Very Disruptive to al anon meetings
 

Looking for suggestions on how to handle a situation in an Al anon meeting.

The woman has befriended someone who was in the program and is now out of the program. Thing is she stopped coming to the meetings, but every week contacts her friend that still attends and gets the "low down" on what happened in the meeting. The the woman who does not attend goes to those who attend the meeting and tries to help them with their problems. It is obvious she knows word for word what was said. She also sends instructions to the meeting with the woman who goes. This week she pointed her finger at me and said "Because you are Co-dependent!" My response was "Well I use to be, but I don't think I am anymore." She again pointed her finger at me shaking it and said "Yes you are, you are Co-dependent."
I was really taken back. Some of the other meeting members came to my defense, but this woman argued with them also.
She has been in the program many years, more than me. Always was very kind and friendly with to me, until this other woman left the program.
Now it seems they have their own little meeting after our regular meeting, decide what is wrong with all of us and then the woman who attends brings the decisions back to the meetings and tells us all what is wrong with us, apparently me being the main target. I have let it go and let it go, but I also know people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, so I want share some reading, Al anon information, something to make my point to this woman that 1. She needs to keep meeting information at the meeting. 2. She needs to stop taking others inventory.
Any suggested readings, information or suggestions from you all.

I believe you can request a group conscience for this.

....or could you just find another meeting?? Sheesh! That sounds horrible! That would never be allowed at our meeting -- we are strictly 'by the book' and I am so grateful for that!

I'm sure you'll get help with the passages you are looking for. ((Hugs))

How would you handle it if someone did that at a meeting......directly pointed finger at another group member and took their inventory straight up.
She cross talks, interrupts, etc. no one says anything. I have been attending this meeting for 5 years and it is a very small group, 5-7, and always been informal. I tried once to get a meeting format in place, but it was po poed. I am in a rural area and only have two meetings within 40 miles I can attend on a weekly basis.

I am sorry, but what is this and how is it done and how would it help?

OMG Harleygirl-- I would be very upset by this behavior.

I would be eager to share something like this at the next meeting:

"When I leave these Alanon meetings, which are anonymous for very good reason, I do not discuss the details of what I hear, or who I saw, or who said what.

While I may share a tidbit of wisdom with some other hurting soul, I would never, ever reveal the name of the source of said wisdom, nor the identity of any person attending these meetings.

It is clearly an important part of the AlAnon 12 Traditions, which we ignore at our own peril and the peril of the health of this AlAnon group.

For those of you here unfamiliar with the Traditions may I quote:

Tradition 11.
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AlAnon members.

Tradition 12.
Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

I just wanted to share that I value these meetings and feel they are effective when we all follow the Traditions as they were so wisely created.

Thank you."

I hope you can resolve this--otherwise do you have any other meeting options? I know in some locations it is slim pickings....GOOD LUCK!!
peace,
b

Does this group use Al-Anon suggested readings to open and close each meeting? Are the Traditions read?

If I saw that happening I would report it to the district office, they can tell you what needs to happen to get things on track. What you describe as happening is _not_ how an Al-Anon meeting/group is supposed to be conducted.
That kind of behavior has no place in the rooms of recovery.

Every group I've attended has a closing statement that includes:
"Let there be no gossip among you"

How could you possibly feel free to share in that environment? I'm so sorry that your group has let you down.

Hopefully, you will have the "courage to change the things you can" and bring your group back into the traditions.

You can locate your district headquarters online through Al Anon's homepage.

Best wishes for your groups recovery!

I found this on the subject of cross-talk, you may want to bring up some of the very good points at your next meeting.

From INSIDE AL-ANON Dec/Jan 1988-89 Vol 12 No 1

Others have some great suggestions:

A group conscience
Contact the district office
find another meeting

This is a very toxic and unhealthy situation for your meetings. I'm surprised that the other members aren't stopping it.

THis doesn't even sound like an Alanon meeting--cross talk, violating other's anonymity, finger-pointing, acussations! WTF? That is so far off what we're about, it's laughable. This meeting will probably do more harm then good. I'd find, or start (about all you need is a resentment and a coffee pot....lol) another meeting.

Love,
KJ

You know, many a meeting both in AA and Al-Anon has been started on a 'resentment' and a coffee pot. New meetings all over the world have been started for many reasons, but 'resentment' is one of the reasons.

So ....................................

Talk with some of the other members and see how they feel about this, offer to have a meeting, since you say it is a small group, in your home once a week.

Nothing wrong with starting a new meeting, having a 'group conscious' to set the 'meeting guidelines' and go from there. If it becomes a regular meeting, you'll know in about 6 months, then you can find a place, other than your home to hold it.

What you have described is so far off of an Al-Anon meeting that I sure wouldn't call it one.

I have no idea how to stop it ............................ other than to look her in the eye, when she starts her 'rant' at you and say "NOT YOUR PROBLEM." Then ignore her.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

LOL!! That's a good one!!! :lmao

I think the idea of contacting the district office and starting your own meeting would be a great solution to this. Then you could actually get the program off to the correct start. Maybe someone from district could help you for the first week or two.

What seems to be going on in the meeting is a violation of the "What you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here". Nothing said or observed in that meeting should be shared with anyone who wasn't there. Period.


For those readers who may be new to Al-Anon and wondering what we are talking about.....

A group conscience meeting is a meeting in which participating members of an Al-Anon group get together to discuss an issue that affects them as a group. This could relate to something as small as "We need to set up a schedule for making coffee" to "We have a major procedural issue I feel we need to talk about". Looking to Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and General Warranties offer insight on how the group should proceed in resolving the issue.

Sometimes it ain't pretty. But it is a good model for those of us who aren't used to being in rational disagreements with other folks over stuff that is important to us to work out their differences.

Remember, recovery comes first. Guidelines such as those set up by the Al-Anon World Conference allow all of us to be participating members and don't let anyone's personal agenda hijack a meeting. Maybe sit down and write out your concerns so you know what you want to say, revise and revise and then request a discussion?

These ego-type things do seem to occur more often in AA meetings, in my experience. Maybe you could post this problem in the AA forum and see if you get some better advice?

This group does do the suggested reading and yes the Steps and Traditions are read. The readings are discussed. There is never a topic set for the meeting. Like I said at one time I tried to set a format, each person take turns chairing the meeting and setting the topic, but that went on for 3-4 weeks then back to the same way it has always been.

!

The meetings I attend are also by the book. One time a member tried to correct another member about something (cross talking) and was gently told by one of the older members that cross talking is not allowed. End of discussion. The rules are taken VERY seriously by our group. We also have a topic each week (I thought that was a normal format) and a group conscience meeting once a month.

It sounds like starting another group is a great idea, in my opinion. It doesn't sound like that particular group is following the format intended (could be wrong here). There is never cross talking allowed or gossip and NEVER talking to others outside the meeting about who was there and what they said and what advice to give them. These rules are set in stone for a good reason. People will stop feeling free to discuss what they need to in such meetings if they know that they will be judged and gossiped and corrected. How is THAT helpful? By what authority does THIS person have to correct others. Has she been appointed everyone's HP? In a nutshell, that sounds like what she is doing. Does she know better then your HP or anyone else's?

Tradition 2 States: "For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern". It seems to me that this woman is trying to take the place of other's HP and one person does not make a group conscience.

Anyway, like CP said, you have choices:
A group conscience
Contact the district office
Find another meeting

Or you can put up with it and stew. It's YOUR life and YOUR recovery and serenity to take charge of how YOU see fit. Please, don't let someone else dictate your recovery and how you handle it.

DirtMagnet and Blondie shared exactly what I was hoping for, I just wanted to add something that I've heard before and we share it at every CoDA meeting I attend........

What is “Crosstalk”?

Crosstalk can be: giving unsolicited feedback, advice-giving, answering, making you and we statements, interrogating, debating, criticizing, controlling or dominating. It may also include: minimizing another person’s feeling or experiences, physical contact or touch, body movements, such as nodding one’s head, calling another person present by name, or verbal sounds and noises."

"In our meetings we speak about our own experience, and we listen without comment to what others share. We work toward taking responsibility in our own lives, rather than giving advice to others. Crosstalk guidelines help keep our meeting a safe place."

There is a passage in the big Al Anon pamphlet on the Steps and Traditions that lays out the process for dealing with these kinds of problems. There might also be info in the service manual. As I remember it, it goes like this:

1. Bring up the issues (in this case "anonymity") as a meeting topic. Begin by reading some passages from the literature relative to the topic and then open it up for sharing. The idea of this first "approach" is that, hopefully, the offending member(s) will realize that their behavior is inappropriate and cease and desist without any further difficulty or possible upset..

2. Call a group conscience. Discuss the issue. Agree upon a group policy on the issue to be read at the beginning of the meeting.

3. If the behavior persists, another group conscience to decide on what needs to be said to the offending member(s) and who's going to say it.

4. If the offending member(s) refuse to comply, then they can be asked to leave the group.

Sometimes it is helpful between #1 and #2 (or before #4) for the group conscience to decide to schedule a formal group inventory. (There are several checklists for group inventories floating around.) If the group decides to do this, it needs to be scheduled and (probably for at least 2 weeks) announced in advance, so that everyone knows what's going on and knows that one or 2 meetings are going to be set aside for this purpose and people can get their thoughts together and be prepared to participate.

Also, the group will probably want to invite someone from outside the group -- maybe even someone from the District or Region -- to facilitate, because you need someone without an emotional stake in the group. I've done this for a couple of groups and also been in groups that have decided to do it, and it is really a great and helpful process......and a very healthy thing for groups to do every couple of years in general. Obviously, it can be difficult and feelings can get triggered, but if a group sincerely commits to doing this and to doing so in accordance with the 12 Traditions, it can be a wonderful opportunity to experience the power of the Traditions at work in a very concrete way.

Bottom line to all of this is: a group has the right (and the responsibility) to take care of itself and defend itself against members who refuse to honor the Traditions....but it is important to do so in the least hurtful way possible and to give such members the opportunity to "save face" and the time to reform their behavior and also for the group to look carefully at what part, if any, its own behavior/attitudes (say, perhaps, insufficient attention to or knowledge of the Traditions in general???) might be playing in the situation.

Good luck with this -- freya