4peasinapod

Hello all,

I'll give a brief background... I am currently married to AH, this is the 2nd marriage for both of us. I have children from my 1st marriage. He has admitted to having a problem but "doesn't know how to stop" and "will not go to counselling or rehab because then it would be on paper". He has gotten progressively worse (just like everyone says)... he is drinking more, getting more depressed, more agitated, more more more... everything seems to be amplified (or maybe I'm just getting too tired).

Let me preface the following paragraphs by stating that I have been reading the abuse stickies and doing research, however I don't trust my own judgements right now.

Anyway, last night we had a long discussion about why he has been so distant and cranky (initiated by him) and he said he wants to stop but doesn't really think he'll be any happier or any better of a husband if he did. Keep in mind that I wasn't saying much of anything, he was on a roll. What really has me concerned and rather weepy today is while having this talk he brought up his ex and how she hurt him when she cheated on him, then he looked me right in the eye and said "don't ever cheat on me... I will put a bullet in your head" (not the first time he has said this). He also volunteered that he will not go through another divorce.... till death do us part is the only way out. He has never physically hurt me, but definitately uses intimidation often.

I guess the codie part of me is down playing what he said but what little rational brain I have left if telling me to RUN! (although I don't think I could run fast enough or far enough to dodge the bullet the he has my name on). I am an emotional mess right now and don't know what to do, think or feel....please talk to me... help.

jehnifer

I am so glad you have posted here. All I can offer you is strength and encouragement to keep posting and listen to other's wisdom. Thats what I did and...they have been right on so many things.

regarding your husband's comment...My opinion is that it's very scary and something to pay attention to. Wish I could offer you more...

Others will be along shortly to offer their viewpoints.

smacked

Are your children living in this home!?

Yes, run. With some legal help. Glad you're reading the stickies. No one deserves to live in fear. No one should stay in a 'marriage' that has death threats thrown around.

I hope you protect yourself, and your children.

4peasinapod

I have joint custody with my ex, so they are in the house 3 days 1 week and 4 days the next. Until recently they have not had a clue.

I actually just told them 2 days ago about their stepdad being an alcoholic and how I had struggled about telling them (since it is not their burden to carry), but I thought it might explain to them some of his behavours and why alot of the times I tell them at 8pm to go to their rooms for the night (as to not agitate him or have him take anything out on them).

My oldest, God love her, said "mom, he's probably alot better with us than without us.. maybe that's why we're here", and one of my other kids started crying because "that's not fair to you mom". That just about tore my heart out.

I just want to puke.

4peasinapod

Thanks for replying anvil... I was hoping you did. Your posts always seem to "speak" to me.

It's just so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that someone who is supposed to love, honor and cherish you could actually do that.

smacked

That is NOT a way for your children to live.. in fear of their drunk of a stepdad, having to hide out in their rooms.

I hope you find some strength about this soon. I tend to boot people out of my life if they threaten to kill me.. or if they're a danger to people I love.

4peasinapod

[QUOTE=anvilhead;2330095]you question your own truth and have lost sight of your own boundaries, your own safety.QUOTE]

You say that like you know me personally, man you hit the nail on the head!!! How pathetic am I, geez, it's so hard to see thing swhen you are in the middle of it. If any of the kids told me their spouse did that to them I would tell them to leave too. Why do I not trust my "gut" anymore?

Still Waters

Been there, not a good way to live.

This is a threat on your life. Plain and simple. I, for one, would feel much better knowing you're out of there and that he doesn't know where you and the children are.

Still Waters

[QUOTE=4peasinapod;2330105] It's all part of it. He's worked hard to convince you that you are deserving of his abuse.

It IS hard to see it - it was only the physical sickness I was dealing with that convinced me that I had to get out. I guess it's our brains way of forcing us to see what we don't really want to see.

jehnifer

to go to their rooms for the night (as to not agitate him or have him take anything out on them).

eeerliy familiar...that's what's happening at our house too. Something very wrong with this. I cannot live this way anymore. its not fair to the kids and worst of all...what is it teaching them about relationships..that they will take with them into adulthood?

4peasinapod

I am really struggling with "gut" thing. Actually, I have a bad case of the "buts"... ie, He said he'd shoot me, BUT he doesn't really mean it. He thew a pack of smokes at me, BUT he was just angry. He did this, he said that... BUT....

I think of myself as a fairly intelligent woman, why do I put up with this? Am I brain damaged?

Still Waters

Would you accept this treatment from me? From a stranger on the street? From a waiter at a restaurant?

MeHandle

You can also tell him, "You( AH) need to leave."

Still Waters

Yah, I did that, but you need a plan in case he won't. :/

TakingCharge999

Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)

Dear 4peas, you say he won't go through a 2nd divorce... now.. WHO IS ASKING HIM? he is not the 100% of this relation you know, sheeesh.

By asking if you are overreacting after all you posted I know this threat is not new and abuse has been going on for much time.. I am really glad you posted here...

It broke my heart knowing your kid cried and said its not fair, he or she is RIGHT ON.

If he won't go through a 2nd divorce then he would work things out, but NO, he threatens you and assumes you will stay out of fear.

Please know you do not deserve this and you are in control of your life, the past is the past, TODAY you can choose something else. Something different.

Think about your kids, they are learning its ok to treat a woman this way, or to be treated this way!!

naive

hi 4PeasInAPod-

i want to address your confusion and not trusting yourself. after 4 years living with my alcoholic, i was the same. i felt very confused and foggy and didn't know what foot to put in front of the other.

what helped me was to post here and state what was happening and get some clear, sober, sane input. a "reality check", per se.

the second thing which helped me was to keep a daily journal of what he was doing and saying. each day, i wrote down how much he drank, what happened (throwing things, depression, money wasted, lies, etc.)

after two months of journaling, a very clear pattern emerged into my foggy, confused brain and it was so helpful to see just how much abuse i was tolerating.

mine used to throw things and intimidate also. at first, it was only that. he'd throw a coffee cup, or rip up money or punch a door in a temper tantrum.

as i began to make my stand, he felt threatened by this and drank more. then, it moved from throwing a coffee cup to throwing me. i didn't think it would, as he had never actually hurt me, but with enough drink, it did happen.

you and i both know that with too much drink, things get volatile. him threatening to kill you if you cheat on him is something that you should take very seriously.

when my situation got kinda crazy, i packed an emergency bag and left it with a neighbor, just in case i needed to leave quickly. it had my passport, some cash, and some clothes in it. it gave me a bit of peace of mind, to have a plan.

what makes me concerned about your husband is that he throws things. to me, that means that he is not in control of his anger and that's what makes this situation dangerous.

keep posting. we're here.

naive

4peasinapod

I know I need to leave. He won't. We live in the house he grew up in. I have been trying to save some money on the sly knowing deep in my heart I would eventually need it, but denial keeps playing with my head telling me I am saving for a new kitchen, or the kids school clothes, etc.

I feel like I'm watching a movie of someone else, like it's not really happening to me (again denial). I feel like I have lost all control over my own life. I know I can't control or change him... but can I even do it for myself?

naive

hi 4PeasInAPod-

yes, i was in denial also. that's why the daily journal was so helpful.

i spent a lot of time convincing myself that his drinking wasn't that bad. once i wrote it all down, i couldn't continue to deny it anymore.

i felt like things were moving in slow motion, it was very surreal. like i was an observer of someone else's life. i remember the first time he attacked me, it was very much like a movie i was watching happening to someone else.

you can do it for yourself. the first step of alanon's program is:

i admit i am powerless over alcohol and it has made my life unmanageable.

dothi

A man like this will have a similar impact on your children. If you think your judgements are clouded, what about your kids?

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4peasinapod

"mom, he's probably alot better with us than without us.. maybe that's why we're here"

This really resonates with me because I was your oldest daughter. In my eyes, my dad's feelings took precedence over everything else in the house. I was all ready to grow up and take care of my dad so he won't be so sad (and drink) anymore. I believed that I could do a better job than my mom because I was spending all my time revolving with the rest of the house around him.

Your daughter is learning that she is meant to be trapped with an abusive man. This is just several years away from an abusive boyfriend and "maybe that's why I'm here". She feels that because she has feelings/needs of her own, she is betraying him, which is causing the only kind of irrational guilty that makes a SANE PERSON believe they're meant to be abused.

Please realize that no one is living their own life in your house. It is all revolving around your husband's behavior - the fear he generates, his moodiness, his lack of respect for other people's feelings, his verbal wrecklessness, etc. It will only get worse for your kids as they grow and start to express themselves as individuals.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4peasinapod

I feel like I have lost all control over my own life.

You may have this backwards. This feeling is scary and unfamiliar because it's the first time in a long time that you've had so much control over your life. This is a big reason that my mom is still with my dad. It's easier to keep letting him make decisions than face her reality. She lives in a marriage where both parents have very strained relationships with all of their children.

Still Waters

Yes, you can. That's what's so great about all this. Yes.You.Can.