Suspicions about our daughter
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Suspicions about our daughter
Hello:
I'm new to this site, and am hoping for some feedback from others on this forum as to whether I'm on the right track with my suspicions about our adult daughter.
My husband and I have watched in dismay as our 27 year old seems to have regressed on so many levels (emotionally, morally, intellectually) over the past several years. It's as though she's aged in reverse rather than what would be normally expected, and certainly what we'd hoped and expected.
When she graduated from college four years ago (with a degree in History), she declined to go to graduate school, saying she didn't know what she wanted to do, career-wise, and wanted to try out the work-world for a while before committing to graduate school and a specific career. At the time, we appreciated what seemed a wise and logical decision on her part. We weren't troubled by her decision as she'd always seemed to be a responsible, motivated, focused, level-headed girl.
With help from us, she established herself in San Jose, got a job in marketing, bought a car, furniture for her rental house, and managed her money appropriately, establishing good credit with regular car payments. She began dating a young man, an engineer, who she introduced to us. She continued to be engaged with us as she'd always been close to us and expressed her gratitude for the good relations our little family had always shared.
Then, things began to change.
She dropped her boyfriend (too boring), began a volatile relationship with a new boyfriend. That relationship ended in acrimony after some physical and emotional altercations. But before this relationship ended, she began smoking cigarettes, picking up her boyfriend's habit, at the ripe age of 23!
She was laid off from her job, as the economy began to sour (or so we thought). Then she moved to San Francisco, and began to establish friends in the gay community, immersing herself in the gay nightclub scene and becoming involved as an activist. She found a new marketing job there, and started a pattern of wild partying after work hours, literally every night. One night, she fell down a flight of stairs, drunk, and sustained a significant head injury that landed her in the hospital and kept her out of work for two weeks. She went back to work, and began a six-month relationship with one of her co-workers, a married man who had a young child, and, as well, a serious cocaine habit.
Finally, she broke off with her co-worker, telling us she knew the relationship was morally wrong. She dated several more men, all these relationships ending because they were "untrustworthy". Finally, she "came out", announcing to family and friends she was bi-sexual. She began dating a troubled young woman who is an alcoholic and poly-drug user (meth, cocaine, etc) . Soon after she embarked on this relationship, she was fired from her job, literally marched out the door of her company by her supervisor the very afternoon she was fired. She tried to find work, but couldn't, and went on unemployment. She and her girl-friend partied heavily. One night, they were mugged outside a nightclub as they were drunk and presented as easy targets.
After several months of looking, she did land a job, working part-time, in a child-care company. She never did find a full time job in her previous field of marketing. (Not surprising, given the economy).
She began having trouble financially, with creditors hounding her, even trying to reach her at our house. She and her girlfriend broke up, after the girlfriend, following an intervention arranged by our daughter, went into a recovery program in a distant city. There was brief reconciliation between the women, but it did not last.
Then, her car was broken into, and she could no longer drive it. We gave her some money to repair the car window, but she failed to get the car repaired and used the money for something else. Because she didn't repair it, and could no longer pay insurance on it, we took it down to our house for safe-keeping. When it came to time renew the registration, we found she'd racked up nearly $1,000 in multiple parking fines which she'd never paid.
After the car incident, we realized we could no longer trust her financially, so we stopped giving her ANY money. While she no longer had a source of money from us, it did not stop her from cajoling money from other people, friends, mostly, but also her cousin. A troubling pattern of reliance on (sponging off of) other people was beginning to become evident.
Things continued to go downhill for her financially. Most recently, her part-time employment has been reduced to just a few hours a week. As her unemployment has run out, she was no longer able to continue to rent the house she shared with two roomates and announced to us she'd be moving out. We hoped she'd move back to her home town, and enroll in a graduate program (nursing) as she'd expressed an interest in furthering her education and achieving a career position in the field of health care. We offered to set her up in an apartment in our home town, get her enrolled in a graduate school, and help her financially with furthering her education. She did not take us up on this offer, but instead just moved in with a friend of hers, a wealthy lesbian, age 40, who is very attracted to our daughter and has been trying (successfully as it turns out) to buy her companionship with expensive electronics, clothes, and other accoutrements. Although our daughter has by now identified herself as a lesbian rather than a bisexual, she does not find this older woman attractive, has no romantic interest in her, but is quite comfortable perceiving this woman to be a dear friend (who also happens to be paying all the bills).
Because of our daughter's penchant for wild partying, her financial irresponsibility (she is always "borrowing" money from friends to get out of financial scrapes she seems unable to avoid) because she has become so dependent on others for transportation, food, and now even lodging, and particularly because her social group consists of drug users, I've concluded she is either alcoholic, and/or a poly substance abuser like her companions.
My husband, her father, is slowly coming around to the recognition that something is seriously wrong with our daughter, although at this point he is unwilling or unable to identify what the problem is. She and he communicate regularly, and until very recently, he has allowed himself to be reassured by her promises that she's "doing better" "going to get back into school", "doesn't do drugs, just drinks alcohol", is "cooperating with her creditors to pay off her debts" and the like.
Within our immediate family (aunt, uncle, cousins) our daughter claims the problems between her and her parents are primarily due to "homophobia". This claim has never washed particularly well, as we have close friends who are gay. But it is a useful dodge for our daughter, and one that she clings to as her rationale for her current situation.
I've decided there's not much I can do right now than wait for our daughter's continued dysfunction to finally penetrate fully past her father's defenses. Unfortunately, she has not yet hit bottom, due to the enabling new "friend" she is currently living with. My plan is to maintain a watch-and-wait stance, hoping that the inevitable tensions will arise between the two women, creating such distress that we may have an opening to confront our daughter.
I'd love to hear from some of you!
I'm new to this site, and am hoping for some feedback from others on this forum as to whether I'm on the right track with my suspicions about our adult daughter.
My husband and I have watched in dismay as our 27 year old seems to have regressed on so many levels (emotionally, morally, intellectually) over the past several years. It's as though she's aged in reverse rather than what would be normally expected, and certainly what we'd hoped and expected.
When she graduated from college four years ago (with a degree in History), she declined to go to graduate school, saying she didn't know what she wanted to do, career-wise, and wanted to try out the work-world for a while before committing to graduate school and a specific career. At the time, we appreciated what seemed a wise and logical decision on her part. We weren't troubled by her decision as she'd always seemed to be a responsible, motivated, focused, level-headed girl.
With help from us, she established herself in San Jose, got a job in marketing, bought a car, furniture for her rental house, and managed her money appropriately, establishing good credit with regular car payments. She began dating a young man, an engineer, who she introduced to us. She continued to be engaged with us as she'd always been close to us and expressed her gratitude for the good relations our little family had always shared.
Then, things began to change.
She dropped her boyfriend (too boring), began a volatile relationship with a new boyfriend. That relationship ended in acrimony after some physical and emotional altercations. But before this relationship ended, she began smoking cigarettes, picking up her boyfriend's habit, at the ripe age of 23!
She was laid off from her job, as the economy began to sour (or so we thought). Then she moved to San Francisco, and began to establish friends in the gay community, immersing herself in the gay nightclub scene and becoming involved as an activist. She found a new marketing job there, and started a pattern of wild partying after work hours, literally every night. One night, she fell down a flight of stairs, drunk, and sustained a significant head injury that landed her in the hospital and kept her out of work for two weeks. She went back to work, and began a six-month relationship with one of her co-workers, a married man who had a young child, and, as well, a serious cocaine habit.
Finally, she broke off with her co-worker, telling us she knew the relationship was morally wrong. She dated several more men, all these relationships ending because they were "untrustworthy". Finally, she "came out", announcing to family and friends she was bi-sexual. She began dating a troubled young woman who is an alcoholic and poly-drug user (meth, cocaine, etc) . Soon after she embarked on this relationship, she was fired from her job, literally marched out the door of her company by her supervisor the very afternoon she was fired. She tried to find work, but couldn't, and went on unemployment. She and her girl-friend partied heavily. One night, they were mugged outside a nightclub as they were drunk and presented as easy targets.
After several months of looking, she did land a job, working part-time, in a child-care company. She never did find a full time job in her previous field of marketing. (Not surprising, given the economy).
She began having trouble financially, with creditors hounding her, even trying to reach her at our house. She and her girlfriend broke up, after the girlfriend, following an intervention arranged by our daughter, went into a recovery program in a distant city. There was brief reconciliation between the women, but it did not last.
Then, her car was broken into, and she could no longer drive it. We gave her some money to repair the car window, but she failed to get the car repaired and used the money for something else. Because she didn't repair it, and could no longer pay insurance on it, we took it down to our house for safe-keeping. When it came to time renew the registration, we found she'd racked up nearly $1,000 in multiple parking fines which she'd never paid.
After the car incident, we realized we could no longer trust her financially, so we stopped giving her ANY money. While she no longer had a source of money from us, it did not stop her from cajoling money from other people, friends, mostly, but also her cousin. A troubling pattern of reliance on (sponging off of) other people was beginning to become evident.
Things continued to go downhill for her financially. Most recently, her part-time employment has been reduced to just a few hours a week. As her unemployment has run out, she was no longer able to continue to rent the house she shared with two roomates and announced to us she'd be moving out. We hoped she'd move back to her home town, and enroll in a graduate program (nursing) as she'd expressed an interest in furthering her education and achieving a career position in the field of health care. We offered to set her up in an apartment in our home town, get her enrolled in a graduate school, and help her financially with furthering her education. She did not take us up on this offer, but instead just moved in with a friend of hers, a wealthy lesbian, age 40, who is very attracted to our daughter and has been trying (successfully as it turns out) to buy her companionship with expensive electronics, clothes, and other accoutrements. Although our daughter has by now identified herself as a lesbian rather than a bisexual, she does not find this older woman attractive, has no romantic interest in her, but is quite comfortable perceiving this woman to be a dear friend (who also happens to be paying all the bills).
Because of our daughter's penchant for wild partying, her financial irresponsibility (she is always "borrowing" money from friends to get out of financial scrapes she seems unable to avoid) because she has become so dependent on others for transportation, food, and now even lodging, and particularly because her social group consists of drug users, I've concluded she is either alcoholic, and/or a poly substance abuser like her companions.
My husband, her father, is slowly coming around to the recognition that something is seriously wrong with our daughter, although at this point he is unwilling or unable to identify what the problem is. She and he communicate regularly, and until very recently, he has allowed himself to be reassured by her promises that she's "doing better" "going to get back into school", "doesn't do drugs, just drinks alcohol", is "cooperating with her creditors to pay off her debts" and the like.
Within our immediate family (aunt, uncle, cousins) our daughter claims the problems between her and her parents are primarily due to "homophobia". This claim has never washed particularly well, as we have close friends who are gay. But it is a useful dodge for our daughter, and one that she clings to as her rationale for her current situation.
I've decided there's not much I can do right now than wait for our daughter's continued dysfunction to finally penetrate fully past her father's defenses. Unfortunately, she has not yet hit bottom, due to the enabling new "friend" she is currently living with. My plan is to maintain a watch-and-wait stance, hoping that the inevitable tensions will arise between the two women, creating such distress that we may have an opening to confront our daughter.
I'd love to hear from some of you!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
it is common for our grown kids to distance themselves from us when they are using.
In my son's case he had to get pretty low before he was willing to go to rehab. His addiction progressed quickly when he lived in San Francisco. Often long periods of time went by without hearing from him.
In the meantime I learned alot by going to al-anon regularly/ It helped me not obsess about the mess he was making of his life which went on for a 5 yrs.
Good news is he finally did let me convince him to go to treatment and he is just now completing an 18 mo. program. He had been to two short term programs before, but had been unable to sustain sobriety.
There is no quick solution. He is working hard at changing his life these days.
Keep hopeful ...things do change. We have to be patient and learn to focus on ourselves until the time is rig.ht.
Ea. time he went to rehab it was at my urging. But I had to know when to step in because often he would only disappear if I talked recovery
In my son's case he had to get pretty low before he was willing to go to rehab. His addiction progressed quickly when he lived in San Francisco. Often long periods of time went by without hearing from him.
In the meantime I learned alot by going to al-anon regularly/ It helped me not obsess about the mess he was making of his life which went on for a 5 yrs.
Good news is he finally did let me convince him to go to treatment and he is just now completing an 18 mo. program. He had been to two short term programs before, but had been unable to sustain sobriety.
There is no quick solution. He is working hard at changing his life these days.
Keep hopeful ...things do change. We have to be patient and learn to focus on ourselves until the time is rig.ht.
Ea. time he went to rehab it was at my urging. But I had to know when to step in because often he would only disappear if I talked recovery
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
It IS very tough to witness a child decline in such a manner, I know. It is also hard to draw the line when making the decision to help in one way or another as you don't want to enable her. I feel for you. I have an older son about the same age who has headed down a similar path. Tragic to witness.
But remember, she is an adult. Hopefully she will soon hit bottom, and turn around.
But remember, she is an adult. Hopefully she will soon hit bottom, and turn around.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Electa
I'm sorry that your situation with your daughter is not improving. You and your husband are making a healthy decision to step back and let her continue in her choices. Good and bad choices and let the consequences be hers also.
Have you tried Al Anon meetings yet? My home group has about 4 couples that attend regularly. These couples are there because of their adult children's addictions. We are all thankful for the tools and support we receive from Al Anon meetings.
Please make yourself at home here. Read and post as often as needed.
I'm sorry that your situation with your daughter is not improving. You and your husband are making a healthy decision to step back and let her continue in her choices. Good and bad choices and let the consequences be hers also.
Have you tried Al Anon meetings yet? My home group has about 4 couples that attend regularly. These couples are there because of their adult children's addictions. We are all thankful for the tools and support we receive from Al Anon meetings.
Please make yourself at home here. Read and post as often as needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Spiritual Seeker: Thank you so much for your response. It was succint, but conveyed so much. You're experience and observations are what I needed to hear, and so were your encouraging words about how I (and my husband) need to focus on ourselves and our own emotional health.
Electa
Electa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Pelican: Thanks for your post, and your suggestion. I do want to find an Al-Anon group in my local community. I'm a little apprehensive about this, but will get to it. This site is helping me "get my toe in the water".
Electa
Electa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Trying...
Thanks for the encouraging words. I do appreciate them. I'm waiting patiently and with guarded optimism for our daughter to get sick of her current life. Certainly she is addicted to the scene she is in; the drama, the thrills of living on the edge, and so forth. Our ace in the whole is that she, at some level, craves attention and reassurance from us that we love her. And while we withhold money, we have not withheld love.
Electa
Thanks for the encouraging words. I do appreciate them. I'm waiting patiently and with guarded optimism for our daughter to get sick of her current life. Certainly she is addicted to the scene she is in; the drama, the thrills of living on the edge, and so forth. Our ace in the whole is that she, at some level, craves attention and reassurance from us that we love her. And while we withhold money, we have not withheld love.
Electa
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
