The power of God working through children
 

In the middle of last week, my xAGF's son (14) and my daughter (13) conspired to go give my xAGF a real dose of reality. At the time I thought they were acting indendently.... come to find out it was part of what they would call their "evil genius plan."

My xAGF's son told his mother in no uncertain terms... via text messages... that he did not want to live with her and that he did not feel safe with her. When my xAGF asked him why, he texted back, "because you are mentally unstable, you are an alcoholic, and a drug addict... you yell and scream at me. Why would I want to live with that?"

My daughter followed up 2 hours later with an e-mail that I posted here.

And we think kids don't know... but they know SO much and have wisdom we will never understand.

Perhaps hearing that from her own son was a form of bottom for her... but I got this in a rather lengthy e-mail from her.
This was the first communication ever from her in which she did not blame me for anything.

She has agreed to let the kids stay with me for the indefinite future while she works on herself.

God + kids + courage + honesty..... sometimes it seems miracles do happen.

Is she "better?" No. But this is the first sign that she is coming back to something that resembles reality and may be actually embracing recovery.

Now... back to working on my side of the street.

That looks like blame to me. Deflection anyway.

As does this:

Aww.. give her a break SW, she is the healthiest I have seen her :) progress.. not perfection...

TWA stay strong and don't give in to any unhealthy stuff, otherwise she will fall back to the old ways!

TWA I am so glad the kids will stay with you!! It made me cry honest, and how she thanked you for trying to help her.. wow. Disease of distraction, so true!

All the best to her and may she be a good mom and person. I am so happy for you today, damn, I got all teary !!

Thanks for sharing and I hope you can do something GREAT just for you for enduring so much, its wonderful news!

Wow!

We always hope recovery takes hold. And if and when it does, it changes everything.

This was definitely suggesting movement in a better direction on her side of the street.

Now, just don't give her anything to look at, on your side of the street. Keep it clean, clean, clean. :drillserg

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

Sorry, just sounds way too familiar - I hope I'm wrong, I really do.

Glad to hear the kids will be safe with you!

As you said, time to get back to your side of the street. :ghug2

Is it real? Can she hold the thought? I don't know. It does sound to me like for the first time she is at least seeing the wreckage. One week ago, she was convinced that her kids were better off with her because I was dangerous.

Does she really understand the amount of wreckage? Of course not. Does she still blame me and hold me accountable for some of her problems. Almost certainly.

But for whatever reason, she has agreed (for the moment) that the kids are better off with me. For that, I am thankful today.

And now I return to sweeping my side of the street.

Yes SW I agree it can be quacking...

But the action shows at least something important has clicked so...

Still good news :) !!

I agree she is still blaming TWA for where things stand today, but at least the end excuses the means in that the children are able to stay out of harm's way.

I've done my share of codependent manipulation to fit my own ends, I'm no saint. Even as we were separating, I went behind his back to get him housing and a job. It quelled his manipulation of me to let him tag along to my new living arrangement and stopped any thinking on my part that he was being left homeless. Did I feel like a recovery failure for getting involved in something he should have done on his own, heck ya, but I had to let that all go. The end result was what was needed for me.

TWA, let any blame in the email continue to roll off you. Hug those children for their courage to stand up to XAGF and turn the tide in their favor. Then take a break and get back to some daily living with just you and the kids. You know, summer stuff like some good food on the grill, a little outdoor fun. Just breathe for a bit.

I'm sure there's more to come as she's not exactly 100% cured, right? For now, a battle has been won, but the war rages on.

Best wishes to you!

Alice

twa-

i'm not convinced. mine said all the same types of things when i held firm to leaving him. he was sorry, i had done so much, he was going to deal with his issues, thanking me for caring for his children, etc.

well, after he was sober for 3 weeks, i said i would work with him on our recovery.

know where he is now? in a pub, drinking!

tread carefully!

I am not convinced either, but I am still hoping for the best for YOU, trainwreck, no matter what kind of person she decides to be. I don't see a revelation here either - I see an addict who now sees that her allies are becoming fewer and farther between, and is reacting accordingly, saying what she knows you want to hear. If that means she will embrace recovery, and a year from now she is still saying those nice things, that would be a blessing for her. If not, well, see "your side of the street" above. Your happiness is not dependent on her :)

But what wonderful kids. Made me smile to learn of their "evil genius plan," taking action on behalf of their own happiness. I wish I'd been so brave when I was that age.

Do not trust her to leave the kids with you, get it in writing and make it legal ASAP.

At least it is 1 little step forward for her. No doubt there will be the steps backwards at times because it always happens, but you can only deal with it as it occurs and take it One Day at a Time.

Thanks to all for your comments, feedback, experience and strength.

Only time will tell if there is some hope in this or if it is just some different approach to quacking and manipulation.

I will not trust her words. The only thing I will trust at all are actions.

My attorney is drawing up the paperwork I need in order to proect the kids. After that, I have to trust in God and go back to living my life.

I did throw a pool party for the kids today. We had 15 people over and it was a blast. The kids were in the pool for over 5 hours. I was in with them for over 2 and watching from the shade for the rest of the time. It really reminded me of how much I love them and how much they deserve someone to really fight to protect them.

Wow! You have made such progress...I'm so proud of your whole family!

I showed your daughter's letter to my son and he has it on his desk to refer to at times when he is feeling sad about his father.

My husband was remorseful at first, but has gradually drifted back to his behavior (in a modified fashion). I am getting my nerve up to see a lawyer, and your healthy resolve has given me the courage to do it!

Keep your positive family experience going...you are my inspiration right now!

TWA,
That pool party sounds like just what you needed to get your focus back. It's about you and the kids and your life together, not her drama after all, right?

Hope everyone isn't sunburned today, lol.

Enjoy every day!

Alice