whyamistaying

His hearing is in 3 weeks and I assume he will plead guilty to his second DUI. He will serve 4 days in jail. I don't want to drive him to jail. I didn't get the DUI.

However, I continually struggle on what to say when I assert my boundaries. I've tried telling him it is part of my 12 steps, that I didn't get the DUI, that we are busy that day, ect. Nothing works. Lately, I have just not said anything and not done it.

However, he will not be happy if I say I am not driving him to jail. He's going to say, "How am I supposed to get there?" and say that "If I loved him..." I just don't want to fight.

He does NOT get when I tell him I won't do it and wants to fight about it.
Should I just say nothing. I'm thinking of telling him that I can't get anyone to watch the kids and I dont' want them to see their dad being dropped off at jail. That would minimize an argument where it makes it all about me. But I then I'm not being direct.

suki44883

Why would you have to drive him? Won't he be taken right then by the court officer?

naive

i'm with anvil. no is a good answer.

if you don't want to say that, then you could always be somewhere else, make some other plans and be unavailable.

smacked

Say "no"... I agree with that.

If he doesn't find his way, he'll reap those consequences too.

I'm sure he can figure it out.

Why make excuses? "No." is a complete sentence. Do something else that day, don't even be around..

TakingCharge999

Say NO
"How am I going to get there?" Take a cab and DONT look up the # for him!

You don't need to make excuses and if he gets angry well whatever, just take care of yourself, leave the house if needed.... YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG

I am sorry you are living with someone like that when you constantly have to defend yourself and are afraid of his reactions

whyamistaying

I do say no or I'm not doing it. Then he responds with his, "Fine then" or "All I do is work, work." "I'm out working on the streets for 10 hours a day and all I'm asking is that you do x." So I qualify my no, which I guess I shouldn't, like I have my 12 steps, or I didn't get the DUI, ect.

I think somewhere he thinks that it is part of my wifely duties to do this. That I don't love him since I'm setting boundaries. And that is why he pitches a fit. He doesn't like it one bit. So if I say I can't or no, that doesn't stop the discussion.

I will try harder to just leave when it happens, but that means pack up the kids too. But I can do that. I

And from my understanding, he goes on the weekend to jail...in on a Friday and out on a Monday. Or that is the "arrangement" so far.

ElegantlyWasted

I think boundaries and consistency with them is very important to establishing (or reestablishing healthy boundaries). If he doesn't have cash... Maybe get him a cab. Positive reinforcement for the behaviors you want him to have is key. As best I can figure out it is all basic psychology... Stimulus and response... remove the stimulus and the response doesn't happen and hopefully negative attention seeking to get that stimulus will go away after a while. I think it does take time so be strong. I'm working on similar issues with my GF. I knew I totally needed to dry out and that my drinking was giving her a reason to drink more that she should. Best of luck to you and yours and wishing you the strength to effect positive change.

Freedom1990

"No" is a complete sentence. End of story.

laurie6781

Sweetie ................................... NO ................................ is a complete sentence.

Once you have given your answer, no further response on your part is needed. He can rant, rave, pitch a fit and QUACK until he runs out voice, doesn't matter. You stated your answer. Walk away and do something, if he follows, start humming. (it does work). Now if he should by chance make a 'threat' or a 'threatening gesture' then you call 911 and he has his ride to jail.

No is NO. No explanations are needed.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

freya

...now there's a plan that seems perfect for both of you!

freya

naive

i do understand wanting to avoid his fit or temper tantrum. mine throws them too and they are not pleasant.

however, i find once i stand up for myself, the expectation is established and he slinks away to go and find another enabler.

you might only have to put up with the tantrum once or twice, then, if he is like mine, he'll storm away in a huff and come up with his own solution. and then the next time, he won't even ask me...as he knows he won't get his way anymore.

Jadmack25

Agree that NO is a good answer. If he keeps quacking I suggest to each quack you tell him "I have said NO already", and find something else to do. Repeating these same words may actually get thru to him at some stage.

God bless