Ah, the silence :)
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ah, the silence :)
I am here in still silence. Bf is sleeping next to me. Not because he is drunk. He worked all day since 8 AM, yes in a Saturday. The cat is sleeping too. I am surfing the web on the latest of Paris Hilton - why not. She recommends retail therapy to improve one's mood. So, I bought a new white dress. It made me feel better! Rented movies. Consumed Haagen Dazs cookies and cream with gusto. May go eat dinner at a place that serves until 5 AM. 
I pause for a moment. Still silence. No drunk stumbling to my bed. No shaking hands. No complaints about hurting kidneys. No talking about how beautiful other women are. No macho jokes or radio stations. No Holier Than Thou attitude. No insults. No videogames until late night while I try to sleep. No more gothic metal at high volume for hours to no end in our room and in the car. No more criticism to my body. No more feeling invisible. No more having my feelings and views invalidated. No more stomping on my heart.
You all help me realize what F did is what every alcoholic does. We know how they act. With this we can foresee their future too. I know what will happen to him if he goes on. And it won't be pretty. I am able to see he will never understand reality as long as he is still drinking, so I am no longer expecting anything from him. I suffered waiting for him to "see" how much he hurt me. Well he is not even able to see how much HE hurts either. He is numbing himself from life. And its OK. Just as he does not need me - I do not need him either. I cannot control him, yes - and he cannot control me either. My happiness is not up to him anymore.
A huge weight has lifted.
What was I thinking? I am so blessed to be finally out from that madness. I am tired of madness. The madness of double guessing if F really is an alcoholic. The madness of living with him. The madness of lies and manipulation. The madness of breakup. The madness of new enablers for him. The madness of my codieness. The madness of my longing for something in the past turning me blind to my present. I am done.
I can be so damn happy now its scary. I am starting to feel free from my codieness, my need to be needed or accepted. I have stopped caring about people that never cared for me.
I started realizing my own potential and how great I can feel and look... how slowly but surely I regain myself and know myself better. I am getting excited about living my own life again. I am making plans that excite me. Around this time last year I was miserable and hopeless
!
Life is too short to be suffering so much. I hope you all can turn your head around and look all the gifts given to you daily and appreciate them fully. I am tired of my codieness and slavery to the past. I deserve a good life and so do you! hope you realize this today :ghug3
I pause for a moment. Still silence. No drunk stumbling to my bed. No shaking hands. No complaints about hurting kidneys. No talking about how beautiful other women are. No macho jokes or radio stations. No Holier Than Thou attitude. No insults. No videogames until late night while I try to sleep. No more gothic metal at high volume for hours to no end in our room and in the car. No more criticism to my body. No more feeling invisible. No more having my feelings and views invalidated. No more stomping on my heart.
You all help me realize what F did is what every alcoholic does. We know how they act. With this we can foresee their future too. I know what will happen to him if he goes on. And it won't be pretty. I am able to see he will never understand reality as long as he is still drinking, so I am no longer expecting anything from him. I suffered waiting for him to "see" how much he hurt me. Well he is not even able to see how much HE hurts either. He is numbing himself from life. And its OK. Just as he does not need me - I do not need him either. I cannot control him, yes - and he cannot control me either. My happiness is not up to him anymore.
A huge weight has lifted.
What was I thinking? I am so blessed to be finally out from that madness. I am tired of madness. The madness of double guessing if F really is an alcoholic. The madness of living with him. The madness of lies and manipulation. The madness of breakup. The madness of new enablers for him. The madness of my codieness. The madness of my longing for something in the past turning me blind to my present. I am done.
I can be so damn happy now its scary. I am starting to feel free from my codieness, my need to be needed or accepted. I have stopped caring about people that never cared for me.
I started realizing my own potential and how great I can feel and look... how slowly but surely I regain myself and know myself better. I am getting excited about living my own life again. I am making plans that excite me. Around this time last year I was miserable and hopeless
! Life is too short to be suffering so much. I hope you all can turn your head around and look all the gifts given to you daily and appreciate them fully. I am tired of my codieness and slavery to the past. I deserve a good life and so do you! hope you realize this today :ghug3
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 08-15-2009 at 11:25 PM.
Oops.....meant to click on this smilie! That's what I get for getting on the computer at 4am, LOL! You're doing great.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
LOL!!!
I am off to manicure, buying a nice robe (I love to play spa at home!!) a skirt and boots to look smashing tomorrow at work
I am so happy I stayed in my job even with ex, for the $$, I will finally be able to support a NGO of my choice CARE CARE :: Defending Dignity, Fighting Poverty so there is a motivation to keep my job and do a good work!!
I will try do a homemade pizza today, wish me luck lol
I also remembered I owe a gift to the cleaning lady that supported me through hell and always reminded me God was saving me from bad stuff. I bought her a doll, she said she always wanted one and will give her tomorrow as a surprise
I hope you all do something nice for yourselves today even if its little
I am off to manicure, buying a nice robe (I love to play spa at home!!) a skirt and boots to look smashing tomorrow at work
I am so happy I stayed in my job even with ex, for the $$, I will finally be able to support a NGO of my choice CARE CARE :: Defending Dignity, Fighting Poverty so there is a motivation to keep my job and do a good work!!
I will try do a homemade pizza today, wish me luck lol
I also remembered I owe a gift to the cleaning lady that supported me through hell and always reminded me God was saving me from bad stuff. I bought her a doll, she said she always wanted one and will give her tomorrow as a surprise
I hope you all do something nice for yourselves today even if its little
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
