CAAW

Well, I did go to my friends on Friday had dinner with her, her kids, and my kids. Me and the kids spent the night. After we put the kids down for bed we sat outside by the firepit and talked. I didn't put all my thoughts down, but we did disucss a lot of things.
So a few things...
1.) My husband was out of town this weekend and I actually felt more calm. I used to miss him. This weekend it was a relief. VERY STRANGE FEELING.
2.) I see the relationship my friend has with her husband. They are a team. They support eachother. he enjoys spending time with her and the kids without having to drink. I AM SAD because I don't have that.
3.) Sunday, the kids and I go to a park with friends (husband, wife, kids, inlaws..) have a wonderful day and see another pair of married friends and see how they enjoy to be together hanging out with family and friends. It's not a chore for him. Alcohol is avail for him to drink and he doesn't...WHY can't I have this??
4.) Sunday, I made pot roast in the crock pot. I get home my husband is home from his weekend in the country doing his treestand stuff. My parents come over for dinner and we have a nice family meal. My husband is being super nice all seems normal and good. In the back of my head I keep waiting for him to drink.
5.) He eats dinner and takes off to go play his hockey game. I am alone again just me and the children. I feel abadoned.

I REALIZED TODAY IT IS HARD FOR ME TO SEE MY FRIENDS WITH HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS. THEY HAVE SUCH A CLOSE BOND WITH THER HUSBANDS. THEIR HUSBANDS ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH THEM.

THIS IS ALL I WANT. A HAPPY AND HEALTHY FAMILY. I AM SO SAD I DON'T HAVE THAT. I WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING. I JUST WISH THINGS WEREN'T THE WAY THEY ARE.

Still Waters

You can....just not with an active alcoholic

Bernadette

I JUST WISH THINGS WEREN'T THE WAY THEY ARE.

I know.
I know.
We all know.

All great change for me has started with acceptance of what is and pulling my head out of what I "wish" things were like or how I "hope" things will turn out.

Wishing and hoping aren't a plan.

CAAW there is a life of abundant joy and peace and serenity out there for you! Will it look like anyone else's life? No. Will it be exactly as you wish? No. But that doesn;t mean you have to be stuck with the lousy situation you're in. And the only person you can change in your situation is YOU!

When I got divorced it was a real shattering of my self-image and my fantasy of how things should be. I finally had to create a new motto: Proud to be Weird! Because at first that's how it all felt: weird.

I'm not promoting divorce as a solution to your unhappiness...divorce brings it's own sorrows...but I do know that the power to change your situation is in your hands, it really is, and it starts with acceptance of what IS.

Have you tried AlAnon? Many tools can be learned there to help you get the focus back on you and your happiness...

peace,
b

Seeking Wisdom

That was what kept me holding out hope for so many years ... keeping our family intact, happy and healthy. I would get a brief glimpse of this blissful scenario in our marriage every so often, I would start to feel like we had a normal supportive family with included a stable father for our kids ... and amazingly during those brief times, I would start to forget about the drinking. Then the rational behavior would stop - and the whole dynamics of our family would start to change. Sadly, the addiction would quietly start to re-arrange our lives once more. Once again ... the trust was gone, the sane responsible husband and father was gone .... and realizing someone we grown to depend on ... was no longer dependable. Again we were living in a house of cards - fearing any minute everything would collapse around us. Everything changed because one person chose to make destructive, selfish, unhealthy choices. Instead of our family feeling secure and happy, we once again lived tentatively just waiting for the next irrational upheaval. The difference between sobriety and active addiction was profound.

I grew up in a family devastated because of my alcoholic father... however, unlike my AH, my dad was eventually able to turn his life around when my then 12 year old brother became seriously ill. He snapped out of his self absorbed lifestyle ... accepted his part in destroying his family. He cleaned up and grew up ... and got the courage to ask for his old job back, knowing he would be working around those that knew his previous lifestyle. He put any embarrassment and ego aside ... and went on to work and prosper for the next 25 years with this same company until he retired. The change in our lives was dramatic. My dad spent the rest of his life making amends ... he was able to care for my ailing mom in her later years .... and in his retirement, he supported and counseled me when, despite my best efforts, my husband alcoholism emerged and he slowly progressed to an end stage alcoholic.

I kept hoping for this same change in my AH ... I waited for years, hoping he would see the error in his choices ... and find his way back to us as a sane, responsible family member that would put the welfare of his family above his desire to drink. I never gave up hope he would someday reunite our family. Sadly, lasting change and sobriety never came for my AH .... and many unhappy years of waiting turned out to be in vain. Precious lost years. I finally realized how powerful addiction was ... and in time knew my AH was not destined to overcome it - leaving decades of pain and misery in its path with no happy ending.

I will be forever grateful for my own father's sobriety and admire more with each day his strength and fortitude to overcome alcoholism - but I learned too late, too many alcoholics never find the same healthy sobriety my dad had found. For my family there would be no happy ending - I just wish I could have stepped aside before I had lost so many years waiting for something that would never be.