HanahGoodness

I'm married to two men...the one, a businessman who goes to work during the week, and the other, a man who turns into a bully, a crazed coward who can't own up to his own weaknesses. This second man seems to exist only to pervert whatever love we used to have in this family. I know he does it because he is grasping at strings...but by not accepting his problem and embracing a solution, he is only pushing himself further and further away from us.

TakingCharge999

anvilhead taught me this

Its just ONE person...You cannot pick Jekyll only..he comes along with Mr Hyde

Is Mr Hyde acceptable to you? No? What are you going to do about it?

This is as good as it gets. Active alcoholics always get worse, not better.

MeHandle

HanahGoodness,

And this is where mine lives in the spirit of contradiction and tells me he is a good man, that his heart is better then others, that I should here how other men are. I believe he shares this with me because he is trying to convince himself with all he is doing he still is of the "better" men. That his "idea" of love is genuinely good that he feels towards his family.

What he means is he has a conscious towards thinking he wants to do good over bad, and i believe this is true. However, he chooses to remain a prisoner of his actions. His ideas, feelings and actions are actually existing together in a paradigm of chaos.

Part of this 'good man' : his work gets all his sober hours and his family got all the rest. Drunk, abusive and/or absent behaviors. When he calls me for some reason during working hours it is like talking to a different man.

Those other men he speaks of, maybe he is right, maybe not. those other men may speak 'bad' but do 'good' when with their family. Who knows. But I married him. I expected his 'good' heart to lead his actions. Instead his actions got worse and his heart follows into the 'bad.' He no longer even sees that what he sometimes thinks is good is really bad, as the years of drinking has brought with it more stinkin thinkin and resentments from feelings, not from truth, evidenced by the fact that they don't even match reality. He lives in a spirit of confusion and chaos in his drunkenness.

As long as he continues to drink and not surrender he will continue to pervert "love."

For my kids I have required reading, against the above perversion because i know what my kids have saw no matter what I said. Covering the perverted love situation ( however, this book covers much more too) the required book is the "book of romance" by tommy nelson. It is a book that expresses what is suppose to be, an instructive life time love story between 2 humans and what that has to do with family and kids . It gives them a chance to listen to an objective outsider on the issue as my words weakened by being in a perverted marriage , very different from the one I speak of and encourage them to prepare for.

love tammy

HanahGoodness

MeHandle,
Thank you so much for your words. I, too, talk to a different man when he calls me during the day. He is so much more positive and caring...actually asking about me and what the kids are doing. I can't ever count on the fact that this good person will come home, sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't. But it is exhausting having to live like this.

The encouragement and support I find here, help me to make it to each new point in this journey.

kv816

Funny, I said the exact same thing to (now) XABF not too long ago. He made a comment how I used to call all the time....when I got up at 6, on my way to work at 7:30, around 9, at 10:30, again at noon when I stopped for lunch. Then it might be 4 or 5 the next time I called and 9 or 10 that night when I called again, if I called at all.

I hid so much of my feelings from him for so long because I was afraid it'd upset him and be the end of us, so I kept it inside. Now I know the end was obvious and the truth made no difference. I flat out told him it was because at 6 and 7:30 he was still in bed. By 9 he was on his cup of coffee. By 10:30 it was the third cup. By noon only one or two beers was in him. By 4 it was 6 or 7 and that's when Hyde was being faught off. After that, I'd call only to hear crap I didn't need to put up with. Crap I didn't need to have to deal with after a 10 hour shift.

He never did seem to get it. I don't care anymore, and haven't for several months. I deserve better. I won't live like that anymore. I made that choice awhile ago and it's one that I'm proud of.

And that right there is why I'm proud of the choice I made.

itisatruth

Hi Hanah....I understand the Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde all too well. Although my AH is in the early recovery, I don't think anything will ever make up for the times Mr. Hyde was in town.....staying with my AH was a personal choice I made after some very difficult times and finally standing up and setting some very clear and real boundaries -- for what is OK in my life today. The jury is still out on my future with my AH but I go at it knowing that I now value my happiness and needs more than ever before and I take time every day to make myself and my needs a priority in my life. We all have to find our own solutions in our own time but I hope you always know that you deserve the nice guy and not the bully. The question is always seems to be what are we (you) willing/ready to do about it.

I mean no disrespect to this comment - I get where it's coming from - but feel a need to point out that sometimes As do get better. Not always, and not nearly as much as we'd like, but some do find recovery/abstinence.

But like the quote says, it really is only one person....and as friend/loved one of an A, we need to decide what we are willing to accept in our lives. We didn't cause the problem, can't change it, cure it, OR control them.......but we can choose our own paths - the power is within us.

GiveLove

ACTIVE alcoholics, which are the ones TC was referring to and the ones that hanah is dealing with, do not get better. They only get worse. Those in recovery have a chance...but hanah's A doesn't even admit yet that he has a problem. Hugs to all for some very difficult decisions ahead.

itisatruth

My comment was not concerning Hanah's alcoholic. My comment was just pointing out that some do find recovery. Recovering alcoholics were once ACTIVE alcoholics.

Yes, they have to want it. Yes, if they don't get help/admit they have a problem/stay in denial/continue lying to themselves....it often leads to much, much worse and no we can't do it for them. I'm not telling Hanah or anyone else to remain with an ACTIVE alcoholic or ACTIVE addict. What I said was that some do get better. Some who have found recovery are here on SR and post often - they walk the talk and live it everyday. I just wanted to point out that a blanket statement like "they always get worse" is simply not the absolute truth.

So Hanah....if/when you come back as I hope you do......remember to look at what IS, not what you hope to get -- look at his actions -- and know that, if you don't expect better your life won't get better.

HanahGoodness

Dear Friends,

Interestingly enough...today is a good day so far. Yesterday was awful for the most part. I'm never really sure what triggers the drinking. He can go for days and not go near it, but he always seems a little frantic when I know he is getting closer to a slip. Then he'll have a relapse...and the cycle begins again.

Part of me hopes for recovery and that is what keeps me here. The other part of me is planning my "exit strategy". I've set my boundaries for what is acceptable, but it still gets to me...especially when I watch how my kids react to him. They are so hurt by him and for him. So I guess that I do expect better for myself...I just want him to be part of that better life.

kv816

You say so many things that I myself could (and probably have) said. I think it was another post I made the comment about how I'm not sure which was worse--the drunk him or the dry him. The first day without was rough, I could tell he wanted it SOO bad. The second or third day was good, he was a lot like the man I fell in love with and I was reminded why I fell in love with him. Days after that the withdrawl and desire, the need, the dependency kicked in and he seemed more unruly than he would have been just drunk.

That's what hurt me the most. Seeing how quickly he could change. And then when I started really paying attention to ME more than him, I realized how much I changed because of his drinking. It got to the point where simple little things, like me popping the top of a can of soda....that sound made my skin crawl and almost made me sick.

Bernadette

Interestingly enough...today is a good day so far. Yesterday was awful for the most part.

I learned in AlAnon how to stop making my impressions of whether my day was good or bad dependent on the alcoholic's behavior.

I'm never really sure what triggers the drinking.
And you never will be, and you can make yourself cuckoo wondering about it and trying to figure out "why?" Or worse listening to the alcoholic justify why they drink, what triggers it etc...quack quack!

...especially when I watch how my kids react to him. They are so hurt by him and for him.
Too true!! I've spent countless hours - first recreating the unhealthy dynamic of my parent's alkie/codie marriage- and then clawing and struggling and fighting my out of that and recovering my whole self...I got so many scars and scares from growing up with an alcoholic father...ugh!

I encourage you to talk honestly with your children about what's going on...call it what it is: Alcoholism.
And reasssure them that:
They didn't Cause it.
They can't Control it.
They can't Cure it.

That would have spared me a world of grief growing up....just ONE HONEST ADULT who was not in denial!!!!

Have you tried AlAnon? It really turned my head around and has helped me deal w/ the ongoing alcoholism/recovery of my 3 brothers....

welcome and keep posting!!
peace-
b

HanahGoodness

Bernadette,
I did go to Alanon...and I will go back. They were wonderful, and it was truly an eyeopener to hear how the focus was on the family member, not the alcoholic. So much of my existence has been about keeping him "ok"...sort of forgetting about myself in the mix. What I really want to do is to get my kids to go to Alateen or Alanon. They have seen our therapist and opened up a great deal to him.

Thank you for your comments!

Blondie

I finally had enough when Mr. Hyde appeared 98% of the time. They do get worse over time, and I can attest to that.

kv816

They don't ALL get worse.

I remember the first year into my relationship with XABF. After our first physical confrontation, I went to my boss's house. I was shaking, stuttering, crying. It was 11 at night, raining. We sat outside under the stars and he let me cry my eyes out. He told me then that he had worked domestic for 20 years and knew, first hand, that it would just get worse. But I refused to believe him. A black eye, headache from hell, finger print bruises on both arms and I believed he'd apologize in the morning and would get help and it would all be okay. No way, it wouldn't get worse.

It got worse. It got a lot worse. I've had more and more bruises, fractured and broken bones. I've lost my strength, my courage, my faith. I've forgotten what the stars I used to wish on look like. I've been embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted. I cried my eyes out to my boss one more time since that night at his house.....and it's when I looked at him and told him he was right. He was right, it did get worse.

My dad is an RA. Sober 20 some years now (though he has relapsed a few times in those many, many years). He was a mean drunk. He said and did a lot of things that I remember crying myself to sleep over. He and my mom have divorced and remarried 3 times.

Last night, he slept outside in the backyard in a tent........because my 5 year old nephew who is staying with them right now wanted company under the stars. They roasted marshmallows and sang songs over the camp fire. Told ghost stories. When we visited this past spring, he and my daughters went shopping. They bowled. They raced and boxed on the Wii. And they dressed up (it's quite hillarious to see a 50 year old man in a dress and high heels).

My A will not sober up, ever. I hung on for a long time, because he was SOO much like my dad that I had hoped one day he would finish like my dad--he'd sober up and someday put on a dress and dance around a make-shift camp fire in the back yard (in an acceptable, sober way).

I have accepted that it will not happen. He will not sober up like my dad did. I've come to grips knowing that my A simply can't.

I'm not telling you to stay and put up with it. I'm not telling you to leave. It's a choice you have to make. My mom is happy with her choice to stay. I'm happy with my choice to leave.

And that's ALL that matters.