4peasinapod

dothi,

Thank you... I really "hear" what you are saying. OMG I am grooming little codies! I don't ever want them (I have 3 girls) to go through this or think this is how it should be.

And you are right about the scary and unfamiliar feeling because I know have to make the choice and take the steps I have been avoiding (if for no other reason than my kids). I'm just really not sure where to start. How do I leave and stay alive (literally)?

suki44883

4peas...this article is extremely helpful by giving you step by step information on what you need to do.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship

Still Waters

The National Domestic Abuse hotline is an excellent place to start 4peas: 1-800-799-7233. They have been very helpful for me after it was recommended by someone here that I call them.

They can give you local numbers for all sorts of support and help.

If necessary, you can be escorted out of the house and taken to a safe area, where your AH can't find you. They will be able to hook you up with legal help, financial help, etc.

MeHandle

Everybody had great input to you, I am so glad your here!

Here's my to sense and experience.



I thanked stillwaters for saying " you need to have a plan in case he won't." Before you responded I even dropped her a note and said," Hoped you would say that. He sounds like ours. Bet he won't leave."

My experience to was like naive said, the stronger a stand the more threatened he had become and the more he drank. I would guess that his comments to you about killing and death are also because he's feeling your distance already and is threatened.

child 1: "mom, he's probably alot better with us than without us.. maybe that's why we're here":
Great heart, however, an unintentional savior complex. She doesn't understand that it is not her or your responsibility to create a comfortable environment through a protection of love. Like a child I was doing this,being naive, that is why i relate to your daughters statement. It is loving to let him suffer his consequences and be uncomfortable. Leaving him as a partner ( whether permanently or for a time) is a consequence of him abusing and being an abusive partner and also therefore an harmful parent. God did not mean for us to suffer abuse from our marriage partner or parent. JUST THE OPPOSITE. A marriage partnership is where we are to come get rest, support , protection and love from our spouse as we deal with the stresses/abuses the world dishes out. And this same thing applies to the parenting of our children as we exemplify a healthy ,loving, protective marriage. We are not called by God to be with the AF/AH as if we are saving him from having a worse life if we weren't their. A loving heart she has, but she is seeing things through her perspective of maturity as she watches her loving mother and the gifts God has given her.

child 2: "that's not fair to you mom":
Great heart too! And has the right perspective as to you remaining in a one way marriage! But did this child mention yet " It isn't fair to us either Mom." ??? This child to is showing the gifts God gave her but is limiting the extent.

My guess if nothing changes: One child will stick by your side to her own determent and the other will be your protector to her own determent.( until they can see beyond the insanity of it, may soon ,maybe never)

Abuse changes the balance of using our gifts when we don't recognize it for what it is or we remain in the situation. It stunts us. We end up with co-dependent behaviors under the stress at the least or we live a life of co-dependent patterns we never recognize and become more miserable then the alcoholic.

love tammy

Crazy4Him

peasinapod we have ALL been where you are one way or the other so you are in good company. I, too, am so glad you found this site. When it comes to the alcoholics in our lives we are driven to make some very tough choices. Sometimes all we need is a little help or just an ear to hear us out. When I came here I doubted my own gut and my own mind, too, but hearing others' stories and actually hearing people outside of the relationship tell me what I already knew (i.e. this is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR) saved me from staying in a volatile relationship. I was lucky to get out early, without wedding bands, houses, car notes and kids to worry about. And I have SR to thank for it, I have no doubt that you will, too!

I remember I was on the phone with my ex once and he said this to me because he was frustrated we weren't sleeping together, "I care about you so much, but I hate your virginity! It's a good thing we took a few days apart because the more I'm with you the harder it is not to crush your skull."

Not only did I STAY with this sadist after he said this to me but it wasn't even a FACTOR in my mind. This man told me, point blank, that he'd been entertaining the idea of crushing my skull and it wasn't even a blip. Notice that he made sure to say how much he "cared" before all the skull crushing fun. He knew how much I loved him and how much I craved his love and knew that if he prefaced such a ****** comment with "i care" it would make anything else he said after that okay, even if it involved my skull. Crushed. I stayed. That's how sick I was. He was playing me good. Yours is playing you, too and it makes me so sad to watch because I've been there and I know how hard it is on you. I haven't read any of the replies yet so I don't know if this has been posted but I MUST direct you to this post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-i-got-ra.html

Please don't ever let this man convince you that you deserve to be spoken to and treated like an animal. He has you under his claws, he has you sick and he knows it, too. Not only is he not ready to stop drinking, he is in denial about it, clearly angry and looking for a punching bag. That's you. He will never stop. He treats you this way because you have slowly allowed him to do it. I'm sure when you first met him he was an angel, that is how they hook you. Then, slowly, the monster comes out, little by little. That is why it's so hard for us to leave them. We hold on to that angel that we first met and fell in love with. Unfortunately, in most cases, that angel never existed. I like to think of my ex as Edward Norton in Primal Fear. Playing a part. I always say they should just hand him an Oscar.

I gasped out loud when I read some of the things he said to you. Right now you find that acceptable, since you haven't packed your bags, grabbed your kids and left that sadistst, but if you stick with us one day you will say to yourself, "HOW did I put up with that?!"

And even more importantly.

"I will NEVER put up with that, again!"

I am HORRIFIED for you. What a *******! Keep coming back.

4peasinapod

Thank you all for responding, it is really helping me see how brainwashed I really am. In the beginning we all say the same thing... he's not that bad, he would never do that, blah blah blah. But our A's are all the same - our situations all basically the same, it's is US that are different. It is US that are in different stages of denial or recovery and how we view our situations. I realize that they (our A's) are the constant (constant drunk, constant roller coaster ride, constant manipulators). It is US that change, the healthier we get the worse things seem to get because we will accept less of the A's behavior. My A has not changed - I have. I am now seeing him through different eyes (and unfortunately through the eyes of my children) and SR is definitely helping me take off the rose colored glasses.

On another note, A slept all evening on the couch which allowed me and the kids some drama free time together (I know how sad is that, I am happy when he is asleep).

I am going to call the hotline today and get some more advice. I know I have to leave, I just want to try to get my ducks in a row (financially and legally) before I do because I'm sure it won't be pretty.

Again, thank you. Hearing you guys talk from my kids perspective is really helping me stick to my guns (no pun intended).

HoopNinja

I have not read anyone else's posts but what you wrote scared me. I am in a similar situation minus children from a previous marriage. STBXAH told me the same thing about his wife. When I found out how she left him I had my doubts--but what I had no doubts about is that she was afraid of him when she left. She waited until he was a work, backed a truck to the garage, took her stuff and got out. Did she do it because she wanted to make him mad (even if she did have an affair--that does not allow someone to be violent to you--and again I don't even know if she did). Her doing what she did was very telling to me.

stbxAH told me the same thing-minus the bullet. If anyone threatens you like that take it seriously. That is not even sort of funny if he thought it was a joke. He threatened you. So what if you don't cheat but chose to leave him in another way--like leaving because you do not want to be part of his alcoholic life--run away fast. I never asked my AH's ex what happened (and we later wound up friends) because we stayed off the subject of AH--but her method of leaving him sounds pretty familiar.

I agree-get a good lawyer and get him out of the house. I am right in the middle of doing this right now. It is no bed of roses with 2 kids and and AH who is doing absolutely nothing to help me sell a house we could never afford to begin with--but I am struggling through with the help of my friends here at SR and the help of family, friends and co-workers at home.

Stay safe--do whatever you need to do to stay safe. I am sure someone has already told you--read the stickie on how to leave.

My thoughts are with you 4peas. Take care of you and your children and let him take care of himself.

Crazy4Him

Happy to hear you are making moves to protect yourself and your kids.