Lilly Burn

I have been slowly rebuilding my life, staying no contact with my AH who literally ran away in January and rang me from abroad to say he wasnt coming back. He has emailed my sister against her wishes with the most patronising email about how he hopes hes left it long enough and hopes i will be ready to be friends soon!! And wants me to send photos he needs from my computer and has other practical matters to sort out and hopes my sister and husband will be friends too! Sister is spitting feathers at the arrogant way he wrote it, she has already told him she doesnt want and cant be involved. This is my husband who so utterly betrayed me, said horrid things behind my back, tried to go back to his ex unknown to me whilst we were married, lied about me to people, lied to me all the time about his drinking, threatened to leave and left at least 12 times during our marriage and abandoned me without a bye your leave, NOW he wants to be FRIENDS!! Im so scared of what hes talking about re practical issues, he has all his stuff, has signed to say he doesnt want anything from me and vice versa, so what on earth is this about....i realise now that he thinks im just soooo upset that I wont speak to him, he doesnt get that i dont ever intend to have anything to do with him again, divorce papers will be dealt with by solicitor as soon as two years is up. I am wondering if i should write to him and retain a solicitor and say to him that any contact needs to be via my solicitor...I am frightened he will be horrible to me soon because again we havent responded to his email and hes not getting his photos, he should have thought about those when he left and been in less of a hurry to get away from me and where we live..after all ive heard why would i bother to keep his photos on his computer.. all traces of him are gone but i just desperately wish he would leave me alone, what can i do, its really really upset me...this is the man i loved..he seems to think hes done nothing at all wrong and why the hell does he want to be friends, he didnt even like me from what i can gather, couldnt bear to be in the house with me, so he told people...lovely. please give me some words of wisdom.. ive done so well and this has just plummeted me down again, im so angry..worried..frightened of what he will do...Its been 7 months since he left saying he wanted nothing, gave all his clothes to charity, me and his sister had to get him to put stuff in storage, he seemed to want to throw everything away, now what can he possibly think he needs to talk to me about. Its too early to sort out a divorce, he certainly has no grounds for divorce and I will be filing just as soon as the two years is up.
Help.....:rotfxko Lillyxx

Seren

Just keep ignoring him. He has nothing to return for! Have you changed the locks on the doors? Have you changed your phone number(s)? You have, what 17 more months to wait? Stay strong, you can do this!

Hugs and prayers, HG

Lilly Burn

Thank you...i will keep strong its just that he is managing even from thousand of miles away, to make me feel like im being silly, unreasonable, doing something wrong....he cant contact me via email, which is why he keeps bothering my sister... saying that he could ring on my landline but for some reason is choosing not to do this, he has tried but i screen my calls, however, its been ages and he must know that he could leave a message...its bizarre. its like he doesnt actually want to talk to me!!

suki44883

I don't understand what the two years thing is about, but your sister can block him from her email so she won't be bothered by him. You can change your phone number so he can't call you. Sounds to me like he's just trying to keep things stirred up and keep you upset. Don't let him.

Lilly Burn

Hi, the two years thing is that in the UK, you have to wait two years to petition a divorce if both consent, which im sure he will and after 5 years you can get a divorce even without consent. However, i cant divorce him before now because I would have needed to do it on grounds of unreasonable behaviour (alcoholism being one recognised one) within 6 months, otherwise desertion you have to wait two years aswell, so two years it is. I couldnt afford a solicitor at all anyway as im trying to get finances sorted...My sister was amazed to hear from him again to be honest as she had told him no effectively, but she has just yesterday now blocked his emails....Ooh its all such a worry...

Lilly Burn

Oh and yes;
Sounds to me like he's just trying to keep things stirred up and keep you upset. Don't let him.
Hes doing a damn good job....Lilyxx

suki44883

Lily...he can only upset you if you allow it. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy. If you have to wait another several months before you can petition for divorce, then don't spend those months in misery over what he may or may not do or worrying about what he's thinking. It doesn't matter. You have to live your life for YOU.

HoopNinja

I have the same question--just go away please! That is all I want to say to STBXAH. Don't call him, don't talk to him. I am finding the getting the divorce and selling the house part difficult because it requires me to talk to him. UGH!

TakingCharge999

I say change your numbers and tell your sis there is a very useful BLOCK option in every mail account if she had blocked him you wouldn't know anything and still be at peace! NO CONTACT!

Aw it hurts a lot, its like wounds open again, but you can journal, tell him EVERYTHING you feel and how frustrated you are, burn the papers tonight... and back to your wonderful life....

This is just a "relapse" but don't worry you are already on the other side of the bridge

Learn2Live

Lilly, when I read your post I thought, WOW, this is me! The addict in my life also ran off in January. This past Saturday, he tried to get me back into a relationship with him. He's called three times a day ever since.

My interpretation of an addict contacting you while you cannot make sense as to Why he would think you want to get back with him, is that he is trying to keep you in his life because he thinks that you are going to provide him with something else he needs. They keep one foot in the door and one foot out.

Most people here on SR will say to change your phone number, etc. I tend to believe that you may need to close the door on him, especially given that he walked out on you, which may make him think that he is in control and can come back any time.

I've done it. The last time he called me, I asked if there were some practical reason he was calling me. He said he needed "a Friend, someone to talk to." I calmly suggested that he hire a therapist to talk to and stated that I would appreciate if he would stop calling me. That was a few days ago and so far, so good. I had the sense that he got the picture and has now moved on to bigger fish.

Ask your sister and everyone else that, if they hear from him regarding ANYTHING to please not tell you. Whatever loose ends related to this man that are still hanging around, TIE them up and be rid of him once and for all.

Be well...

Lilly Burn

Hi, thank you for your messages of support. My sister has now blocked google mail, she really didnt think hed try again....no such assumptions can be made..I really feel ive tied all loose ends at least until we can proceed with divorce, all i will do is get his address at the time from his brothers/sister and petition via solicitor..he has all his things, has released me and my house with no intention (signed doc) to take anything from me and vice versa, there really isnt anything i can think of which is why im worried what it could be. Also hes not saying what they are? I dont understand why not. I suppose that he thinks that if there are outstanding issues, I cant ignore him, but like I said, he doesnt ring to leave a message or tell me what he wants and doesnt explain in email..surely that would have been best so i could sort them out...hes just trying to keep me hanging on, you are so right. I have changed email address, changed mobile phone (i did that straight away), hes blocked from my sister now...i have screening on my home phone, so hopefully that should do it. And yes, now my peace wont be shattered by more emails. Why he doesnt ask his sister to get in touch with me (who lives in my town) rather than mine, I dont know!!!! Mind games........Thank you again for your support it has made me realise Im not doing anything wrong, Im entitled to not be in contact with him, however much that annoys him....Lillyx

Seren

Just remember....hands over ears....humming a happy tune to yourself...."You have no power over me"

Hugs and prayers, HG