing, as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Once you get you and the kids out of there, it will be much much easier for you to think and see clearly. It's almost impossible for you to function under that kind of stress.

GiveLove,

Thank you for your reply. I did exactly what you suggested - picked up the phone and called the attorney that my friend's lawyer husband had referred to me to some time ago. He said he could see me Friday but to email him in the meantime and let him know what's happening and he'll respond. I'm going to email him today. Your reply was just what I needed to start to do something. Thank you.

ItsmeAlice,

Thank you. I checked and the link works for my province in Canada. I appreciate your advice. I have not been very forthcoming with family and friends, only recently confiding to my sister. I had previously confided to a friend and a brother. I will make the effort to reach out to my family. Thank you so much for your support.

Thank you to all of you who replied with your wisdom. I feel much less alone since I found this site. I want to get my AH out of the house; after all he has done, the last thing I want to do is be forced out with my kids. He deserves to be forced to leave and I hope the attorney can tell me how to do that and help me come up with a plan. I really appreciate the support I've found here.

Set up a credit card in your name alone.

hi venice-

i always feel that it is good to have a plan A and a plan B.

and, it is always good to have a plan that doesn't depend on the alcoholic doing anything.

in your case, you want him to leave. that would require that he do something, i.e. leave.

is there anywhere you and the children can go temporarily, until the lawyers sort everything out?

i don't know the age of your children, but you could parcel a few of them out to families that you trust...or perhaps there is somewhere (grandparents? aunts? uncles? dear friends) that will take the whole group of you? just until your lawyer can sort out the particulars?

or, like laurie said, talk to a DV shelter and see if they have any options for you. when i was going homeless as a result of domestic violence, i went to an organization here who offered me a temporary apartment until i could land on my feet. i ended up at my mother's house but it was nice to know that this option was available also.

i know you might not consider this domestic violence, but it hitting your child repeatedly is violence against a minor.

If you're paralyzed please at LEAST protect your kids by getting them out of the house. I hope you follow soon. It's not about pride or being 'forced out' of your home, it's doing what's right for your children. He is abusing them. Would you not keep them away from ME if I was hurting them constantly??

I felt sad reading your post. It reminded me of what our lives used to look like. My XAH used to call our 17 year old "leukemia boy" because he's always been so thin even though he eats like a horse. He called our 4 year old an A-hole at the dinner table. He threw or 13 year old against the wall and called him a "stupid F-er" for getting in trouble at school for shoving a classmate (gee, wonder where he learned that). He told the kids he was going to break the dogs effin neck and throw her in the trash the next time she barked. It makes me feel physically sick to think about all that I tolerated and all of the work it will take my children to sort through it....a lifetime if ever.

The good news is that I finally did do something about it. I will have to make peace with them and myself for all I allowed them to go through. I am working on that through stepwork in Alanon and my counselor. I did the best I could at the time. You did too. Thank you for having the courage to change the things you can.

Venice,

I answered you other post just now, it will relate to this.

I will just say here; Good for you and good for your son!!! Praise God that there is a trusted relationship between you and your son that he could tell you how he felt and what he wanted/needs.

" Fear not, for God is with you." Lots of good advice and support given already. I will be praying and thinking of you.

love tammy

You and your kids need help NOW. Legal business takes time, and frankly I can't see that you have any as his violence and abuse is getting worse each day.

Please go for SAFETY first, and do whatever legal stuff in a safe environment with help from people who know the ropes in this situation. Too many have waited til they had their ducks in a row and it was too late before that happened. Please don't let you and the kids become just more statistics or newspaper headlines.

God bless

I'm late to this thread and rarely post anymore but this one got to me. Venice I grew up in a home with a verbally abusive alcoholic father and as teenagers my sister and I literally begged my mother to leave and get us out of that situation. She did nothing for years and to this day I still hold some resentment for that choice she made. The verbal abuse causes deep scars and damage that don't become apparent right away. Add physical abuse into this already horrible environment and it's time to act swiftly and decisively.

I would encourage you to seek legal advice AND seek counseling for yourself and your children. I would encourage you to call the police the next time he gets physical, do it as a knee jerk and don't even think about it. You have a case for a restraining order if he's violent. I would encourage you to recognize as a teenager your children feel helpless to make a change and rely on the sober parent to protect them from harm. I would encourage you to recognize YOU are the sober parent and have that responsibility to your children regardless of how confusing your current living situation is.

Jazzman (and everyone else who's replied to my thread),

Your reply struck a chord. Since my original thread I DID call the police as my AH pushed me in front of our 14 year-old son the other day after I stood up to him when he was losing it with the son. My AH was totally unreasonable (frankly the details are just too stupid to even explain) and I told him to knock it off. He told me it was none of my business and I replied that this was VERY much my business. I didn't back down and it became quite ugly. My AH was stunned when the police showed up. First 2 officers showed up and then 2 more and they spoke to the 4 of us (AH, Me, and 2 sons) separately. He was not charged with anything for lack of evidence which is fine with me as ultimately I wanted him to have a wake-up call. After the police left, my 14 year old told me he was happy I called them because he wants his dad to wake up. The 16 year old is less expressive but we talked a lot yesterday and I think he feels more secure that I did something. He seemed happier and more relaxed and talked more openly about all the things his dad has done that have been hurtful to him/us.

My AH as you can probably imagine is furious with me (he also denies that he did anything) and I thought the police being called would shock him into being calm but I think it only made him angrier and now he wants to make me pay for it through some manipulative tactics. He's in total denial. We haven;t spoken but are keeping our distance from each other.

Where I'm at now is that I'm feeling comfortable that we cannot live together like this any longer. I'm seeing a counsellor today that I stopped seeing a year ago to help me sort out the options and make a plan. She also does family therapy and I'm going to ask about counselling for the children. I'm supposed to see the attorney on Friday.

I'm thinking that I will try to have a conversation with my AH where he can come to the conclusion on his own that we have no future together because we cannot live with his behavior any longer. There's a part of me that is wondering if I should suggest we separate, he move out and get treatment and that if he agrees to this, then he could perhaps move back in in 6 months and we can see then if it can work as long as he's being treated. But I think this latter option is in my mind only for the sake of the kids as I'm not sure I even want to try. My 16 year old said he would not be happier if we separated but he's not happy with the status quo either and wants us to stay together and for his dad to change (not likely to happen but he's wishing for it). I also have an 18 year old son who has not been involved in any of this as he only just returned last night from a month-long trip to Europe so I need to find the right moment to speak to him. So I'm thinking I may tell my AH that the only options are:

1. We file for legal separation, he moves out now, gets treatment and after 6 months, he may be able to move back in to see if it can work. If not, the divorce goes ahead after 1 year separation.

2. We file for divorce and he moves out now.

I'm also thinking that if he refuses to move out, I'll get a court order that will force him to, something I didn;t really want to do before but somehow is making more and more sense now.

To all of you who were concerned for the kids and my safety, I really appreciate your concern but I don't believe our safety is being jeopardized at this time.

Positive motion Venice :)

Venice, I'm glad your relationship with your boys is such that they feel secure sharing their feelings with you. There is also AlaTeen which may be helpful to them. Pehaps they would benefit from sharing these things with their peers in addition to their Mom. Just a thought. Thanks for sharing Venice.