I became someones sponsor.. wish me luck!

Old 08-16-2009, 10:18 AM
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Wink I became someones sponsor.. wish me luck!

Well this person just confided me some deep issues and said I got experience dealing with drunks LOL.. wish me luck!

I told him before doing anything he has to call me so I kick his a$$ and ask him if he has not had enough hurt yet. And that he has to be brutally honest with me and himself.

He said he will do it for his kids and I told him its a very good reason but it should be something he wants for himself!

He said he was never a good husband and took the wife's love for granted... that he only cared about parties and now he is very lonely... he was totally regretful, couldn't stop thinking about her and what he lost, and said she really is much happier without him, he was sad she rejects him now and I told him we are told the one loving thing we can do is to leave and add to their losses and stop participating... and that she and the kids will be happy he becomes a better person.

Its so true they wake up to reality until the bottom, he says he never thought about this before... and doesn't know why he was so blind and hurt his family


He says he can moderate himself and asked me to trust him on that, I said well try No Drinks for one month, then we will see if I believe you can actually cut back...

Hope I do a good job I feel good knowing someone trusts me....
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Old 08-16-2009, 02:46 PM
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TC999,

I'm concerned about you being this man's sponsor. Red flags are going off in my head. :codiepolice

IMHO< This man isn't at his bottom. He is still in denial. He is now playing the victim to illicit sympathy from you. You as his friend (codie alert) want to help him, but aren't you trying to rescue him from his guilt and shame? Traditionally, sponsors are the same sex as the sponsee.??

What happens if he can't go 30 days without a drink? Do you listen to him whine about how hard it is?

Please tell me that I've got this wrong and that in your excitement you left out information.

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Old 08-16-2009, 07:03 PM
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Hi,

I have male and female friends. Almost all are married. There is a boundary with married's of the opposite sex.

If this married man is confiding to you, you might need to rethink what you are doing in this situation. He has a wife to confide in. Married women (and longterm girlfriends) do not like their partners getting emotionally intimate with other women. It leads to confusing situations. My exbf got himself into a similar situation with the OW.

I write this as your friend and looking out for YOUR best interest. That is a slippery slope so, I would keep my distance. He says that he is lonely. He tells a single girl this. You are not his wife, therapist, mother, girlfriend, etc... He might not even realize what he is doing, but this type of scenario does not end well if it continues.

I don't mean to project onto you, but please think about what you forsee happening in this arrangement.
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Old 08-16-2009, 08:02 PM
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Ok ok, I left out A LOT of information, and now I noticed I also made a typo. So let me clarify the situation and I thank you all for your time and concern

I do not actually see this guy, he is a coworker working overseas. We have never met in person. We talk over the phone and chat about work mostly but as we are slaves at wee hours on the night we also joke and talk about life in general.

The wife is not a wife but an is ex wife... for years now. She wants nothing to do with him romantically. (Pause for the audience's sigh of relief). Nor me, LOL.

And yes, the use of 'sponsor' is not a good adjective for me. I know he is not ready for AA yet and when he is he will find a proper sponsor, I know the drill !

For now I am his confident... I listen and he knows there is Someone Out there who cares so it seems that helps him....

Hopefully he will get to AA... right now I agree he is still in denial. I told him so, he sounded like a typical AH in denial saying he has under control his way of drinking and can moderate it...

Sorry for all my mistakes and I appreciate everyone's input on this, I think my codieness is in check, I am a friend out there that places no judgment... I am not claiming to know better. I cannot be a sponsor for Al anon either, I still fall back to the same old same old!

He approached me because he knew I went out with a drunk guy, took some theater lessons and acted as an AH and attended weeks of AA and an AA-organized retreat.. (4th and 5th step, man was it tough)

I claim innocent to all accounts!

By now I know anything I say won't have an effect on him... he is finally starting to see reality, so I do not know if this is bottom or not, perhaps after failing not to drink he will reach it, and not drinking for a month does not prove he is not an AH either..... he put himself this test... for now I can only be "out there" for him.

Progress...

...not...

........perfection.

Advice still welcome!!
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Old 08-16-2009, 09:29 PM
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Are you prepared for this alcoholic when he gets comfortable with you? Because we all know that our alcoholics Jekyll never came out right away. They made sure that we got good and settled first.

I don't know, I just feel like you have made so much progress. Why take the risk of becoming emotionally involved (in any way) with another active alcoholic? Do you think you might be projecting the hopes you had with your ex onto him? I don't know, definitely not trying to take your inventory I just feel like I KNOW you, like we're friends and this whole thing kinda rubs in all the wrong ways.

You have an enormous heart TC and the fact that I can tell this through a computer screen means you must be about ten times more loving in person. It is a great quality to have but it can also get you into trouble!

Have you spoken to your therapist about this? Keep us posted
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Old 08-16-2009, 09:35 PM
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HE is an ACTIVE MALE ALCOHOLIC in FULL BLOWN DENIAL looking for a FEMALE CODEPENDENT ENABLER THAT HAS AN OVERWHELMING DESIRE TO "FIX", "HELP", "GIVE ADVICE" and COSIGN HIS ********

seems he found one

What's in this for you?

Keep doing what you are doing and you are going to keep getting what you have been getting.

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Old 08-16-2009, 09:57 PM
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Ah!... edit. :p

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Old 08-16-2009, 10:16 PM
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I'm going to respond to the first post, which actually goes with your title, and which is what I believe is what is truly going on there.
Just because you were making a decision that serves neither you nor this sick man well, doesn't mean that you can or should retract what you said. We cannot help you if you are not honest with us. You slipped back into codie mode in your unknowningness about AA and about the fact that sponsors must be alcoholic and same-sex. That's OK. Don't be embarrassed about it. We all go back and forth with this thing.

But your second post just doesn't make sense at all. It's as if you said "Hi ladies, the sky here is green!" and then someone called you on it and you said "Oh, to me green means the same as blue!" I'm not buying it, Sister. So I'm addressing the real post. The first post. Which, IMO, is a codie cry for help.

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
I told him before doing anything he has to call me so I kick his a$$ and ask him if he has not had enough hurt yet. And that he has to be brutally honest with me and himself.
Stop the madness. Didn't you learn from your ex that you cannot control alcoholics and their drinking?

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
said he will do it for his kids and I told him its a very good reason but it should be something he wants for himself!
Well, when he's ready, he'll do it for himself. Nothing here sounds ready to me, and I'm both an addict and a codie.

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
says he can moderate himself and asked me to trust him on that, I said well try No Drinks for one month, then we will see if I believe you can actually cut back...
It doesn't matter what you believe. An alcoholic cannot moderate or cut back. That's what makes one an alcoholic. This is one of those places where a non-alcoholic should be aware that they cannot understand, and so, shouldn't sponsor an alcoholic. And why you need to let him alone at least until he reaches bottom, realizes that abstinence is the only hope he has, and does a program for a year or so. With other alcoholic men.

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
I do a good job I feel good knowing someone trusts me....
Why should you feel like this is an accomplishment, setting yourself up for more pain and usery--even if it is truly long distance? He is the one who has accomplished something--finding a new patsy for his disease, someone to whine to, someone who is a proven codependent.

Please, please, please, disengage now. Get plenty of distance, and stop the madness. You don't need this, ever.

Love,
KJ
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Old 08-17-2009, 03:33 AM
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Ok ok

I just think you are making a great deal out of nothing. But I know some of you are real sponsors so I get where you come from. So sorry for my choice of words... it was not correct. I understand sponsors only work in AA and he is not in AA.

One thing is to be codie and to forget oneself in a relationship. I understand that. Done that

I see nothing wrong in my interactions with this person. I told him about SR and the forum for ppl with his concerns. He may have already joined, I don't know. He is attending a psychiatrist and journaling.

If he changes or not has NO IMPACT in my life at all. And yes, I feel good because this man confided his issues to me and gave me his trust. This trust is NOT "hey you fix my stuff and clean up my messes" he needed someone to listen and I am here to listen

Hopefully one day he will talk to people that can listen and actually help. That is not up to me.

That does not mean I am no longer living my own life and obsessed about "fixing" him

That does not mean he is not taking actions by himself

Its just like us here telling each other where we are at and giving some stuff that has worked for us. I suggested he journaled. He started. So what? I know I can't save him and I am not in the quest for it either. And I do not state I own a solution.

For the ones suggesting something romantic .. may I remind you I am already with someone? sheesh

kj I have been totally honest here since I joined and I see no use on lying to strangers on the Internet.

I do not think I am "engaging" at all either. I have not been with my therapist in a while, I'm feeling good for now. I would not even consider this a topic for her. I won't be following anything about drinks though.....I am no 'authority' for that ... I will just encourage him to seek more help.....

Moderators please close this thread. No offense taken but this is seemingly going all the wrong ways.... everyone making lots of assumptions... probably it was my fault for typing carelessly.

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