The 14 year-old wants him to leave and so do I!

Old 08-19-2009, 08:30 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Venice View Post

Where I'm at now is that I'm feeling comfortable that we cannot live together like this any longer. I'm seeing a counsellor today that I stopped seeing a year ago to help me sort out the options and make a plan. She also does family therapy and I'm going to ask about counselling for the children. I'm supposed to see the attorney on Friday.

I'm thinking that I will try to have a conversation with my AH where he can come to the conclusion on his own that we have no future together because we cannot live with his behavior any longer. There's a part of me that is wondering if I should suggest we separate, he move out and get treatment and that if he agrees to this, then he could perhaps move back in in 6 months and we can see then if it can work as long as he's being treated. But I think this latter option is in my mind only for the sake of the kids as I'm not sure I even want to try. My 16 year old said he would not be happier if we separated but he's not happy with the status quo either and wants us to stay together and for his dad to change (not likely to happen but he's wishing for it). I also have an 18 year old son who has not been involved in any of this as he only just returned last night from a month-long trip to Europe so I need to find the right moment to speak to him. So I'm thinking I may tell my AH that the only options are:

1. We file for legal separation, he moves out now, gets treatment and after 6 months, he may be able to move back in to see if it can work. If not, the divorce goes ahead after 1 year separation.

2. We file for divorce and he moves out now.

I'm also thinking that if he refuses to move out, I'll get a court order that will force him to, something I didn;t really want to do before but somehow is making more and more sense now.

To all of you who were concerned for the kids and my safety, I really appreciate your concern but I don't believe our safety is being jeopardized at this time.

The counselor, the lawyer and your living in reality about what is not acceptable are all signs of personal growth and recovery. Good on YOU!

Take a look at the underlined sentence. You are making a decision that requires action (acceptance) on the part of an active alcoholic. This will likely back fire on you. He will try to manipulate, blame, and guilt you into doubting your decision.

Your decision is that he leaves. You then have a choice of legal seperation or petition for divorce. Your decision will be based on your needs. You can change your mind later. Seperation can lead to reconcilliation (sp?), divorce can change to seperation to reconcilliation, seperation can proceed to divorce, many, many options and all are adjustable.

Your 16 year old is having magical thinking about his father's addiction. Al Anon has brochures for families of alcoholics that explain the effects on the family and the reality of the addiction. He also is basing his opinion about your marriage on his experiences. He does not know what it is like living in a home that is free of active alcoholism and negative energy. He has never experienced a home that was filled with love, respect and compassion. He is embracing his discomfort as security, because that is all he knows. Anything else is unfamiliar.

My motto when I began to make healthy changes for myself and my children was "Embrace Uncertainty". If I based all my decisions on my own personal experiences, I would be living in my past. It's all I know, knew and had. But if I open myself up to uncertainty - I might just find that there are more fulfilling options and experiences awaiting.
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Old 08-19-2009, 09:11 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Learn2Live,

I'm planning to go to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I think Alateen would be good for them. I hope to bring some literature home that I can share with them.
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Old 08-19-2009, 09:16 AM
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Pelican,

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sure you're right about my AH manipulating me if I try to have him come to the conclusion on his own.

I'm afraid you're right about my 16 year old too. "Embrace Uncertainty" sounds like a healthy motto to have!

I'm learning a lot here and really appreciate it.
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Old 08-21-2009, 08:52 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I feel sick for your boys....your husband is a Bully! I wish you would get those boys away from him, like yesterday.

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Old 08-22-2009, 06:51 AM
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I can tell you from 2 years out of a similar situation.... that my life, and my son's is much more peaceful. We feel safe at home. No more walking on eggs shells, no more intimidation. It is quite a relief. I filed for a restraining order and was granted a 4 year "no contact" order. A week after I filed the order, I also filed for divorce.

There is a better life beyond this, wait and see!
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Old 08-22-2009, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
"Embrace Uncertainty". If I based all my decisions on my own personal experiences, I would be living in my past. It's all I know, knew and had.

Thank you for this powerful sentence. Along that line of thinking, I needed outside help to teach and show me how to get out of my situation. My own BEST thinking and my BEST efforts had gotten me smack dab in the middle of a nightmare. I couldn't see out of the situation and that is where places like this board, alanon, individual counseling, my lawyer, and certain books aided in my rescue of myself and my kids.
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Old 08-22-2009, 02:23 PM
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You could waste your whole life and mess up your kids royally waiting for him to change and he might never, why take the risk, sounds to me you and your kids deserve a damn sight better than you're settling for now, glad to see you're making some positive steps and being a good role model for your kids.
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Old 08-23-2009, 06:46 PM
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Thank you Trying2Survive. I'm hoping I'll get to that point soon. My abusive AH refuses to leave and tells me I'm the one who should leave since I'm the one who wants a divorce. I can't leave because I need to take the kids with me and then I'd have to file for guardianship of the kids and that's complicated according to my lawyer . Easiest route is to obtain a court order granting me exclusive occupation of the family home and the kids stay here and my AH leaves. I'm meeting with my lawyer tomorrow to prepare those documents. I fear this will become ugly as my AH is also controlling and always needs to feel he has the upper hand. I'm dreading the week ahead - wish me luck!
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Old 08-24-2009, 08:32 AM
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Try and stay strong and let the lawyers do their work, only engage with him if you have to, if he's how you say he is he'll try every trick in the book to get the upper hand, stay focused on your plan. x
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Old 08-24-2009, 10:42 AM
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Thinking of you today (((Venice)))
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