six months of this?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 14
six months of this?
Has anyone ever had this happen to you? I kicked my x(?)abf out of my house almost two weeks ago. To make a long story short, I told him to call me in six months to tell me how is recovery is going. What he has been doing is emailing me once, sometimes twice each day to tell me how he is handling things. Nothing angry or stalker type behavior but statements such as "Reading the big book right now, just attended a lunch AA meeting, found a great AA group this weekend, participating in an online AA meeting" and so on and so forth. And he always emails to say goodnight. My responses are usually one sentence long. Sometimes I feel like a mom with a son sheepishly showing me their report card.
I told him in the big conversation preceding him moving out that I wasn't interested in dating other people at the moment and was just going to work on myself for a while and that he could contact me via email. I guess he still sees us as being together but living apart. There are times though that I feel like this will be six months of spinning my wheels and that I should just move on down the road. I heard so many lies about his drinking when we were together that I don't know what to believe at this point. I got caller id on my phone so I know when he is calling and don't pick up the phone. Got my key back to my house. Reading Co-Dependent No More and working on stopping these codie behaviors for the future. And I have already started doing quite a few things for myself and loving every minute of it.
As minimal as our contact is, I don't know if this is helping or hurting me. I was going to say "helping or hurting HIM" but I am not going to do that anymore.
Sounds like a lot of you went the "no contact" way and some of you found your own way to muddle on. I know how to break up with a guy and never talk to him again. I would possibly want a relationship with this guy though again if he ever figured this huge deal breaker out. I understand there are no guarantees. Any advice?
I told him in the big conversation preceding him moving out that I wasn't interested in dating other people at the moment and was just going to work on myself for a while and that he could contact me via email. I guess he still sees us as being together but living apart. There are times though that I feel like this will be six months of spinning my wheels and that I should just move on down the road. I heard so many lies about his drinking when we were together that I don't know what to believe at this point. I got caller id on my phone so I know when he is calling and don't pick up the phone. Got my key back to my house. Reading Co-Dependent No More and working on stopping these codie behaviors for the future. And I have already started doing quite a few things for myself and loving every minute of it.
As minimal as our contact is, I don't know if this is helping or hurting me. I was going to say "helping or hurting HIM" but I am not going to do that anymore.
Sounds like a lot of you went the "no contact" way and some of you found your own way to muddle on. I know how to break up with a guy and never talk to him again. I would possibly want a relationship with this guy though again if he ever figured this huge deal breaker out. I understand there are no guarantees. Any advice?
Last edited by Lahita; 08-13-2009 at 02:12 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
Every time I left my ex he always managed to find an AA meeting up until the moment I took him back. Then he was over it and it was back to square one. Why? Because he wasn't doing it out of any real desire to stop, he was doing it to manipulate me. It worked every time.
Yours might still be playing your hand. I would fall back and hold fast to that six month boundary. Let time tell this tale since an alcoholic will skew it for all he's got!
How long have you guys been together? Knowing what I know now, I would tell any of my friends to tread lightly even with a recovering alcoholic. If the alcoholic was still active I would not only to tell them to run far as fast, but I would drag them by their hair if I had to!
It's just no way to live, but I understand your position. I would forget about a relationship with this man for a while, if he's serious about his recovery he wont want to be in a relationship with anyone for a year anyway because there would be too much at stake for him emotionally. So it'll be a good chunk of time for both of you to work on yourselves and your serenity.
All the best.
Every time I left my ex he always managed to find an AA meeting up until the moment I took him back. Then he was over it and it was back to square one. Why? Because he wasn't doing it out of any real desire to stop, he was doing it to manipulate me. It worked every time.
Yours might still be playing your hand. I would fall back and hold fast to that six month boundary. Let time tell this tale since an alcoholic will skew it for all he's got!
How long have you guys been together? Knowing what I know now, I would tell any of my friends to tread lightly even with a recovering alcoholic. If the alcoholic was still active I would not only to tell them to run far as fast, but I would drag them by their hair if I had to!
It's just no way to live, but I understand your position. I would forget about a relationship with this man for a while, if he's serious about his recovery he wont want to be in a relationship with anyone for a year anyway because there would be too much at stake for him emotionally. So it'll be a good chunk of time for both of you to work on yourselves and your serenity.
All the best.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi lahita-
i made the same boundaries and waited. mine went to two AA meetings, got sober for 23 days and now thinks he can control his drinking. he hasn't had a huge binge yet but he is already starting to lie to me again.
crazy4hims advice is sound. they will make half-hearted attempts at recovery but until they hit their bottom and seek recovery without the report card, you can be sure they will lapse back into drinking again.
i made the same boundaries and waited. mine went to two AA meetings, got sober for 23 days and now thinks he can control his drinking. he hasn't had a huge binge yet but he is already starting to lie to me again.
crazy4hims advice is sound. they will make half-hearted attempts at recovery but until they hit their bottom and seek recovery without the report card, you can be sure they will lapse back into drinking again.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Ask yourself honestly what are the benefits (for you) of him emailing you 1-2 times a day to 'report' in?
99 9/10% of the time I have no idea what my 31 year old AD is doing, and personally I couldn't care less. It has no bearing on my life and happiness.
She's the one who occasionally initiates contact, and the conversations are very short. We live in two entirely different worlds.
99 9/10% of the time I have no idea what my 31 year old AD is doing, and personally I couldn't care less. It has no bearing on my life and happiness.
She's the one who occasionally initiates contact, and the conversations are very short. We live in two entirely different worlds.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 14
Thanks everyone. We were together close to five years. He asked me numerous times to marry him but something in the back of my mind told me to say no. I am in my 40's and that would have been my second marriage. I was in denial for quite some time about his problem with alcohol but another alcohol related incident set the mental wheels a turning and I kicked him out of my house.
So this is his form of quacking eh? You know, I am older and just don't know if I want to go back to a relationship like that even if he accomplished recovery. I know there are no guarantees in any kind of relationship but geez this adds one more nail to the coffin. I went to three al-anon meetings and listened to so many women tell me the things they were putting up with for so many years. It disturbed and confused me. You know what though? It helps my thought process to put this in words in sentence form. I will figure this all out...I just wish it was sooner instead of later. I really appreciate everyone's input.
So this is his form of quacking eh? You know, I am older and just don't know if I want to go back to a relationship like that even if he accomplished recovery. I know there are no guarantees in any kind of relationship but geez this adds one more nail to the coffin. I went to three al-anon meetings and listened to so many women tell me the things they were putting up with for so many years. It disturbed and confused me. You know what though? It helps my thought process to put this in words in sentence form. I will figure this all out...I just wish it was sooner instead of later. I really appreciate everyone's input.
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