Learning from my mistakes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Learning from my mistakes
I suppose I should be thankful for all that is being revealed to me little by little. I have made a monumental mistake and have as a result gotten myself into a trap.
The mistake: Somehow thinking that "I" have a role in making others happy.
If people are unhappy its not mine to fix.
What I have done is try to do things to please my husband at the expense of daughter being left feeling unwanted and getting mixed messages from me. My son probably feels the same way but has not expressed it. From now on I need to strive toward being true to myself. Period. End of story. And if this means husband is unhappy with me so be it. He has to find his own happiness. Me doing things a certain way to please him IS NOT THE ANSWER. And I cause more damage. I am soooo sorry.
My daughter confided to me through tears last night that she feels unwanted in the home and feels that she is doing something wrong. Husband scowled at her last night when she got home. She feels its not right to have to worry about him when all she is doing is trying to live a happy life. I feel really bad about what I have created here, and need to work to undo it...
I need to firstly...forgive myself, and trust that God forgives me and is patient with my mistakes. The only thing important right now is what I do...
Going to the therapist tomrorow or Monday and talking to my sponsor again are next. Please tell me everything is going to be alright. I am physically sick. (I am sorry for all the drama I dump here but being able to share here has been the BEST thing for me.)
Love to you all.
The mistake: Somehow thinking that "I" have a role in making others happy.
If people are unhappy its not mine to fix.
What I have done is try to do things to please my husband at the expense of daughter being left feeling unwanted and getting mixed messages from me. My son probably feels the same way but has not expressed it. From now on I need to strive toward being true to myself. Period. End of story. And if this means husband is unhappy with me so be it. He has to find his own happiness. Me doing things a certain way to please him IS NOT THE ANSWER. And I cause more damage. I am soooo sorry.
My daughter confided to me through tears last night that she feels unwanted in the home and feels that she is doing something wrong. Husband scowled at her last night when she got home. She feels its not right to have to worry about him when all she is doing is trying to live a happy life. I feel really bad about what I have created here, and need to work to undo it...
I need to firstly...forgive myself, and trust that God forgives me and is patient with my mistakes. The only thing important right now is what I do...
Going to the therapist tomrorow or Monday and talking to my sponsor again are next. Please tell me everything is going to be alright. I am physically sick. (I am sorry for all the drama I dump here but being able to share here has been the BEST thing for me.)
Love to you all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by jehnifer 
I suppose I should be thankful for all that is being revealed to me little by little. I have made a monumental mistake and have as a result gotten myself into a trap.
The mistake: Somehow thinking that "I" have a role in making others happy.
If people are unhappy its not mine to fix.
What I have done is try to do things to please my husband at the expense of daughter being left feeling unwanted and getting mixed messages from me. My son probably feels the same way but has not expressed it. From now on I need to strive toward being true to myself. Period. End of story. And if this means husband is unhappy with me so be it. He has to find his own happiness. Me doing things a certain way to please him IS NOT THE ANSWER. And I cause more damage. I am soooo sorry.
My daughter confided to me through tears last night that she feels unwanted in the home and feels that she is doing something wrong. Husband scowled at her last night when she got home. She feels its not right to have to worry about him when all she is doing is trying to live a happy life. I feel really bad about what I have created here, and need to work to undo it...
I need to firstly...forgive myself, and trust that God forgives me and is patient with my mistakes. The only thing important right now is what I do...
Going to the therapist tomrorow or Monday and talking to my sponsor again are next. Please tell me everything is going to be alright. I am physically sick. (I am sorry for all the drama I dump here but being able to share here has been the BEST thing for me.)
Love to you all.
The mistake: Somehow thinking that "I" have a role in making others happy.
If people are unhappy its not mine to fix.
What I have done is try to do things to please my husband at the expense of daughter being left feeling unwanted and getting mixed messages from me. My son probably feels the same way but has not expressed it. From now on I need to strive toward being true to myself. Period. End of story. And if this means husband is unhappy with me so be it. He has to find his own happiness. Me doing things a certain way to please him IS NOT THE ANSWER. And I cause more damage. I am soooo sorry.
My daughter confided to me through tears last night that she feels unwanted in the home and feels that she is doing something wrong. Husband scowled at her last night when she got home. She feels its not right to have to worry about him when all she is doing is trying to live a happy life. I feel really bad about what I have created here, and need to work to undo it...
I need to firstly...forgive myself, and trust that God forgives me and is patient with my mistakes. The only thing important right now is what I do...
Going to the therapist tomrorow or Monday and talking to my sponsor again are next. Please tell me everything is going to be alright. I am physically sick. (I am sorry for all the drama I dump here but being able to share here has been the BEST thing for me.)
Love to you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Jehnifer - I think we ALL make that mistake!! ...and then when we get into Al-anon, go to therapy, or read a book about co-dependency, suddenly a light bulb turns on!! 
Ah Hah!!! I see the light now!!!
You are simply in the early stages of your own recovery and it's natural to have regrets about past 'mistakes'. But the WONDERFUL news is that you have drunk the kool-aid now and there is no going back.
When I went through a similar revelation about my children, I just sat them down and apologized. I made a vow to myself that from that point forward that I would always put THEIR best interests FIRST and would do all I can to heal myself. I've done that....or rather, I am in the process. It's not an overnight thing.
You are taking big steps in the right direction every day. Just keep doing what you're doing and little by little, one day at a time, things will improve greatly. You'll see.
(((Hugs)))
Ah Hah!!! I see the light now!!!You are simply in the early stages of your own recovery and it's natural to have regrets about past 'mistakes'. But the WONDERFUL news is that you have drunk the kool-aid now and there is no going back.
When I went through a similar revelation about my children, I just sat them down and apologized. I made a vow to myself that from that point forward that I would always put THEIR best interests FIRST and would do all I can to heal myself. I've done that....or rather, I am in the process. It's not an overnight thing.
You are taking big steps in the right direction every day. Just keep doing what you're doing and little by little, one day at a time, things will improve greatly. You'll see.
(((Hugs)))
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Remember: Progress not Perfection
You have shown great progress! Your eyes are opening and you are making positive changes for a healthier you. As a result, you will have healthier relationships with others. Your relationship with yourself and your children will strengthen. Your daughter has opened up and shared her feelings with you. That is wonderful.
You can't erase the yesterday's. You can learn from them. You can use the experience to grow in wisdom. You can do better today. This hour, this moment can be better than the last.
One day at a time, one moment at a time
((((Jehn))))
You have shown great progress! Your eyes are opening and you are making positive changes for a healthier you. As a result, you will have healthier relationships with others. Your relationship with yourself and your children will strengthen. Your daughter has opened up and shared her feelings with you. That is wonderful.
You can't erase the yesterday's. You can learn from them. You can use the experience to grow in wisdom. You can do better today. This hour, this moment can be better than the last.
One day at a time, one moment at a time
((((Jehn))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
We have all done this, jehnifer -- I think that's why we all ended up here in the first place. We try to edit our own lives (needs, dreams, wishes) in order to please someone else.
But it doesn't do a lot of good to, as a friend puts it, "waste the present trying to rewrite the past". You did the best you could, given what you knew at the time.
Now that you're growing by leaps and bounds, it's easy to get down on yourself for not having known everything, always. We all do that too LOL
Keep on making those small steps - and forgive yourself for not being born all-knowing, all-seeing. You'll find a lot more joy in your journey if you can let that go.
But it doesn't do a lot of good to, as a friend puts it, "waste the present trying to rewrite the past". You did the best you could, given what you knew at the time.
Now that you're growing by leaps and bounds, it's easy to get down on yourself for not having known everything, always. We all do that too LOL
Keep on making those small steps - and forgive yourself for not being born all-knowing, all-seeing. You'll find a lot more joy in your journey if you can let that go.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I did the same thing. Neglected my daughter while trying to keep peace in our home. I allowed him to mentally abuse her, and use her to manipulate me. All this wasn't clear when I was in the midst of it, though it was the reason I left.
I can't change it, but I can work towards lessening the impact it had on her (and me) and make sure it never happens again.
I can't change it, but I can work towards lessening the impact it had on her (and me) and make sure it never happens again.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Glad you are taking action. I hope the action you take protects your daughter, immediately. While it's not your responsibility to make people happy, you of course have a responsibility to parent your child, and protect her well being. I'm glad that you're starting to realize the choices you have, and the effects that making some of those choices have come to be. You can change this, if not for you.. for her. Breaks my heart.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey now! Hold your horses missy!
You cannot change what has already happened. You can grieve for it. You can rage against it. You can even dream of going back in time to fix it. BUT you can do nothing to take away the past. The decisions you made then were the product of your knowledge and experience at the time. Keeping the peace in an effort to spare your daughter is something you had to do and will continue to do until a change from that can be made. Yes, you both are dealing with emotional turmoil and mind games, but you are working with what you have at present.
Now for the good news!!
All of this can now change! Did you catch that? All of this can now change!
Terrible things happen to people every day but that does not mean that it has to happen every day and for ever more. You don't have the power to change your AH BUT you do have the power to change you and your circumstances. You have the knowledge now, the support, and the tools.
Don't like what has happened in your past, then leave it there. You don't have to repeat past mistakes, and you don't have to keep living in them.
Keep that in mind my friend! It will make it a lot easier to forgive yourself if you live your life going forward for you, for your daughter, and for your HP.
With love,
Alice
You cannot change what has already happened. You can grieve for it. You can rage against it. You can even dream of going back in time to fix it. BUT you can do nothing to take away the past. The decisions you made then were the product of your knowledge and experience at the time. Keeping the peace in an effort to spare your daughter is something you had to do and will continue to do until a change from that can be made. Yes, you both are dealing with emotional turmoil and mind games, but you are working with what you have at present.
Now for the good news!!
All of this can now change! Did you catch that? All of this can now change!
Terrible things happen to people every day but that does not mean that it has to happen every day and for ever more. You don't have the power to change your AH BUT you do have the power to change you and your circumstances. You have the knowledge now, the support, and the tools.
Don't like what has happened in your past, then leave it there. You don't have to repeat past mistakes, and you don't have to keep living in them.
Keep that in mind my friend! It will make it a lot easier to forgive yourself if you live your life going forward for you, for your daughter, and for your HP.
With love,
Alice
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